Political Memes, Comics, And Other Shenanigans, Part 40

[GreyhoundFan]

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[NotQuiteMotY]

Yes, those orphanages which aren't a thing in the US, the missionaries that often do more harm than good, the soup kitchens that are location-specific and many not help depending on what you can eat and their food options, the hospitals and free clinics that often come with conditions or limit the healthcare you can receive, the charities that often also come with conditions... These are all so much better than a program that is equally available and accessible to all!

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[WiseGirl]

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"Abortion Laws In Yee-Haw States"

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I’m not a scientist but I’m about to lay some basic science shit down for you. Keep in mind that I’m a cartoonist and most people don’t expect us to spell well, less enough, understand math and science. And like most male stereotypes, I can become squeamish and will want to run screaming from a conversation as soon as someone says “fallopian tube.” For most dudes, a vagina remains a wondrous and mysterious place they don’t want to learn anything about. Some guys, Republicans, will never even try to figure out the location of the…I better stop here before I get in trouble. Let me just end this paragraph with, Republicans, she’s been faking it.

A lot of redneck states are banning abortion after a specific number of weeks, usually way before a woman even knows she’s pregnant. Women don’t take pregnancy tests because they enjoy peeing on sticks. Most women take a pregnancy test when they have reason to believe they may be pregnant. And if guys could get pregnant, it’d take us months to find out because we’d never hit the stick.

There are bans on abortion after six weeks in Mississippi, Idaho, and Texas. Florida and Kentucky have 15-week bans. And now Oklahoma decided six weeks was too much time and has now banned abortions after the egg is fertilized.

Now, we’re going to play with some science. Ladies, for the next part of this, I’m not talking to you so don’t tell me I’m mansplainin’. I’m talking to the goons.

Women usually are not able to tell they’re pregnant until the fourth or fifth week, and while a positive result MIGHT occur on a pregnancy test ten days after conception, it’s rare anyone takes it in that time frame. Conception, when the egg is fertilized, may take three minutes or it may take five days. Oklahoma has outlawed abortion before a woman can physically know she’s pregnant.

Oklahoma says fertilization is the stopping point, but who’s going to get an abortion before fertilization? Maybe Republicans see it like they see Critical Race Theory and they can abort that from being taught in schools where it doesn’t actually exist.

Goons, fertilization happens when sperm, your sticky man juice, the baby batter, meets a woman’s egg, and the egg either says “heeeeeeey” or in a lot of cases, “who are you and what are you doing here?” But this happens in the…brace yourselves, guys, the fallopian tubes. Ew, I know. This new sperm/egg combo becomes a cell called a zygote. When it becomes a zygote, it moves down the fallopian tube and enters the uterus. Take note that it’s NOT a fetus at this point.

Republicans aren’t happy with just controlling a woman’s uterus, at least not in Oklahoma. They want their grubby unwashed hands on the fallopian tubes. They have banned abortions in Oklahoma before the fertilized egg is even in the uterus. They’ve banned abortion before there’s anything to abort. The only way for another ultra-right-wing government, like the Taliban, can get more restrictive than Oklahoma in banning abortions would be to ban birth control. I think that’s where we’re headed.

When states start outlawing birth control, or when the Supreme Court does it for them, keep in mind that birth control is still legal in Afghanistan.

Have you ever heard the expression, “when you were a twinkle in your father’s eye”? Yeah, Oklahoma has basically made that twinkle the cutoff point for abortions.

And all of these laws only focus on women. They do nothing about the men who are one-half responsible (or 100 percent responsible when the woman doesn’t say “yes”) for the fertilization. These laws don’t make exceptions for rape or incest. Some of them don’t make exceptions when the mother’s life is in danger or even when the fetus can’t survive outside the womb. And in some states, they try to give more rights over the fetus to the rapists than to their victims. This is a bunch of yee-haw state bullshit.

When a woman is raped in one of these abortion-banning states, the yee-haw state rapes her again.

Oklahoma has banned abortion before the fetus even becomes a fetus. I know, there are debates over when a fetus becomes a human, but in Oklahoma, they banned aborting zygotes. It’s not a human. It’s not even a fetus. It’s a zygote. Most men trying to ban abortion probably think Zygote is a crappy wine cooler used to get a girl drunk so they can give her a pregnancy she has zero control over. Guys, you’re thinking of Zima.

Men, we’re not good at understanding all this female anatomy stuff. We don’t know much at all how va-jayjays, woo-hoos, or froo-froos work. Let’s not even start talking about menopause, and that has “men” in it. We’re not good at any of that because we don’t have to know it. So, maybe we should stop legislating it. We need to stop with all these yee-haw state abortion bullshit laws.

Republicans, keep your hands off women’s uteruses…and zygotes and fallopian tubes.

 

[GreyhoundFan]

 

"MAGA Pox"

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You know that person. You may know several of them. You’re probably even related to one, two, or too many of them. And you probably don’t talk to them anymore.

One day they seem like rational human beings. They walk. They talk. They breathe. They wear pants. You never had an experience with them spreading racist conspiracy theories. You can’t recall a time before 2015 when absurd bullshit and treason came out of their mouths. But one day you turn around, and there it is. This person you’ve known for years has suddenly developed a case of MAGA Pox.

MAGA Pox is very real and it destroys millions of lives and families each year. Countless Thanksgivings have been ruined by MAGA Pox. While few have recovered from MAGA Pox, usually after being attacked by other victims of MAGA Pox, there is no known cure.

The symptoms of MAGA Pox are: After spending years claiming patriotism and recognizing Russia as an adversary to the United States and democracy, the patient suddenly professes love for all things Russian and Putin.

The patient may claim to be an advocate for the Constitution and democracy but then attempts to overthrow an election his side lost.

The patient may just want to get rid of elections altogether and install an orange-stained shitgibbon Oompa-Loompa as an unelected dictator.

The patient will make excuses for sexual assault.

The patient may talk in word salads and talk as if he or she is a child by saying nonsensible phrases like “let’s go, Brandon.”

The patient may accuse political opponents of being “groomers” yet endorse pedophile candidates and support lowering the legal marrying age to 12.

The patient may fly a flag for MAGA on their truck two years after election day.

The patient will still advocate spending billions on a border wall even after it’s pointed out that most immigrants in this nation illegally entered legally and most drugs and weapons entered through border checkpoints.

The patient may exhibit night terrors about Hunter Biden’s laptop without ever asking what’s on it.

The patient may seek health advice from a mixed martial arts podcast host over a professional doctor who’s the nation’s leading virus expert.

The patient may be willing to sacrifice their children for their addiction to MAGA Pox, and send them into a COVID contaminated environment without face masks or having been vaccinated.

The patient may believe in easily debunked conspiracy theories such as chemtrails, Italian satellites, bamboo ballots, Mickey Mouse is a groomer, pizzagate, Hugo Chavez meddled in the last election, George Soros is funding migrant caravans, white people are being replaced by brown immigrants, or the most ridiculous and easily debunked of them all, Trump won.

If a patient finds humor in locking babies in cages, they have MAGA Pox.

A patient may want to consume bleach and aquarium cleaner, though not to cure MAGA Pox, but because of MAGA Pox.

The patient watches Tucker Carlson.

People who are already racist and stupid are candidates for MAGA Pox. In fact, it’s hard to find a racist dumbass in the United States today who isn’t already suffering from MAGA Pox. And people who have lost the ability to reason or exhibit empathy are probably too far gone.

MAGA Pox is like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. It doesn’t make sense why some people are MAGAts. Why is Caitlyn Jenner a MAGAt? Why is Roseanne Barr a MAGAt? Why is Kanye a MAGAt? Why is Scott Baio…no, that one makes sense.

I’m not a doctor and only play one in this blog, but if MAGA Pox is left untreated, it won’t just destroy your life and that of your entire family, it can destroy the nation.

Be careful of MAGA Pox. It’s a jungle out there.

 

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"Tours For Terrorists"

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The January 6 Committee is asking Republican House member Barry Loudermilk to voluntarily testify about a tour he gave of the capitol on January 5, 2021. For the slow kids (Republicans), January 5th was the day before January 6th, the day of the Trump terrorist attack. The speculation here is that Loudermilk didn’t give a tour as much as he conducted a reconnaissance mission.

The funny thing is, tours were closed during that time due to the COVID pandemic, unless…wait for it…you had a personal tour from a member of Congress. How convenient.

Shortly after the white nationalist terrorist attack to stop the certification of Joe Biden’s election victory, destroy democracy, and install a fascist Oompa-Loompa as America’s first dictator, some Democrats brought up the issue that some Republicans gave these reconnaissance missions, but they didn’t mention names. Fortunately for us, Republicans are stupid and they mentioned their own names.

In fact, Loudermilk was a real loudmouth about it. That idiot screamed and hollered. How dare he be accused without being named. He even wanted the accusing Democrats to be brought up on ethics charges.

Here’s a free tip, kids, just in case you ever plan on doing something evil: Don’t out yourself. When someone brings up the crime but they don’t mention your name. Don’t you mention it for them. Keep your mouth shut. It’s like a fart. If you smelt it, you dealt it. Loudermilk farted a great big nasty loud wet one.

Democrat Mikie Sherrill told a virtual town hall on January 12, 2021, that “members of Congress who had groups coming through the Capitol that I saw on January 5th for reconnaissance for the next day.” Loudermilk brought up an ethics complaint against her and 33 other Democrats because to Republicans, outing insurrection terrorists is more of an ethical dilemma than being an insurrection terrorist. They feel the same way about outing Russian spies.

“My Republican colleagues and I will not sit by while Democrats accuse their colleagues of treason for political gain. This type of conduct must not be tolerated,” Loudermilk wrote, urging the House Ethics Committee to “take quick and decisive action to ensure this never happens again.” That sounds like something you’d say about the treason, not the outing of treason. Loudermilk should have sat idly by.

But the committee says it has obtained evidence that contradicts previous GOP denials that any tours took place in the days before January 6, 2021, raising questions about the one given by Loudermilk and its purpose. Ha. Ha.

Loudermilk claims he did give a tour but it was to a family who did not return to the Capitol on January 6. Yeah, sure. Was it a family with bear spray?

Majority Whip Jim Clyburn explained that he has two offices. One office has his name and title on the door and the other office doesn’t, and even most members of Congress aren’t aware of it. On January 6, the office with his name on it wasn’t touched but the office where he and his staff do most of their work, and where they would most likely have been at that time if not on the House floor, was looted.

Clyburn said, “I’m saying that I have an unmarked office that you gotta know exactly where it is. It is where I spend most of my time doing my work as the Majority Whip. I have a staff. We work pretty hard trying to keep up with members, trying to make sure they do an effective job of managing the votes once they get to the floor.”

“And that office is where I do most of my work, and for some reason, these people showed up at that office, but the office where my name is above the door, on the door, and my position above the door was not disturbed.”

“I’m just saying. They didn’t go to where my name was, they went to where I usually hang out, so that to me suggests that something untoward was going on.”

Clyburn said, “somebody on the inside of those buildings was complicit.”

When you do something rotten, help a bunch of white nationalists try to overturn an election by attacking Congress, you shouldn’t be allowed to walk away after it fails with a simple, “Oh, well…guess that didn’t. Better luck next time.” No. After helping white nationalist goons try to destroy our democracy, you should be thrown out of Congress and thrown into prison. This is not free speech. This wasn’t tourism. This isn’t just a different viewpoint of who won an election. You’re scum.

These Republican goons, including Trump, keep passing Go repeatedly when they all should have gone straight to jail…and without a get-out-of-jail-free card.

 

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