Razing Ruth posted an update!

[Jade]

I'm sad for her but in the long run think she will be better off. She said she had asked if if they could call off the wedding for now but continue in a committed relationship and he said no. He did seem to have a my way or the highway attitude

[ceg045]

While I (and I'm sure anyone who's gone through a breakup) totally feel for her, it might be for the best. I could be mistaken, but it seemed that they got engaged relatively quickly--I feel like they went from meeting/friendship to engaged within well under a year, and while there are plenty of happy marriages that began that way, given the emotional abuse/neglect in her past, I remember thinking that they were moving awfully fast.

Best wishes to her moving forward, with or without Harris.

[contrary]

poor thing. i just want to have her over and drink margaritas until she realizes that what she wants is OKAY. i posted a reply to her.

[MerryHappy]

It is hard to grow up in the messed up world of ATI where family is not safe and then have "family" shoved down your throat.

Ruth, my heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

[Austin]

poor thing. i just want to have her over and drink margaritas until she realizes that what she wants is OKAY. i posted a reply to her.

Great reply, contrary. All the commenters are giving her good advice so far.

I'd love to take the girl for a margarita, too.

[Guest Anonymous]

I am so sad for her right now, but relieved too. I am glad she did not go ahead with a commitment that could have ended very badly for her. It sounds like both she and Harris still have (very different) kinds of growing to do before they will be ready for marriage. I admire Ruth immensely, I hope she soon comes to realise that she has done something very special for herself, even though it hurts deeply right now.

[contrary]

Great reply, contrary. All the commenters are giving her good advice so far.

I'd love to take the girl for a margarita, too.

Thanks...and yeah, overall i really like ruth's commenters. They're supportive and give realistic advice without being hero-worshippey.

[kb2]

Aw, that's rough.

[library_youth]

Poor Ruth. I feel bad for her, but I was worried when they got engaged so fast. They'd been dating for a year, maybe? Plenty of time for a lot of people, but given her history it seemed like they were rushing things. Maybe it's for the best that she can have more time to focus on just herself now.

[Angri-la]

I hope Ruth has a chance to spend time being an independent woman, living her life for her and on her own terms. I am not saying one cannot do this with a man in one's life, however, I hope she can have some time just to be herself on her own. I'd like to go out with Austin and Ruth for those margaritas!

[ridethekick]

I'm sure she's sad and it will be painful for awhile, but personally, I'm glad. I don't think he was a bad guy (at all), I just think Ruth needs to take time to discover Ruth. She's young and she's got plenty of time to get married and have children if she wants. She has overcome a lot, but I predict there is much more healing to do and she needs to give herself the time to do that work.

((((hugs)))) to Ruth.

QFT

[Maul the Koala]

Oh Ruth. If you're reading this I'm so sorry it ended this way.

One thing I've learned is that the cliche it takes two to tango is so true. This isn't entirely your fault. So please stop thinking that way. You're an amazing woman, look at how far you've come. The end of a relationship hurts, so please take the time to mourn. But discuss it with your therapist please. If you continue on thinking it's your fault it will likely lead to more self-destructive thoughts and that's not helpful especially with your history. So please be kind to yourself, you deserve nothing but kindness.

Oh and Daddy Darth, don't you dare start on about how Ruth wasn't pure of heart and all that junk... If you do you can go right ahead and fuck yourself with a pitchfork. Leave your daughter alone.

[Sprocket]

I rarely post on blogs but I felt like I had to. Poor kid. I hate that she went to a place of 'I'm so damaged." No, her ex-fiance just needed to grow a pair....

[Rosa]

I am SO PROUD of her - that's not just "leaving ATI behind" that's "being more mature than half the mainstream women your age". It feels kind of creepy to say it, though - like she needs my approval, when she clearly doesn't.

[Funky Chicken]

Surely a fiancé who really loved her would have been prepared to wait until she was ready for all this stuff, or, doG forbid, want what she wanted? It's not as if she wanted to break up with him, she still wanted the relationship with him and wouldn't someone "in love" want the one they love, any way, any how? I'm probably not saying this very well, but I know that although my husband and I did have some family issues that intruded into our marriage in the first few years (up to and including a major crisis point in the 9th year, after which all has been resolved and our relationship is better than ever before), at the same time when we were wanting to get married, our focus was on it being OUR relationship - so we would have listened to each other if one of us had had strong feelings on any part of the matter. Which means that if one of us had wanted what Ruth did (continuing in a committed relationship without making huge wedding plans, at least for a while), that's what we would have done. All Harris had to lose was a little time, which would have been worth it if they were "meant" for each other. It's not as if he had a ticking biological clock (or maybe it's his mother's psychological clock that was ticking). Gawd, if they'd ended up married but just a few years later, where would the harm have been in waiting and allowing them both to grow both in themselves and as a couple?

I think (hope) in years to come, Harris will realize she is the one that got away.

[roddma]

I am reading the post about her family attending the Duggar's memorial. Her mother forwarded an email to the brother. Anyhow, I am sorry things didn't work out for her and that she has the strength to continue with her life a before with no guilt feelings. Relationships are never an easy thing.

[Deleted06]

I feel bad for Ruth but she seems like a strong woman, I do think she'll be able to come through this. Harris, on the other hand, needs to cut the umbilical cord. He is way to close to his mommy.

[ADoyle90815]

I feel bad for Ruth but she seems like a strong woman, I do think she'll be able to come through this. Harris, on the other hand, needs to cut the umbilical cord. He is way to close to his mommy.

Exactly! While I feel bad for Ruth, it was a good thing they broke up now, instead of having to go through a divorce over his inability to cut the umbilical cord.

[alaeangelorum]

Oh Ruth. If you're reading this I'm so sorry it ended this way.

One thing I've learned is that the cliche it takes two to tango is so true. This isn't entirely your fault. So please stop thinking that way. You're an amazing woman, look at how far you've come. The end of a relationship hurts, so please take the time to mourn. But discuss it with your therapist please. If you continue on thinking it's your fault it will likely lead to more self-destructive thoughts and that's not helpful especially with your history. So please be kind to yourself, you deserve nothing but kindness..

^ Yes... one thing that made me sad about Ruth's post was the way she thought it was all her fault and seemed to assume that because it wouldn't work with Harris' family meant it wouldn't work with *any* family...

Also - it is normal to not like people looking at you/gossiping about you. I don't like the idea of having a large wedding myself for this reason. I am also quite a private person and I wouldn't like my husband's family interfering too much in my life - sure I would like to see them but if I were married it would be my husband and I starting our *own* family, as well as being part of anyone else's. Also, if I got married at Ruth's age I don't think I would necessarily want children straight away. And I come from a very happy, stable family background and haven't been through any of the stuff she has - to be honest I think this is normal, and in no way indicates she is irreperably damaged.

[MamaJunebug]

I couldn't be prouder of that young woman!

She escaped a family who told her what she'd want if she was just good enough,

now she's escaped a fmaily who told her what she'd want if she was just ready enough,

and she can continue to figure out what it is That She Really Wants!!!

I'm going to guess that Harris was/is more in love with the idea of being married than with the idea of being Married To RUTH.

And the fact that he wouldn't give her the wedding she wanted - I mean, it's supposedly all about the bride, oui??? non?? - tells me he was just as controlling as were Darth Daddy and his brainwashed wife.

My first boyfriend ever, we were talking about weddings. (We were 18 and very immature.) he told me that he wanted one very simple, no tuxes, no gowns, no flowers. I said, 'What if the girl wants a bigger wedding?' He smiled smugly and said with all the confidence in the world, 'Then she isn't the girl for me.' No talk of compromise, just of what HE wanted.

And I thought, 'Then I'm not the girl for you.' And I wasn't, and I'm glad. Ruth was not the girl/woman for Harris. She is stronger than she knows. But she's going to start figuring it out. I'm so hopeful for her!!! :clap:

[chemist1217]

Ok I have to jump in here and defend Harris for a minute. I think Ruth is amazing and I wish her the best in everything she does, but have you all forgotten the MANY things that Harris has gone through during his time with Ruth. Two broken legs, tonsil surgery, that horrific summer job, learning about her past, helping her work through her past, etc etc etc. I think he has been nothing short of the perfect first boyfriend for her. Do I think they should have gotten married? No, I think they moved too fast, but I do think that Harris deserves some serious credit for being so understanding through this relationship. Being in a relationship with Ruth can't be easy; not because she's a bad person or anything, but because she does come with a particular brand of baggage. We all have baggage, but her's is just a tad more prominent, and given her circumstances, I'm not surprised. In addition, why in the world are people saying that Harris should give up everything he wanted in a wedding for Ruth. I've never subscribed to the idea that the wedding is all about the bride. I think if you are getting married, its about the couple, and if the couple have differing opinions, they need to come to a compromise. Maybe Harris really DID want more people there. Everyone seems to be assuming that he is some blind Momma's boy who can't think for himself, but what if those were his true opinions and he was expressing those to Ruth? I see no problem with that. Just because she wants a small wedding, doesn't mean that she gets to be the arbiter of all invitations. Yes, compromise is absolutely necessary and they both needed to do that, but really....why is he the bad guy in a break-up were I don't see any bad guy at all...it just wan't right, so let it be

[Guest Anonymous]

Ok I have to jump in here and defend Harris for a minute. I think Ruth is amazing and I wish her the best in everything she does, but have you all forgotten the MANY things that Harris has gone through during his time with Ruth. Two broken legs, tonsil surgery, that horrific summer job, learning about her past, helping her work through her past, etc etc etc. I think he has been nothing short of the perfect first boyfriend for her. Do I think they should have gotten married? No, I think they moved too fast, but I do think that Harris deserves some serious credit for being so understanding through this relationship. Being in a relationship with Ruth can't be easy; not because she's a bad person or anything, but because she does come with a particular brand of baggage. We all have baggage, but her's is just a tad more prominent, and given her circumstances, I'm not surprised. In addition, why in the world are people saying that Harris should give up everything he wanted in a wedding for Ruth. I've never subscribed to the idea that the wedding is all about the bride. I think if you are getting married, its about the couple, and if the couple have differing opinions, they need to come to a compromise. Maybe Harris really DID want more people there. Everyone seems to be assuming that he is some blind Momma's boy who can't think for himself, but what if those were his true opinions and he was expressing those to Ruth? I see no problem with that. Just because she wants a small wedding, doesn't mean that she gets to be the arbiter of all invitations. Yes, compromise is absolutely necessary and they both needed to do that, but really....why is he the bad guy in a break-up were I don't see any bad guy at all...it just wan't right, so let it be

I think if you read the comments here and on the blog, then the general sentiment being expressed is that of relief because the relationship did not seem to be a good fit, rather than an overwhelming slating of Harris.

Personally, I don't think Harris deserves condemnation for the break-up, but I don't think he is in line for a Superhero badge either. He had a relationship with another human being who was perfectly open about her past from the outset. He chose to be in an adult relationship with Ruth, he didn't pick her out as a rescue project from a puppy pound, and so I can only assume that the relationship was mutually beneficial while it lasted. Yeah, she had baggage (as we all do), she also had intelligence, spark, courage and a whole host of other qualities that surely attracted him to her.

From what we read on the blog, the "truth" about Harris's opinions seems to have been somewhat clouded by the way he apparently said one thing in front of Ruth and a different thing in front of his mother. The problem that I and others homed in on was not so much about he and Ruth needing to compromise on their wedding plans as a couple, but that for some reason, Harris 'needed' to have his mother's approval on what was essentially a matter for the couple themselves to decide.

Personally, I think Ruth will benefit from some time on her own to find out who she is and what she really wants, before she settles into marriage, and I hope her relationship with Harris will one day be a sweet memory, like many of us hold about our 'first love'. As for Harris, well I don't know as much about him or feel the same investment in his story, but I wish the best for him too. My guess is that his mother will remain enmeshed in his life and business for as long as he lets her, and that will be a matter for him and future girlfriends to decide to accept or reject.

[chemist1217]

I have read the blog and the comments, and maybe I'm totally dense, but I don't see anything wrong with his relationship with his mother. Then again, I'm super close with my mother, so I think its all about point of reference

[pomology]

I have read the blog and the comments, and maybe I'm totally dense, but I don't see anything wrong with his relationship with his mother. Then again, I'm super close with my mother, so I think its all about point of reference

I don't really see anything wrong with his relationship with his mother, either, except that it obviously conflicted with his relationship with Ruth. He had to pick one of the two and he did. I feel for Ruth, but I'm going to second the comments here that say that this really meant that he wasn't the right guy for her.

Getting your heart broken really sucks and when it happened to me I wasn't anywhere near marriage or engagement. We were hardly even in a real relationship. But it was still the most terrible thing I have ever gone through. I don't know if I would have made it without the support of my family and friends. And poor Ruth doesn't have her family. I'm hoping she has some good friends who can help her take care of herself, because she deserves it. She is a strong, amazing woman and I also agree that she needs to learn to be happy by herself, before she tries to get involved with somebody else. I wish her all the best.

[kb2]

There's a comment from Razingruth under the post about wedding planning where she says Harris is kind of playing both sides of the conflict between Ruth and his mom. (It took me a while to find it.) He was telling Ruth in private that he agreed with her plan to have a small wedding, but would take his mom's side whenever she was around. He either did want a big wedding, and got nervous about expressing that to Ruth in private, or he was just unwilling to do the work of disagreeing with his mom on behalf of Ruth. I agree that a guy deserves some input to his own wedding (but not all input, like MJB's story!), but it doesn't sound like he was standing by a particular opinion. I also don't think the situation is really a dealbreaker for an entire relationship, but it sounds like there were multiple issues that lead to the break-up, like an unwillingness to delay the wedding and a discrepancy in when children should happen.