Fundie Mother Asks Captain Awkward for Advice

[VodouDoll]

She wanted to know how to control her daughter and didn't like the answer she got. Steve Maxwell would shake his head and blame her for not sheltering enough.

 

CA's response was good, even if the letter writer didn't think so.

 

http://captainawkward.com/2015/12/02/803-my-daughter-is-dating-someone-incompatible-please-help/

[nickelodeon]

Not sure if fundie or just super controlling - I feel like her support and pride in her daughter having a master's degree and potentially making more than 40K bars her from being a real fundamentalist. Just a mean, selfish little person.

[HearMeRoar]

Wow! There was some major wtf-ery in that mom's letter. My favorite, not favorite, was this quote "And because Jim is a man, I am worried that he may rape her even if she says no." Yes mother, we all know that being a man automatically makes you a rapist. 

[VodouDoll]

Well, being an atheist Catholic man with no Masters Degree, anyway. I'm sure the mother's imaginary missionary fiancé would never dream of it.

[socalrules]

I think the daughter could live her life exactly as her mom wanted and still would be criticized. Her mother will have to continue to "refine" her daughter's life. This isn't about religion, it's about control. Although she may have originally supported her daughter's move to New York, mom likely freaked out when she realized how much control she lost over her daughter. 

[polecat]

Interesting how this mom equates her love with God's love. 

[Koala]

Oh, this one's simple:

I want  (4 times)

I believe/don't believe (2 times)

I fear  (3 times)

I worry (3 times)

I feel (3 times)

I am scared  (4 times)

I have... (5 times)

I would have...(2 times)

I think/don't think (2 times)

I can

 I need

 I will

 I help lead

It hurts me 

my suggestions

I am not selfish

Now where would anyone get the idea that Mrs. I, I, I, I, me, my is selfish? Her??! Never!  Next thing you know people will be calling her controlling.

Really though...here's the crucial part:

MARY IS 24!

[Petrel]

I don't know, feels like a Poe to me.

[AmazonGrace]

2 hours ago, HearMeRoar said:

Wow! There was some major wtf-ery in that mom's letter. My favorite, not favorite, was this quote "And because Jim is a man, I am worried that he may rape her even if she says no." Yes mother, we all know that being a man automatically makes you a rapist. 

Sooo.... if Mary hooked up with a woman, that would be all right?

[VodouDoll]

10 minutes ago, Petrel said:

I don't know, feels like a Poe to me.

Maybe, and I thought that too at first, "No way is this a real letter." But then I realized that all the people we talk about here - the Maxwells, the Penningtons, Lori and Ken, the Tool and the Botkins, Chris and Wendy Jeub, Erika Shupe - sound like Poes but are totally real. I think this letter is just as likely to be from a small, mean, frightened woman who believes she has a right to use God to control her adult child. It's not like we've never seen these sentiments from the families we follow.

[ViolaSebastian]

Quote

She doesn’t even listen to my suggestions that she move back home to Virginia (she lives in New York) to save on rent or so that I can help her grow.

Lady, you had 18 years to help your daughter grow.  She's 24 now, and you have to accept that your work here is done.  She's an adult now, capable of making her own decisions--even if, in your eyes, they're bad ones.

[imokit]

Did anyone she the response she gave to Captain Awkward's reply and his follow up post?

You don't understand me!!!!!!

 

I understand, against all odds you raised a smart thinking girl.  You paid for her education in the hope that you'd be able to boast about her career and to maintain her control.

She's used her education to run.

FYI - she's living in NYC away from you and has a boyfriend; I'd be shocked if she's still virginal, I'd be surprised if she was coerced into that loss of hymen,

[2xx1xy1JD]

I have no idea whether or not THIS letter is a Poe.

I can assure you, though, that I've dealt with plenty of mothers who sound just like her.  There's a cultural component as well as a religious one.  The idea that you let go when your child is 18 and let them live their own lives, pick their own partners and otherwise make life decisions without any input from you  - not even as "friendly motherly advice" - strikes them as bizarre.

[Not to engage in too much stereotyping, but....let's just say I'm Jewish, my husband's from an Iraqi-Israeli family, I've worked in heavily Italian and Portuguese areas, and I currently work in an area that is heavily Persian, Chinese and South Asian.]

[Petrel]

1 hour ago, VodouDoll said:

Maybe, and I thought that too at first, "No way is this a real letter." But then I realized that all the people we talk about here - the Maxwells, the Penningtons, Lori and Ken, the Tool and the Botkins, Chris and Wendy Jeub, Erika Shupe - sound like Poes but are totally real. I think this letter is just as likely to be from a small, mean, frightened woman who believes she has a right to use God to control her adult child. It's not like we've never seen these sentiments from the families we follow.

Yeah, I think it's a Poe because if she were so opposed to her daughter changing her beliefs or dating someone with different beliefs I think she'd go to someone from her church for advice, not someone on the internet who is part of "the world".

[rosethorne]

So, I've never heard of Captain Awkward until this post, and I fell down the rabbit hole hard!

 

I've just spent WAAAAYYYY too much time at work going through older letters and responses.

 

I'm hooked

[libriatrix]

Ahahaha. Hands down my favorite part is in his reply to the follow-up e-mail, where he suggests that maybe the mother should just do herself everything that she thinks God is telling her that  Mary should do. Like, maybe God would tell you what YOU should do, instead of what you should control someone else into doing! What a concept. /sarcasm.

[VodouDoll]

2 hours ago, rosethorne said:

So, I've never heard of Captain Awkward until this post, and I fell down the rabbit hole hard!

 

I've just spent WAAAAYYYY too much time at work going through older letters and responses.

 

I'm hooked

Oh, her site is addictive. Such good advice. I'm glad you like it!