Complimented for Dressing Like a Lady

[Guest Anonymous]

Modesty-obsessed fundies often tell anecdotes in their blogs about how they are treated better by strangers on the street, or complimented, due to their modest and feminine dress. You can find a classic example of this in Rebecca Serven's old piece, "The Dress of War."

I always thought these claims were a bit of puffery -- until a few days ago when I was running a few errands, wearing what I consider a "business casual" outfit of white t-shirt, a long skirt in a green jewel color with a black flowered pattern on it, and black flats. Easy, comfy, maybe a bit on the slobby side for work but passable. So imagine my shock when this elderly man says to me, "It is nice to see a lady dressed like a lady."

The first response that came to my mind was, "I'm no lady." The second response was, "Don't judge book a by its cover." The third response was, "Oh, piss off." What actually came out of my mouth was, "Um . . . um, thank you. That's nice to hear." Because I am a mean feminist that way. Of course, in reality I am highly skeptical of this man's implied criticism of most other women, whom he apparently believes are dressed inappropriately, and I'm a little annoyed that I got co-opted into agreeing with his point of view in order to be polite.

On the other hand, it is fun to think that wearing a dress doesn't make these modesty-fetishizing bloggers as speshul as they think they are. After all, even a mean feminist can pull it off without even thinking too much about it.

[VodouDoll]

That happened to me once too. I was reading a book in the park, wearing a green off the shoulder shirt, a white knee-length skirt with green flowers on it, and peep-toed heels. An elderly man said, "It's so nice to see a girl your age dressed like a real lady." I wish I'd said, "As opposed to a fake lady?" but instead I think I just blinked at him and said, "Oh. Thanks." Why do we always think of comebacks later instead of in the moment when they'd be actually useful?

[Wolfie]

There is a crazy guy who sits outside the post office where I have a PO box. He will complement women in skirts/dresses. I do have to take in account that he's not all there. (and then he'll start in on a rant that will continue once you are inside the post office.)

[demgirl]

Best Comeback in these situations, once used by a friend of mine: "Oh, wow, thanks! I'm so glad the operation worked!" The guy had to think about it for a minute and then he gave us the worst stinkeye ever and stormed off.

[fundiefan]

Everyone has their preferences and knows what they find attractive. The last time I remember specifically being complimented was by a roughly 70 year old man at the grocery store. I was in denim capris, a tank top, ballet flats and a short sleeved cardigan/shrug. It was about 11pm and I was getting milk and a pre-made salad after a family party. He told me he thought I was beautiful and dressed to accentuate my positives.

?????

OK. I said thank you. I helped him unload his cart. We made chit chat about late night shopping and what we like to eat. I checked out and said good-bye, drive safe and have a good night. He said the same to me.

I wonder what a fundie would make of that?

[Lillian]

Best Comeback in these situations, once used by a friend of mine: "Oh, wow, thanks! I'm so glad the operation worked!" The guy had to think about it for a minute and then he gave us the worst stinkeye ever and stormed off.

LOL awesome friend!

[Deleted02]

I dress up to shock people. LOL

[Joykins]

My grandmother, who was at the time very stylish for a woman in her 70s (I know, right?) used to hand me down some of her clothes when I was younger and didn't have much of a clothes budget. This woman in my office always used to compliment me on these outfits. I was flattered until one day I looked down and saw that woman was wearing socks with her sandals.

[Bookworm]

Best Comeback in these situations, once used by a friend of mine: "Oh, wow, thanks! I'm so glad the operation worked!" The guy had to think about it for a minute and then he gave us the worst stinkeye ever and stormed off.

:lol:

Once or twice I've gone into a mechanic's shop or garden supply type place dressed up for other reasons. I was not super done up, but dressed in swirly skirt, heels, a little jewelry - and it was always really funny to see the guys come zooming over to help me and be extra attentive. Funny, but a little interesting since I have gone in dressed in other clothes and not gotten that reaction. I don't really get upset about it or anything, but it was interesting the difference that clothes make.

[bananacat]

This just demonstrates the problem though. Certain people will treat you differently based on what you wear, instead of based on who you are as a person. I really make a conscious effort to not treat people differently based on whether or not they conformed to my particular vision of acceptability. It sounds like this old man was just one step away from yelling at those dern kids to get off his lawn and get a haircut. I hate it when older people think they get to judge others just because they've been around longer. I once literally had an old man stop me in a parking lot to complain about my driving and even claim that I hit him, despite the fact that there was no damage to either car, there was a huge space between the cars, and I didn't feel an impact. It turned out at the end that he just wanted to tell me that young people drive too fast (sorry for having normal reflexes and reaction times!)

[Cran]

Reminds me of one of my scarce run-in with a true fundie!

The idea of dresses-only is not widespread in German Christian communities, and those who uphold it are usually an offspring from US-communities who did missionary work here.

So imagine my surprise when I was adressed by a woman while waiting at a traffic light who asked me if I was christian- I'd wear such a nice skirt! It was an ankle-length grey woolskirt, admittedly the frumpiest thing I own.

I told her yes, and she started out telling me that no woman should wear pants, pointing out young girls and asking me if I didn't think this was a skandal! I answered her that I saw nothing bad about it, and would never drream of making a rule about dresses only for women, that it was a personal preference of mine. And that I thought it not very helpful to bring people to Christ by telling them they were dressing wrongly.

She kept on talking and wanted to proffer tracts on me, which I refused.

It was so characertistic to me, she acted like many of those blogging ladies: After hearing about my belief, she didn't say "How nice!" and moved on to another person to share the gospel with, but was absolutely intent on getting me to acknowledge her particular brand of christianity with all its rules. Never confront the real world...

[terranova]

I can't help but think of Emily and Florence from Little Britain

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emily_Howard_%28Little_Britain%29

[Sola]

Best Comeback in these situations, once used by a friend of mine: "Oh, wow, thanks! I'm so glad the operation worked!" The guy had to think about it for a minute and then he gave us the worst stinkeye ever and stormed off.

That's awesome!

I've had it on occasion, though my way of dress is just my way of dress = there is no religion behind it. I don't mind it, unless it's from some skeevy looking old man accompanied by a lecherous look. Then I'm more likely to give him the finger!

My daughter gets complimented a lot. Lots of people say that she always looks like a 'proper girl' (whatever one of those is) She is a VERY girly girl though and much prefers dresses than anything else and is often seen with a profusion of pink! She even loves those gawdawful flowery hair bands which we see the younger Duggar girls wear. Now bear in mind she is ten so should really be approaching that grotty adolescent phase. But this is her choice, I don't force her to wear dresses. She gets her own clothes out every day and chooses what she wants to wear and it is nearly always a dress or skirt. I bought her some jeans last week - the ones that are in fashion for her age with elastic round the hems and high waisted. She took one look at them and asked if they had any pink ones instead....

[darareaksmey]

I would have wanted to compliment him for dressing like an old letch. I don't know. It makes me feel creepy to have my appearance commented on by other than my DH or other intimates (my kids, BFF, etc.)

[JesusFightClub]

I would have wanted to compliment him for dressing like an old letch. I don't know. It makes me feel creepy to have my appearance commented on by other than my DH or other intimates (my kids, BFF, etc.)

Totally agree, sometimes I get people saying "like your hair" or top etc, that is nice, but someone looking you up and down and saying "you look like a lady"? Creepy as hell.

There was a girl I saw once in a club with the most beautiful dress (and I normally don't like dresses) and such a lovely face and style. It took me a bit of courage to approach her and ask where the dress was from. Sadly as she was bigger than me it was from Evans and also from a collection a few years back. Evans, if you don't have in the US, is a plus size range and I am petite. So couldn't get the nice dress (grr!)

I hope she doesn't remember me to this day as a pervo! My gut feeling is compliments on items of clothing, hair etc = normal. Compliments on overall appearance and comparisons to others = dodgy.

[alysee]

I love this conversation! I work at a car dealership. There is only 3 women other than myself. I am surrounded by old men and I don't care what they say about me I am going to wear what I think is professional but I do wear skirts everyday so I get compliments everyday. I just laugh and think they are creepy. Most are old enough to be my father or grandfather.

[Guest Anonymous]

To me, the only appearance-based compliments from strangers that don't squick me out are other women telling me they like some specific item of clothing, I get lots of "Nice shoes!" from other women on the street -- which is funny because almost all my shoes come from Payless. I see no reason to spend a ton of money on shoes that are just going to wear out anyway.

[dormouse]

I mostly wear jeans, so if I wear a skirt or dress at work people will ask me if my husband is taking me on a date after work. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it's because I just felt like it, or because I am visiting my grandmother after work and she loves to see me in a dress and she's 82 so I make the effort.

Speaking of my grandmother, she gets that kind of compliments from the convenience store owner at her old folk's home. Most of the ladies there wear those elastic-waist "mom jeans" with cheap polyester shirts or sweaters emblazoned with kittens. My grandmother however wears a skirt and proper shirt everyday even if she has nowhere to go. But it is for health reasons: she has a colostomy pouch and the loose-fitting dresses and skirts hide it better than jeans. So when she goes to the building's convenience store, the Muslim owner tells her that he likes the way she dresses, that all ladies in the Western world should dress like this because long and loose-fitting skirts and dresses are what compliments a woman best.

[liltwinstar]

My grandfather makes comments like that sometimes - he told me once that he was surprised that the women in his care home didn't wear dresses more often, he thinks my grandma (his wife) should get a "nice dress suit" (keep in mind Grandma is 78 and has pretty advanced Alzheimer's...never mind that she has nowhere to wear said suit), etc.

I think that men of that generation expect women to dress up more than we tend to do now - back in the 40s and 50s, women *did* dress up a bit more, as did men - pretty sure there was no such thing as "business casual" at that point. So I do (sort of) understand it - the world has changed a lot since the 40s, and some people (my grandfather included) feel threatened, disoriented, etc by those changes. Clothing is just an easy thing to pick on. So, for an elderly man, seeing a woman in a dress feels "safe" to him - he knows what social rules to follow. Seeing the same woman in, say, punk gear or a police uniform feels "wrong" and he doesn't know how to behave.

Now, not saying that's right, or that it applies to all older people. I know other elderly people who have adapted quite well to the changes in society. But that's my take on it.

[Shirley MacLaine]

That's happened to me sort of, but since I'm just a spring chicken the couple times it's happened to me have been specifically about how it's nice to see a young person dressed 'like a lady' or not 'showing everything.'

Both times a stranger has said something like that to me, it's been summer when maxi dresses are in. So obviously their finger isn't on the pulse of trends or whatever.

But on the whole, I've been called a slut/whore by strangers many times more than I've been told I dress like a lady. Two sides of the same coin or whatever.

[super skeptic]

This just demonstrates the problem though. Certain people will treat you differently based on what you wear, instead of based on who you are as a person. I really make a conscious effort to not treat people differently based on whether or not they conformed to my particular vision of acceptability.

I think most of us do this on some level. I too have to try hard to NOT do it, it's really a conscious effort. We make a lot of inferences based on appearance.

[MrsYoungie]

"So tell me kind sir, what should I wear to never have you speak to me unsolicited again?"

[Elle]

I think all dressing like a lady (or gentleman) means is to dress without boobs or drawers hanging out. I'm far from prude, and some of my not-too-long-ago exploits would probably make some here blush, but I appreciate seeing people dressed as if they cared about their appearance and weren't dressing to turn heads or to "look like a thug." We see more men dressed nicely than women, but I think that's partly because our society has been sending the message that we're worth however sexy we can be, and some people comment on seeing the opposite. What would you prefer, "How nice to see someone dressed modestly and with some care"? I've been complimented on "dressing like a lady" when in slacks and a button-up blouse over a pastel camisole.

Nothing bad is meant by this phrase. There's no underlying meaning of "good to see someone who knows their place is in the kitchen bearing babies" or anything like that.

It's normal to treat people differently based on appearance. If you see someone dressed in baggy pants, you might be a lot more casual and use normal language when talking to your friends within earshot of the baggy-pants people (not implying being impolite), but if you see someone dressed modestly or older or someone with a small child, you might tone it down in an attempt to not offend. And don't try giving me tripe about how if someone doesn't want to be offended, don't go into public. I'll toss that line right back at you for being offended by being complimented on your appearance for "dressing like a lady." How someone dresses or conducts themselves sends societal clues about who they are, and it's normal to pick up on those clues and modify your behavior (though this shouldn't include being rude if you normally aren't).

[Esteleth]

This reminds me of something that happened recently.

In my day-to-day life, I'm a jeans-tshirt-and-ponytail kind of woman. As a hobby, I participate in the SCA, where people dress up in Medieval/Renaissance costumes.

So, there I am. I am wearing a full-length gown and surcoat (the jumper is a direct descendent, clothing-wise, from the surcoat), have my hair in braids, and I'm wearing a head covering. And I'm hungry. So, I walk into a fast food restaurant. I get some stares (this is something that SCAdians refer to as "freaking the mundanes") but I ignore it. Most people assume that it is a costume of some sort and are polite.

Coming out of the shop, I walk past a man. He - unusually for a Saturday that's 80 degrees in the suburbs - is wearing a tucked-in button-up shirt and khakis. Then I notice the Bible and bundle of CHICK TRACTS (lord have mercy!) under his arm. He smiles broadly at me and loudly asks if I'm coming to the protest outside Planned Parenthood later that day.

I am able to snap back, "No, but I already donated money to them, and last week I volunteered as a clinic escort. Damned fundies were out in force, too, the assholes." I then walk past him and back to my car. posting.php?mode=reply&f=8&t=2804&sid=abdd95246f6479673a989404941cca8e#

The look on his face was PRICELESS. I wish I'd had my camera!

[LynnKaboom]

Eh, that's pretty normal for old people. They just kind of say what they want to, especially my late great-grandfather. He lived to be 98 years old, and in his last years he just didn't give a fuck. He would tell people they were dressed like hookers if he thought they were dressed badly.

I miss him, no one else ever was able to tell it like it was as well as he could, and he wasn't afraid to do so to anyone.