Homeschool Sex Machine

[mebeforee]

I just started reading this book, "Homeschool Sex Machine: Babes, Bible Quiz, and the Clinton Years" on my Kindle after Amazon recommended it to me based on my other searches/purchases. I wondered if anyone else had read it? It only has a few reviews on Amazon but so far I'm really enjoying it, it's basically a collection of memories of a kid who grew up in homeschool fundie circles and the sort of things that really went through his head, how he saw the world and how he dealt with the opposite sex. I have to say that it's really funny and I think it's right up Free Jinger's alley, something genuinely enjoyable to lessen some of the rage and disgust that usually accompany reading about that corner of the religious world.

I would guess that this author (Matthew Pierce) is no longer a part of the fundie community, because his writing's a little bit too self-aware to get away with it if he's still there; lines like "In addition to Bible Quiz, I had completed my transformation into a bad boy by joining the worship team at church" and (about MASH games in his notebook) "Usually I kept playing until I wound up marrying a girl named Sarah, because she was the hottest, and why wouldn't God want me to marry the hottest girl?"

Anyway, I just wondered if anyone here had read it already? Or even heard of it?

[usmcmom]

I haven't read it but I certainly plan to now. Sounds great. Thanks for the tip.

[mebeforee]

There are some especially hilarious bits related to the purity aspect of things. One I just read involved his parents being very concerned about his frequent and apparent interest in girls, and thus that he is not guarding his emotional purity. It leads them to push him and his siblings to go to a homeschool conference about courtship. He specifically mentions I Kissed Dating Goodbye and describes a bizarre knighting ritual that apparently ushered in the next generation of confused, awkward young courters :lol:

[Miggy]

Please, give us more. I want to hear more of this.

[mebeforee]

"Looking across the sanctuary was like an optical illusion. Every single boy there, every single one, had the same hairstyle, the 1950's plaster job that required a perfect part and copious amounts of hair gel or mayonnaise or who knows what. My sister called this "homeschool hair".

...

Most of all, we learned about the danger of the male Percolating Gland. During one of the endless hour-long blocks of lecturing, the man gave an extended example of the dangers of one-on-one dating. He compared a date to a pot of coffee.

"You know those old coffee pots, the ones with the plastic bubble on top, where you can see the coffee in there when it starts per-co-la-ting?"

Evidently, when two people were alone, their Percolating Glands got going. I looked at the man's wife. She did not look like the kind of woman who took kindly to percolating."

:lol:

They then ask all those who want to commit to a dating-free lifestyle to get in line and be knighted into "purposeful singlehood". Needless to say, he's the only kid who doesn't join in, much to the horror of his mother sitting next to him.

"The speaker had each homeschooler kneel on the steps of the stage and recite the "Vow of Purity" for all to hear. Then the speaker took the big silver sword and hoisted it up clumsily over his head. Wielding the blade like a drunken actor in a renaissance fair, he brought the tip of the sword down and tapped the shoulders of the homeschool teen. The mothers in the audience then erupted in applause, and the speaker's frightening wife handed the triumphant teen a "Certificate of Knighthood" with his name hastily scribbled on the line."

[mebeforee]

He also spends most of the conference daydreaming about the different pick-up lines he might use to get a date with a girl he has a big crush on :lol:

[mebeforee]

After he uses his grocery-store job money to enroll part-time in a tiny Christian school held in a nearby church so he can participate in sports, he asks a girl to prom, and this gem comes out -

"From the moment I enrolled at CHS my parents had made it very clear that I would not be taking a girl to prom, either in this life or the next. Oddly enough, CHS shared these sentiments. Both my parents and my school knew the truth about proms: they were ceremonies of debauchery where Christian youth cast aside their beliefs to openly engage in orgies."

ETA: "Instead, CHS was hosting a Spring Banquet. There was to be no cleavage (thanks, Presbyterians), no touching, no dancing (thanks, Baptists), and essentially no fun of any kind. And just to make sure we left the event edified, the school had booked a Christian performance artist to act out the book of Jonah in a one-man play. So, how was your teenage experience?"

[ILoveJellybeans]

This sounds awesome :D

[mebeforee]

It's not a very long book, only took me a few hours to complete it and it's only about three bucks on Amazon. So anyone curious should check it out!

[Cassia]

If I had a Kindle, I'd be purchasing this book right now - seems like a fun read :)

Thanks for the heads up, I'll be putting this on my 'must read list'.

[mebeforee]

(in Kindergarten): "It seemed like a good time to take our relationship to the next level, so I leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek."

then: "When I was set to enter the first grade my parents began talking about homeschooling. I guess this was because I was such a sex machine and they figured the only way they could keep me in line was to keep me at home. In any case, homeschooling was not called a choice; it was a calling."

I can't get over how delightful this book is, guys. Even rereading the bits I highlighted on my kindle makes me laugh :cracking-up:

[DGayle]

After he uses his grocery-store job money to enroll part-time in a tiny Christian school held in a nearby church so he can participate in sports, he asks a girl to prom, and this gem comes out -

"From the moment I enrolled at CHS my parents had made it very clear that I would not be taking a girl to prom, either in this life or the next. Oddly enough, CHS shared these sentiments. Both my parents and my school knew the truth about proms: they were ceremonies of debauchery where Christian youth cast aside their beliefs to openly engage in orgies."

ETA: "Instead, CHS was hosting a Spring Banquet. There was to be no cleavage (thanks, Presbyterians), no touching, no dancing (thanks, Baptists), and essentially no fun of any kind. And just to make sure we left the event edified, the school had booked a Christian performance artist to act out the book of Jonah in a one-man play. So, how was your teenage experience?"

This book is now on my to-read list.

[mebeforee]

I'd hoped someone here had already read it, because I really want to laugh about it with someone. But if it's pretty much unknown, hopefully the author will make some dollars off us all here and give us some more to enjoy!

Once some of y'all finish reading it (Amazon guesses it's around 80 pages, so not a huge time commitment) we should talk about it here, because I want to hear people's thoughts and it's hard to find a fandom for this kind of thing, hahaha :lol:

[Trynn]

The free jinger book club! First; poison wood bibke. 2nd, this book!

[Gertie]

Thanks for the recommendation! I've just downloaded it and will probably read it next week during my (internetless) vacation.