Ken Alexander~ Pin your misbehaving wife to the wall

[Koala]

Advice for the husband of a "misbehaving" wife, from the man who seems to have taken over Lori's blog. The whole thing is worth reading just for the what the fuckery factor, but here are the highlights:

A few times I have counseled couples where the fiance, or wife, is a strong, in control women who likes to act out at times, putting her husband on the defensive. Sometimes the acting out gets out of control, demeaning and scolding, making sure to keep her man in his proper place, just arm’s length away in the relationship, yet complaining loudly that there is no real connection or intimacy. I ask the husband “What do you do when she seems so out of control at home?†and he looks back at me bewildered as if to say, “Like what can I do about it?â€

What if you quietly walked over to your wife who is seemingly out of control and you placed your hands on her arms and pinned her to the wall, or you gave her a bear hug for a moment where she could not move, and then you kissed her a few times then whispered in her ear, “I love you, but this is totally unacceptable behavior. Please stop.’â€

The remarkable thing is that the wife usually speaks up and says, "I think I would like that! I hate it when I feel so out of control with my own feelings and behavior.â€

Yes, vulnerability is something most of us want, but it is scary. Anyone who wants a deep connection with God, or any human being, must first learn to be vulnerable. Feminism has robbed far too many marriages of this gift from God where a wife can flow into her husband’s love and protection knowing that no matter what, he will be her Prince Charming riding on a white horse to save her, because he loves her more than anyone else in the whole wide world!

Careful there Ken. Advising men to use unlawful restraint on their wives *might* not be the best idea your masculine, manly, man brain has cooked up in a while.

[gustava]

Ugh.

[precious_one]

What a Jackhole!!

[ILoveJellybeans]

What kind of things is he suggesting men do this to their wives for???? It seems like he is suggesting that a man should pin his wife to the wall if she starts complaining about him being a massive tool.

Lori is a monster, but I feel bad for her being married to this abusive asshat.

[browngrl]

Exactly who are these wives that Ken is talking about? Are they two years old? Are they competent to make decisions? Are the "restraints" he's talking about in the context of an S+M session - are "safe" words involved?

I just can't believe fundies.

[Koala]

Seeing as how there is only 1 comment, I am guess there is a whole lot of shit that is not being approved. All these fundies can hope is that when they carry out Ken's advice, he comes through with bail money. Because if some dumbass fuck ever pinned me to the wall? He'd need it. :evil:

[keen23]

If my husband dared to pin me to the wall, he'd be singing soprano for a week. Getting pinned to a wall is a violent act, and I'd absolutely react in self defense, to take him down in any way possible and get out of that position.

[Hisey]

Is this what Ken wants for his daughters? That their husbands pin them to the wall when they are "out of control" (ie, saying things the hubby doesn't want to hear)?

[nellautumngirl]

Ew, what the fuck? This reminds me of Nigella Lawson's dickhead of an ex-husband.

[thoughtful]

Ken, you sound like Michael Pearl.

And that is not a good thing.

[snuggles911]

I wonder if Ken does this to Lori. It would explain her passive-agressiveness toward him.

Does he address how a wife should handle an out-of-control husband?

[maybeizfundie]

Ooooh, "It's for your own good." abuse. How clever and original. Not.

[docmom]

I wonder if Ken does this to Lori. It would explain her passive-agressiveness toward him.

Does he address how a wife should handle an out-of-control husband?

An out of control husband is the wife's fault. She should be more submissive.

[Koala]

He got called on it.

His reply:

So Lucy, you sound like you have a good relationship with your husband, tell us what you think he can do when you yourself feel like you are out of control. She he just leave the home for a while, go sit and watch TV and ignore you. Or should he respond with unkind words and get out of control with you?

Certainly if a wife told a husband that she did not benefit from or appreciate his taking control of the situation in a strong and certainly non-abusive way, than he should honor this.` For a vulnerable wife would have already come to learn that her husband would never hurt or harm her. This is advice to couples who have the capacity for a vulnerably together and want to experiment to see if the husband's strength in times of upset is appreciated by his wife, or not. It is worth a try to see how one's wife responds, unless of course vulnerability is not part of your game plan

And from one of the sheeple:

Ken,

I loved your post. But I knew right away you were going to catch flack for the exact lines Lucy pointed out. The problem I have with what Lucy states is she basically reduces headship to just love. And the kind of love that is just feel goods. A love that does not punish, a love that does not ask in what would be called in today's world "controlling" is not love at all. It is not love in the kind of love Jesus has for us or what he calls love. Notice in your example's the wife was not hurt. She was not abused. But because you are encouraging something that for a few moments takes out "choice" just for a few split seconds it's abuse in today's world. There were no bruises left, no slaps, no punches, no meanness. You were protecting her, but it's called abuse. No harsh words spoken (exactly the opposite to be true). This is what headship has become in today's world. Just make her feel good...oh I mean loved. I wonder if in Jesus's great love for us how He responds to us does not make us feel good at all times?

Lucy, I'm not trying to be hard on you and your husband but that kind of reasoning does not line up with loving your wife as Christ loves the church. His love looks much more harsh and abusive at times than anything Ken suggested. So are we or are we not to love as Christ loved the church?

See? If a man doesn't punish and control his wife, he doesn't even love her! Because JESUS!

[GeoBQn]

When I was first dating my husband, he had a habit where if we were hugging and I started to walk away, he would hug me tighter for a few seconds to stop me from leaving. It bothered me, and eventually I told him. At first, he was confused because I would laugh when he did this, but I was laughing because it made me uncomfortable. Once I explained this to him, he stopped doing it.

It didn't matter that he had no intention of hurting me. It didn't matter that I knew he had no intention of hurting me. It didn't matter that he was doing it in a loving manner, and not to discipline me.

None of this mattered because it didn't feel good. It didn't feel good on a gut, instinctual level, because that's how it feels to be physically restrained at a moment when I want to move freely. And because my husband is not an abusive asshole, he stopped doing it, because he wants me to feel loved and safe.

[salex]

These people fill me with disgust. THey are perhaps more dangerous than the Pearls (if they had the same following) because they look much less "weird" but are just as horrible.

[VooDooChild]

And just what is it that requires my husband to come riding in on a white horse to save me from. Why do I need to be protected? What do I need to be kept safe from? Can somebody fill me in here?

[thoughtful]

And just what is it that requires my husband to come riding in on a white horse to save me from. Why do I need to be protected? What do I need to be kept safe from? Can somebody fill me in here?

Men who might pin you to the wall, or make you have sex against your will, or mock you . . . oh, wait. . .

[maybeizfundie]

His definition of "out of control" is crazy. Might one have to physically restrain a person who was attacking you physically or trying to harm themselves? That happens, sure.

Nagging and complaining about a lack of intimacy in the relationship is not "out of control."

And what should the man do? I don't know. How about a heartfelt "I'm so sorry you feel so alone in this relationship. I love you. What can I do to make this right?" minus the physical restraint. Is that so difficult?

[VooDooChild]

Men who might pin you to the wall, or make you have sex against your will, or mock you . . . oh, wait. . .

:? My husband would protect me against these things because he loves me and he's a decent human being, not because he feels the need to control me. And these situations have never occurred, so it's obvious somebody lives in a fantasy word if he needs to hammer this white knight scenario home so often and so loudly.

Sometimes, I feel sorry for Lori. I'd like to believe that if it weren't for her brain tumor, then she would find a way to get away from her abusive husband. But maybe that's just me living in my own fantasy world.

[Hane]

Oh, crap--this thread is so triggery. About 20 years ago, during an argument with my then-husband, I went to leave the house. He followed me into the garage and put me in a headlock and said some condescending things. I twisted around and instinctively tried to knee him in the nuts, but didn't connect (he was about ten inches taller than I and much heavier). He hollered at me, demanding that I admit that I'd tried to knee him. Somehow I broke free--and he burst into tears. He said he felt guilty and wanted to go back to being the "nice guy" he used to be. I went into the house and spent the day vedging on the couch ignoring him as he tiptoed around me.

To this day, I hate myself for not having thrown him out. I'm sure my emotional paralysis had something to do with the kids being in the house (my 12-year-old daughter, and his "problem child" 12-year-old son, who was living with us that year).

I was so ashamed that I didn't even mention this to the people closest to me until long after I divorced him.

Fun fact: I was a founding member of my town's domestic violence task force and shelter back in the '70s.

I feel fucking sick now--even though he's dead.

[VodouDoll]

The remarkable thing is that the wife usually speaks up and says, "I think I would like that! I hate it when I feel so out of control with my own feelings and behavior.â€

I recently read very similar advice in a parenting book about toddlers. Not the pinning to the wall bit, obviously, but the thing about tantrums being frightening for very young children because they can't communicate well and don't know how to regulate their feelings yet. Who are these women who are grateful to their husbands for thinking of them as literal infants instead of respecting them as adult people? Figments of his imagination, probably.

So Lucy, you sound like you have a good relationship with your husband, tell us what you think he can do when you yourself feel like you are out of control.

I just...I don't even understand the question. He just takes for granted that women feel out of control a lot. Out of control? I'm a married adult woman and I've never felt or been out of control. I've never yelled profanities at my family, or even had a screaming argument, much less a physically violent outburst that would require my husband to restrain me. Because I'm a grownup. I am capable of communicating anger and frustration without losing control of myself. Is Lori not? Does Ken believe all women are monsters who are so dangerous to themselves and others when they're angry that they have to be restrained? What am I even reading? Has he ever met an adult woman before who is capable of regulating her own behavior without a husband stepping in like a preschooler's daddy? Or does he just assume all women are like this because they're inherently childlike/weaker sex/stupid/on their periods/whatever?

[thoughtful]

:? My husband would protect me against these things because he loves me and he's a decent human being, not because he feels the need to control me. And these situations have never occurred, so it's obvious somebody lives in a fantasy word if he needs to hammer this white knight scenario home so often and so loudly.

My point was that the controlling husbands do all of the things I listed -- they're not the protectors, they are the source of the danger.

[Beammeup]

Unless I've agreed to having Mr. BeamMeUp controlling my body for a specific reason and a limited time and safe words are known (although we are incredibly vanilla) this is an absolute no.

I took restraining classes when I worked with troubled children. I hated when it was my turn to be the one they practiced on. HATED IT. I started fighting back and it wasn't in the scenario for the training. This behavior is abusive, pure and simple. Of course the little woman is going to say she liked it, she doesn't want it to continue. I don't need someone to pin me to the wall to calm down, it usually makes an escalation of the behavior by taking something verbal and adding physical strength and control to it.

FUCK HIM. I'm shaking over this.

[Hisey]

Ken is not pinning Lori against the wall to "calm her down". Instead, he is intimidating and coercing her. He doesn't admit this, but by pinning her he is saying, "Stop this or I won't let you go." Because of course he won't let her go till she "behaves."

Ken looks like a skinny weeny. If Lori was healthy and in good shape, I wonder if she could do her own pinning, quite successfully.