"Melissa" by Frank Page

[sewingmom2]

I just read the book, "Melissa" by Frank Page, about the suicide of his 32yo married daughter a few years ago. Page is president and CEO of the Southern Baptist Convention Executive Committee in Nashville. Melissa had apparently been "troubled" and a "handful" for many years. He spoke quite a bit about family embarrassment, Satanic influences, and so forth. I think it's worth a read and a discussion, fwiw.

[lemonhead]

Thanks for the recommendation. I'm going to get it for my kindle. I have first-hand experience with how the talibaptists handle depression and suicide, so I'm very curious to read what he has to say.

[lemonhead]

Oooookay...I'm one paragraph in to the Dedication and I'm already upset at this book.

[SheWoreLemon]

Don't feel bad about just deleting the book if it's upsetting and possibly triggering to you, Lemon. I also went through depression and suicidal periods while I was married into a fundy family, so I know exactly what you are talking about. There's just no way for people dealing with mental illnesses to win in that worldview. It's your fault for being sick--you aren't praying enough, trusting enough, have been possessed by "demons of depression." What was even worse, is that I apparently welcomed those demons in by not having enough faith in the first place.

There was no grace, just condemnation. I had to give up being Christian because I only felt condemned and abandoned by Jesus. That made me even more depressed and suicidal. But even the escape of suicide was cut off from me--because I'd go straight to hell for committing the "unforgivable sin." I got much better once I gave up on Christianity, yet I still miss the community of having a church family. I've tried going back to church a few times, but I feel too sure that people are secretly judging me for my depression. What a mindfuck.

[lemonhead]

Don't feel bad about just deleting the book if it's upsetting and possibly triggering to you, Lemon. I also went through depression and suicidal periods while I was married into a fundy family, so I know exactly what you are talking about. There's just no way for people dealing with mental illnesses to win in that worldview. It's your fault for being sick--you aren't praying enough, trusting enough, have been possessed by "demons of depression." What was even worse, is that I apparently welcomed those demons in by not having enough faith in the first place.

There was no grace, just condemnation. I had to give up being Christian because I only felt condemned and abandoned by Jesus. That made me even more depressed and suicidal. But even the escape of suicide was cut off from me--because I'd go straight to hell for committing the "unforgivable sin." I got much better once I gave up on Christianity, yet I still miss the community of having a church family. I've tried going back to church a few times, but I feel too sure that people are secretly judging me for my depression. What a mindfuck.

Thank you so much for this. You have described very eloquently the messages I (and many others, I'm sure) have received from the church when dealing with depression, other mental illness, and suicidal thoughts. I still have so much anger about this, even after years of therapy and after leaving Christianity behind. And what you describe is very close to what Page writes about in this book.

Yes, this book was triggery for me but I felt compelled to continue and it's a pretty short book, so I just skimmed it. I am heartbroken for this man and his family; I would not wish this kind of grief and pain on anyone. It's clear that he loves and misses Melissa deeply. At the same time, I have to wonder how much of her unhappiness was related to growing up in this family; I know, of course, of the biological component of depression, but the environmental influence is enormous. In writing about her life, he conveys a subtle but persistent sense of resentment towards Melissa since her early childhood over what he describes as her "strong-willed" personality, need for constant attention, emotional immaturity, spiritual weakness, misbehavior that embarrassed him--all in stark contrast with his meek and obedient wife and other daughters. She must have felt this from him too, and probably saw herself as the black sheep of the family. When he describes the last few days before her death, he tells about a couple of conversations in which she expressed frustration and despair over not being able to do "the right things" in her life. I wish someone could go back and tell her, "Melissa, you're okay, you're a good and beautiful person just the way you are." I'm sure she never heard such a humanistic affirmation in her life--like most conservative and/or fundy Christians, she was taught that she could never be good enough, and that's very sad.

In the dedication, he lists four points he wants to make to readers who may be suicidal. The first two are very shaming, essentially telling people that they are selfish for considering suicide. This may be true; I don't want to argue that, but opening this book with words that may make a suicidal person feel even more guilty and ashamed is just disgusting and shows a remarkable lack of insight and empathy.

And I can't even get into the chapter devoted to outlining the reasons for depression and his anti-medication stance :angry-banghead:

He does make a few good points: he argues that suicide does not automatically send a soul to hell, he says he thinks it's okay to be angry with God after a suicide, he calls the church out for not responding with love and compassion to people with mental illness, and he talks about how we all grieve differently; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I'll give him props for that.

But overall, I'm just saddened by this book.

[PennySycamore]

I remember when Melissa Page committed suicide as Frank Page is local. I don't know whether or not I want to read this book considering what you three have written about it, but probably not. The last thing a person who is depressed needs to hear is that they are selfish for considering suicide.

Dr Page always struck me as an asshole from his weekly newspaper columns. This only confirms it.

ETA: Those you who've read the book, please write a review on the Amazon website. The book needs to have some bad reviews posted.

[sewingmom2]

What struck me was how severely Melissa's actions were judged and how, from early childhood, she was seen as "not good enough." She was pretty much forced to relinquish a child for adoption when she was 19. Her father seemed most concerned about how she could have possibly done such a thing.

She was married and 32 when she died. He keeps saying things like "my little Melissa" and "no one loves you like daddy." I have kids in their 30's. I an NOT intimately involved in their emotional states or in the details of their lives. I love them, I pray for them, but they own their own lives. Where they go to church, if they go to church, their spiritual state--none of my business. Moral decisions that they make? None of my business. It's not that I don't care. It is that they are grown. I would never feel that an adult child of mine is "my little girl." My daughter is my daughter--I love her with all my heart. But she is a nurse practitioner, a tango dancer, an independent spirit, a struggling Catholic, single, a world traveler with an interesting life. She is no longer "my little girl." There is nothing she could do to embarrass me. She has her own life and it no longer reflects on me, at all. Just quick thoughts.....