How to write letters to a husband that doesn't exist

[emiliawasframed]

This was a super-huge trend when I was a fundie-lite preteen and teenager. We all started keeping journals to our future husbands because we read about it in Eric and Leslie Ludy's book When God Writes Your Love Story, and then the Ludys came to our youth group and spoke and we were all jealous of their super godly marriage (Side-note: Did you guys know the Ludys sing? That stuff is snark gold!). Fast-forward eight or so years and I'm engaged to Mr. EWF, who laughs uproariously when we find one of those letters, because he went to a crazypants Bible college and knew all about that trend. It did lead to us having a great conversation about how our churches sometimes caused us to have unrealistic romantic expectations, though, so thanks to Eric and Leslie and their dumb book?

[Nothing2CHere]

That poor man. Whoever this poor guy who decides to enter a relationship with her is going to have so much expectations to live up to.

The closest thing I have come to writing a letter to my future girlfriend is writing my feelings for her down on paper because I couldnt hold them in anymore but couldnt tell her because I know shes into men.

I think obsessively doing it when you dont even have any specific person in mind is kinda sad though.

This, totally this.

Also, when I was a teen my friends and I had a thing about dancing in the rain, but we always did it with each other, not future husbands. And I'm pretty sure it was because a few of my friends were obsessed with vampire movies back then - there must have been a rain-dancing scene in either the 90's version of Dracula or The Vampire Lestat. :character-count:

[Claddagh]

I remember some of that letter writing stuff growing up. We had to do something similar when I was in school for English class.

My list was pretty simple, be a decent guy, love me for who I am, and a few other positive traits that I forget at the moment.

Oh, and I failed the assignment for not being "creative enough." :naughty:

There's nothing wrong with wishing or writing letters but there comes a point where one must realize what are and what are not reasonable expectations.

[GiggleOfGirls]

I never wrote letters to my future husband, but my parents had me make periodic lists of everything that I should look for in a future husband. I found it to be both boring and annoying.

And am I the only one who reads her blog URL as "god-slaughter" :shifty: Because, yeah, I do a double-take every single time.

[salex]

There's a girl who has a Tumblr blog, Dear Future Husband http://allformyfuturehusband.tumblr.com/, who writes her letters for all to see. They are quite hilarious. Very dreamy and full of unrealistic expectations. Sometimes it makes me very sad because it's obvious she's pining away for someone who doesn't exist.

Ok, I had to follow your link. I didn't make it past the first post (a song or poem) that read "Take me a little deeper" before I was laughing. How old is this poor girl.

I am also going to say until TODAY, i have never heard of such a practice as writing a letter to your future husband. Are the boys taught to do the same?

This is a serious WTF moment for me... as I see no upside to either creating this fictionalized version of a someday spouse or reading it to him (other than to make him bust a gut laughing).

[Izzybee]

Does she not see that even the romantic things she writes about to her future husband (gag) are supposed to be spontaneous? Poor guy. She's going to spend the first day of their married life looking at the 10 day forecast to schedule some dancing in the rain. Not romantic.

[Joan of Snarc]

Ok, I had to follow your link. I didn't make it past the first post (a song or poem) that read "Take me a little deeper" before I was laughing. How old is this poor girl.

Well hey, at least that one might have some instructional value to her husband in the future.

:twisted:

[VooDooChild]

I agree, she is harmless compared to Zsu and Kendull. Like formergothardite said, she does believe a lot of the same things that fundies believe in. But I don't see her ever become extremely hateful like Zsu.

I disagree that she is harmless. She has such ludicrously high ideals that she will be crushed when/if she actually gets married. She'll probably become bitter just like the others we snark on. Then she will poison her kids with her beliefs and try to push her beliefs onto others. I'm hoping this won't happen and that the fundie cycle of poison will run itself out before the passage of a decade or two.

[Dev83]

If I had written a bunch of letters to my husband before I even met him, then presented them to him, he probably would have run away faster than I could say "creepy".

[ladyamylynn]

The thing that gets me about the fucking rain dancing is that she lives in Oregon, for Christ's sake. It's not like rain is some miraculous surprise- it rains here constantly for 9 months out of the year. And guess what, for most of that time it's like 40-60 degrees out. Ok for hiking or whatever if you're wearing the right clothes, but not for twirling around in a gauzy dress with a dreamy virginal man-child.

[Closed Womb]

I think it's weird to write letters to people that you don't know yet. I think it has the possibility of being very triggering to someone who never gets married or who marries someone different from what she imagined in her youth (or developmental youth, as the case may be.) Kind of like writing letters to children you will have someday, only to learn you are not able to have children or adopt. I also think it has the possibility of being very upsetting to both the wife and the husband (because, let's face it, we are going for heteronormativity here) if he is not exactly like the person she envisions. She might dwell on "settling" and he might concern himself with not measuring up, and then something that had no ill intentions is suddenly hurtful.

I know people are kind of clamping down on the personal stuff, in light of our shake up. But I'll admit to a short lived fundie background. I was single and encouraged to make a list of qualities I wanted in a man. I did, and then I prayed for specifics (as instructed.) I don't even know what was on there (although it was a page long.) FFS, maybe I even wanted to dance in the damn rain.* However, I know it does not describe my husband. All the church stuff, for starters, would not apply (thank goodness). Who knows what else? But we have a great relationship and I didn't have some stupid checklist to give me reasons not to be happier than I ever thought I could be in a relationship (I really liked the single life, especially living alone...)

Oh Raquel, stop leading people into limiting, potentially harmful, exercises in stupidity.

*Okay, dance in the rain was NOT on there.

[Knight of Ni]

This topic made me remember a group I saw on Facebook several years ago. Its title was "I pray for my future spouse" or something similar. The description talked about how you already love this person dearly deep in your heart and you're just waiting to meet him. You should only want the best for this person and pray for his well being and some other shit like that.

[nokidsmom]

If I had written a bunch of letters to my husband before I even met him, then presented them to him, he probably would have run away faster than I could say "creepy".

My husband would have bolted after getting something like that. Last date for sure.

[salex]

Ok, i was curious, and googled up letters to my future wife and came upon a few.

I am a bit unsure about the rules for links on this board, so I added (dot) to these links.. just remove it and they should work.

One seems pretty secularish, but I don't know. His letters seem more like soft porn --

http://peterdewolf.(dot)com/i-even-had-drawings-future-wife/

""Friends will drop by and you and I’ll sit what others would mistakenly call “unnecessarily close†together. I’ll listen to their stories while placing my hand on your thigh under the table. You’ll smile. You’ll know that the first squeeze means “I love you.†And the second squeeze means “You and me on this table before these sumbitches even get out of the driveway.â€""

This guy seems more creepy

http://letterstoluthien.wordpress.com/2013/01/

His section on "purity" is pretty scary to me.... http://letterstoluthien.wordpress(dot).com/category/purity/

He rages that others are no longer virgins. He rages that his friend who is not a virgin is marrying a virgin who "some" thought would be a good match for him, but who wouldn't give him the time of day. He writes about being different and having issues, and frankly, I suspect he has more than a few.

But he is willing to dance in the rain.

http://letterstoluthien.wordpress.(dot)com/?s=dance+in+the+rain

[Bloo]

I think it's cute if you write those letters before about, oh, high school age. Normal people start having actual relationships around that point, and stop acting like Marcia Brady did when she was totes in love with her dentist but didn't even know his name.

[defrauding]

To begin with she says that some people have said spending your time writing letters to a guy you may never meet is not that great of a thing.

Indeed. Ginny Weasley could tell Miss Raquel a story or two about that.

[jenny_islander]

I see her as either 1) suffering the probable fates of the the Arndt boys, meaning she's never getting married because her expectations are so high AND she expects the guy to be just be dropped down from heaven with no effort on her part or 2) she's going to find herself tied to a real abusive jerk who manages to say and do all the right things to rope her in until it's too late.

Yes, this. Living your life by the number one sure-fire do-this-and-be-happy-forever checklist of happiness involves taking the risk that somebody who wants a patsy will saunter up, checklist in hand, to be your knight in shining armor for juuuuust as long as it takes to get you married to him. Being lonely and desperate can lead to the same trap. And if you think that divorce is the ultimate sin, you're stuck.

Ann Rule wrote some true-crime articles about what can happen to such women. Spoiler: They all end up miserable and some of them end up dead.

[Hane]

What worries me is that the guys Miss Raquel hangs around with and seems to idolize (per her blog) are arrogant, misogynistic $#!+s, and that she may well end up married to one.

[Trynn]

Indeed. Ginny Weasley could tell Miss Raquel a story or two about that.

Next blog post:

Mz. Raquel: Help me! I have been possessed by my future husband! (But at least I now know his name...)

[dairyfreelife]

I think she's just a lonely teenager. When I was in middle school, I used to write letters to the guy or two I had a crush on and wrote a letter to them. I had all sorts of dreams about how we'd live and I look back and I was so naive. But really, I was lonely. In high school, I made a new list of what I wanted in a guy and imagined who he might be. I didn't write letters to him that I recall. Again, I was lonely.

Hopeless or as Raquel says, Hopeful, romantics tend to have one thing in common...they've never been in a relationship and more importantly, they desperately want one. I know, because I was that teenager. Raquel is 17, almost 18. She's in world where marriage and children is everything. She's the typical arrogant and ignorant teenager as well. She may change out of her fundie beliefs. I did. So have many others.

[Chasingthedog]

There's a girl who has a Tumblr blog, Dear Future Husband http://allformyfuturehusband.tumblr.com/, who writes her letters for all to see. They are quite hilarious. Very dreamy and full of unrealistic expectations. Sometimes it makes me very sad because it's obvious she's pining away for someone who doesn't exist.

what the fucking hell? This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. I cannot imagine. How very very very sad.

[treehugger]

:lol: I used to keep tons of journals as a kid/teenager. When I went to college I went through them and nearly died of mortification. They were all burned - and I have never felt happier or more liberated. Thank goodness my husband never saw them - the tedium may very well have killed him if he didn't run far away first.

[Rowan]

By Miss Raquel (of course):

Things You Love About Him //

But write down things you know you'll love about. His love for God. His love for you. His smile. His eyes. Tell him that you love being his.

Because nothing says personal and I love YOU than generic attributes that you would love about any man who you married. :roll:

[lilah]

Yes, this. Living your life by the number one sure-fire do-this-and-be-happy-forever checklist of happiness involves taking the risk that somebody who wants a patsy will saunter up, checklist in hand, to be your knight in shining armor for juuuuust as long as it takes to get you married to him. Being lonely and desperate can lead to the same trap. And if you think that divorce is the ultimate sin, you're stuck.

Ann Rule wrote some true-crime articles about what can happen to such women. Spoiler: They all end up miserable and some of them end up dead.

Yeah if she was allowed to date (or allowed herself to date) she might have some more realistic expectations about relationships. And you know most guys aren't budding Lloyd Doblers who do 10 romantic gestures a day

[VVV]

Am I the only one who reads those letters and thinks that the only people I've ever known who might find the content of the letters to be appealing are....

women?