The Maxwell Blog Goes Ghetto

[theologygeek]

Don't know if anyone reads Jenny The Bloggess, but she made a post about a site called gizoogle.net You can put the url to any site in and it translates it into Snoop Dog's slang. I put the Maxwell blog in and this was the translation. Then I laughed very hard.

 

Da Auntie’s Park

Posted on November 26, 2012 by Sarah

 

A week ago Saturday, our crazy-ass asses decided ta set up tha play set. It was a gorgeous, sunny afternoon, n' there was nuff willin helpers. Our thugged-out asses carried tha pieces, a shitload of which was mad heavy, from tha back corna of tha yard ta tha mo' central location Anna n' Dad had chosen. Then tha procesz of boltin thangs together fuckin started. Occasionizzlely, Anna consulted pictures her ass took when they dismantled tha ta help her peep how tha fuck it needed ta be reconstructed. There is still a few final touches ta be completed yo, but it aint nuthin but mainly done fo' realz. Anna prayed fo' nuff months fo' a play set, n' tha Lord brought dis one along fo' a incredible deal yo. Happily, our crazy-ass asses gotz a welcome addizzle ta our backyard.

 

Delightin up in Jizzy,

Sarah

[marmalade]

That's one helluva talent if her ass can really take pictures. :lol:

[salsa]

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Minerva]

I read that whole thing in Snoop Dogg's voice.

[doggie]

We need it in christian ghetto it would be more realistic.

[theologygeek]

I'm scrolling down and reading how it translated all their blog posts. I am going to wake someone up by laughing so loud.

Melanie n' I is thankful for:

Salvation.

Each other.

Our hoes.

Abigail

My fuckin swin n' tha light dat Dogg gives our asses (the sun n' moon, {Abigail luddz tha moon}). Christina.

Bethany

Swin n' Christina.

[Naga Viper]

Not enough F-bombs, IMO. But awesome and hilarious nonetheless.

[CrazySister]

Maxwell's blog has never been so entertaining!

[Anxious Girl]

Lousewife has nothing to blog about! Her solution? Wank to 1 of her previous entries' comments that she didn't delete and found favorable! Here's the translation:

A Beautiful Manhood, cont.

BELOW is pimpin commentz dat came up in todizzle on tha previous entry on some feminist law student ponderin her future. Da lil' biatch, Inez, whoz ass attendz a "Top Ten law school," plans ta have lil pimps but hopes ta spend lil time wit em cuz her ass suspectz her ass aint talented at dat kind of thang. Even though her ass don’t need ta work fo' a living, her ass prefers ta do rather than be swept up tha fuck into some shiznit as passive, cheezy-ass n' feminine as muthahood yo. Her homeboy, her ass says, will drop they offsprin off at school.

I’m postin tha freshly smoked up commentz here cuz they deserve they own entry.

Karen I. writes:

Inez is straight-up lil' n' her ass is still sortin thangs up fo' realz. Actually, her ass isn’t all dat lil', as nuff dem hoes up in previous generations was hooked up wit lil pimps by her age. But, her ass is lil' by todizzle’s standards. By todizzle’s standards, her ass has a decade ta ponder thangs before her ass has a child. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch has time ta git a blingin degree, n' then a time-consumin thang. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch has time ta accumulate marriage proposals, n' turn em down yo. Her braggin bout em be a bit unsavory yo, but her ass can do dat if her ass wishes as well. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch even has time ta git on over ta jointz like Da Thinkin Cribho dat promote a straight-up different lifestyle than tha one Inez is thankin bout, just ta post politely disagreeable thangs.

Of course, Inez could be unlucky, n' time fo' havin babies could run up before her ass be thinkin dat it will. Infertilitizzle can happen fo' nuff reasons at nuff ages, n' just cuz it aint nuthin but inconvenient ta acknowledge dat at 24 do not make it any less true. My fuckin grandmuthas had they last lil pimps up in they 40′s, n' up in mah 20′s, I assumed dat wit dat gang history, I could do tha same. Fortunately, I had lil pimps (though not all tha lil pimps I wanted to) before a life-savin hysterectomy up in mah early 30′s, when nuff of mah peers was still thankin bout maybe havin lil pimps if conditions fo' bustin so was straight-up perfect. Fertilitizzle clinics cook up a shitload of scrilla props ta dem hoes whoz ass put just bout everythang before havin children. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Such clinics also gotz a high failure rate. Inez’s mutha was lucky ta have her at 37 n' her ass gives poor lyrics when her ass says ta wait until tha 30′s ta have children. Booty like Inez would be wise ta do some research on just how tha fuck fast fertilitizzle rates decline up in a biatch’s 30′s.

And this is only some of it! :lol: * sorry if it's a bit off topic :oops: *

[Jessica]

Crazy-ass asses! LOL!

[Gil]

http://www.duggarfamily.com/content/faq ... where_etc_

1. Please tell mah crazy ass how tha fuck yo ass n' Jim Bob kicked it wit n' fell up in ludd. When, where, etc...

Jim Bob attended a pimpin seminar at his wild lil' family’s church up in Junior High. In tha seminar, teenagers was encouraged ta make two blingin commitments: first, dat they wouldn’t date every last muthafuckin muthafucka whoz ass wasn’t a Christian, n' second, dat they wouldn’t date every last muthafuckin muthafucka whoz ass didn’t ludd Jizzy as much as they did. Jim Bob done cooked up both of em commitments—and all up in tha same stupid-ass time, fuckin started prayin fo' tha girl, then unknown, whoz ass would become his ho.

Michelle’s gang didn’t go ta church durin her growin up muthafuckin years yo, but one evenin while her playa Janet Smizzle spent tha night at her house, they discussed tha end times n' thuglife afta dirtnap. Michelle realized her need fo' Dogg up in her life. Janet invited her ta attend a Michael Gott crusade at her church tha followin evening. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Sittin there all up in tha revival church service, Michelle heard dat her ass could be forgiven fo' everythang her ass had ever done wrong. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch also heard dat Dogg luddz her n' has a special plan fo' her life. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So, all up in tha end of tha steez when tha pastor invited em whoz ass wanted ta give they lives ta Jizzy ta come ta tha front, Michelle jumped up of her seat n' flew down tha aisle ta accept dat invitation. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch rethugz all up in tha age of 15, rappin from her heart, “I’m forgiven, now I gotz a reason fo' living, Jizzy keeps givin n' giving, givin till mah heart overflows!â€

On some month later, Jim Bob went up on Tuesdizzle night church visitation wit a playa named Fred Pearrow. Jim Bob was attendin Shiloh Christian High School n' Fred went ta Springdale Public High School.

Jim Bob n' Fred had three cardz of gangstas ta go see. But no one had answered tha doorbells at em cribs. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So Jim Bob n' Fred prayed bout whoz ass ta visit. Then Fred holla'd, “Hey I know a ho dat just became a Christian, n' her ass be a cheerleader.â€

Jim Bob holla'd, “Let’s go n' peep her!â€

Fred just happened ta know where her ass lived. Jim Bob n' Fred drove ta her house.

That’s how tha fuck Jim Bob Duggar, Fred’s playa, ended up chillin on tha fuckin' down-lowly up in Michelle Ruark’s livin room dat night, bustin almost no impression on Michelle at all yo. Dude was so on tha down-low dat todizzle her ass barely has a memory of her future homeboy even bein there.

Jim Bob, on tha other hand, was straight-up smitten yo. Dude thought Michelle was da most thugged-out dope ho he’d ever seen yo. Dude was even mo' impressed wit Michelle’s desire ta learn mo' bout Dogg. Terribly shy n' still straight-up short (todizzle he’s six feet tall yo, but durin his school days he was probably tha shortest up in his class), Jim Bob let Fred do all tha rappin' while he sat, smilin nervously n' noddin his head.

But while his fuckin lips was silent, his crazy-ass mind was soarin fo' realz. As he n' Fred left dat night, he paused one long second up in Michelle’s doorway, straight-up convinced he’d just kicked it wit tha ho he’d been prayin fo' without knowin whoz ass her ass was. Oh, Dogg, he prayed up in dat doorway, from tha depthz of mah heart, I ask dat Michelle could be mine n' dat I could become her spiritual leader.

A year went by fo' realz. A year, muthafucka! Throughout dat time, Jim Bob kept prayin fo' Michelle, fo' they future together n' fo' Dogg’s guidizzle.

But did he call her, biatch? No.

Did he go back ta her crib wit Fred fo' another visit, biatch? No.

Occasionizzlely he spotted her from a distizzle when her ass hit up they church wit one of her playaz yo, but he was too shy ta say anythang.

Then, cuz his wild lil' gang needed some extra income his crazy-ass mutha took a thang managin a frozen-yogurt shop. One dizzle when Jim Bob picked up his crazy-ass mom afta work, her ass mentioned dat a ho named Michelle Ruark had applied fo' a thang. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch axed if Jim Bob knew her muthafuckin ass.

“Yes, I know her,†Jim Bob busted some lyrics ta his crazy-ass mom. “And yo ass need ta hire her!â€

Michelle started hittin dat shizzle all up in tha yogurt shop, n' occasionizzlely Jim Bob came by ta pick up his crazy-ass mom and help wit a repair thang all up in tha shop. Eventually he gotz up enough courage ta overcome his shynizz n' ask Michelle fo' a date yo. Dude was so straight-up trippin n' so shy he could barely git tha lyrics out. But when he finally did, her ass holla'd yes.

They went ta tha junior-ballin' banquet at Jim Bob’s lil' small-ass Christian school fo' realz. Although Michelle had gone up wit other boys, dis was her first “car date.†Jim Bob picked her up up in his wild lil' family’s lil Mazda GLC. Neither of em ate much all up in tha banquet, n' they conversation there was polite but limited ta chitchat. On tha way home, Jim Bob let Michelle drive. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Biatch was just peepin' ta drive a stick shift, n' he busted some lyrics ta her tha Mazda was so oldschool n' beat up it wouldn’t hurt if her ass had a fender-bender n' added a few mo' dents. Da real reason, he admitted later, was so he could cover her hand wit his when her ass needed help shifting.

They drove ta Michelle’s house—and talked fo' four hours fo' realz. A lot of they conversation focused on they faith. Jim Bob shared a principle he’d hustled up in tha pimpin seminar, bout tha relationshizzle triangle that’s formed when a pimp n' ho set they heartz on Dogg. Dogg bein all up in tha top of tha triangle, then tha closer each one moves toward Dogg, tha closer tha pimp n' ho move toward each other.

Michelle luddd what tha fuck her ass was hearing. That night, two heartz was knit together.

Afta Jim Bob left, Michelle stood up in tha doorway of her family’s home, watchin his ass leave. Not knowin dat Jim Bob had paused up in prayer up in dat same stupid-ass doorway a year earlier, Michelle stood up in tha same stupid-ass spot n' prayed, Lord, if dis isn’t tha one yo ass have fo' me, I can’t imagine every last muthafuckin muthafucka better.

[Witsec7]

I literally have tears running down my face. :lol:

[Sunnichick31]

I hereby declare that all fundie blogs must be translated.

Kidist translated (because we all know how much she would love to be translated!)

I don't wanna rizla on tha Macyz Thanksgivin Parade.

I watched tha sheezy on TV, mostly ta peep tha exuberant list of muthafuckas n' parade floatz fo' realz. And, even up in dis time of a chizzled America, why not give props fo' what tha fuck there is, n' take em phat thangs n' build on em fo' a freshly smoked up America.

But, here is mah rizla shower:

- Da moronic Matt Lauer from NBC, whoz ass hostz tha show, introduced a ghettofab Gershwin tune "S'Wonderful" (Itz Wonderful) n' pronounced it "Es Wonderful" as up in tha letta "S." What could "S Wonderful" possibly mean, biatch? Has he never heard tha song, biatch? Quite likely he aint muthafuckin up in dis culturally degraded America.

- George n' Ira Gershwinz cold lil' woo wop "Lady be Dope" from they musical "Ill Work if Yo Ass Can Git it" was performed by a "mixed" cast of whites n' blacks. This was highly unlikely ta have happened up in 1924, when tha musical was set. It might not have been as irritatin if tha cast wasn't bustin 1924 threadz. If they is goin ta "mix it up" why not at least give tha muthafuckas contemporary threadz?

- Why is Mexicans up in a American Thanksgivin parade, biatch? Perhaps, wit a bit of a stretch, Mexican-Americans might have had a place yo, but the crew up in tha parade came from Veracruz, Mexico, n' was up in full natizzle costume.

- Why be a "Natizzle American" crew up in tha parade, biatch? And wit a cold lil' woo wop by Natizzle American artist Thirza Defoe rappin "Da Tree of Life."

Still, despite dis multi-culti focus, tha majoritizzle of tha crowed was white. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So was is all tha others not present all up in tha parade (blacks, Hispanics, Asians) up in da crib givin props, biatch? I doubt dat shit.

[Sister Mozz]

You've got to check out Vision Forum! Let's just say that the header reads: Discipleshizzle & Ejaculation fo' Christian Families

[gardenvarietycitizen]

Delightin up in Jizzy,

Sarah

Somehow that just takes the cake. Or the fruit pizza. Whatever, that should be their new signoff from now on!! :lol:

[theologygeek]

Oh my God I can't breathe. LOL!!!

[Deleted07]

I so love this!!!!!!!!!

Especially the Jim-Bob pimpin seminar! :lol: Not far from the truth!!!

[theologygeek]

"Michelle’s gang didn’t go ta church durin her growin up muthafuckin years yo"

I need oxygen now. LOL

[Anxious Girl]

http://www.duggarfamily.com/content/faq/29564/1_please_tell_me_how_you_and_jim_bob_met_and_fell_in_love_when_where_etc_

:D :lol: :lol: :?: :D :clap: :clap: :clap:

[Deleted07]

OMG this makes their tripe sound so much more epic! I'm loving this!

Kristi - Thimble Thoughts

Our thugged-out asses had our Ladies Thanksgivin Fellowshizzle last week. Our theme was A Thankful Biatch Armed & Dangerous. It was such a blessin ta hear tha other ladies stand n' drop a rhyme tha phat thangs dat tha Lord had done fo' em dis year. Especially since our crazy-ass asses was all bummed up afta tha erection. LOL But our crazy-ass asses all seemed ta leave wit aiiight heartz n' a lighta step.

------

Can yo ass believe dat Thanksgivin is NEXT WEEK??? I 'bout flipped when I realized it had sneaked up on our asses so doggystyle.

But I've done cooked up mah hustlin list n' when I git everythang I need dis weekend, I be bout ta be set n' locked n loaded ta go! Our thugged-out asses bout ta be spendin tha holidizzle wit a shitload of gang n' I be lookin forward ta tha time our crazy-ass asses will share together n' tha memories our crazy-ass asses is ghon be bustin.

I always have Thanksgivin dinna here at our crib fo' our lil gang of five on Tuesdizzle before Thanksgiving. So we'll be celebratin twice next week. I always smoke up dat day. I know tha time will come when mah lil pimps is ghon be scattered wit they own crews n' they may and may not git ta come all all up in tha same stupid-ass time. So I wanna give em special memories now n' HOPE dat we'll share nuff mo' Thanksgivin dinners together wit em n' they crews.

[Sister Mozz]

The Botkins have never made more sense! Here's an excerp from their recent book on relationships, with my apologies for the crazy symbols, as that's the way it translated:

Cheezy-Ass Puritizzle Rehit up

We’re straight-up grateful fo' tha groundwork dat has been laid by tha Cheezy-Ass Puritizzle advocates, gangstas whoz ass first fuckin started ta seriously address tha problem of handin up bitz of our heart wit reckless abandon. We, fo' two, needed ta hear bout tha concept of guardin our hearts, keepin our emotions under control, n' bein faithful ta our future homeboys up in thought n' deed. But our crazy-ass asses believe dis foundation needz a lil mo' built onto dat shit. For many, tha concept raised mo' thangs than it answered.

As one ho wrote ta us: “My fuckin playa + i hav both decided dat wee r neva goin 2 d8 + our crazy-ass asses want our 1st kiss 2 b on our weddings. …[but] i was tellin sum of mah playaz @ school bout tha decisions ive done cooked up n' another question came up, is it wrong ta gotz a crush on a guy, biatch? mah playa says dat yo ass can’t control whether u gotz a crush on sum1 and not n' im not 100 % shizzle how tha fuck 2 answer dat shit. Can u guys help?â€

Once tha idea of cheezy-ass puritizzle is introduced, tha thangs breed like rabbits. “Can yo ass keep from havin crushes?†“Is it wrong ta gotz a crush?†“When is it technically a crush, anyway?†“Whatever it is, is it a sin?†“Will they come back ta bite mah crazy ass later?†“Will each crush dat I’ve had make mah crazy ass ludd mah future homeboy less?†“Do I need ta go find n' marry tha straight-up original gangsta pimp dat I ever liked?†“Did tha crushes I had when I was two count against mah cheezy-ass puritizzle, and do they only start ta count at age 13, biatch? Is there a crushin age of accountabilitizzle?†“I’ve given away mah heart all kindsa muthafuckin times â€" is it too late fo' mah crazy ass ta even care?â€

To em on tha outside, these sortz of thangs might sound like silly wranglings over definitions ta peep what tha fuck our crazy-ass asses can git away with, and tha slick ten up in female ditziness. But these thangs is muthafuckin legitimate, n' tha confusion a big-ass deal, cuz all up in tha heart of it, we’re rappin' bout our moral responsibilities. When our crazy-ass asses don’t understand our actual moral responsibilitizzles up in dis area, our crazy-ass asses can feel ridden wit guilt over thangs dat aren’t muthafuckin wrong, n' straight-up unpricked by thangs dat are. Our thugged-out asses can gotz a fatalistic “It’s too late ta guard mah heart cuz I’ve already botched thangs so badly†attitude towardz bustin muthafuckin right up in tha future fo' realz. And our crazy-ass asses can pimp a unbiblical fear of bustin tha thangs our crazy-ass asses is muthafuckin commanded ta do.

Our thugged-out asses torture ourselves over quandaries like, “At exactly what tha fuck point up in mah thought process did mah favorable thoughtz towardz a lil' playa turn tha fuck into sin, biatch? Did I cross tha line when I started namin our imaginary future children, biatch? …or was it back when I was wonderin what tha fuck color tha bridesmaids’ shoes should be, biatch? How tha fuck bout when I first admired what tha fuck a servant’s heart he has?â€

[emmyfair]

I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard... :D

[Gil]

2 yo. How tha fuck did yo ass come ta tha decision ta have such a big-ass family, biatch? Is yo ass n' Jim Bob from big-ass crews yourselves, biatch? Is each of yo' crews supportizzle n' involved up in yo' lives wit yo' children?

Jim Bob has one olda sista dat is three muthafuckin years olda than his muthafuckin ass. Michelle is tha baby of seven children.

When our crazy-ass asses first gotz hooked up our crazy-ass asses thought our crazy-ass asses would have maybe two and three children. Michelle started off our marriage takin tha Birth control pill so our crazy-ass asses could plan when our crazy-ass asses wanted lil pimps fo' realz. Afta three years, Michelle went off tha chronic n' our crazy-ass asses had our first lil hustla Josh. Our thugged-out asses luddd bein Josh’s muthafathas n' gettin ta spend all our time wit his ass yo, but our crazy-ass asses didn’t think our crazy-ass asses was locked n loaded fo' mo' lil pimps yet. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. So Michelle went back on birth control pizzlez afta Josh was born.

Then tha unexpected happened, followed by tha unthinkable: Michelle gotz pregnant, even though her ass was still takin birth control pizzles. Our thugged-out asses thought dat was impossible yo, but our crazy-ass asses was surprised ta smoke up different, muthafucka! Between her second n' third month, Michelle miscarried. When tha doctor busted some lyrics ta our asses tha miscarriage probably happened cuz her ass had conceived while still on tha pill, our crazy-ass asses was devastated. To us, it meant dat some shiznit our crazy-ass asses had chosen ta do—use tha pill—had caused tha end of tha pregnancy.

As conservatizzle Christians, our crazy-ass asses believe every last muthafuckin thuglife is sacred, even tha thuglife of tha unborn. Cuz of our lack of knowledge, our crazy-ass asses destroyed tha precious thuglife of our unborn child. Our thugged-out asses prayed n' studied tha Bizzle n' found a host of references dat busted some lyrics ta our asses Dogg considered lil pimps a gift, a blessing, n' a reward. Yet our crazy-ass asses had considered havin another lil pimp a inconvenience durin dat busy time up in our lives, n' our crazy-ass asses had taken steps ta prevent it from happening.

Our thugged-out asses weren’t shizzle if Michelle could have any mo' lil pimps afta tha miscarriage yo, but our crazy-ass asses was shizzle our crazy-ass asses was goin ta quit rockin tha pill. In fact our crazy-ass asses agreed our crazy-ass asses would quit rockin any form of birth control n' let Dogg decizzle how tha fuck nuff lil pimps our crazy-ass asses would have. Just a couple months later, Michelle became pregnant wit twins fo' realz. A double blessing!

At first our crews had a shitload of concerns fo' Michelle’s game n' how tha fuck would our crazy-ass asses be able ta take care of n' support our family. But over tha muthafuckin years they have warmed up ta tha idea n' have been understandin bout our heart commitment ta ludd lil pimps like Dogg luddz children.

conservatizzle christians

i'm crying laughing and my roommate is going to kill me

[Witsec7]

I can't remember the last time I laughed this hard... :D

Last time I laughed this hard was at little Maranatha Agape's going home.

[Deleted07]

This seriously makes reading their blogs so much more entertaining to read!

from Kirk Camerons about page after being Gizoogled -

Who Is Kirk, biatch?

Kirk Cameron be a televizzle n' film hustla n' baller, noted recently fo' his work up in tha best-pimpin documentary Monumental, n' tha inspirationizzle film Fireproof yo. Dude be also known fo' his crazy-ass memorable rolez on ABC’s Growin Pains, tha Left Behind pornos, n' co-host of Da Way of tha Master televizzle series.

Kirk spendz much of his cold-ass time producin freshly smoked up televizzle n' film projectz n' bustin lyrics ta gangstas around tha ghetto, teachin em how tha fuck ta share they faith n' live up a gospel centered marriage n' family.