Why This Pastor Took Over The Budget From Wife

[debrand]

I

had her manage our money and pay our bills and work the budget, etc. And that is fine too. If the wife is better at money management (which she definitely was), I suggest the husband maintain his role as head (and therefore final decision maker) but let her "guide the house" (I Timothy 5:14) when it comes to bill paying and budgeting and such. And if he is better, then get on it, Mister.

Well, she was better. Way better. I was not at all a money manager 16.5 years ago when we got married. So she just stepped up to it and I never bothered to change things. Until now.

Yes, he had her manage the money instead of coming to a decision together. However, at least they were flexible enough in their beliefs to do wath was right for their family. Until now...

Lately I have seen the stress that money management causes my wife. I do not want her to even have to worry about it or stress over it or whatever you want to call what she does when she is looking at the checkbook in one hand and the stack of bills in the other. I saw that it was time for me to step up and give it another try.

This is where conversation should occur between the couple. No one should take sole care of the finances to the point that the other person doesn't know what is going on. If there is something wrong with the finances, they should both discover what is wrong and come up with steps to take care fo the problems. What would not work is for the partner who is bad at finances to take over the budget. I think that would be the opposite solution to solving his wife's concerns

I want my wife to feel about our budget and finances the same way my children feel. Not to even think about it one time, ever. My kids have never asked me if the electric bill is going to get paid on time or if we have enough money for groceries or how much is in our emergency fund. Never asked, probably never thought about it. They just live their lives taking care of what they are responsible for and leave the rest to me. If they ask if we can have something and the answer is "We can't afford it" then they don't ask again and go on their merry way. That is how I want my wife to view our money from now on. I would like to keep her assured that the bills are paid, and give her a budget to work with on groceries and such, and have her not even think anything more about it than that.

What! The man wants his wife to take the place of a child in their relationship. No, conversations, just doing as she is told even though, by his own admission, the finances are not something that he is good at. There is something creepy about putting the person that you have sex with in the position of your child.

So I have been managing our budget since November 12th, a month and a half ago at the time I write this. The mama-san is learning how to handle it - she still looks at the bills and the balance, but she has learned to stop fretting (I think). After all, it has only been a while, so I will give her time to catch on that she doesn't even have to think about it any more

Why does he keep calling his wife, mamasan? What a crappy husband that he doesn't know if she worries or not. He can't just ask because that might encourage an actual conversation with his spouse.

andofasoundmind.blogspot.com/2010/12/new-career.html

[Spider Burps]

That's... special. I often wish my fiance would swoop in and take care of all of the finances, but I think I would worry more if I didn't know what was going on with the budget. Plus, kids don't worry about money because they're KIDS. Your wife is not your child, damn it.

I think the Mama-san thing is possibly from Japanese. San is a respectful term kind of like Mr. or Ms. So you'd call Mr. Tonaka "Tonaka San". I don't know firsthand if that's where they got it from, but it's my best guess!

[treemom]

I don't understand why he thinks she should know and worry. I mean he likes the feeling of knowing where everything is and where they stand financially, wouldn't she?

[BlackHawk]

The Partner does the finances for our household... it's what works for us personally. However, I know all the passwords, keep up with the bills (though I don't have to pay them) and can tweak the budget accordingly as long as we don't go over the money we have. The Partner is better at math... much much much better, as he uses it every day... and I do not.

However, it's creepy, the way this guy talks, about not wanting his wife to have any say so or any knowledge.. .and that he's giving her time to adjust... that's just weird to me. You are married... she is not your child... and even if you believe in the crap of separate but equal... putting her in the money situation down on the level of the children is not equal. So even by your own doctrine, you are failing.

[Tee-Tee]

One of the (myriad) of reasons my marriage did not succeed (after much work) was that he refused to share financial information with me. When he began to change the passwords on the on-line accounts (which were joint) or discuss emergency funds, 401Ks...basically engaged in grown-up money talk and refuse me access to money of which my future, too, was connected, it was a big warning sign, to say the least. (And yes, I had my own account, but his decisions still influenced my future as well!)

I feel so sorry for this woman--to be treated as a child in her own relationship--that man never thinking that perhaps the money he brought in was insufficient to properly support his family--that it must be HER wreaking havoc on their budget...

[Future Teacher]

From the post all I got was the husband was basically saying, "Aw now don't you worry your pretty little head about it!" Which.....wouldn't suprise me in the slightest.

[CanadianHippie]

I think the Mama-san thing is possibly from Japanese. San is a respectful term kind of like Mr. or Ms. So you'd call Mr. Tonaka "Tonaka San". I don't know firsthand if that's where they got it from, but it's my best guess!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mamasan

It's use to refer to a woman who runs a geisha house or bar in Japan, a woman who manages the prostitutes in a bar or brothel in Thailand, or a woman who manages staff in an Asian massage parlor in the US. And it is not considered a polite way to address ones mother in Japan. So either he hasn't done is homework or his wife is either running a bar, a brothel, or she's a masseuse.

[Peas n carrots]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mamasan

It's use to refer to a woman who runs a geisha house or bar in Japan, a woman who manages the prostitutes in a bar or brothel in Thailand, or a woman who manages staff in an Asian massage parlor in the US. And it is not considered a polite way to address ones mother in Japan. So either he hasn't done is homework or his wife is either running a bar, a brothel, or she's a masseuse.

I think he watched Karate Kid once and thought it sounded cool.

[Eoywin]

My husband does the bills in our house, but that's because I'm bad with money *L* But he didn't just decide to do the bills, it came about from a conversation back when we first started living (in sin :twisted:).

But just because I don't actually write the checks doesn't mean that I don't worry about money when things are short. I surely don't think any adult partner should not know at least an idea where the household's finances are at.

[amydamy]

I like knowing at any given moment how much cash is tucked away in my safety deposit box, where it cannot be spent in a moment of weakness but has to be deliberately removed, only during bank hours. (Total transparency moment in the safety deposit box: Cuba trip fund from sale of Bibles; a few cash gifts designated for specific purposes; a small amount to start back up our emergency fund after it was recently wiped out). Even in the safety deposit box all this money is tracked on the outside of bank envelopes in hand-written spreadsheets. And I like it that way.

Why would you keep your emergency fund or savings in a safety deposit box. That makes no sense, to me it sounds like that was the cash he was hiding from his wife when she handled the finances. I keep my savings in a savings account where I earn interest not in a safety deposit box I have to pay for.

[Spider Burps]

I think he watched Karate Kid once and thought it sounded cool.

I stand corrected! I'd only ever heard it in the politest sense of the term when I was taking Japanese in school. :oops:

[ellerigby]

:angry-cussing: :angry-cussing: :angry-cussing:

I find it very, very disturbing that he likens his wife to one of his children. I know that a lot of fundie men seem to do this, but rarely have i seen one be so explicit (isn't it supposed to be God -> Husband -> Wife -> Children anyway??). And of course he just "decided" that she couldn't handle the money anymore, this wasn't a discussion. He probably just hated the idea that she had any power over anything in their household and decided to take it away.

My husband handles a lot of the mechanics of our money, but we make all the decisions together and I could easily take over if he couldn't. He's just really good at it and actually LIKES to do it- he researches EVERYTHING, while I've always taken the laziest path. For example, we got married last spring and are filing our taxes together. He's taken a ton of time to itemize our deductions (which he does for himself every year) and has managed to get us a pretty sweet refund. I, on the other hand, hate dealing with money and have always filed my taxes by using Turbo Tax for 5 minutes. :whistle:

[Ruby]

This is where conversation should occur between the couple. No one should take sole care of the finances to the point that the other person doesn't know what is going on. If there is something wrong with the finances, they should both discover what is wrong and come up with steps to take care fo the problems. What would not work is for the partner who is bad at finances to take over the budget. I think that would be the opposite solution to solving his wife's concerns

My ex-husband and I had this discussion all. the. time. I was good at handling the money (getting bills paid on time, allocating for larger purchases, staying within budget, etc). The ex, not so much. He was content to let me manage it all for years and years, then started to feel resentful that I would "never let him have anything." We lived paycheck to paycheck for the entire duration of our marriage ~ almost 20 years. When we overdrafted, it was because he made some huge purchase without even knowing what the balance was. However, he informed me that if he had control of the money, that would never happen.

When we finally split up, he overdrafted all the damn time. Predictable when someone has no discipline or self-control.

As far as it being a control thing, I never wanted sole responsibility for the budget. I wanted us to handle it together, so we'd both always know where we were at. Like a team, you know? He maintained it was impossible for two people to manage a budget together, but was never able to explain his logic so it made any sense to me.

[browngrl]

Typical fundie. Infantalize the "little woman". Control the money. AND think that God is patting you on the back for doing this.

edited to stay on topic

[CanadianHippie]

I stand corrected! I'd only ever heard it in the politest sense of the term when I was taking Japanese in school. :oops:

Polite is okaasan.

[reds]

I do the bills but i would rather not. I dont feel i am good at it but he, my headship, doesnt want the responsibility.

As for the kids. I dont feel that it is right to keep kids out of the talks of finances. I prefer to include them so that they know where the money is going and why they can't have something or do something. It seems to me that they will be more responsible if I let them know that when the paycheck comes in then the mortgage, loans, heating, electric and gas bill comes out first. The the food and finally the fun. If there is none left for the fun or if we are saving for something special, i want them to know about it.

My daughter always asks alot about how much is in "her" bank account. (College)