What Do You Think Of This Pearl Article?

[debrand]

This is by Shalom Brand and I notice that she uses methods other then spanking. Although that is certainly an improvement over beating children with plumbing lines, I don't think that its good to teach a child to not express anger. Even though, admittedly, she is teaching her child in a way that obviously entertains the child, I still think that kids should learn that it is alright to express emotions like anger or disappointment.

I also wonder if the Pearls are trying to present a more gentle side to their training

Laila was becoming more and more frustrated and it has led to her being angry. Her frustration was due to Gracie teasing her, or me being busy and not responding to her right away. She became conditioned to getting attention by whining, crying, or getting mad. Then I would react and she would get in trouble for the whining or for being mad. It just made her madder.

Overtime I could see that her response had become a habit that we had created. The first step was to take away things that were frustrating her, at least as much as we could. I talked to Gracie (big sister) about the problem and we agreed to do all we could to help Laila.

The second step was to figure out how to break the angry response that she had learned to use to get attention. I knew that spanking her and other types of discipline would not be productive. I asked God for wisdom to help my little girl to learn to control her emotional reactions of anger. The next time Laila got angry I set her on the couch and told her that anger was a bad thing. I explained that anger made little girls not be sweet and that anger wanted to hurt her and be mean to her. I told her that Mama wanted to get that anger and throw it in the garbage where it belonged, so that it could not hurt my sweet girl anymore. I told Laila that we could tickle it out of her, or kiss it out, or spank it out, depending on how much anger was there. The whole concept caught her imagination. She told me that she thought we should tickle it out of her. I agreed. She was smiling and I was laughing by the time I started tickling while chanting, “Anger, Anger, go away, do not come back to hurt Laila any day, you mean old ugly anger.â€

Gracie knew I had been thinking about what to do about Laila’s anger so when she walked in she quickly followed my lead by running to hide in the closet. I asked Laila, “Where do you think the anger is? Do you have anger still in your heart?â€

“No,†she said, “it is in the closet.†So I grabbed my switch and off to the closet we ran. Out jumped Gracie, screaming like she was angry. I proceeded to chase her through the house with Laila right behind me. We chanted, “Let’s get that anger and throw it away.†We caught Gracie and tickled her to the ground. It was all great fun.

The next day Laila shut her finger in the door. She ran to the couch and sat down with her arms crossed like she was mad. To my shame I was cooking and not paying attention again. She looked up and said, “Mama I think you need to spank the anger that is in my heart and make it run away.†She was so sincere, it was so cute. I stopped cooking and asked her, “Do you have anger in your heart?â€

She said, “Yes.â€

I grinned at her as I said, “Then I will kiss it out of you.†I started kissing and hugging her and she started laughing while trying to talk, “My anger is gone. I think it jumped into the garbage can.â€

We have been chasing and kissing and tickling and even at times when the anger is really awful and it will not run away I have to spank it out. Now, three weeks later, there is less and less anger and she tells me that anger cannot hurt her anymore. Some days when I see frustration begin to build in her I catch her in my arms and spin in circles while saying, “Go away anger and leave my little girl alone.†She knows my heart is to bless her and make her life better, so she responses to that caring call. There have been several times now that I have seen an angry response coming and told her, “Remember, anger wants to hurt you; do not let it grab you. Ask Mama for help and push that anger away.†Over and over I have seen her gain control of her negative emotions. She is learning self control. This training will follow her all her life. She will be healthier, happier and a greater blessing to others for learning self control

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[debrand]

http://www.nogreaterjoy.org/articles/ge ... e-garbage/

I didn't break the link because it is to the Pearls' magazine not their blog

[Olivia]

I think it's sick to teach girls anger is wrong. No one teaches boys anger is wrong; as a society, we teach them not to cry, and girls not to get angry. I think both responses are wrong. We should teach kids to manage their emotional responses, but banning any emotion -- unhealthy.

She's setting up her little girl to be submissive and unable to stand up for herself, rather than teaching her to manage her anger, no matter how gently she's doing so.

[Koala]

I think it is twisted beyond belief. Those kids will be walking zombies by the time she's done with them. Children raised in these strict fundamentalist environments can't have anything....even their own feelings.

And the mother feels "bad" that she was cooking dinner instead of paying attention to her daughter? Umm, who is supposed to feed these kids. We as mothers HAVE to cook and clean, and do a million other little things to keep our families going. Fathers too. I don't think it's healthy to "police" your children 24/7. It makes for mothers like Kendal.

[debrand]

She also doesn't mention how she responded to Gracie teasing her little sister? Did she at least talk to the older girl? Why isn't Laila allowed to be angery when she is teased?

[Hane]

Hmmmmm, I don't know.

Putting aside the blatant sexism in the article, I think this technique might be helpful, to an extent, with a rage-a-holic or moody child. Some kids--and adults--perseverate on their bad moods. I would explain not that anger is bad, but acting out in unkind and destructive ways can be. The silly game about chasing the anger and throwing it in the garbage could help defuse cranky moods.

Again, this would not work on every child, but I think a version of it might help some kids.

A little OT: Wayyyy back in the '70s or '80s, I happened to catch a glimpse of The 700 Club (a fundie-lite talk show). The guest was a child psychologist who was talking about helping kids express and deal with anger in constructive ways. The host obviously wasn't getting it, and was trying to finagle her into saying anger in kids was wrong and sinful, but she kept pretending not to catch his drift, and kept on point. I sat there thinking, "Doesn't this twit know that it's normal and natural for kids to get mad--it's just up to adults to teach them how to deal with it!"

[Kaylee]

I think it's good that they are posting articles encouraging parents to deal with some things in ways other than immediately resorting to spanking, but that's about it.

I really dislike the whole thing of teaching her that anger is bad and shouldn't be expressed. It seems like women get this message from birth all the way up to adulthood and it creates so many problems. The advice I like for dealing with anger, frustration, etc with a very young child is to talk and help them find ways to express their feelings. I think the idea of chasing the anger or tossing it in the trash can could be a good way to divert them from throwing a tantrum or expressing it destructively, but I would still "name and claim the feeling", it "I bet your angry because ____. Now what can we do to get rid of that anger without hurting anybody/thing?". (In an ideal world, of course, and keeping in mind my young'un is not even 2 yet).

I also think it's sad that the daughter was hurt yet came to her mom and told her the anger needed to be spanked out. It seems like people who advocate spanking always have these stories of children asking for a spanking and/or thanking the parent for it, and both of those just really bother me.

[clarinetpower]

Yeah, I'm mixed on this. The first bit of her article makes it seem like she never wants the kid to ever have anger, which I think is wrong.

BUT, I have a 4 year old. And she has no idea when anger is appropriate, and when it's not. Sometimes we have to work on appropriate responses to stimuli. We've tried the Buddhist way (be with your anger, observe it, watch it dissipate) but she's a bit young to really grasp that concept, so the one this lady uses is much more age appropriate. (How many times can I use that word in one post?) But, of course, we would discuss the reasons she was angry first, and whether or not there was another way to handle the situation.

But I like the tickling it out idea. :)

[thoughtful]

Mixed feelings here, too.

She caught on that this might have been one of those "bad attention is better than no attention at all" situations. The focus on cheering up, handling things with humor and kindness is nice.

But "punishing" and "chasing" anger comes right back to the idea that bad things need to be hit or pushed away, though. Especially with part of the story involving a person (who was the source of recent anger) playing the part of anger, and being chased with a switch!

And I hate the idea of telling kids that any of their feelings are automatically bad. Anger, joy, silliness -- whatever you feel, you feel.

And I agree that the source of justified anger should be dealt with.

As someone who had a temper as a child, and has worked with lots of different kids, I think that the "let's jolly you out of it" routine has its limits. It works well for some kids in some situations.

But I can remember situations in which I was offended by my anger not being taken seriously, or annoyed at a dolt of an adult trying that bit.

And I've known lots of kids who did much better with someone respecting the fact that they had a right to be angry. I recognized the "don't try to charm me, I'm upset" look on many a child who was being "distracted" by some other adult, when they wanted to be heard.

[LynnKaboom]

I think it's sick to teach girls anger is wrong. No one teaches boys anger is wrong; as a society, we teach them not to cry, and girls not to get angry. I think both responses are wrong. We should teach kids to manage their emotional responses, but banning any emotion -- unhealthy.

She's setting up her little girl to be submissive and unable to stand up for herself, rather than teaching her to manage her anger, no matter how gently she's doing so.

Maybe it's the time I grew up in, but in recent years, yeah, boys have been taught that anger is wrong. After Columbine and Virginia Tech, it seems very common to see that guys are being taught that if they get angry they're going to go berserk. I was a first-year in high school when the shooting at Tech happened, and I remember my history teacher spending an entire 1.5 hour class period lecturing all the boys in our classroom that they shouldn't get angry because it would consume them and they might be compelled to do something similar. She literally directed her speech at the boys, referring to them specially.

I'm not sure if this is a new phenomenon exclusive to my generation, or if it was older, but I wouldn't say that no one teaches boys anger is wrong.

[emmiedahl]

Why can't she teach the daughter to use her words? When similar situations happen in my home, I ask the victim, "Did you tell her that you don't like that?" And then I tell the aggressor, "You did X and it hurt her feelings. How are you going to make that better?"

Children have a right to demand good treatment and to be angry when they are treated poorly. They have a right to a resolution. It's good for the older child to understand as well that their younger siblings have feelings and rights, and that if they hurt someone they need to make up for it.

I read this article and thought about posting about it, so I am glad someone else did.

[Olivia]

Maybe it's the time I grew up in, but in recent years, yeah, boys have been taught that anger is wrong. After Columbine and Virginia Tech, it seems very common to see that guys are being taught that if they get angry they're going to go berserk. I was a first-year in high school when the shooting at Tech happened, and I remember my history teacher spending an entire 1.5 hour class period lecturing all the boys in our classroom that they shouldn't get angry because it would consume them and they might be compelled to do something similar. She literally directed her speech at the boys, referring to them specially.

I'm not sure if this is a new phenomenon exclusive to my generation, or if it was older, but I wouldn't say that no one teaches boys anger is wrong.

Wow, that's crazy. And also, incredibly not helpful. That history teacher, IMO, was also wrong. Big difference between anger and homicidal rage.