If it were your sister...

[bananacat]

This is actually very similar to something that happened in my own life, only it was my mom marrying my dad and there wasn't as much religion involved (although it definitely played a part). My dad was in jail for insurance fraud instead of abusing a previous girlfriend, but he did have a history of abuse. And their out-of-wedlock pregnancy didn't miscarry; my mom went on to have my older brother. But anyway, my dad did turn out to be abusive and it took my mom a long time to leave, partly because she had kids and believed it was better for us if she stayed no matter what, and partly because my dad was "only" psychologically abusive and she didn't even realize it was abuse because her previous boyfriend and her parents had hit her (This is why I hate it when people insist that spanking isn't necessarily abusive. Even if you do it "right", it sets up what that person sees as normal and makes it harder for them recognize genuine abuse.)

So anyway, this is a pretty clear-cut example of abuse. And abuse is absolutely NOT just about hitting. It always involves some kind of manipulation and psychological control. That's why it's so hard for victims to leave their abusers. The only way you can really help someone is to continuously offer your support, inject some reality as often as possible, and be there for them without ever judging them for not leaving sooner. If he is telling her she's stupid and can't do anything right, then telling her that she was foolish to get involved with him will not make her want to reach out to you. But when you make the effort, you should realize that it makes more difference than you can imagine. My mom started to think about leaving my dad when I was 13 and mentioned in some off-hand way that she's not stupid and that she had accomplished some pretty amazing things (keeping the same job for over 30 years). And she started to realize that she wasn't as worthless as my dad had been telling her. Of course abusers like to isolate their victims exactly to prevent this kind of thing, so you have to try not to be too threatening to the abuser.

What you should do is tell her all the things you admire about her, but this has to be sincere. Also try to work in reminders that her husband's behavior is not universal. Whenever he does something you disapprove of, tell her in a non-judgmental way that your husband, father, brother, or male friend doesn't do that same thing. Tell her that you'll always be there for her, and mean it. And be patient. Even if you plant the seeds, it could take years or decades for her to really get the courage to leave. It is not easy and this man will make it as hard as possible. But you can't give up on her. In the meantime, you should covertly document the date and type of anything he does wrong, so you'll have a record of it for later.

[Sinister Rouge]

Thank you all for your advice and personal stories. I apologise for my avatar, I've removed it.

What a mess. Thank you for your positive energy and suggestions - I am getting some perspective and some guidance from reading your posts.

[Effie]

Can't you make an appointment for her to go and see a counsellor? Tell her that it would make you happy if she went, and that you think she should talk things through before she makes a life-changing decision.

She swore he never abuses her, despite the fact that we've seen her covered in bruises and bite marks...

But she doesn't deny anymore that he has been abusing another woman? So how does she justify his actions?

Does she think that the other woman was bad and therefore deserved the bad treatment she got? Then what would violence solve?

Considering the woman contacted you, I think that proves she is not a bad person. She cares.

So, this man has abused someone who is most likely a good person. Sooo why does your sister think he is not capable of abusing her? Because she is... different? She is good?

[penguinagogo]

Oh you poor thing and doubly so for your sister

Its awful to see someone you love walking blindfold into disaster

And I should know because my first relationship was like this, a man who was a classic emotional abuser, and guilt, mindgames, and gradual erosion of my personal boundaries were a daily thing, and it was just escalating into physical/sexual violence when I got my head together and got out. Oddly enough, the things that kept me going were my own sister and one very good friend who just wouldnt let me go and made the effort to keep in touch while I was being manipulated out of contact, who were always there and though they made their feelings clear to me would just state their case and reiterate - but its your life.

The little bits of truth they told me, the barbs they were able to plant would fester, Id think about what they had said when I could, without the pressure of an argument or need to justify (to them or him) and I could often see the truth. (Then I would have to do mental gymnastics to accept what was going on and make my boyfriend the good guy and it became more and more threadbare) The other thing that got me out was my own confidence - I had a role which I was very good at, and intellectual pursuits that I was successful in, had plans for and would not give up in the teeth of his opposition. And one day he made the mistake of challenging me on a (scientific) subject I was very well informed about, and also felt extremely strongly over: and it was like the scales fell from my eyes and I saw him for what he was - a weak, pseudointellectual bullying little Walter Mitty who had picked an argument not about the issue (he knew nothing more than a veneer about it): it was about me, it was about the act of the argument, to get me to doubt myself and doubt my reality and confidence, so he could define me as weak and crazy and over emotional again.

This is probably too much personal stuff but I really respect you for trying to help your sister. From my experience try and keep engaged with her, keep time for her (even if, as my sister has later told me, you want to shake her til her eyes roll and shout 'hes an a**hole') Dont engage with him, dont play his games, try and get your sister alone time with you and make that her refuge where she can think and be herself, because the rest of her life is being jerked about on a chain by him emotionally. Try and keep her confidence up - reinforce what shes good at, skills or hobbies etc, what you share. He will try and define her: emotionally, personally, it may seem cute at first to her but its a means of control. She will be spending the rest of her life on tenderhooks, everything centred on him and such emotional abusers are very good at setting up mind games that occupy you and stop you thinking about the situation clearly because you are too busy reacting to them and placating them/taking care of them/making them the centre of your world. She probably seems utterly illogical to you but its almost impossible to step off the rollercoaster and think about the ride when youre being jerked about like that.

Id try and get hold of the bible of emotional abuse by St Lundy of Bancroft ('Why does he do that?- inside the minds of angry and controlling men')

http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That- ... 245&sr=8-1

I'll put a substantial bet that if you read it you will find him described on those pages. It might be useful for your sister too when she sees whats happening and tries to get out. I really hope you can get her to see it but it sounds as though shes in the enmeshed stage where she'll shovel sugar on any shit he sells her.

I hope you keep posting and will be looking out for your comments.

[penguinagogo]

btw I am late to the party

what was your avatar?

[luckylibrarian]

Rick Ross has a lot of helpful articles on cultic/abusive relationships on his website. You may find information there that you can show her.

http://www.rickross.com/groups/abusive.html

I agree that with what others have said about not pushing her away. I would be careful how you phrase the criticism. If she has been baptized into this church and planning on marrying this guy in two weeks, it seems really unlikely that she will leave him now. It would be embarrassing and crushing. I think the best thing you can do at this point is say that you are concerned about his past, but that you love her and support her. If I were in your shoes, I would try to appear supportive enough that the guy does not push you out of her life. If she believes that she is totally isolated from her family, that will make leaving nearly impossible when the shit hits the fan. If you are there for her and her future children, then the door to leaving is always open. It may be difficult not to wring this guy's neck, but the more you can stay in her life, the better.

Getting her a secret Tracfone is a good idea.

[clibbyjo]

http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

http://eqi.org/eabuse2.htm

If you google "emotional abuse checklist" or something like that, you might be able to get her to read through it and fill it out honestly.

Otherwise, print out a copy of the police report and give it to your sister and have her read it. With you there, so you knows she reads it. And please stay as involved as you can. I've heard of people doing weekly checkups, like a weekly shopping/restaurant getaway every single Saturday, or at the very least, a phone call. Email is not acceptable because then you can't hear any fear or quivering voices. And say something to the extent of, "I'm worried about you, but I know it's your choice. If you could call once a week at least, so I know you're okay, that would help me feel much better."

But especially try to have some one-on-one time with her on a regular basis away from the creep so she can, whenever she's ready, ask for help to leave the relationship.

And what would happen if your family tries to stall the wedding by offering to help her plan and pay for a nice wedding? That would buy up to a year, and "if he really loves you, he will wait." while you guys try to convince her not to go through with it?

I'm so sorry ((hugs))

Seriously, why won't she believe the police report? I would say "I love you,and I want you to be happy. At anytime you decide he is not making you happy, call me,ANYTIME day or night and I will come get you. Let her know she has a way out at any time.

[readergirl]

Just let her know you are always there and to call anytime day or night if she needs anything. It's a tough situation. My daughter moved back home 3 weeks ago, she left her boyfriend because he was becoming increasingly verbally abusive. Just be there for your sister, that's really all you can do.

[Deesire]

I agree that with what others have said about not pushing her away. I would be careful how you phrase the criticism. If she has been baptized into this church and planning on marrying this guy in two weeks, it seems really unlikely that she will leave him now. It would be embarrassing and crushing.

Even though this may be true, it may also be worthwhile to remind her that she *can* change her mind and she doesn't have to go through the wedding if she doesn't want to, or simply isn't sure.

And what others have said about being there for her one way or the other, whether she does get married or not; that you will always consider her your real family regardless of her marital status, who her husband is or anything else about her life choices.

And finally, maybe also throw in something about believing that she can and will find real love, that her dreams of becoming a wife and mother will come true.

But take all this for what it's worth, coming from an only child...

[Aurora]

SR, I can't really add anything to all the great suggestions on this thread especially from those who have personally experienced abuse. I'm sorry to hear this is happening to your sister, and agree that knowing you are there for her will be all-important.

Have you talked to her about whether they plan to have kids right away?

As a fellow Palin fan I liked your avatar, I think the only problem was the movement :)

[doggie]

what you can't do but want to is to get some guys together and give him the bums rush out of town. Put something in his car to beak his parole and call it in.

Sad but most of anything you can do may make it worse. Love is blind for sure guilt is worse. Not to much worse then watching one you love do something so stupid and you can't really do anything about it.

[Grania]

Just repeating what others said before: You probably can't prevent the wedding but you should stay in touch with her in every possible way. It's so crazy he doesn't allow her a telephone but maybe they get the mail after he goes to work so you could send her letters or cards and assure her again and again that you are here for her.

And, as someone pointed out, praise works better than criticism. My cousin once was in a relationship with a jerk who claimed he could talk with the dead (they met about one month after the best grandfather in the world died) and criticism of her father just made her believe the jerk even more. Eventually her mother and aunt and sisters could convince her without any accusations unfortunately only after she'd given around 5000 Dollars to his sect (don't live in the USA, just converted it for convenience).

But I'm really afraid for your sister. My cousin only lost money (though a shitload for a 19 year old) but she was never beaten (or bitten...seriously, what an ass).

It's really a tough situation. I hope you and your family can find a solution.

[Yo Nurse]

You may have the police report in your hand, but she has an abuser in the house who probably has some plausible sounding rationale for why he was the wronged party in the domestic violence case. Even if the other woman talks to your sister, she still has the abuser probably feeding her all manner of bullshit.

It may be a good idea to try to keep yourself on his good side. You want to be percieved as a non-threatening person to him. Remain supportive of her at all times. This may be a case of keeping your friends close, but your enemies (him) closer.

Does your sister work? "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft is one of the most insightful books I've ever read. If your sister works and he can't get to her work area, you may want to see that she has a copy she can read where he can't learn of it's existence.

[jaelh]

what you can't do but want to is to get some guys together and give him the bums rush out of town. Put something in his car to beak his parole and call it in.

i'm with doggie.

[Sola]

I'm afraid that this may be all I can do. Thing is, he has a tendency to pull her away if/when he senses that we disapprove of or suspect anything. He's cut her off from Facebook, but before that he banned her from talking to any male friends. He's already talking about moving to a town over an hour away from anyone she knows, basically into the heart of his 'colony'. She has no licence, no phone (he takes it to work with him) - it's completely abusive. And she wants love so badly, she wants to be a wife and mom so badly, she's accepting it all. He's even got her parroting such classics as "Well, it's okay if family doesn't make it to the wedding, if they're not part of the congregation than they're not really family anyway."

That is scary because that is almost exactly what happened with my friend. He cut her off from all her friends with the exception of me and the only reason he didn't cut her off from me was because I was nice to his face. He wouldn't allow her to talk to any males and even controlled what she wore and wouldn't let her wear anything he found too revealing. They weren't religious at all so that's the only difference.

Oh gawd, and again a similar thing. My friend would have lots of bruises and scratches like that.

I wish I knew a way for you to get through to her. But her mindset will be that she completely depends upon him, that's what abusers do. Is there any way you could get in touch with his parole officer to express your concerns? Parole officers can revoke parole at the drop of hat and if he is locked back up you would stand more chance of getting through to her.

[jenny_islander]

Keep it open. Keep it open. Keep it open. Tell her that you will always love her and she can contact you anytime for anything because you're cool like that. Best if you don't say this in the same conversation as " this guy is a skeevy creep who is hurting you" so that thoughts of calling you are not coupled with feelings of shame for having been fooled. Because he likely will cut her off from everyone and then escalate the abuse.

[ChickeyMonkey]

Oh gawd, and again a similar thing. My friend would have lots of bruises and scratches like that.

I wish I knew a way for you to get through to her. But her mindset will be that she completely depends upon him, that's what abusers do. Is there any way you could get in touch with his parole officer to express your concerns? Parole officers can revoke parole at the drop of hat and if he is locked back up you would stand more chance of getting through to her.

As sick as this sounds, I'm almost hoping she'll come by covered in bruises so you can take a picture of her an show it to his parole officer. If you could get her to meet with the PO that would be good, too. I don't know anything about parole, though, I'm just going by what I hope would happen: the PO would see your sister and revoke the asshole's parole and send him straight back to prison. I hope to whatever deity is out there that she doesn't get pregnant again. An innocent kid doesn't need that piece of shit as a father.

What happens if she gets pregnant and he beats her and she miscarries? It isn't that far out of the question, is it? She wants to be a wife and mother so badly, what happens when he starts treating their kid(s) the same way he's treating her? Like it wouldn't happen? I hope your sister gets her brains back quickly and cuts all ties with this worthless piece of shit.

[Effie]

As sick as this sounds, I'm almost hoping she'll come by covered in bruises so you can take a picture of her an show it to his parole officer. If you could get her to meet with the PO that would be good, too. I don't know anything about parole, though, I'm just going by what I hope would happen: the PO would see your sister and revoke the asshole's parole and send him straight back to prison. I hope to whatever deity is out there that she doesn't get pregnant again. An innocent kid doesn't need that piece of shit as a father.

She has bruises already... so perhaps you could manage to take a pic of her where the bruises are visible. I think going through the PO is a really great idea.

It's probably hard to reason with her during her lovey dovey stage. Love makes you blind.

Be strong, Sinister Rouge. Don't give up on your sister. Do everything which lies in your power.

[Austin]

I wish I had some words of wisdom beyond what anybody else has said, but I don't. I couldn't keep my own sister from marrying an abusive douchebag in 2004, and she's still with him, even after he abused her daughter (from a previous liaison) and CPS took the child out of the home. She defends him to the hilt, and because of the abuse situation with her daughter and that she sided with her scumbag husband, we are in no contact (until then, I stuck by her as someone she could turn to when the shit hit the fan, but I could not excuse her not protecting her own daughter). She's gone on to have three more children with him, two with disabilities, and she's seems invested for the long haul, whatever that means.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in my experience, there's not much you can do. Try to keep the lines of communication open and hopefully nothing horrible will happen. I'm a pretty formidable person and I've always had a lot of influence in my sister's life prior to her marriage, but I could not convince her not to marry the child-molesting douchebag.

[devilsadvocate]

I agree with the idea of giving her a tracfone and telling her that if she needs help at any time that you'll come get her. Even if he threatens to hurt you if she goes (since that is a common tactic by abusers to scare their victims into staying), let her know that you'll still be there for her (I'm assuming).

This does sound like a pretty classic case of an abuser isolating the victim, so I definitely agree with trying to keep the lines of communication open with your sister so she knows you'll help her.

I also agree with talking to his parole officer if you're able to to at least relay your concerns about the situation. I'm not sure if taking photos of the bruises would do any good if in fact your sister is covering for him at this point, but at least if the parole officer knows that others have concerns he might be more receptive if there is ever a time when he notices that something isn't right or if your sister is ready to ask for help..

[devilsadvocate]

Here are some tips from the Domestic Violence Hotline:

http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/ ... ng-abused/

HOW CAN I HELP A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER WHO IS BEING ABUSED?

Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that you are concerned for their safety. Help your friend or family member recognize the abuse. Tell him or her you see what is going on and that you want to help. Help them recognize that what is happening is not “normal†and that they deserve a healthy, non-violent relationship.

Acknowledge that he or she is in a very difficult and scary situation. Let your friend or family member know that the abuse is not their fault. Reassure him or her that they are not alone and that there is help and support out there.

Be supportive. Listen to your friend or family member. Remember that it may be difficult for him or her to talk about the abuse. Let him or her know that you are available to help whenever they may need it. What they need most is someone who will believe and listen to them.

Be non-judgmental. Respect your friend or family member’s decisions. There are many reasons why victims stay in abusive relationships. He or she may leave and return to the relationship many times. Do not criticize his or her decisions or try to guilt them. He or she will need your support even more during those times.

Encourage him or her to participate in activities outside of the relationship with friends and family.

If he or she ends the relationship, continue to be supportive of them. Even though the relationship was abusive, your friend or family member may still feel sad and lonely once it is over. He or she will need time to mourn the loss of the relationship and will especially need your support at that time.

Help him or her to develop a safety plan.

Encourage him or her to talk to people who can provide help and guidance. Find a local domestic violence agency that provides counseling or support groups. Offer to go with him or her to talk to family and friends. If he or she has to go to the police, court or a lawyer, offer to go along for moral support.

Remember that you cannot “rescue†him or her. Although it is difficult to see someone you care about get hurt, ultimately the person getting hurt has to be the one to decide that they want to do something about it. It’s important for you to support him or her and help them find a way to safety and peace.

If you think your friend or family member may be abusive, click here to find out more.

Please call the 24-hour National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 1-800-787-3224 to discuss your concerns and questions.

[Swamptribe]

I've been through this. Odds are, you can't convince her, because he 'needs' her. Because you just don't understand their 'love'. My sister ended up with brain damage caused by the asshole. Until she realizes that she is in abusive situation (and denial ain't just a river in Egypt) there isn't a damn thing you can do.

[fundifugee]

She has bruises already... so perhaps you could manage to take a pic of her where the bruises are visible. I think going through the PO is a really great idea.

It's probably hard to reason with her during her lovey dovey stage. Love makes you blind.

Be strong, Sinister Rouge. Don't give up on your sister. Do everything which lies in your power.

Maybe the best male friend, or somebody else intimidating, could invite the fella out for coffee, and tell him in no uncertain terms that if he ever hurts her there are folks who care about her who will FIND him, and no matter where he tries to take her they will know where she is. She should know that too, so that she realizes there are folks who value her.

Also, notifying the police and/or his parole officer of your concerns for her, so they are aware to keep an eye out for trouble.

[liltwinstar]

I echo what others have said - stick as close as you can to her, and try to stay on his good side too.

Maybe start saving a bit of money every week/month so that when she calls for help, you have a little nest egg to work with? Either to outright give to her when she needs it, or to pay for a plane ticket or gas or whatever. Just a thought.

I'm sorry you're going through this...good luck!!!