If it were your sister...

[Sinister Rouge]

... Thank you for all your insights.

[Sola]

I'd try and find a way to convince her.

That said it's not easy. I have a friend who was involved with a complete and utter tosser. He was violent, controlling, and treated her like shit. She had very little confidence in herself and he just made that even worse. It took her 4 years to get but she did. It's two years down the line now and she's doing great, her confidence is growing and has a good job.

I think the only thing you can do if she wont listen is be there for her when the shit hits the fan, and it will hit the fan. I tried and tried to explain to my friend that her boyfriend was a loser, there is no way I would ever put up with what she put up with. In the end she had to decide herself that enough was enough. Mind you it still took a restraining order to keep him away. Just be there when she needs you.

[Effie]

Could you explain the parole-thing? You know the real reason, but she doesn't? How come? That's a big deal actually. She should not marry him if he has abused another woman.

I would tell my sister to run... If he is capable of harming someone, then he is no good for my sister or any woman for that matter.

Also it sounds like he is manipulating her into this marriage. So he is both a potential abuser and manipulative... oh and a liar apparently!

How is this wolf towards you? Rude or pretending to be nice? Perhaps you can ask your "future-brother in law" to have a coffee. Just you two. Talk with him about what he wants from your sister... ask him about his true intentions.

[emmiedahl]

It is a difficult situation. I would politely tell her your concerns and then back off. If you are too critical, she won't come to you when this all blows up in her face. You need to stay close enough to be a support and a rescue.

[annalena]

Whoa, your profile pic is distracting.

Sorry.

I would try and tell her, but you can't convince her if she isn't open to other opinions right now, she needs to figure this out herself.

[Effie]

Are verdicts public legal documents over there (including contact info)? Can you get hold of the battered woman's name and contact details? You may be able to contact her in such a case, and perhaps she can help you somehow or talk to your sister... :?:

[Sinister Rouge]

I'd try and find a way to convince her.

That said it's not easy. I have a friend who was involved with a complete and utter tosser. He was violent, controlling, and treated her like shit. She had very little confidence in herself and he just made that even worse. It took her 4 years to get but she did. It's two years down the line now and she's doing great, her confidence is growing and has a good job.

I think the only thing you can do if she wont listen is be there for her when the shit hits the fan, and it will hit the fan. I tried and tried to explain to my friend that her boyfriend was a loser, there is no way I would ever put up with what she put up with. In the end she had to decide herself that enough was enough. Mind you it still took a restraining order to keep him away. Just be there when she needs you.

[CynicMom]

.02: People tend to take compliments to heart more than criticism. So I advise this: tell her that you love her a lot. That you are happy if she is happy and that she deserves someone who loves her and treats her right. Someone with whom she can really be herself and feel loved and relaxed. You can insert comments about yourself like "isn't it wonderful the way you can just laugh and joke with your husband". These are more likely to get her to think than outright criticism.

At the same time, have you considered buying her a secret trakfone? You can tell her that you're sad if you're not invited to the wedding but understand if it makes her happy. You want her to know that you are there for her NO MATTER WHAT and if she calls and says she needs you FOR ANY REASON you will drop everything and come to her aid.

[AnnoDomini]

Oh my. I have no wisdom, but you and your sister and family are in my prayers (or good thoughts, if you'd rather).

[alba]

Red Flag Checklist. Print it off, highlight the ones you think he does, and show it to her.

[PBrooke]

I haven't read the checklist, but I can assert that over ten years ago, when I was in a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship, someone linked me to a similar checklist and it really was an eye-opener, the first step to getting out.

[Effie]

And write this down for her: The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE(7233)

[annalena]

I have to say the checklist seems a bit extreme to me.

"No hobbies but watching TV"?

That did apply to my last boyfriend, and though he was a douche big time, he was not abusive.

There might be (douche) girls who would be completely content with that.

[Effie]

Maybe some helpful links for you:

http://www.wikihow.com/Convince-a-Relat ... ve-Husband

http://www.wikihow.com/Help-Your-Friend ... ing-Abused

http://www.wikihow.com/Convince-Your-Be ... -Boyfriend

Or not... :think:

Edit. to add the following. Can't you ask her to go and see a counsellor? Tell her it would be a great idea for her to do so, before getting married, so that she can be 100 % sure that she is making the right decision. I think she needs to talk things through.

[ladypuglover]

I am so sorry this is happening to your family. All the red flags are showing, aren't they? No advice from me because if she is so gunho about this, then what can you do? Just continue to show your support in her and constantly remind her that you will always be there for her. I am so sorry.

[Wolfie]

I have to say the checklist seems a bit extreme to me.

"No hobbies but watching TV"?

That did apply to my last boyfriend, and though he was a douche big time, he was not abusive.

There might be (douche) girls who would be completely content with that.

I have to agree that there are some things on there that aren't a sign of abuser alone too. (Like the one where they sleep all the time, that could be depression too. Or the TV one, ect....) There are some very good signs on there too. (I'm really worried about a friend of mine who seems to have a manipulating boyfriend. (her divorce isn't final yet, and within a few days of meeting him online, not even in person, he was calling her "just to say goodnight.")

[CanticleoftheTurning]

http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

http://eqi.org/eabuse2.htm

If you google "emotional abuse checklist" or something like that, you might be able to get her to read through it and fill it out honestly.

Otherwise, print out a copy of the police report and give it to your sister and have her read it. With you there, so you knows she reads it. And please stay as involved as you can. I've heard of people doing weekly checkups, like a weekly shopping/restaurant getaway every single Saturday, or at the very least, a phone call. Email is not acceptable because then you can't hear any fear or quivering voices. And say something to the extent of, "I'm worried about you, but I know it's your choice. If you could call once a week at least, so I know you're okay, that would help me feel much better."

But especially try to have some one-on-one time with her on a regular basis away from the creep so she can, whenever she's ready, ask for help to leave the relationship.

And what would happen if your family tries to stall the wedding by offering to help her plan and pay for a nice wedding? That would buy up to a year, and "if he really loves you, he will wait." while you guys try to convince her not to go through with it?

I'm so sorry ((hugs))

[alba]

I have to say the checklist seems a bit extreme to me.

"No hobbies but watching TV"?

That did apply to my last boyfriend, and though he was a douche big time, he was not abusive.

There might be (douche) girls who would be completely content with that.

Yeah, there are a few on there that I didn't think were signs of manipulation or abuse, but I still think it's a good general reference. At the very least it draws attention to potential abuse in relationships.

[LilMissMetaphor]

Whoa, your profile pic is distracting.

That was never five minutes just now!

I'm afraid it was...

[SunnyAndrsn]

Intervention? It sounds extreme and it may backfire, but it's worth a shot.

How about getting the male friends she's no longer allowed contact with involved?

[annalena]

That was never five minutes just now!

I'm afraid it was...

Huh?

[annalena]

I have to agree that there are some things on there that aren't a sign of abuser alone too. (Like the one where they sleep all the time, that could be depression too. Or the TV one, ect....) There are some very good signs on there too. (I'm really worried about a friend of mine who seems to have a manipulating boyfriend. (her divorce isn't final yet, and within a few days of meeting him online, not even in person, he was calling her "just to say goodnight.")

That could be just real feelings though, like having a crush on somone, even though you might just have met them online.

http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php

http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm

http://eqi.org/eabuse2.htm

If you google "emotional abuse checklist" or something like that, you might be able to get her to read through it and fill it out honestly.

Otherwise, print out a copy of the police report and give it to your sister and have her read it. With you there, so you knows she reads it. And please stay as involved as you can. I've heard of people doing weekly checkups, like a weekly shopping/restaurant getaway every single Saturday, or at the very least, a phone call. Email is not acceptable because then you can't hear any fear or quivering voices. And say something to the extent of, "I'm worried about you, but I know it's your choice. If you could call once a week at least, so I know you're okay, that would help me feel much better."

But especially try to have some one-on-one time with her on a regular basis away from the creep so she can, whenever she's ready, ask for help to leave the relationship.

And what would happen if your family tries to stall the wedding by offering to help her plan and pay for a nice wedding? That would buy up to a year, and "if he really loves you, he will wait." while you guys try to convince her not to go through with it?

I'm so sorry ((hugs))

These are all great ideas, but I doubt someone who does not want to see the truth will see the truth.

You can have evidence that could convict a murderer, but people can still be blind if they don't want to see it. Some have to learn it the hard way. For some it takes years, or decades.

Sorry to say that, but it's just what I have learned from experience.

[dawn]

I'm so sorry ... I've no advice to offer. I'm afraid it it were my sister I'd handle things very badly and completely alienate her. CynicMom's advice about complimenting her sounds interesting but I don't think two weeks is long enough for any message to sink in. As much as it hurts, perhaps you should just let her make her own mistakes and let her know you're there for her if and when she needs you.

[alba]

Huh?

Monty Python:

[NurseNell]

Whoa, your profile pic is distracting.

Sorry.

It's very distracting, makes it hard to even read the whole post.