Youth pastor writes about his sinful "affair"

[Firiel]

...with a student. And never acknowledges the fact that he is a sexual predator and she is his victim. It was pride and selfishness that led him down the slippery slope to infidelity rape and sexual assault.

christianitytoday.com/le/2014/june-online-only/my-easy-trip-from-youth-minister-to-felon.html

Wrong thinking leads to sin, and sin leads to more wrong thinking. In the early stages of this extra-marital relationship, I thought that I was seeking approval from someone other than my wife because I was not receiving it from my wife. But me seeking approval and appreciation elsewhere had dramatically impacted how I related to my wife. The unaddressed sin—my selfishness—caused my wife to respond to me differently. I see now that I failed to nurture our marriage properly, but at the time I silently blamed her for driving me away. The "friendship" continued to develop. Talking and texting turned flirtatious. Flirting led to a physical relationship. It was all very slow and gradual, but it was constantly escalating. We were both riddled with guilt and tried to end things, but the allure of sin was strong. We had given the devil far more than a foothold and had quenched the Holy Spirit's prodding so many times, there was little-to-no willpower left.

We tried to end our involvement with each other many times, but it never lasted. How many smokers have quit smoking only to cave in at the next opportunity for a cigarette? We quit so many times, but the temptation of "one more time" proved too strong.

Like David, my selfishness led to infidelity. Then, to destruction.

You may have guessed by now that the "friend" in my relationship was a student. She was one of the core students, involved from the very beginning. Our families were very close, which meant a lot of time together over the years. She adored me and I loved the adoration. When my wife discovered incriminating text messages on my phone, I knew instantly that everything was about to come crashing down. After hours of screaming and crying, she packed some bags, loaded our 2 kids into the minivan and left the house at 3 AM. I have not seen my kids since. It has been over a year. The only time I have seen my wife has been in court. We have not communicated in one year. I lost my job, and was required to drop out of seminary. I pleaded guilty to 2 felonies, am serving time in prison and will be a registered sex offender for the rest of my life.

You know your own area of selfishness. Maybe it's dangerously close to mine. Are you flirting with a student, playing favorites or struggling with lust? Whatever it is, stop now. Repent of your sin and make it known to those who need to know: your spouse, your boss, your accountability partner. Deal with your sin before it destroys your life and brings down your family and church in the process.

But don't worry! They added this disclaimer after people were fucking pissed in the comments:

Author's Note: In response to readers' concerns, the author of this piece has offered the following clarification: "I recognize that what I initially considered a consensual relationship was actually preying on a minor. Youth pastors who do the same are not "in relationship" but are indeed sexual predators. I take 100 percent of the responsibility for what happened."

Wow. Christianity Today is a mainstream evangelical publication, too. It wouldn't generally be considered fringe or ultra-conservative by Christians.

[BravaAmica]

Wow. I'm surprised that the comments in Christianity Today recognize that the youth pastor's actions are unconscionable, illegal and predatory. That gives me hope.

[adidas]

Hmm. Letting a child rapist write guest articles is awful. Can you a imagine if a catholic website let a convicted sec offender write an article about how "we" were sinning in "our" relationship?

I'm glad the comments tore it to shreds. I only read a couple but I agreed with the few I saw. It needs to be taken down. He has not shown true repentance at all and is trying to get a foot in the door for when he is released.

[dawbs]

The 'disclaimer' at the end of this article is insufficient.

I can applaud people who say that our churches need to teach grace--but I can say 'but not at the expense of victims'. For far to long, churches have allowed abuse to flourish under the guise of 'forgiveness'.--it's well past time for places like Christianity Today to worry about the grace shown to victims (in this case, a teenage girl and, to a lesser extent, a wife, 2 children) and less about the grace shown to a man who barely recognizes the meaning of 'consent'

[Hane]

This is disgusting. Its tone is like that of a '70s Penthouse Forum letter--"ooooh, and then we did THIS bad thing and then we did THAT bad thing, but even though we knew it was WRONG we COULDN'T HELP IT..." interspersed with what a wonderful Man o' God he was, spreading his word to all those teens and "producing fruit."

As so many commenters pointed out, you don't wind up in jail for "having an affair." It's as if his mention of his jail term were secondary.

Makes me wonder whether this is just some kind of perverted fanfic thing that somehow made it past the (freaking naive) Christianity Today editors.

The vast majority of commenters, male and female, are begging that it be taken off the blog--but still it stays.

[RosyDaisy]

He's only sorry he got caught. Fuck this disgusting bastard!

[alwayscaffeinated]

The truly frightening thing is knowing that we only hear about a small fraction of these situations. How many of these predators are never caught? How many of these teens never speak up, even after the "relationship" (shudder) is over? I hate this. HATE it.

[Chowder Head]

His admission of jail time for his "affair" is like a oh btw after thought. Scary

[doggie]

this is typical every person in jail is innocent just ask them. I doubt he really thinks he did wrong.

[neuroticcat]

Guess what? Leadership Journal has edited the comments. From 75 to 17 in a few hours. And they are ignoring the twitter storm that's exploding in outrage #takedownthatpost

The managing editor is denying he has any authority to do so.

Enraging. So many problems with the mindset expressed in the article, not the least that it highlights the problems within the church. That an editor would approve that article - even in well-intentioned obliviousness - shows that the church doesn't have a clue how to help victims.

[CrazyCatLady]

I was just there and only 18 comments are posted.

[CrazyCatLady]

I also got pissed that he called it a "too-close relationship" instead of what it really was- child sexual abuse.

[adidas]

I can't stop thinking about this. I googled and found a few articles calling for it to be pulled. This one and the comments are excellent:

http://www.elizabethesther.com/2014/06/ ... azine.html

[ILoveJellybeans]

Affair? Extra-marital relationship?

Did he get these definitions from the Doug Phillips Dictionary of Tooling?

[bumblebee]

Why do I get the nasty feeling that his "affair" was with a really young teen and not the hypothetical "nearly 18 YO" (not that that is any better). Gah *shudder* He's just so slimy with the "she adored me and I adored her adoration" then going on to say they lead each other into sinning or as anyone else calls it he groomed her for abuse.

[Firiel]

Wow. I can't believe they are deleting comments. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of Christianity Today, but I thought they had at least some shred of integrity/accountability.

Here's a discussion of it. One woman asked the editor about his decision via Twitter:

patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/06/12/why-did-a-journal-for-christian-pastors-give-a-platform-to-a-sexual-predator/

One editor posted a link to the piece saying it was a “cautionary tale.†When pressed on Twitter for a comment, Drew Dyck, the managing editor, responded to my question of “What exactly was the editorial process in publishing a rapist’s justifications for being a child molester?†with,

“I don’t answer rhetorical questions.â€

I just can't even. To be so gleefully dismissive of what is a hugely important criticism is just beyond me.

[mockingbird]

Gross. The editor's response is just WTF. I'm glad at least there are people speaking out about it.

I am really close to one of my high school teachers; she's like a second mom to me. But in high school, we had SO MANY rules - to protect her, and more importantly, to protect me. I hated it sometimes because I just wanted to be able to text her during school breaks and stuff like that, but I understood where it was coming from (even more now) and I absolutely think it was the right thing for her to do. I don't think she's the type of person who would've turned it into anything inappropriate/sexual, or I wouldn't still be friends with her! But when someone is in a position of power in a relationship, there needs to be some boundaries no matter what. We were really close in high school too, but that kind-of kept the personal from bleeding too much into the professional where she was still my teacher. I've worked with kids, and I take setting/keeping appropriate boundaries very seriously now because of her example.

[nokidsmom]

Affair? Extra-marital relationship?

Did he get these definitions from the Doug Phillips Dictionary of Tooling?

My exact thoughts when I read that article. Instead of calling it for what it really was, he couches it in terms that are geared to make it look better than it really was, thereby misleading people about the exact nature of the so-called relationship. Just like DPIAT. Even here, we speculated about the nature of this "relationship" until the lawsuit.

Rant mode on: This guy is not repentant. In that article, he blamed his wife, he talked about how he was a such a good guy, downplayed the girl's age and make far too much use of "we" and "us" rather than "I" and "me". He talks about how he's in jail, his wife left him and he hasn't seen his kids. It's all me, me, me. At no point does he talk about it as being rape, that he utterly failed in his responsibility as a spiritual leader, that he failed his family, hurt the girl involved and her family, and funny, how he doesn't say why he hasn't seen his kids (hint: child molester).

I don't know why publications like CT publish this stuff. Some years ago, I read a series of articles in another church magazine about whether or not pastors who have gotten involved with parishioners in general deserve a second chance, how far should forgiveness go, etc. It was more a discussion of the various issues rather than making a blanket statement of yes or no. While I understood that, I still couldn't fathom this magazine publishing stories from these guys. Most of them read like this article in CT and I nearly wanted to punch out the magazine pages, I was so incensed at "poor pitiful me" theme running in most of them. There was absolutely nothing written from a victim.

One has to ask how much support, if any, was given to the victim and family in these cases. Perhaps there was, but with the focus on the perpetrator in the name of "forgiveness" it really looks like less (or nothing) is done for the victim nor is there any concern expressed for the impact on that person and his/her family. It just looks bad.

Ok, rant mode off.

[neuroticcat]

Why do I get the nasty feeling that his "affair" was with a really young teen and not the hypothetical "nearly 18 YO" (not that that is any better). Gah *shudder* He's just so slimy with the "she adored me and I adored her adoration" then going on to say they lead each other into sinning or as anyone else calls it he groomed her for abuse.

Definitely not. He talks about how his "friend" was in the core group from early days, so I'm guessing his interaction with her began when she was quite young before it developed into what he nauseatingly calls the "affair."

So outrageous. And still no response from editor or magazine.

[neuroticcat]

My exact thoughts when I read that article. Instead of calling it for what it really was, he couches it in terms that are geared to make it look better than it really was, thereby misleading people about the exact nature of the so-called relationship. Just like DPIAT. Even here, we speculated about the nature of this "relationship" until the lawsuit.

Rant mode on: This guy is not repentant. In that article, he blamed his wife, he talked about how he was a such a good guy, downplayed the girl's age and make far too much use of "we" and "us" rather than "I" and "me". He talks about how he's in jail, his wife left him and he hasn't seen his kids. It's all me, me, me. At no point does he talk about it as being rape, that he utterly failed in his responsibility as a spiritual leader, that he failed his family, hurt the girl involved and her family, and funny, how he doesn't say why he hasn't seen his kids (hint: child molester).

I don't know why publications like CT publish this stuff. Some years ago, I read a series of articles in another church magazine about whether or not pastors who have gotten involved with parishioners in general deserve a second chance, how far should forgiveness go, etc. It was more a discussion of the various issues rather than making a blanket statement of yes or no. While I understood that, I still couldn't fathom this magazine publishing stories from these guys. Most of them read like this article in CT and I nearly wanted to punch out the magazine pages, I was so incensed at "poor pitiful me" theme running in most of them. There was absolutely nothing written from a victim.

One has to ask how much support, if any, was given to the victim and family in these cases. Perhaps there was, but with the focus on the perpetrator in the name of "forgiveness" it really looks like less (or nothing) is done for the victim nor is there any concern expressed for the impact on that person and his/her family. It just looks bad.

Ok, rant mode off.

Exactly. The subtitle is even about "my" ministry and "my" life. It's like the victim is a throw-in surprise. Let's talk about my "sin". Oh, yeah, by the way my "affair" was with a CHILD in the YOUTH GROUP I led.

It makes my head explode that the church continues to miss the point on this - wants forgiveness for abusers, calls rape mutual sin, and thinks it is a good idea to publish this. The rape of a child is not "falling into temptation." So enraging.

[Firiel]

And I hate how the article starts with this great story about how he turned a dying youth group around and was running an amazing, vital program for the kids. And how, now that he's gone, the youth group is struggling again.

The ministry grew steadily. Within a few years the group that once struggled to fill a minivan was taking over 40 students to camp every summer. Teens were involved in every area of our church. The students were participating in local, regional, and international missions, and were inviting their friends to our activities. The gospel was being taught, and students were accepting Christ, getting baptized, and serving.

...

But there was one problem. Because of that problem, I am now in prison and the youth group is back on life support. This is the story of how I went from being a successful youth minister to a convicted felon in 3 easy steps

UM. NO. You can't praise your leadership while you are repeatedly RAPING A STUDENT. Rape preeeetty much nullifies anything that might be considered "success" in regards to running a youth group.

And, gee, the youth group is on life support you aren't there anymore? Are you sure it's not because you raped a student and now parents and teens alike can't trust their youth leaders? Because this was such a devastating blow to everything they ever thought they knew about the church and church leadership that they've lost their faith in youth ministry?

This guy is such an entitled, narcissistic piece of shit.

[nokidsmom]

And I hate how the article starts with this great story about how he turned a dying youth group around and was running an amazing, vital program for the kids. And how, now that he's gone, the youth group is struggling again.

UM. NO. You can't praise your leadership while you are repeatedly RAPING A STUDENT. Rape preeeetty much nullifies anything that might be considered "success" in regards to running a youth group.

And, gee, the youth group is on life support you aren't there anymore? Are you sure it's not because you raped a student and now parents and teens alike can't trust their youth leaders? Because this was such a devastating blow to everything they ever thought they knew about the church and church leadership that they've lost their faith in youth ministry?

This guy is such an entitled, narcissistic piece of shit.

No big surprise that the youth group is toast. A spiritual leader blowing his trust with his flock/congregation/parishioners is really a deep blow to that spiritual community even if there's no criminal charges / jail time involved. When we married, Mr. No belonged to a church whose pastor was coming on to lot of the women in the congregation, both married and unmarried and that he was doing a lot of running around, which is why we never joined. As far as we know it wasn't with anyone underage, but it did tremendous damage and the church limped along for a few years before dying out. It's one of the reasons why Mr. No is agnostic and borderline atheist (I say borderline because he hasn't come out and said it but I am expecting it any month now).

Oh yeah and the pastor mentioned above couldn't understand why we didn't join his church and had the nerve to ask Mr. No why he was not marrying us or at least be involved in our ceremony. The arrogance knows no bounds.

[louisa05]

Gross. The editor's response is just WTF. I'm glad at least there are people speaking out about it.

I am really close to one of my high school teachers; she's like a second mom to me. But in high school, we had SO MANY rules - to protect her, and more importantly, to protect me. I hated it sometimes because I just wanted to be able to text her during school breaks and stuff like that, but I understood where it was coming from (even more now) and I absolutely think it was the right thing for her to do. I don't think she's the type of person who would've turned it into anything inappropriate/sexual, or I wouldn't still be friends with her! But when someone is in a position of power in a relationship, there needs to be some boundaries no matter what. We were really close in high school too, but that kind-of kept the personal from bleeding too much into the professional where she was still my teacher. I've worked with kids, and I take setting/keeping appropriate boundaries very seriously now because of her example.

One boundary that is taken very seriously in Catholic churches and schools is that teachers, youth leaders, and basically anyone working with children are told to never text or connect on social media with students. As a teacher, my rule (and I clearly told the kids) was that I would friend them on social media four years after graduation if they made the request. And the four years was because by then they would have few or no connections with kids I was still teaching at the school so that I was not frequently interacting in any way with current students. I have heard a ton of justifications as to why teachers and youth workers need to be texting and what not with their kids, but in the end, it is better to set those boundaries.

[Beb]

One boundary that is taken very seriously in Catholic churches and schools is that teachers, youth leaders, and basically anyone working with children are told to never text or connect on social media with students.As a teacher, my rule (and I clearly told the kids) was that I would friend them on social media four years after graduation if they made the request. And the four years was because by then they would have few or no connections with kids I was still teaching at the school so that I was not frequently interacting in any way with current students. I have heard a ton of justifications as to why teachers and youth workers need to be texting and what not with their kids, but in the end, it is better to set those boundaries.

I guess they take that more seriously than connecting sexually with them in person...in other words, molesting them?

[thoughtful]

They did take down the article, finally:

http://www.elizabethesther.com/2014/06/ ... azine.html

And put up an apology, which reads, in part:

We should not have published this post, and we deeply regret the decision to do so.

The post, told from the perspective of a sex offender, withheld from readers until the very end a crucial piece of information: that the sexual misconduct being described involved a minor under the youth pastor's care. Among other failings, this post used language that implied consent and mutuality when in fact there can be no quesiton that in situations of such disproportionate power there is no such thing as consent or mutuality.

The post, intended to dissuade future perpetrators, dwelt at length on the losses this criminal sin caused the author, while displaying little or no empathic engagement with the far greater losses caused to the victim of the crime and the wider community around the author. The post adopted a tone that was not appropriate given its failure to document complete repentance and restoration.

christianitytoday.com/le/2014/june-online-only/my-easy-trip-from-youth-minister-to-felon.html

Too little, too late -- but at least they did it.