Birthday Party for Pregnancy Loss

[2xx1xy1JD]

Im someone who has had several pregnancy losses, miscarriages at 12, 14 and 7 weeks, plus one lovely live boy and am currently half way through another pregnancy (trepidation!)

I cant deny that these events have been physically and emotionally important to me, and I always seem to remember and have a brief moment of reflection on the dates of their losses. I try not to think about the due dates or memorialise them because to me that would be mourning something I never had, that was purely anticipated/imagined while a moment of thought on the aniverary of the loss feels right. But thats purely personal and everyone feels these griefs differently.

I will talk about the miscarriages though (especially when people ask dumb questions like ' have you thought about another' or now that I am pregnant again ' why such a large age gap?'

Im very calm about it and explain, its not planned weve had losses. Most people are a bit taken aback as a lot of the time we just dont think about such things, and a couple have actually thanked me as they had never really thought how such an innoccuous question or bit of joking might touch a raw nerve. As 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage I think its astounding we dont talk about it or acknowlege it more - its a common experience for many women, and its surprising how many people when the topic comes up have a story to share (and sometimes find it cathartic.) Thats not to say I go about preaching about it or forcing the topic, but I will be straightforward and open if its mentioned. Again, this is purely my personal way of dealing with it and I would not demand it of every woman

My thoughts exactly.

It's getting better with the internet, but the culture of silence around miscarriage was still VERY strong when I had my first in 1998. I had no idea that it was so common, or that it could happen to you even if you did everything right and weren't in a high risk category.

People around me clearly loved me and meant well - but many of them unintentionally made things worse by expecting me to deny my grief and pretend that nothing had happened. My FIL ordered us not to tell others about the miscarriages, my MIL insisted that I couldn't call a D&C an operation since it was just "a procedure", my mother couldn't understand why I didn't want to hear the details of her friend's grandson birth celebration when he was born right around what would have been my due date, and everyone desperately wanted me to say that I was "just fine" after a few weeks. I wasn't, and I didn't feel that I had people around me with whom I could even mention my feelings. When a couple of people told me their own stories, I was insanely grateful.

I had people asking me about having another, right in the middle of a miscarriage. As a result, I'd love to make it totally taboo to ever ask someone questions about having children.

[chaotic life]

I don't agree with the culture of silence around miscarriage, but I am very uncomfortable with highlighting annual celebrations of miscarriages with children. I really believe this happens in very fundie and hyperCatholic households *because* they equate conception with a living, breathing child.

As Latraviata said, there is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE difference between a miscarriage and losing an actual child.

I've had three miscarriages, and my children are themselves well aware of one of them because they were older and we had told them about the pregnancy. If they ASK me, they would find out I have had three miscarriages. When my girls are grown, this is information I will deliberately make sure they are aware of, merely because it may be a factor in their obstetrical history, just like my thyroid condition is. Otherwise, we don't talk about the miscarriages much. They are sad for me, especially the one that made it to 14 weeks. However, they are merely points of sadness and NOT child loss.

OTOH, when you lose a living and breathing child, whether that occurs at birth or as an adult, you join a club NO ONE wants to be a member of. We are a club that understands, as Latraviata pointed out, you do NOT "get over it," nor do you want to as if the mere thought of that idea indicates that you have forgotten your child.

We memorialize twice a year as well. First his birthday, we aim to do a big vacation and celebration, the kind of thing he would have loved (though struggled with actually participating since overwhelming excitement was as hard on his autism as overwhelming upset). For his death week, we go camping. We go inward as a family and become contemplative. Periodically outside of those points, if someone is feeling sad or struggling, we have red helium balloons we can release in our yard to send to him in heaven (we use biodegradable balloons with no strings so we're not damaging the environment tyvm).

We eat cupcakes on his birthday, red velvet cupcakes to be completely specific. They were what he requested for his last birthday and we could not find them because we had moved to New England and they were very rare to find there. I see nothing wrong with the way we choose to remember him on what would be his birthday. His siblings cling to these rituals just as we do. If at some point, they don't want to participate, then that will be fine. Participation is not mandatory for them. I will continue these rituals and they are free to come and go simply knowing I will memorialize him for my lifetime. In no way to I see this as unhealthy.

OTOH, I have a friend who lost a miscarriage at 14 weeks who does every bit as much as what I do, and quite a bit more. I see her choices to be more than a bit unhealthy, and yes her children are required to participate despite having made comments that they are uncomfortable with her continued focus on a dead fetus now 10 years after the loss. I see her response as very much a result of the fundamental Christianity and pro-life message that tells her she did lose a living breathing child.

I also find it is those who are so obsessed with turning a miscarriage into a lost child who happily inform me they are right beside me in the grief. I take great offense by that assumption. While I do not wish a dead child on any of them to understand they are NOT in this same club, I do not appreciate being told losing a fetus is in any way the same as holding my 10 year old in my arms and feeling the life force leave his body.

[polecat]

I had five miscarriages at varying stages of development. I have three children. My three children are aware of my miscarriages, but it's not something we memorialize. It's just a fact of life. We DO memorialize my mother's birthday. My kids knew and adored my mom, and her death was hard on all of us. Remembering her birthday is something that brings us all a little joy and gives us an opportunity to remember her as a family. I have two friends who lost babies late in pregnancies: They were born too early to survive. One of them has a celebration of her baby's birth every year, and she requests that all of us participate, even if only online via the Facebook page she has set up for that purpose, because it helps her. Her kids get involved, and send off balloons, have cake, etc. It's a positive -- if sad -- way to celebrate her baby's brief life.

We all deal with grief in different ways. And while there may be "degrees" of loss to outsiders, those who are actually experiencing the grief are not going to benefit from outsiders trivializing their feelings simply because "it was only a clump of cells" or "it's not like it was a real baby." Perhaps that trivialization is exactly what drives someone to push back with seemingly OOT displays of grief. The grief I felt at losing much-wanted pregnancies was different than the grief I experienced at losing my mother. My grief over lost potential was different from my friends' grief over babies who were held and loved. Their and my grief were different still from parents who lost young children or adult children. You simply cannot compare grief in that way just as you cannot tell someone they don't have a right to be upset over emotional abuse because someone else was physically abused and therefore "had it worse." Someone else is ALWAYS going to have it worse: That's a fact of life. But it doesn't change the fact that we are still going through very real, very difficult emotions.

However, the original blogger highlighted may well need help to move on from this, and I agree that involving her kids *in this way* (meaning so negatively that the child's announced her heart was broken) is not healthy.

[lizziesmom]

It would not surprise me if J'Chelle did this for Jubilee and J'Caleb.

Only if the cameras are rolling.

[browngrl]

Here is a question I have for any fundie who would celebrate the "birthday" of an embryo. How did you date that pregnancy? Did you date using the traditional formula based on last menstrual period- if so did you account for variations in cycle length? Did you use the HCG levels (if so how did you decide what data set to use and how did you deal with the error margins)? Did you date the pregnancy from conception (i.e. egg meets sperm) or implantation or at the the day 5 or day 3 embryo stage? Did you have an ultrasound to date (knowing that there is a normal variation for about 4 - 5 days on all ultrasound early measurements)? If you used ultrasound measurements what data set did you choose and why?

Honestly it is not so simple to date a pregnancy and there are many papers on what parameters are appropriate to use. Make it simple : choose the birthday as the day a child is actually born.

[Blahblah]

I've had two "official " miscarriages (ie under the care of by obstetrician, required a D&C) and I suspect at least 3 maybe 4 others -usually clockwork, light periods coming a couple of weeks late and involving extremely heavy clotting and cramping.

I have two healthy children now but it took a long time with the above setbacks before and in between. I remember the anguish at losing a 12 and 10 week confirmed pregnancy, I remember the years in which they happened, but I cannot remember exact dates, or due dates. I view these miscarriages as a biological function. They are remembered but not memorialised. I certainly don't say that I have 5 or 6 children.

Having birthday memorials for an embryo is just weird in my opinion. I totally understand celebrating the life of a deceased child, but a very early miscarriage just isn't in the same category.

[veron1que]

I don't understand calling it a "birthday." There was no birth. A deathday, while still absurd, seems more appropriate. Like we lost X on this day and want to think about him and reflect on that loss.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I don't understand calling it a "birthday." There was no birth. A deathday, while still absurd, seems more appropriate. Like we lost X on this day and want to think about him and reflect on that loss.

True.

I had expected due dates, not "birthdays". To be honest, I did have issues when the first expected due date was coming up, because I was seeing people who I remembered announcing their pregnancies around the same time as me, and they were heavily pregnant or holding babies and I wasn't. Once I had healthy, living children, though, it ceased to be an issue. In April, 1999, it bothered me that I didn't have a baby. In April, 2014, it won't bother me that I have a child who is 14.5 years old instead of 15. If my first miscarriage had continued to term, I wouldn't have Girl 1, and if my second or third miscarriage had continued to term, I wouldn't have Girl 2. [i do understand that the sense of loss can be much deeper if there is also infertility involved - a 6 month delay is nothing, but I do have friends who talk about their feelings when their friends have children entering their teens while they have toddlers, and the sense that older children are missing. I also know someone who, tragically, wasn't able to recover psychologically from a stillbirth after infertility. She wasn't able to conceive again and move on, so the loss was ongoing.]