Birthday Party for Pregnancy Loss

[Mary C Doates]

Ugh, I'm sorry, nelliebelle1197.

Bonnie is just a couple small steps away from being Frankie.

(Link unbroken b/c it points to another FJ thread.)

I have just spent an hour reading the Franki thread (thanks, dark plumaged, for the link). What.the.holy.hell...

[hahe77]

I had a second trimester miscarriage 5 years ago. The first year anniversary of the miscarriage, I changed my facebook profile to a picture I found about miscarriage awareness. We also had angel food cake. The next year and the years following, we haven't done anything.

I never did anything on what would have been my due date. My children were in 7th and 1st grades when I had the miscarriage. I don't think they even remember it. They sure as hell don't make cards saying my heart is broke.

The first 6 months were hard after the miscarriage. The 1 year anniversary was hard. As much as I wanted life to stop moving forward so I could mourn, it didn't. Do I think about the baby I lost? I sure do but it doesn't consume my life.

When I had the miscarriage, the hospital made a cast of my son. They took pictures of him. They gave me the blanket he was wrapped in, the cord clamp and his bracelet. I have it all in a box along with his ashes in my closet. I can't tell you the last time I looked at the contents.

Maybe I am heartless. But I have two living children that need me. I can't dwell over things that could have been. Nor do I force my children to be sad and cry for a something that never was. It's unhealthy.

[Claartje]

Two years ago today, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks. It devastated me back then, and I did think about it for a few minutes today... But there is no way I would burden my two living children with this (they didn't know about the pregnancy to begin with)

[tkr322]

I have had 3 losses, the latest one at 10 weeks. It is devastating and even if it is early on you are losing the "dream" so to speak of what could/should have been. I still remember my due dates and think about it every year on those days. I never involve my children and even though they're young, never would when they're older either. That is just wrong and weird.

I don't think it's right to make fun of someone and calling it just a bunch of cells. Honestly I am very liberal and pro abortion, etc. but I still think of it as though I lost babies. Yes they were just fetuses and actually 2 of mine were probably just blastocysts but it's the child that would have been that I mourn. I wouldn't have my daughter had I not miscarried though and wouldn't have the one I'm pregnant with now had I not miscarried. I think everything happens for a reason. Again though, that doesn't mean I won't always miss the kids I should have had.

[PennySycamore]

Latraviata, I think your custom of remembering your son is charming. And Flossie, I think what your friend did was probably very healing for her and her remaining children.

My friend's continuing to throw birthday parties for her deceased son for years after he died was a symptom of deep and unworked through grief. I don't think Mack would have wanted that for his mom. She was unhappy all the time.

[latraviata]

Latraviata, I think your custom of remembering your son is charming. And Flossie, I think what your friend did was probably very healing for her and her remaining children.

My friend's continuing to throw birthday parties for her deceased son for years after he died was a symptom of deep and unworked through grief. I don't think Mack would have wanted that for his mom. She was unhappy all the time.

Apparantly that's her way of coping. Grieving is a very personal process and perhaps hard to understand for somebody else. Of course she was unhappy all the time. After the death of your child you never can be really happy again, it is an amputation.

Of course I am not talking about a 3 week miscarriage. Our grandmothers/mothers had miscarriages without they even noticed. Nowadays 1 hour after conception women know they are pregnant.

I had two miscarriages and it is sad of course but not the same as losing an actual child instead of an embryo.

[Mama Mia]

Latraviata, I think your custom of remembering your son is charming. And Flossie, I think what your friend did was probably very healing for her and her remaining children.

My friend's continuing to throw birthday parties for her deceased son for years after he died was a symptom of deep and unworked through grief. I don't think Mack would have wanted that for his mom. She was unhappy all the time.

I don't see what's wrong with the Birthday Parties. Even the birthday party for the miscarriage wouldn't be worrisome if she was doing it without making her children involved to the point of saying they are heartbroken. I think someone could, possibly, have a little birthday cake and do it in a way that felt like a little moment to acknowledge someone they had hoped would be there....but not in a way that made a 5 year old feel grief stricken....maybe. But since her children weren't even born at the time she miscarried I would think keeping any annual memorials private to herself, or possibly including her husband, would be more appropriate.

[FloraKitty35]

She needs professionally licensed psychiatric help.

[Koala]

After the death of your child you never can be really happy again

I think that's probably one of the truest things that has ever been written here. God, I can't even imagine...

And I agree with you that miscarriage is sometimes sad (I've had 2 myself), but it is in no way comparable to the loss of a living, breathing child. This woman dragging her children into this is inexcusable. She needs to get a grip.

[latraviata]

She needs professionally licensed psychiatric help.

Why??

[Hane]

My mom had three miscarriages before she conceived me; two of those within a calendar year of my conception. I never learned about them until I was in my early teens and was asking her questions about the mechanics of pregnancy. I must admit I cried when I learned about her losses, although she wasn't speaking of them from a place of profound grief, having had three kids since then. (Hmmm. If either of the two latter pregnancies had succeeded, I wouldn't exist.)

I remember having read, a couple of decades ago, a Readers Digest article about a woman, mother of a few little kids, who had a miscarriage at two months. She talked all about it with her kids, so they knew about their "dead sister." I thought, geez, lady--you don't have to share EVERYTHING with your kids; there are some things that grownups need to handle on their own and shield their kids from. (Then again, I'm the kind of woman who's horrified by the fact that some women allow and encourage their kids to watch them giving birth. Yeah, it's a beautiful and natural process--where a woman might scream and groan in agony and blood might be shed, and some things might go terribly wrong.)

[nelliebelle1197]

I have had 3 losses, the latest one at 10 weeks. It is devastating and even if it is early on you are losing the "dream" so to speak of what could/should have been. I still remember my due dates and think about it every year on those days. I never involve my children and even though they're young, never would when they're older either. That is just wrong and weird.

I don't think it's right to make fun of someone and calling it just a bunch of cells. Honestly I am very liberal and pro abortion, etc. but I still think of it as though I lost babies. Yes they were just fetuses and actually 2 of mine were probably just blastocysts but it's the child that would have been that I mourn. I wouldn't have my daughter had I not miscarried though and wouldn't have the one I'm pregnant with now had I not miscarried. I think everything happens for a reason. Again though, that doesn't mean I won't always miss the kids I should have had.

And I don't think it is healthy to memorialize a fetus. It is not the same thing as losing a baby. I nearly lost a living baby and I had second trimester miscarriage, but I have no idea what it is like to lose a child. A friend of mine just started therapy over the enormous grief and loss he feels over losing his seven year old to cancer. Latraviata lost an adult child. These aren't the same level of loss as a miscarriage, which is usually a very natural biological function.

[singsingsing]

Death of any kind is a very natural biological function.

[latraviata]

Death of any kind is a very natural biological function.

You are formally and technically right. Humanly, not so much.

Still there is a difference between a miscarriage and a living and breathing child, no matter their age.

[August]

Also. Women please stop testing at 4 weeks. Save yourself the grief of miscarriage and just wait to test... :/

There is a big medical difference between someone who hadn't conceived and someone who who's had three early miscarriages. The tests and treatments are different. You'd be an idiot not to collect the info.

[nelliebelle1197]

There is a big medical difference between someone who hadn't conceived and someone who who's had three early miscarriages. The tests and treatments are different. You'd be an idiot not to collect the info.

This is a true point from a scientific perspective (which if I recall you have, August!) but I understand the OP's point, especially with baby crazed fundies.

[veron1que]

There is a big medical difference between someone who hadn't conceived and someone who who's had three early miscarriages. The tests and treatments are different. You'd be an idiot not to collect the info.

I disagree. If you are young and healthy I don't think there is any reason to test at 4 weeks. Up to 1/4 medically recognized prenancies end in miscarriage and that doesnt account for early miscarriages that are not reported, often chemical pregnancies.

If a couple is struggling with infertility or has a limited window in which they are hoping to get pregnant, I think testing is perfectly reasonable. But the fact is healthy women often experiece chemical pregnancies that they would not have know existed unless they tested at four weeks. I just don't think it makes great sense to test so early if a miscarriage would devastate you.

Now. Obviously, I gave advice, take it or leave it. But women who do, are not idiots. Its fine to either ttc with ovulation test and constant testing or to let biology do its thing without a care"

[Koala]

There is a big medical difference between someone who hadn't conceived and someone who who's had three early miscarriages. The tests and treatments are different. You'd be an idiot not to collect the info.

This isn't medically sound advice. Often doctors are able to prescribe something simple like progesterone if levels are low and the pregnancy is able to continue. AskmehowIknow.

[2xx1xy1JD]

My mom had three miscarriages before she conceived me; two of those within a calendar year of my conception. I never learned about them until I was in my early teens and was asking her questions about the mechanics of pregnancy. I must admit I cried when I learned about her losses, although she wasn't speaking of them from a place of profound grief, having had three kids since then. (Hmmm. If either of the two latter pregnancies had succeeded, I wouldn't exist.)

I remember having read, a couple of decades ago, a Readers Digest article about a woman, mother of a few little kids, who had a miscarriage at two months. She talked all about it with her kids, so they knew about their "dead sister." I thought, geez, lady--you don't have to share EVERYTHING with your kids; there are some things that grownups need to handle on their own and shield their kids from. (Then again, I'm the kind of woman who's horrified by the fact that some women allow and encourage their kids to watch them giving birth. Yeah, it's a beautiful and natural process--where a woman might scream and groan in agony and blood might be shed, and some things might go terribly wrong.)

I told my kids about my losses when they were pretty young. They occasionally mention it.

We don't do annual birthday parties and they aren't "heartbroken", but at the time, the losses were a big part of my life. They shaped who we were as parents. I felt that the culture of silence around miscarriage made my emotional recovery more difficult, and I didn't want that to continue with my kids. Finally - in a way, it was part of their story too, and the story of how we became a family. They know that they were REALLY wanted - that I was sad about a baby dying in my tummy before we had kids, and then excited but nervous when I was preg with kid #1, and then stopped being sad and was totally overjoyed the moment she was born.

My SIL had a stillbirth when my youngest was 1. The kids knew what was happening.

So no, I don't see any reason to keep that info from kids.

If God forbid I ever had to deal with the death of a living child, OF COURSE we would still talk about that child, remember birthdays, etc. It's not like a child will simply forget that they had a sibling!

I see that as being very different from expecting my kids to be heartbroken over the loss of an embryo.

[ljohnson2006]

It would not surprise me if J'Chelle did this for Jubilee and J'Caleb.

[Koala]

It would not surprise me if J'Chelle did this for Jubilee and J'Caleb.

Well it would surprise the hell out of me. She can hardly be bothered to remember the children that are actually in her home and J'Caleb was hardly a blip on her radar. Jubilee wouldn't have been either if she hadn't been the coveted #20 and had the ability to bring in a shit load of publicity.

[PennySycamore]

Well it would surprise the hell out of me. She can hardly be bothered to remember the children that are actually in her home and J'Caleb was hardly a blip on her radar. Jubilee wouldn't have been either if she hadn't been the coveted #20 and had the ability to bring in a shit load of publicity.

Remember, too, that Caleb apparently was not even named until the Jubilee fiasco.

[Escapefromfundiedom]

I know of a woman who has had...7 miscarriages, maybe 8? There are underlying health issues. She has three healthy living children. Anyway. She counts them according to their order of conception (so healthy youngest child is considered like her 10th or something), all of them (and these are early first tri mc's) are named. There is a lot of memorializing done with each loss along with some other stuff that is too crazy to type on a smartphone. She and her husband and family are deep down the fundie Protestant rabbit hole. And their kids are quite young but are clearly being included in the process.

I personally have experienced three miscarriages at 12, 9 and 5 weeks. They were all extremely difficult and they definitely altered me as a woman and a mother. But my three living children do not know and I would not wish them to be burdened by that information while they are children.

For these women, I feel some sympathy for them because I have been there and I know that losing a wanted pregnancy sucks and it's a big emotional roller coaster. But I also want to scream at them that their living children need their moms to not wallow in things that aren't meant to be. You cannot check out of the realm of the living and its far more important to be there (and love and be thankful for!!!) the children you have who are alive! I just think it is totally f'd up to foist this prolonged grieving stage on children. But hey, it's a good excuse to give your young'Uns an extra dose of the fundie koolaid.

[penguinagogo]

Im someone who has had several pregnancy losses, miscarriages at 12, 14 and 7 weeks, plus one lovely live boy and am currently half way through another pregnancy (trepidation!)

I cant deny that these events have been physically and emotionally important to me, and I always seem to remember and have a brief moment of reflection on the dates of their losses. I try not to think about the due dates or memorialise them because to me that would be mourning something I never had, that was purely anticipated/imagined while a moment of thought on the aniverary of the loss feels right. But thats purely personal and everyone feels these griefs differently.

I will talk about the miscarriages though (especially when people ask dumb questions like ' have you thought about another' or now that I am pregnant again ' why such a large age gap?'

Im very calm about it and explain, its not planned weve had losses. Most people are a bit taken aback as a lot of the time we just dont think about such things, and a couple have actually thanked me as they had never really thought how such an innoccuous question or bit of joking might touch a raw nerve. As 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage I think its astounding we dont talk about it or acknowlege it more - its a common experience for many women, and its surprising how many people when the topic comes up have a story to share (and sometimes find it cathartic.) Thats not to say I go about preaching about it or forcing the topic, but I will be straightforward and open if its mentioned. Again, this is purely my personal way of dealing with it and I would not demand it of every woman

[Jana814]

Well it would surprise the hell out of me. She can hardly be bothered to remember the children that are actually in her home and J'Caleb was hardly a blip on her radar. Jubilee wouldn't have been either if she hadn't been the coveted #20 and had the ability to bring in a shit load of publicity.

So true!