Lori Alexander on the Evils of Sleepovers

[GeoBQn]

Lori has said in the past that she didn't allow her kids to go to sleepovers. Today, she explains why--because it provides ample opportunity for your child to be molested or exposed to pornography.

lorialexander.blogspot.com/2013/08/molested-at-sleep-overs.html

Rachel Campos-Duffy writes parenting blogs and wrote one on when the right time is to allow sleep overs and she was shocked how many women commented and said it was at sleep overs that they were molested as children. Her husband is a DA and she said he deals with this issue a lot also.

Obviously, bad things can happen, but I doubt that the risk is as large as she is making it.

With the proliferation of pornography, even in Christian homes, we must be very proactive in protecting our children.

Because people just leave their pornography laying around, and children are SO eager to show friends their dad or mom's porn collection.

I went to sleep overs when I was young. I remember doing seances, playing with a Ouija board, playing spin the bottle, eating tons of junk food; nothing that was productive or healthy. Thankfully, I was never molested but I could see how it could easily happen if there are older brothers in the home, step-fathers, uncles, etc.

There was an article recently about how Ouija boards work. Hint: it is not ghosts. Also, spin the bottle? Were these co-ed sleepovers?

[Talitha Cumi]

I went to sleep overs when I was young. I remember doing seances, playing with a Ouija board, playing spin the bottle, eating tons of junk food; nothing that was productive or healthy. Thankfully, I was never molested but I could see how it could easily happen if there are older brothers in the home, step-fathers, uncles, etc.

Lori, you SINNER. Didn't your parents tell you those things call forth demons who will possess your soul? :pink-shock:

[FlorenceHamilton]

Why do these people think that every male is a child molester?

[Jana814]

Why do these people think that every male is a child molester?

Was wondering the same thing!!

[FJismyheadship]

Every male is a child molester, pedophile, etc... and yet we must be submissive.

[lilwriter85]

It looks like Lori's parents were less strict than her in the parenting department. Incidents of molestations do happen at sleepovers, but I don't think it happens as much as Lori's sources claim it does. I'm a bit familar with Rachel Campos Duffy and her husband Sean. Both of them appeared on Real World seasons back in the 90s. Both come from conservative Catholic families and I bet both were raised with the no sleepover rule and I wouldn't be surprised if Rachel is embellishing things from what her husband deals with as a prosecutor. Her husband is also a Congressman.

I also found the blog where Rachel talks about sleepovers and it was written five years ago.

http://www.parentdish.com/2008/02/26/wh ... leepovers/ (not breaking the link because the site is now owned by HuffPost)

Recently, my 8 year-old second grade daughter was invited to another sleepover birthday party. These invitations are always the cause of renewed disappointment for her because she knows that she will probably be the only girl who's parent's will pick her up at 9pm because we have a family rule against sleepovers. The only "sleeping over" our kids do is at their grandparents, their aunt's house and one very close family friend who is kind of like an aunt in their life. The bottom line for us when it comes to sleepovers at friends' houses is that it can become very dicey when it comes time to making decision regarding which homes we feel comfortable letting her spend the night at. Even though we live in a small town, in some cases, we simply don't know the families well. In others, we do, but do not feel that we share the same views on media and other things that will come into play at a sleepover. Here is a list of my rationale. I'd love to hear feedback from other moms.

1. If we allow her to spend the night at one child's house, it makes it much harder to explain if we have a legitimate reason for not allowing her to go to another family's house.

2. We are rather strict about what we let our 8 year old watch i.e. no Hanna Montana, High School Musical and other pre-teen/teenage shows. Most of my daughters' friends watch these shows, especially at sleepovers.

3. While our daughter wants to fit in and stay the night, we think that by 9pm she is getting plenty of birthday fun for an 8 year-old. We know the time will come when the "spending the night" part will become integral to the experience. We don't think that time has come yet, but we hope we will be wise enough to know when the time comes.

4. My husband is the District Attorney in our county. Needless to say, he is privy to the incidence of child sexual assault in our community. We know all to well that bad things happen, sometimes even in presumably "good homes". His access to this kind of information has made us a lot more protective (perhaps even paranoid).

As far as we can tell from our own experience, we are one of the only parents we know with a strict across-the-board rule about sleepovers, so I'm curious about how other families handle this issue.

I had to chuckle at the part about Hannah Montana, HSM, and similar shows. I have watched those shows when I babysat my cousins and nephews. Those shows are pretty harmless.

[dairyfreelife]

How sad because sleepovers were fun. I was never assaulted at any sleepover. I really don't think that's as common as she wants to believe.

And seriously? Seances, Ouija boards and spin the bottle at sleepovers?? Never did any of those things. How funny. Pizza and other junk food were on the list and so were movies and ghost stories, but those are fun, Lori.

As for Rachel's article, she's been overly paranoid and a control freak. Not to mention that her list is just flat out stupid. High School Musical has nothing bad in it that I can recall, so why the worry? Also, I am confused with the "spending the night" line in quotes and being integral to the experience. Sleepovers are rather normal for 8yos, so color me confused there. :think:

[ILoveJellybeans]

Loads of kids go on sleepovers and dont get molested. Most men are not child molesters, and sleepovers are safe-just get to know the parents if the kid is little. Kids are statistically more likely to be molested by their own relatives than strangers. I hate how fundies sexualise things to the point where they think everyone is a total sex addict who would instantly become a pedophile if they saw toddler knee. There is nothing wrong with sleepovers, even doing stuff like ouija boards. On one sleepover I went to, we ended up doing a seance. Nothing wrong with doing a bit of experimenting with demons and stuff, lol. Although we did grow up to be paranormal investigators, so I dont think Lori would approve of that.

I also never had sex at a sleepover or watched porn, even though me and 90% of my friends are gay or bi, and we once had two lesbians and a very hot straight girl who both of us liked share a bed, and absolutely no sexy times happened that night. We have also have mixed sex sleepovers at my own house, but mainly my sister as she has more male friends than I do. No sex happened there either. And even if it did (not likely when sharing a room with loads of other people) its better them doing it in their own bed at home instead of losing their virginity in an alleyway behind some trash cans or something.

We ate tons of junk food-one time I had pizza for supper and chocolate for breakfast. Its not like eating nothing but candy just one night will screw up your eating habits forever.

[lilwriter85]

Rachel's daughter is around 13 now. I wonder if they now allow her to go on sleepovers. Rachel and Sean have five other kids.

[danvillebelle]

I've evolved on this issue as my children have aged.

I was molested at a sleepover, unfortunately.

When my kids were little...we just didn't do sleepovers. I was much more fundie-lite then (but Orthodox at the same time, I'm nothing if not eclectic) and honestly, we didn't socialize enough for them to get invites.

Now, my youngest is 12. She and her 15yo sister have made good friends at the Baptist church we've been attending for the last 10 months, and we allow them to sleep over at their best friends' homes. I trust the families enough to keep my anxiety in check. Their friends also sleep over here, regularly.

I am glad they are having the experience now, but honestly, I don't think they missed anything by not having it younger.

[Pam]

Why do these people think that every male is a child molester?

Huh. And here I thought it was only teh evul feminists that are teh man-haterz and believe that all men are rapists.

[GolightlyGrrl]

Huh. And here I thought it was only teh evul feminists that are teh man-haterz and believe that all men are rapists.

But according to fundie logic men molest and rape because girls and women are evil harlots who ask for it.

On-topic: I loved sleep-overs as a kid.

[ari_belle]

I've evolved on this issue as my children have aged.

I was molested at a sleepover, unfortunately.

When my kids were little...we just didn't do sleepovers. I was much more fundie-lite then (but Orthodox at the same time, I'm nothing if not eclectic) and honestly, we didn't socialize enough for them to get invites.

Now, my youngest is 12. She and her 15yo sister have made good friends at the Baptist church we've been attending for the last 10 months, and we allow them to sleep over at their best friends' homes. I trust the families enough to keep my anxiety in check. Their friends also sleep over here, regularly.

I am glad they are having the experience now, but honestly, I don't think they missed anything by not having it younger.

That is awful...I'm so sorry!!!

[doggie]

notice she did not say fathers? more of a indication it is only on attached males that do it. Of course no children ever get molested in christian houses by christian parents.

[Jana814]

Rachel's daughter is around 13 now. I wonder if they now allow her to go on sleepovers. Rachel and Sean have five other kids.

I wonder that too. I remember Rachel on The Real World (back when I used to watch the show). Yes she was raised strickly but she talked about rebeling in college. I wonder if her kids will rebel the way she did.

[docmom]

While I'm sure it's true that some children are molested on sleep-overs, the vast majority of molestation occurs within the family. If you allow your child to sleep over at a relative's house you're actually putting them at higher risk than if they sleep over with a friend- especially at a birthday party with lots of other kids. Also, you can teach your children that their bodies belong to them and if any one touches them in a way they don't like, they have the right to tell them to stop and if they don't to scream bloody murder. I know this won't stop all molestors and I don't say it's ever the child's fault for not fighting back, but I have to believe it would work in a party sleep-over situation.

[cindyluvs24]

I wonder if , when she arrives at 9 pm to pick up her daughter, she tells the host parents that she suspects they are a nest of pedophiles.

[lilwriter85]

I've evolved on this issue as my children have aged.

I was molested at a sleepover, unfortunately.

When my kids were little...we just didn't do sleepovers. I was much more fundie-lite then (but Orthodox at the same time, I'm nothing if not eclectic) and honestly, we didn't socialize enough for them to get invites.

Now, my youngest is 12. She and her 15yo sister have made good friends at the Baptist church we've been attending for the last 10 months, and we allow them to sleep over at their best friends' homes. I trust the families enough to keep my anxiety in check. Their friends also sleep over here, regularly.

I am glad they are having the experience now, but honestly, I don't think they missed anything by not having it younger.

I'm sorry about what happened to you danvillebelle.

[Conuly]

It's not that the sleepovers are such a big deal in and of themselves. We ALL have one or two things we are stricter about than our kid's friends' families are.

Even the fear of molestation, sure, it is overhyped as THE fear, but it does happen.

The trouble is that for people like Lori, the sleepovers are a symptom, a sign of excessive control all over the board. If your kid is having a normal upbringing, but you don't do sleepovers, they're not really missing out, even if all their friends have sleepovers all the time. If you are limiting their chances for socialization, and carefully culling the kids they can play with, and generally not letting them out of your sight, and not allowing them much access to popular culture - then there's the problem.

[Angharad Crewe]

Was wondering the same thing!!

And yet it is feminists who are "misandrist" because they believe that all men are rapists. :roll:

[lilwriter85]

I wonder if , when she arrives at 9 pm to pick up her daughter, she tells the host parents that she suspects they are a nest of pedophiles.

I wondered about that too. I think the parents of the daughter's friends probably accepted early on that Rachel and Sean are strict parents, but I have to wonder if some of the other parents came across that blog posting Rachel did. I can see people being pissed if another parent suspected things about them or had little trust in them.

What also bothered me about Lori and Rachel is that they ignore various circumstances that go in other people's homes. From Lori's blog.

Thankfully, I was never molested but I could see how it could easily happen if there are older brothers in the home, step-fathers, uncles, etc.

It is odd how Lori doesn't include fathers in that. Lori has two sons. I bet she wouldn't have liked years ago if some of her youngest daughter's friends parents viewed her sons as threats. If Lori and others worry about molestation happening during sleepovers shouldn't they be worrying at other times. Like others have mentioned it is wrong to automatically view males as possible sex offenders. But what if they aren't older brothers, uncles, step fathers or fathers in the home during sleepovers. One of my best friends was one of three girls and her father worked mostly third shift(midnight-8 am). Her father wasn't home during sleepovers and I was also friends with another girl whose father traveled frequently for his job.

From the comments section and again I suspect this woman is exagerrating stuff from her husband's career.

Tiffany · 3 hours ago

As the wife of a police officer who has dealt with MANY MANY sex abuse crimes, I can tell you that sleepovers will NEVER be allowed for my children. Even if you know the family extremely well and trust them 110%, you don't know for sure. Maybe one of their other children has a friend of their own sleeping over who you DON'T know everything about. Not only are sleepovers not allowed, but we are extremely cautious about whose houses our children are even allowed to play at. I don't care that a lot of moms in the neighborhood thing I'm weird for my "no going in friends' houses" rule (while they are all out playing in the cul-de-sac). I'd rather be a bit extreme in this area than let the possibility of sex abuse happen to one of my children.

I had sleepovers almost every weekend growing up, and honestly....I had a fantastic time and never got into much trouble. (Although my friends and I probably had inappropriate conversations about sex, which was always wrong information!) My husband grew up with no sleepovers other than once in a while going camping with friends in high school.

As a police officer he has seen so much and had to interview so many sex crime victims, and he always says these things happen in the most innocent of circumstances. It's almost always a person that the parents (and child!) had complete trust in. And most children don't "tell" right away, either so the parents end up sending their children back to the victimizer again. It's a very scary world we live in and I don't think parents can be careful enough when it comes to protecting our children from life changing abuse.

[HoneyBunny]

I wonder if , when she arrives at 9 pm to pick up her daughter, she tells the host parents that she suspects they are a nest of pedophiles.

Well, thank God she picks up her daughter at 9pm, because, don't you know, no child has ever been molested at 8:45pm!

I personally know of only one situation where molestation occurred at a sleepover. It happened to an adult friend when she was a child. And guess what? She was being raised in a fundie-lite family and being repeatedly sexually molested by her own older brother over a period of years. She knew nothing about boundaries, so when she was on a sleepover, her friend's older brother thought it was cool to do the same.

[Hisey]

I don't understand. . . why couldn't the molestation take place before 9 p.m.? Is there a rule that molestation occurs only in the middle of the night.

The sad truth is, this sort of thing can happen at an afternoon playdate, at a school, at day camp. It can happen in the library (I read about this once) where your child is a few aisles over. It can happen when your child uses the bathroom alone in a restroom.

The only "security" I have found is being very involved in your child's life (so you know their friends and their families), and taking measured risks. Also, unlike the lady Lori quoted, I don't think it's hard at all to say Yes to one sleepover and NO to another, and explain the reason why. That's part of the educational process--showing the kids what things set off alarm bells and what things don't.

I am the most anxious and fearful mom inthe world, but I have learned to contain and control it or else I'm going to create scared, fearful kids. And sad ones, too.

Our family rule is that sleepovers are OK so long as we know the family. We are new in our current town, and my kids have made a few friends and been asked to sleepover already. We said no, because we don't know the family well. But in our old town, they went on many, many sleepver because we'd met the parents, had dinner with them, gotten to know them, etc.

My daughter's best friend in our old town had a dad who always seemed tightly wired to me. Over time, we came to learn that he screamed at his kids and wife, and was generally unkind. My daughter understood, quite clearly, why we couldn't allow sleepovers there anymore, or even playdates when the dad was home.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

I hate Lori, but this? Sorry, but I get it. Unfortunately being a survivor puts a different gloss on everything. :/

[copper]

Either this topic is just going around fundiedom in general, or Lori just poaches content off other blogs. This week the 4moms Q&A was on sleepovers and sleep away camps.