What really happens when you report a rape

[meep]

I'm so sorry to hear all these stories. They make me so angry. After I got divorced, my ex-husband took me to dinner and apologized for what an ass he'd been during the divorce process. The dinner went really well, so I let him come in my house afterwards and he started trying to have sex with me. I told him no repeatedly, but rather feebly, because I knew by that point how horrible he could be to me if he got angry with me. He said "I won't, I won't," literally as he was forcing himself inside me. I told one person about this years afterwards, and he said "I'm not sure if I would call that rape." I can't exactly call it that either, and when I brought it up with my ex afterwards he insisted that I'd seduced him and that if I tried to report it, he'd win. I'm sure he would have. The facts of the case were not very strong in my favor. I just knew that I hadn't wanted to have sex, I'd said no, and he did it anyway.

That is rape and it doesn't matter if you seduced him or not. No is no, you told him and he didn't listen. And that ex of yours sounds like a jerk, sorry.

[Syd+Marky]

Me too. :( To all of you who have experienced this, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine. I've been coerced, and it felt like rape, but technically it wasn't.

Rapists seem to be the sickest of criminals--the kind who could easily commit murder. When someone has the idea that they're entitled to another person's body, there is something seriously not right in their head.

Thank you both,sincerely.

I agree they are the sickest of criminals.I also believe that being coerced should be defined as a form of sexual assault.There has to be a way to stop these perpetrators from getting away with using our fear, lack of knowledge,guilt,etc. against us.I get so angry when I hear things like olive plants ex-using the fact that he knew her so well to get what he wanted, and then trying to convince her of a lie about herself afterward!These people are sick and will stop at nothing to get what they want and get away with it.

I didn't realize there were so many women who have been raped or sexually assaulted that weren't sure wether it "counted" or not.No woman should ever have to go through a sexual experience that is any less than loving, mutual, and pleasurable-with neither partner feeling as if too much control is being given or taken.

[ADoyle90815]

That is rape and it doesn't matter if you seduced him or not. No is no, you told him and he didn't listen. And that ex of yours sounds like a jerk, sorry.

I agree, that was rape. Once a woman says, No, it means NO. All too often, the victim is the one put on trial, and the sick person gets off to rape again, and in many cases, murder others. I do believe that people who rape others are quite capable of murder.

[Patsy]

I don't think it's that many cases. If a lot of rapists were murderers we'd have hardly any women. Most out them know how to get away with it, or they don't need to because it's that easy, so no need for murder, and no compulsion - after all, they're doing a pretty normal thing, right? That's what society tells them over and over. So no push to *really* antisocial behaviour, and they didn't need to have a predisposition of it in order to rape someone, because again - it's normal, isn't it? I mean, what do they expect?

[Patsy]

(If this needs clarification, I am posting from the fucked up view of society and rapists, and pointing out that they are often the same - no actual victim blaming or belief that rape is natural or not horrible here)

[KitCatCadillac]

I was raped... I think. It was our second date, he said that intercourse wouldn't be "prudent" but I agreed to oral. I fell off the couch, and put my clothes back on. We continued to kiss, and suddenly his penis was inside of me (without a condom). Even though my underpants were still on (???) Then I went to his bedroom and had sex with him. Because if I said yes afterwards, it wasn't really rape. Went on a third date, because I am so much more clueless and trusting than I ever thought I'd be. Had consensual sex. Then he stuck his dick in my ass while I was asleep. That snapped me out of it right quick. I left in a hurry. He still really has no idea what happened, a year later. My current boyfriend thinks I should file a police report, even now, but knows better that to say so.

[lilith]

I'm so sorry to hear all these stories. They make me so angry. After I got divorced, my ex-husband took me to dinner and apologized for what an ass he'd been during the divorce process. The dinner went really well, so I let him come in my house afterwards and he started trying to have sex with me. I told him no repeatedly, but rather feebly, because I knew by that point how horrible he could be to me if he got angry with me. He said "I won't, I won't," literally as he was forcing himself inside me. I told one person about this years afterwards, and he said "I'm not sure if I would call that rape." I can't exactly call it that either, and when I brought it up with my ex afterwards he insisted that I'd seduced him and that if I tried to report it, he'd win. I'm sure he would have. The facts of the case were not very strong in my favor. I just knew that I hadn't wanted to have sex, I'd said no, and he did it anyway.

That's almost exactly what happened to me, and I've heard at least half a dozen women tell that same story about their exes. I think it's very common, and yes, in my opinion it is rape. It's men who feel rejected and disempowered trying to make themselves feel powerful and reclaim the women who they feel they have a right to.

[Syd+Marky]

I was raped... I think. It was our second date, he said that intercourse wouldn't be "prudent" but I agreed to oral. I fell off the couch, and put my clothes back on. We continued to kiss, and suddenly his penis was inside of me (without a condom). Even though my underpants were still on (???) Then I went to his bedroom and had sex with him. Because if I said yes afterwards, it wasn't really rape. Went on a third date, because I am so much more clueless and trusting than I ever thought I'd be. Had consensual sex. Then he stuck his dick in my ass while I was asleep. That snapped me out of it right quick. I left in a hurry. He still really has no idea what happened, a year later. My current boyfriend thinks I should file a police report, even now, but knows better that to say so.

IMO, you were raped.More than once.

[Peppercorn]

These stories are heartbreaking. Makes me so angry to think of all the thoughtless and cruel people who spew their poison about "real" rape, without sparing one ounce of empathy for the courage and will most women need just to survive.

[BravaAmica]

I was raped at 17 and fell pregnant. I did not tell the police. This was the mid-80s in a conservative town and I was a Goth. I did not want to deal with their bullshit. I only told my parents because I fell pregnant and needed one of them to take me to Planned Parenthood a couple of cities over. What I did do was show up at the rapist's place of employment after he clocked out with two guy friends- who convinced him to withdraw the money from the ATM for the abortion. Then they held him while I kicked the shit out of him. I have no regrets about doing that. None at all. the police do jack shit for rape victims. Kicking the shit out of him was the closest I was going to get for any kind of retribution.

[chaotic life]

I was two weeks shy of 16. In fact, I got a positive pregnancy test for my 16th birthday. He was the youth minister's son. I wouldn't have told anyone had I not ended up pregnant. For my effort for telling my parents, I got a humiliating rape exam nearly a month after the fact in an ER and shipped to the other side of the country for the duration of the pregnancy. One parent demanded I abort, and threatened to take me to my rapist if I attempted to come home still pregnant. The other parent coerced me to carry the child, because she wanted the child.

The only person who truly believed me was my aunt who offered some safety and non-judgmental shelter for awhile. She too was raped in college and understood that date rape is absolutely rape.

My rapist is now the youth minister at the very church where he raped me. I discovered then that I was his 6th victim because I accidentally ran into victims 2, 3 and 4. Well, 5 wasn't *quite* a victim. He only attempted to rape her because her father caught him and threatened him with a shotgun. Since it was only attempted, she didn't report and none of the others reported because he was a youth minister's son and they were all date rapes while on dates with the creep.

I've often wondered how many victims have come after me. The first thing that was said to me when I DID tell my parents was that I had been asking for it. Society in general has only treated me better because while exiled I started researching and learning about rape and the mentality of rapists. I became a survivor and I GOT MAD. I don't permit ANYONE to blame me for what happened to me. I don't permit anyone to blame rape victims in general, not anywhere I can hear it. I've been loud and vocal about what happened to me--except from the legal front.

I had no support from my family to report, and the creep was stalking me, telling me that God had promised me to him and I merely needed to realize I belonged to him. I was dearly afraid if he knew about the child he would see that as further proof of his possession. I kept quiet on the legal front because I needed to protect that child. I DID tell the church elders, very loudly and aggressively. However, one of those very elders is still the elder there and was four years ago when DH searched and discovered my rapist is now the youth minister there. What a lovely hunting ground for him to claim more victims.

[chaotic life]

Well fuck, googled my rapist after writing this and learned as of May he's a father. Terrific. Poor baby boy. I would say perhaps that child's mother will raise him better, but she married a repetitive rapist who masquerades as a good, solid Christian so I won't hold much hope for that option. Still spouting the good Christian shit too, unbelievable.

Even more disgusting--the mother is nearly the same age as the child conceived from my rape, so yes he knocked up and married a girl nearly young enough to be his own daughter. I can wonder if he date raped and stalked her and she was too unsupported to understand to RUN like so many before her finally. :ew:

[KitCatCadillac]

IMO, you were raped.More than once.

Thanks for the validation. I know that it was rape, and I also know that it would never hold water in a courtroom. The thing that bums me out is that SO MANY of my peers (early to mid twenties) wouldn't think he did anything wrong. An attitude that makes it so easy to victimize women. Yuck.

[lizziesmom]

Or when you do report it, even with a conviction, you become a national news story and are outed by Fox News. Thousands of people condem you and support the two football players involved.