Courtship Questions

[homeschoolmomma1]

I was bored while my kids were swimming and I was just googling random topics and this wonderful blog with questions came up.

I wonder if Jim Bob and Michelle asked questions like this? Also, have you seen any other fundies post questions like this?

/yoursacredcalling.com/blog/courtship-questions-for-potential-suitors/

My favorites are...

Does your father have any medical or mental problems that could affect you or your children?

Does your mother have any medical or mental problems that could affect you or your children?

How many siblings do you have? What are their names, ages, cities of residence? Can you describe your relationship with each of your siblings?

Edited to break link - lilith

[MarthaMarcyMayMarlen]

I read them. Dang, that's a lot of questions!

[meep]

I know there are entire books written on questions parents should ask "suitors" before/during courtships and they can get really detailed and disturbing.

[Just_Jane]

I think some questions are fair to ask like someone view of adoption or how many kids they want. Also money issues are important as finances often cause many fights. I'd say that most of this info can be found out in a more casual way and over a period of time that isn't awkward. But I suppose that would be considered dating then. Some of those questions are highly personal and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them until I knew the person more. Knowing the time of the average courtship this seems more like an aggressive job interview.

[stonefruit]

oh lord have mercy, Stacy McDonald. She's among my least favorite fundies.

[Guest Anonymous]

Oh, this is so much fun! I already have a few favourites:

•Are you honest? Do you ever slant the truth for your own benefit?

Yes, of course I'm honest! :liar:

•Are you ever manipulative of others?

No, of course not! 8-)

•What tendencies do you have toward prejudice or racism?

This kind of assumes that everyone has tendencies towards racism, etc., it's just a question of which tendencies and whether those tendencies are acceptable. When you ask "What is your favourite flavour of ice cream?", the assumption is that the person likes ice cream.

•Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

How do you get 'exposed' to homosexuality? Is it having a gay neighbour? Watching Will & Grace? Being indoctrinated with the gay agenda at one of our super-gay training centres?

[louisa05]

I think some questions are fair to ask like someone view of adoption or how many kids they want. Also money issues are important as finances often cause many fights. I'd say that most of this info can be found out in a more casual way and over a period of time that isn't awkward. But I suppose that would be considered dating then. Some of those questions are highly personal and I know I wouldn't feel comfortable asking them until I knew the person more. Knowing the time of the average courtship this seems more like an aggressive job interview.

Except that the intention of this list is that the girl's PARENTS do the asking. Some of these things definitely should be discussed between a couple before marriage, but not between half the couple and the other one's parents. If you are old enough for marriage, you should be old enough to navigate these issues for yourself.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Well, after reading that list, I can safely say I could never court that woman's daughter.

[JMarie]

There were two responses asking about what exposure to homosexuality meant, but of course Stacy didn't answer them. And then there's this beauty:

Stacy McDonald says:

Friday, August 20, 2010 at 8:30 pm

If a young man, once he approaches a father, should be prepared to win the young lady to marry him, he can hardly help his heart being committed to a degree to be ready to do that.

Hi Melanie,

I’ve thought about this too. It does seem to be a little tougher on the guys. But, we counsel parents with sons (and young men, themselves) to view every young lady (even those they think may make a good wife) as sisters in Christ and potentially “someone else’s wife.†While the courtship period is certainly a time to build a friendship, it is primarily a time to intellectually and spiritually determine if this young woman will be someone he can love and safely trust in – someone he would be willing to sacrifice for. It is not a time of romance and unrestrained emotion. He still must guard his heart from lust and close emotional attachment. She may in fact be some other man’s future wife. And his future wife may be somewhere awaiting him, hoping that he is guarded and faithful.

This is all easier said than done, I realize. But we have seen courtships that did not end in marriage (we consider these successful courtships as well); and, when hearts were guarded during this time, everyone is thankful.

If the purpose of courtship is to get married, and a marriage doesn't occur, implying that the couple broke up, how is the courtship still considered successful??

[MissA]

Well, obviously this would be obnoxious. But you have to ask this sort of question when the goal is to to meet, engage in completely supervised interaction for the next three months, and then marry.

Unlike "dating", there's no possibility of sitting up watching crappy movies and telling the sad story of your brother's developing schizophrenia, or getting drunk and ranting about how much you don't get along with your dad, or going to a restaurant and seeing them get infuriated and berate a waitress over the autogratuity.

It's a stupid way to go about it but once you've imposed all these other bs restrictions on yourself, you pretty much HAVE to try something like this or you will be going into marriage absolutely blind.

And because I love you guys here is Michael Pearl's interpretation of the same thing.

nogreaterjoy.org/articles/dads-daughter/

[curlytoes79]

"Do you smoke? Do you travel with your job? Do you have a weight problem? Do you suck dicks? Are you a peter pumper? Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke piece of shit, or did you have to work on it?"

I can just see the questioner morphing into the drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket.

[Val78]

Ya, things that should come up

In conversation between the two courting. Not the parents, because other tha. Raising their kid right...they kinda should keep their nose out of it...

[sparkles]

Interesting that she completely ignored two commenters who asked her to clarify exactly what she meant by "exposure" to homosexuality. Passing a gay person in the street? Having a gay relative? Being a (not) XGay like Greg? What exactly?

A lot if those questions are good ones. But only when asked by the two supposed adults directly involved in the relationship.

[Tangy Bee]

Those questions are a load of crap! Can these people read minds or something? Do they honestly think "all" guys will actually tell the truth about "everything"? The goal is to make a good impression without looking too perfect. Everyone has flaws. I don't believe a guy would actually talk about an aunt, on his mom's side that has bipolar. Oh, and his dad has type 2 diabetes which can be hereditary. Are they looking for some genetically engineered, christian man with NO issues?

[Val78]

Are they looking for some genetically engineered, christian man with NO issues?

Most likely? With excellent pedigree & parents;)

[mlady]

I stand by my belief that if your parents need to ask your bf/gf questions like this you need to wait until you are out of middle school to start dating.

[miffy]

It's like they are employing a senior executive!! Where is the romance guys?!?

[Green Glass]

I would be extremely displeased if the parents of someone I was hoping to date (or "court"... which I guess is the problem here) began asking me a long list of personal questions, including ones about my health (NONE of their business - would they write someone off if they had health problems? Is that in the Bible somewhere?) and in-depth personal questions about my parents' beliefs. If someone started asking me these right off the bat I'd get up and leave. I can't imagine.

[Justme]

Good! Let 'em keep asking these questions! The less fundies that marry the better. The "movement" will either have to change or will die out. 8-)

[uber frau]

The ironic thing is that James asked all of these questions to Tiffany's first bloke, got satisfactory answers, wrote the mother of all sanctimonious articles saying that betrothal was as sacred as marriage and couples that broke it were as good as divorced (ie one sin less than having an abortion in fundydom), only to have his daughter give her betrothed the flick as soon as she worked up the courage (or came to senses, I'm not sure which).

Anyway, it totally worked for him.... :roll:

[formergothardite]

I'm sure one of Jim Bob's first questions is: "Are you willing to have your entire life put on television? Are your parents and siblings willing to do the same?"

[keen23]

I'm sure one of Jim Bob's first questions is: "Are you willing to have your entire life put on television? Are your parents and siblings willing to do the same?"

Followed by "Since you are going to get so much exposure and free advertising for your ministry/business/church that I expect 20% of your earnings for the next five years as a finders fee."

[curlytoes79]

Those questions are a load of crap! Can these people read minds or something? Do they honestly think "all" guys will actually tell the truth about "everything"?

Exactly...I could totally BS my way through this interview if I wanted to, and they'd never catch me. I've just got good interviewing skills. But it's harder to keep up a front if you've been dating someone for a long time. Sooner or later you're going to figure out if the guy has a bad temper, or doesn't respect women, or has no ambition in life, or whatever, because it's harder to cover that up for an extensive period.

Dating someone and getting to know him is the way to go. Don't do a BS interview and court for 2 months and think you know the person inside and out.

[razingruth]

One thing that gets under noted is the fact that girls also can receive questionaires from their potential spouses family. I know I had to answer a bunch of questions from his mother and father. Some of the questions I was asked were:

Do you ever have doubts about the practice of obeying a headship?

Do you ever have doubts about God's plan for marriage and family? (this one always seemed vague)

Do you ever have doubts about trusting the Lord with the size and timing of your family?

Would you promise God and your husband to raise your children for the Lord?

What does raising children for the Lord mean to you?

What discipline practices did you learn growing up? Would you change any of them?

If your husband disagreed with the way you were disciplining a child, would you trust him or trust your own judgement?

If your husband was having a difficult time providing for your family, would you trust God and your husband to figure it out? Or, would you go to work?

How do you think marital disagreements to be settled?

Would you seek counsel from secular or church sources or the Bible to help solve your differences?

Do you believe a woman should try to look nice for her husband when she greets him after work?

Do you believe a woman should have meals ready when her husband gets home?

Do you believe a woman should pack lunches for her husband?

Do you believe a woman should do the domestic chores?

Would you expect your spouse to help with indoor domestic chores?

Do you have a family history of depression or mental illness?

Do you have medical problems? Do you have a family history of medical problems?

Was your mother a Titus woman?

Was your mother a Godly mother?

There were more. I believe there were about 100. Some of them were incredibly personal and intrusive and some of them really struck me as questions that would be fodder for rumor mills. Like, "How often were your parents publicly romantic?" WTF? To be fair, some were questions that all couples SHOULD talk about. But, these questions weren't things to be talked about with the courting couple or between the courting couple, they were an interview for the parents to conduct with potential mates of their children. That's where the whole, "We will guide you and help you find God's chosen one" comes in. If mom or dad disapprove, you won't ever get to the point where you develop feelings.

I don't think all ATI/QF families follow these rigid interviews, but it is highly recommended by the people at the top.

[Cheetah]

I once met the grandmother of a guy I was dating in college. She kind of gave me the once-over, nicely, and then told me that I had very nice teeth. I felt like I was being inspected to be a brood mare or something...