Courtship Questions

[JesusFightClub]

I couldn't answer most of these questions!

Have you ever been exposed to homosexuality? If so, explain the extent and the circumstances.

What does this even mean? That you know some of Teh Gheyz, that you've heard of it, that you have seen some ancient Greek vase art?

What is your view of the Sabbath and the proper use of that day? What activities can children enjoy on the Sabbath?

What can they do? Anything they put their wee minds to, in my experience. What

should

they do is rather a different question.

Do you have a teachable spirit? Can you cite any examples?

What the fuck does that even mean? Talking in Christianese I suppose weeds out other people who don't talk Christianese, but she should consider that jargon is a very good cover for lies...

Do you raise your voice when angry?

Do you have any personal habits that might annoy others?

Is there anyone who doesn't raise their voice when angry, and has no personal habits that could annoy anyone, anywhere?

What is your general attitude toward civil government?

Well, I do like it when they're polite...

If “your†daughter were marrying “you,†what cautions would you have?

"Sorry, sweetheart, it's illegal".

:angry-banghead:

I'd caution these guys that anyone who can lie their way fluently through these is less likely to be a perfect Christian saint and more likely to be a psychopath.

[JMarie]

It's like they are employing a senior executive!! Where is the romance guys?!?

Romance? There's no romance in courtship. Stacy said so:

Stacy McDonald says:

Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Cindy,

We have two daughter married through courtship, and one in a courtship. All three have kept their “sparks†at bay until the proper time. Think about what “falling†in love implies. There’s no decision to love involved. It has more to do with hormones and lust than it does with wisely choosing a husband/wife. “Falling†in love implies that we are being led by our flesh.

I am NOT saying that physical attraction has no place in courtship. If there is no physical attraction at all, there could very well be problems later. I just think sometimes we place too much of emphasis on “butterflies.†Feelings and physical attraction can be deceiving. I had plenty of “butterflies†around numerous guys throughout high school, and it certainly didn’t mean any of them were “the one.†:-) And the “butterflies†I have for my husband now (and yes, I still get them!) are more powerful and consistent. ;-)

I do see what you are saying, and again, I think (restrained) physical attraction is part of the equation, but so far “butterflies†haven’t been a problem in any of our daughters’ relationships. Typically, it’s the other way around. ;-)

[2xx1xy1JD]

Exactly...I could totally BS my way through this interview if I wanted to, and they'd never catch me. I've just got good interviewing skills. But it's harder to keep up a front if you've been dating someone for a long time. Sooner or later you're going to figure out if the guy has a bad temper, or doesn't respect women, or has no ambition in life, or whatever, because it's harder to cover that up for an extensive period.

Dating someone and getting to know him is the way to go. Don't do a BS interview and court for 2 months and think you know the person inside and out.

ITA.

I know people in my community who have gone through this style of dating - match suggested, research done, interview-style dating, reference checks, engagement, marriage.

Sometimes it works, esp. if the spouses either knew each other or had enough connections to find out about the other person.

Sometimes it doesn't, and someone feels that they got into something that they weren't expecting. In some cases, you get the feeling that someone isn't committing to an actual person, but to a list of attributes.

Sometimes, it can cause some rather warped community dynamics. If you know that there will be questions about not only you but your entire family, if you know that physical and mental health will be questioned, there is an incentive to hide problems and to avoid getting therapy even when it is sorely needed, since a child with a problem could be seen as poisoning the chances of their siblings getting a good marriage.

Sometimes, people have a misplaced faith in "magical questions", and think that it is possible that the right few questions will somehow reveal the person's character and potential success of the match. I'll be very honest: I don't think that the perfect magical question exists, and I know for a fact that I cannot magically judge someone's character by an interview and simple reference check. I know that I'm sometimes wrong in my initial assessment of someone. I remember when we were once called since a friend gave us as a dating reference. The questions were all about religious details. We answered as best as we could, and then wondered how this woman could possibly use that information. If she had spent any time with the guy and casually hung out with us, she would have learned far more - about his psycho ex-wife, his loving but complicated relationship with his kids, the way that he would use bluster to cover up insecurity, the way that he would criticize the religious observance of others but ignore the rules when it came to his sex life, etc.

Bottom line: it's hard to get to know someone without actually getting to know them.

[Odd1Out]

Wouldn't any prospective husband, that the father would think good enough to interview, pretty much have been told exactly how to answer these his whole life. I'm just saying, if a guy is going the courtship route, of course he's going to say exactly what the father wants to hear. So really, if all the guys are giving the same answers, how does that say whether or not he and the girl will be a good couple. You could really just pick any one girl and one guy and say "you're perfect for each other" because every single one of them is going to have the same answer. It's so stupid.

[Mela99]

Hmm... is it wrong that my immediate thought on the prejudice and racism issue was that they probably encourage such thoughts?

[Culottes]

The very personal nature of these questions just screams to the fact that these people are stangers! Why on earth would you let a virtual stranger express interest in marrying your child? But I guess these questions are in lieu of the "normal" time that two consenting adults spend in each other's company prior to making a commitment to each other.

That being said, my personal favorite was, "Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and children? How do you feel about guns?" Let's hope they live in a state that allows concealed carry of weapons.

[fundiefun]

FJites for those of you with sons who are considered of courting age how do you think they would answer on this interrogation I mean interview. It would be interesting to see non fundie guys answer because those would be real genuine answers.

[lilith]

Romance? There's no romance in courtship. Stacy said so:

Stacy McDonald says:

Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 1:49 pm

Cindy,

We have two daughter married through courtship, and one in a courtship. All three have kept their “sparks†at bay until the proper time. Think about what “falling†in love implies. There’s no decision to love involved. It has more to do with hormones and lust than it does with wisely choosing a husband/wife. “Falling†in love implies that we are being led by our flesh.

I am NOT saying that physical attraction has no place in courtship. If there is no physical attraction at all, there could very well be problems later. I just think sometimes we place too much of emphasis on “butterflies.†Feelings and physical attraction can be deceiving. I had plenty of “butterflies†around numerous guys throughout high school, and it certainly didn’t mean any of them were “the one.†:-) And the “butterflies†I have for my husband now (and yes, I still get them!) are more powerful and consistent. ;-)

I do see what you are saying, and again, I think (restrained) physical attraction is part of the equation, but so far “butterflies†haven’t been a problem in any of our daughters’ relationships. Typically, it’s the other way around. ;-)

Somebody needs to tell this to Erin and Chad. They are full of gushing "I love you"s and pet names and excitement, and you can feel the sexual tension between them just by looking at photos. They certainly aren't holding their love or emotions back until they are officially engaged, and if something was to happen to make them break up I'm sure they would both be devastated.

[lovemygsp]

I'm pretty sure kreative kristina did this. I remember a blog post about how they kept their ruler between them while asking questions.

[Flossie]

That being said, my personal favorite was, "Can you tell me your thoughts on how a man should protect a wife and children? How do you feel about guns?" Let's hope they live in a state that allows concealed carry of weapons.

A really well-prepared fundi man-child could have a lot of fun with that question.

"Are you talking about how I'd protect my family's hearts? How I'd protect their spiritual development? Protect them from the ebil public school system? Or the right-wing liberals? The gays? PBS? Protect them from the forces of nature? Or maybe protect them financially? Or are you talking about protecting their health?

Oh, you're asking about if someone wanted to break into my crowded single-wide and do us harm? No problem, I'll blow them away and pray for their soul later.

BTW, are you going to help me pay for the lawyer I'll need to defend me if I accidentally shoot the mailman because he has a registered letter I need to sign for when I lose my land because I'm a doofas who can't earn enough to pay for the land I pulled the 30 year old single-wide onto? Any government employee who comes to my door obviously needs to be shot!"

[nolongerIFBx]

The very personal nature of these questions . . .

Just had to let you know that those culottes would never pass dress check. You must have a modesty pleat in the front and back. Please see images for what your culottes need to look like before you will be allowed out of your cabin.

http://www.lazydaisy.org/images/culotte ... 0pleat.jpg

http://www.modestapparelusa.com/media/c ... y1_1_3.jpg

http://www.heartsandhome.com/hearts/upl ... 733543.jpg

And if you truly want to be Godly- http://hookpublications.com/wp-content/ ... Misses.gif - you sew a skirt over the culottes.

Sorry for the thread jack but God laid it on my heart to share this vicious sniping, I mean Godly counsel, with Culottes so that she will be more pleasing to Bill's eye, no, uh, to God!

[meep]

Those questions are a load of crap! Can these people read minds or something? Do they honestly think "all" guys will actually tell the truth about "everything"? The goal is to make a good impression without looking too perfect. Everyone has flaws. I don't believe a guy would actually talk about an aunt, on his mom's side that has bipolar. Oh, and his dad has type 2 diabetes which can be hereditary. Are they looking for some genetically engineered, christian man with NO issues?

Yes. In their belief, if you're a TRUE Christian, you never have bad things ever happen to you. If you do, that means you are doing something wrong and need to repent.

[MissBeaufort]

One thing that gets under noted is the fact that girls also can receive questionaires from their potential spouses family. I know I had to answer a bunch of questions from his mother and father. Some of the questions I was asked were:

Do you ever have doubts about the practice of obeying a headship?

Do you ever have doubts about God's plan for marriage and family? (this one always seemed vague)

Do you ever have doubts about trusting the Lord with the size and timing of your family?

Would you promise God and your husband to raise your children for the Lord?

What does raising children for the Lord mean to you?

What discipline practices did you learn growing up? Would you change any of them?

If your husband disagreed with the way you were disciplining a child, would you trust him or trust your own judgement?

If your husband was having a difficult time providing for your family, would you trust God and your husband to figure it out? Or, would you go to work?

How do you think marital disagreements to be settled?

Would you seek counsel from secular or church sources or the Bible to help solve your differences?

Do you believe a woman should try to look nice for her husband when she greets him after work?

Do you believe a woman should have meals ready when her husband gets home?

Do you believe a woman should pack lunches for her husband?

Do you believe a woman should do the domestic chores?

Would you expect your spouse to help with indoor domestic chores?

Do you have a family history of depression or mental illness?

Do you have medical problems? Do you have a family history of medical problems?

Was your mother a Titus woman?

Was your mother a Godly mother?

There were more. I believe there were about 100. Some of them were incredibly personal and intrusive and some of them really struck me as questions that would be fodder for rumor mills. Like, "How often were your parents publicly romantic?" WTF? To be fair, some were questions that all couples SHOULD talk about. But, these questions weren't things to be talked about with the courting couple or between the courting couple, they were an interview for the parents to conduct with potential mates of their children. That's where the whole, "We will guide you and help you find God's chosen one" comes in. If mom or dad disapprove, you won't ever get to the point where you develop feelings.

I don't think all ATI/QF families follow these rigid interviews, but it is highly recommended by the people at the top.

Iiiinteresting. There seems to be such a curious mix of the banal (packing lunches) and vague questions about godly character- like some kind of desperate attempt to cover all of the bases, as others have noted.