What if your child turns fundie...

[jjmennonite]

My brother's kids got 'saved' when they were in grade 8 or 9 and that freaked me the hell out. My brother, by coincidence, married another mennonite, and they raised their girls with out much of any religious beliefs. The girls went to Pentacostal church with their friends and 'found the Lord'. One of them went on to university and joined Campus Crusade for Christ, and went to Africa to convert university students there - she raised $4000 in six weeks, just by writing to her mom and dad's uncles and aunts, who are almost all practising Mennonites. The trip turned out to be her un-conversion, instead of the conversion of the university kids in Africa. She was able to see these other kids had perfectly great lives and already had their own beliefs and did not need to find Jesus. She went on to become a lawyer, and is about to move in with her boyfriend.

My other neice has 3 kids under 4, was likely a virgin when she married, and is back at Pentacostel church, but pretty open minded, and is stopping having kids. I just hope her daughter's night terrors are not caused by shit she learns in Sunday school.

I was pretty freaked out by my neices' conversions, so I made sure to always tell my daughter what I believed, and emphasized that any religion that will send you to hell if you don't believe like them is pretty horrid. She ended up hanging out with lots of born-again christians - maybe because she was not much of a partier. From early ages, I always fed her lots of propaganda about higher education - doesn't matter if it is trade school or university, she must get a career. She is now finished 3rd year university. I work at a university and could have got her a 30% discount on tuition, and she could have lived here, and been debt free at graduation. However, I taught her that she makes her own choices, and she chose to move away and live in a dorm and get student loans, and I supported her choice.

Thread derail, but I believe this choice was very good for both of us, emotionally. We are a family of 2 and so our relationship is pretty intense, so it is very important for her to be away 8 months of the year. It is AWESOME for me to live without her, and then be very happy for her company when she comes home each May.

I do think I had a great deal of influence over her not becoming Fundie, by always expressing my opinion of people who say their way is the only way to avoid hell. If she turned fundie, I would do as Rosa said.

[lawlifelgbt]

I laughed so hard I spit water out of my nose! See, I don't have any kids yet, but we're thinking about trying in the next 4-5 years after we get established. I say "trying," because actually having kids will be expensive, invasive, and require what we just don't have as a lesbian couple. So it's practically impossible to comprehend them going fundie because of how they'll grow up! However, if they did, I would be really hurt, because that would likely mean they'd be saying how they grew up with two moms damaged them and how we were "abominations."

[curlytoes79]

I would do everything possible to convince her to stay in school and get her degree, but ultimately it would be her decision. Would definitely not allow her to freeload off me while waiting for Fundy Prince Charming, though. If she's old enough to make this kind of decision against all better judgment, she's old enough to take care of herself.

[Marianne]

First, I would call the monitoring service national sects to know if the movement is considered as a sect or dangerous religous movement. If it is, I would take contact with associations of families of sect member to help my child. If it is not, I would do the same.

Second, I would speak with my childrens about this.

But... I don't thing I would stay in contact with thim. There are plenty of things that I would accept by my child. But they become pro-life, pro-FN (National Front, equivalent of Romney), no. His ancestors died for democracy, freedom, atheism, etc ... It must be respected. Ii's all.

[mebeforee]

I have had friends go fundie, and I kind of treated them like people who are in domestic violence situations: be supportive of their selves (not their beliefs, but their selves - you have good judgement, you deserve good treatment, you are a smart person - abusers tear their victims down in exactly the way hell and brimstone fundie preachers & patriarchs do, so they don't feel able/deserving of leaving). And wait, and hope. And be prepared to help when they decide they want out.

This is probably why things worked out so well with my brother. I wasn't sure how to articulate it, but you've said it perfectly. My parents (and grandparents and me and my other brother) accepted and loved HIM, even when he knew we didn't understand or necessarily agree with his religious lifestyle. I had been thinking about this thread and brought it up last night with my dad over dinner, and he basically said "there's a certain point when you can't choose for another person. he's an adult, he makes his own choices" etc. We also agreed that my brother had probably wanted out for awhile before he actually took his leave of the church he was in. And we discussed the differences between the different churches in our area - because the one my brother happened to join was VERY different from most of the other fundie/evangelical churches in the area. I think that's something to keep in mind, too. Even if you don't want to, I think it's very valuable for a parent/sibling to go to their loved one's church at least once. There can be a huge difference in tone between them, and I know that some of the later churches my bro was involved with were much more open and loving, as opposed to the 'welcoming at a cost' that some of the previous churches had been. It is absolutely possible for a somewhat fundie church to teach love, even when most of them are screaming all the fire and brimstone bullshit. So it's worth it to find out what the particular church in question is teaching.

[stairway to heaven]

I know someone who went full blown Quiverfull shortly after college and a short marriage/divorce. She was at a very vulnerable point in her life and had grown up in a somewhat dysfunctional home with no strong female role models. The pull of having someone tell you they KNOW how you should live when you are struggling to figure out who you are has to be very strong.

Vicki Garrison on "No Longer Quivering" has said she believes that there is something already "broken" in people who are attracted to this way of life. Fundamentalism manipulates people by pushing the buttons of that brokenness.

As for the young woman I knew her journey into that life caused her and everyone around her a great deal of pain and had a very bad ending. Love your kids and know that what you do has an impact on them. Accept them for who they are rather than who might want them to be.

[Arete]

I don't have kids, but the only things that would cause me to break contact with one of my niblings is similar to Rosa and JFC

1- You will not cross a picket line

2- You will not be a fascist

It's how their mothers and I were raised. We could have done any number of unsavory things by my Dad's standards (and did) and we still were able to count on his love. Not those two. Never.

[uber frau]

Vicki Garrison on "No Longer Quivering" has said she believes that there is something already "broken" in people who are attracted to this way of life. Fundamentalism manipulates people by pushing the buttons of that brokenness.

I agree with this for the most part. Then there are some (mostly men) who are attracted to power. Most of them are content to just control their own little fiefdom, bit occasionally you get ppl like Stephen Hammer: I think he's just extremely ambitious and Fundyism appeals to his ambition and his arrogance. I think he'll make himself believe it for as long as it is useful to him. If the day ever comes where he ever judges it to be more of a hindrance than a help in achieving his long term goals, he'll drop it like a hot.potato.

[idonthaveajname]

I'll ask my parents. Both my sisters turned fundie. I, on the other hand, am about the most liberal person in my entire state.

We grew up in an extremely conservative Baptist church. Lots of "you are going to Hell if you do XYZ" and women could not wear pants or shorts or go swimming. At church we learned you were not supposed to watch t.v. or dance. We did all of this, even had a swimming pool at our home. Maybe it was all the mixed messages? :)

[GenerationCedarchip]

I agree with this for the most part. Then there are some (mostly men) who are attracted to power. Most of them are content to just control their own little fiefdom, bit occasionally you get ppl like Stephen Hammer: I think he's just extremely ambitious and Fundyism appeals to his ambition and his arrogance. I think he'll make himself believe it for as long as it is useful to him. If the day ever comes where he ever judges it to be more of a hindrance than a help in achieving his long term goals, he'll drop it like a hot.potato.

That is exactly my read on Stephen Hammer. It's also part of what makes me worry for Meredith because I think if there comes a day that she hinders his goals, he'll drop her, too.

[dairyfreelife]

I really don't see this happening with any of my kids because they've been raised to be critical thinkers and at this point two of the three say they're atheist and the other has Methodist grandparents on her dad's side and is only 6. I've always told my kids that they're free to make their own decisions regarding God and religion. I mean it. That's how I was raised. If my daughter grows up and becomes fundie, I'll deal. Given her already high level of critical thinking, I don't see it happening. She's so independent. So if she starts making those noises I'll probably try to talk her out of it but I'll respect her decision.

Yeah...that's very naive of you. That's buying the lie that only stupid people fall into cults. Numerous intelligent people fall into them all the time. Cults prey on the vulnerable. I like to think I'm a rather logical person and a critical thinker. I am super independent and always have been. I still fell into the fundie trap. My logic is likely what helped me not stay long term, but smart people get sucked in. I doubt your children will become fundamentalists or fall into a cult, but don't kid yourself that your children are "too smart" to believe in the nonsense. One weak time in their life can find them prey.