A Blog Post Against Created to be His Help Meet

[debrand]

I thought that this would be a good thread to go with M. Pearl's book for men. This is his wife's version of advice for women and it was written several years ago. On the defunct 7xSunday, Rebekah wrote that she helped with this book.

The writer of this blog is Christian and I was pleasantly surprised that he spoke out against the book. Most of the answers are positive and thankful that he wrote the article. However, near the bottom of the comments there are a few of the usual knee jerk, hysterical defenders of the Pearls. One thing that depressed me when I was a Christian was the number of my fellow believers who wanted scriptural proof that something was right or wrong-including the Pearls. You find that type of defense among Pearl supporters. I don't need to search the bible to know that beating babies or women is wrong,

http://www.challies.com/book-reviews/cr ... -help-meet

Here is an example from early in the book: “A few years back, there was an overweight hillbilly woman who worked in the local store in our hometown ... this woman was ugly, I mean hillbilly ugly, which is worse than regular ugly.†Not surprisingly, this woman does not end up being the hero of the short story Pearl tells of her. First she mocks her ugly appearance, and then her ugly demeanor.

and

For women who struggle with accepting their husband’s sexual advances she offers this counsel: “Don’t talk to me about menopause; I know all about menopause, and it is a lame excuse. Don’t talk to me about how uncomfortable or painful it is for you. Do you think your body is special and has special needs? Do you know who created you, and do you know he is the same God who expects you to freely give sex to your husband? Stop the excuses!†This is always a difficult and sensitive issue, yet Pearl offers not a trace of sympathy and absolutely no grace.

and

To one woman she says that if her husband sexually handles their children, that woman must call the authorities (wise!), but then she tells her that she ought to bring the children to visit their father in prison three to four times a year (potentially extremely unwise depending on the situation!). Not only this, but she tells the wife that is she does this, it will certainly win her husband to the Lord so once he is released, they can get on with life. This is far too terse and has far too little nuance to be at all helpful.

and

She quietly warns women away from close friendships with anyone but her husband, suggesting that for a woman to bond with another woman in this way is “a perverted expression of woman satisfying woman.â€

[debrand]

There aren't that many defenders of the Pearls until later in the comments

Rachel • 9 months ago −

I agree with Ethan - your review of this book is very unjust, and just as harsh as you accuse Debi Pearl of being! I read this book early in my marriage and it was tremendously helpful. My husband and I have the most incredible marriage I have ever seen, and it is partly due to writers like Debi - who are perhaps unconventional and unpolished but are not afraid to speak the truth. Which is unfortunately not the case with most preachers and teachers on this continent of cowards. As a woman, I find it terribly frustrating to be seeking truth and wisdom in this area and instead finding teachers avoiding and even apologizing about (for God??) this subject. I think every sermon I have ever heard on wifely submission has started with an elaborate series of apologies! Cowards! Don't apologize for the word of God! Debi's tenacity and unwavering commitment to her husband and her role as a mentor are what set her apart and make her work so valuable. Women have a God-given responsibility to be as helpful, attractive, respectful, and fun to their husbands as possible and Debi does an excellent job in driving this point home and showing practical ways of doing it. While her book is not infallible, it is a precious resource and does not even resemble the picture you have painted!!

The underlined part interested me because years ago, a statement from Rebekah Pearl's defense of her parents had a similar expression

http://therighttobewrong.blogspot.com/2 ... olish.html

I am 32 years old, married and the mother of three children. I am the happiest person I know, and my life is full of fruit; my own three very happy, balanced children who are completely sound in body and mind.

Most people don't claim to have the best marriage or happiest life that they ever seen or known. I don't know if Rachel is Rebekah but those hyperbolic statements seem similar to me.

[louisa05]

The underlined part interested me because years ago, a statement from Rebekah Pearl's defense of her parents had a similar expression

http://therighttobewrong.blogspot.com/2 ... olish.html

Most people don't claim to have the best marriage or happiest life that they ever seen or known. I don't know if Rachel is Rebekah but those hyperbolic statements seem similar to me.

In my observations, it seems that those who do run around proclaiming how happy their marriage is and how perfect their relationship is are the most unhappy. We know couples who constantly put crap on Facebook about how wonderful their spouses are but we know for a fact that in real life, they barely spend time together and fight when they do.

[So Says I]

In my observations, it seems that those who do run around proclaiming how happy their marriage is and how perfect their relationship is are the most unhappy. We know couples who constantly put crap on Facebook about how wonderful their spouses are but we know for a fact that in real life, they barely spend time together and fight when they do.

This. Also, if women followers of the Pearls are discouraged from being close to anyone aside from their headships, they may not really know anyone else or how happy they may be. Their own marriage may be crappy and possibly abusive, but they think that's how it is supposed to be. Yikes.

[debrand]

This. Also, if women followers of the Pearls are discouraged from being close to anyone aside from their headships, they may not really know anyone else or how happy they may be. Their own marriage may be crappy and possibly abusive, but they think that's how it is supposed to be. Yikes.

That is a good point. Also, if the spouse stops complaining, pretends to be happy and becomes the other person's cheerleader, the marriage might appear peaceful to outsiders. It might even look happy but the same problems are there. One thing I've learned is that avoiding facing issues don't make those issues go away.

[dawbs]

Can I just say how much I hate, hate hate hate hate HATE, "don't tell me about X, I know about X" statements?

"Don’t talk to me about menopause; I know all about menopause, and it is a lame excuse. Don’t talk to me about how uncomfortable or painful it is for you. Do you think your body is special and has special needs? Do you know who created you, and do you know he is the same God who expects you to freely give sex to your husband? Stop the excuses!â€

Because, no...you never really do know.

My husband got migraines, starting when he was a teenager. I knew he was in pain when he had them. I never had a headache last more than 24 hours, but I was still understanding/kind/whatever about the fact that he was in pain.

But then I got migraines. and my firsst migraine lasted, in varying degrees of severity, for 9 fucking months. I 'got' what my husband had been going through in a while new way. But you know what? he 'got' that I was in pain and doing poorly. He took care of me and helped as much as he could. But he still didn't *GET* what I was going through. Because he'd never had that constant, waxing/waning pain. It wasn't until I called him in tears of joy when I had 10 minutes without pain for the first time in months, it wasn't until afterwards when I confessed that I was having to physically fight the urge to drive my car into a tree, that he 'got' where I was.

Debi Pearl may have experienced menopause. But her menopause doesn't have jack or shit to do with my future menopause, my mom's menopause, or my grandma's menopause.

Because she ins't hin their head, she doesn't know how many spoons they have.

(and, yes, I do think that God thinks my body is special and has special needs.)

[alba]

“Don’t talk to me about menopause; I know all about menopause, and it is a lame excuse. Don’t talk to me about how uncomfortable or painful it is for you. Do you think your body is special and has special needs? Do you know who created you, and do you know he is the same God who expects you to freely give sex to your husband? Stop the excuses!â€

What kind of husband is going to glean pleasure from causing his wife pain? Unless she's really good at faking it, isn't he going to know that she's not enjoying herself? That kind of kills the mood for most people in a loving relationship.

[Hane]

All this said, the blog author himself is a very conservative Christian and a complementarian, so I consider his objections to Debi Pearl's book to be pretty weak tea.

[salex]

“Don’t talk to me about menopause; I know all about menopause, and it is a lame excuse. Don’t talk to me about how uncomfortable or painful it is for you. Do you think your body is special and has special needs? Do you know who created you, and do you know he is the same God who expects you to freely give sex to your husband? Stop the excuses!â€

What kind of husband is going to glean pleasure from causing his wife pain? Unless she's really good at faking it, isn't he going to know that she's not enjoying herself? That kind of kills the mood for most people in a loving relationship.

See, I think we can presume this wouldn't be a loving relationship in the way the terms "loving" or "relationship" are usually used.