Fundies and only children

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

I am an only and I love it. I have an incredibly close bond with my mom that, in my experience, is nearly impossible with other kids in the situation. (I'm not saying people with siblings are not close to their parents! Just that there is something special, IMO, about the mom-only kid bond.) I wouldn't trade it for anything, and if I have a kid, there will only be one. It's all I can handle, both emotionally and resource-wise, in any case. People can STFU about "poor kid no playmates!" :roll:

I always laughed when my mostly middle-class, privileged friends would mock me for being an only child and probably "spoiled", even though I am from a working-class immigrant family and was a latchkey kid from age 10 and had my first job by 14. :snooty:

[YPestis]

It's fascinating everyone's experiences with family size. I guess it must be related to location and time period as people had vastly different experiences. I only brought the issue up because I recalled what my own experiences as an only child was and figured if the stigma still existed in the secular world, it must be worse in fundie-land.

I think the future will see a trend towards only children due rising cost, better technology and increase in female participation in the workforce. As women decide to have careers, as birth control becomes readily accessible and as children become more expensive to have, I think only children will be more common.

I actually believe part of the immense cost in child raising is due to the natural decrease in family size. As couples have fewer children, families are able to afford to provide extracurricular and other "goodies" to their children. That in turn has also led to more expensive activities for kids. In other words, because parents can afford to put in more money per child, businesses are providing increasingly expensive services and products for them. This means that larger families lose out as the rest of society down sizes their family. The expectation that children should have music lessons, clubs and competitive meets filters to fundie-lite and fundie families. However, they would be footing prices that are based on the premise of a much smaller family. As much as fundies (and some Mormons and Catholics) try to push for larger families, it is becoming economically unfeasible for anyone below a certain income. I wonder if, in the future, large families will mostly exist amongst rural fundies wealthier families as status symbols?

[wild little fox]

I'm an only. My mom was lucky to even have me with all of her issues. I loved being an only. Growing up I did hear all sorts of only child crap, you know the lazy, selfish, spoiled lines.

Now I have an only of sorts. My 3 year old son has a half brother and sister but they are 23 and 21 respectively and have little to no contact with him. People around here are baby factories so I do get questioned at least once a week about why I only have one. And then, when I tell them I only planned on having one and how we are too old and infertile anyway, people always look at me with pity and say I'll change my mind or poor little boy with no brothers or sisters. Ummmm no.

People are so freaking rude!!!!! I'm sure I'll keep saying this as I read on.

[Patsy]

I just have to say - having siblings is no guarantee you'd have help with parents. I have one sibling. He is a mess and always running to my parents to sort things out for him and can't keep a job. My parents are in good health, but as they age, my brother will not be any help. He will not provide support, financial or emotional, and in fact he will be one more thing I have to figure out how to manage, because he will likely start running to me to fix his messes.

In my family: One grandmother had two kids and receives all her care from son and DIL. One grandmother had three kids and receives all her care from daughter and SIL. It's a geographical thing, and the other children do provide occasional weekend respite and moral support over the phone, but... there it is.

Incidentally, one of my great-grandmothers had eight children, and when the child who was caring for her went away for a week's holiday, the other child, in whose care she was left, committed her to an asylum from which she was never released. Whee, family!

[wild little fox]

My nephew will be 18 in a month. He is an only and he is one of the kindest, most caring and considerate young person I know.

[Gertie]

My god-sister and I were very close, but she did eventually end up with a little brother. Then her fiance at the time and now husband went fundie lite and forbade her from spending time with me. She has gone back to just run of the mill Catholic now, but we've never been as close again.

What's a "god-sister"?

[Jana814]

In my family: One grandmother had two kids and receives all her care from son and DIL. One grandmother had three kids and receives all her care from daughter and SIL. It's a geographical thing, and the other children do provide occasional weekend respite and moral support over the phone, but... there it is.

!

This is so true about geographical thing. My mother is a pre-school teacher. Her assistant's mother-in-law just died, her husband has 3 other siblings but all the responsibility of taking care of her landed on my mother's assistant!! But she was willing to do it. However, in this woman's case that they home help for her.

[pixydust]

I think, with fundies, it depends on the group that they are a part of. Gothard, VF, etc seem to push the big families, but here? Your average fundie, who attends a fundie church? They have 3 or 4 kids. I never see mega families when I go places. Growing up, my family was the token mega family, and I have 5 siblings!

It seems like, at least in this area (coastal Virginia), fundies use some form of birth control (I'm sure not the pill, but maybe condoms or diaphragms or NFP), and these are your typical anti-abortion, anti-gay, homeschooling, everyone must find Jesus, every word of the bible is true and the earth is 6000 years old, fundies.

[Sobeknofret]

I can imagine it is a huge stigma. You're not trusting God with the fruit of your womb! :roll: Never mind that the couple may only have one or two for perfectly natural reasons. I hope Sarah Pope stays at her two and doesn't get sucked into the baby race.

[Wolfie]

I am an only and I love it. I have an incredibly close bond with my mom that, in my experience, is nearly impossible with other kids in the situation. (I'm not saying people with siblings are not close to their parents! Just that there is something special, IMO, about the mom-only kid bond.) I wouldn't trade it for anything, and if I have a kid, there will only be one. It's all I can handle, both emotionally and resource-wise, in any case. People can STFU about "poor kid no playmates!" :roll:

I always laughed when my mostly middle-class, privileged friends would mock me for being an only child and probably "spoiled", even though I am from a working-class immigrant family and was a latchkey kid from age 10 and had my first job by 14. :snooty:

I would say your relationship with your mom is because of who you two are, not because you were an only. I know onlys who have very poor relationships with their parents also.

[August]

I think Vyckie Garrison wrote that it was a huge stigma.

In my decidedly non-religious peer group the norm is two. People pretty much assume a third was an accident. I know several people with four, no one assumes they were accidents.

[paganhomeschooler]

What's a "god-sister"?

My mom's family is all Catholic. My mom is my cousin's godmother, so we always referred to ourselves and god-sisters. We were really really close when we were young because her brother wasn't born until we were 8 and 9, and we were still close after that since she didn't really have much in common with a baby boy, up until she was "banned" from hanging out with me because I was a "bad influence". Her husband, at that time, had wanted to be a youth pastor, and evidently I was not a worthy companion for a youth pastor's wife.

[Childless]

I'm most likely going to be unable to have another child. So, my son will be an only. I've met plenty of only children who turned out just fine. It's more to do with parenting than the number of siblings anyway. I do get a little sad thinking that he'll be alone after we pass, but he's got a lot of cousins, grandparents, aunts, and uncles and eventually he'll have friends and perhaps a spouse. So, he'll be ok.

I get ticked off when people comment on how many children someone has or ask when people are going to start a family. First off, the procreation habits of other people are none of your concern. And second, no family make up is better than another. People without any children can be just as happy and satisfied as people with children. There's no point in pitying people because they are different than you.

[OnceModestTwiceShy]

The "When are you going to start a family" thing is super-annoying too. Um, I'm already part of a family, thank you very much.

[RandomTrivia]

I'm an only child. I always hated it. We lived in the country and I had no friends my age to hang out with. There was a girl 4 years older than me, but there came a point when I was a dorky little kid and wasn't cool enough to hang out with, so I was alone and miserable. I always knew I didn't want an only because I didn't want my child to be alone when I was dead.

Having siblings may not have fixed the loneliness, though. I'm the oldest of 3, but we lived in the country too - no friends to play with after school, skimpy after-school activities, and although my sister was only 4 years younger, we didn't get along that well. There were a few cousins down the road, but all boys and all hooligans for lack of a better word (hammer through the TV hooligans).

[Triplet3]

This is a really interesting thread. I'm one of 5 (including Triplet1 and Triplet2) and find it hard to imagine being an only child. Personally I'm really glad I've got siblings, and that within my sibling group I'm part of a multiple birth, BUT if I didn't have a good relationship with my brothers and sisters then I'm sure I'd think differently. Ultimately it's down to personalities - hence why many 'onlies' are fine with not having siblings, and why plenty of people with brothers/sisters don't get on with them.

[TyleredOne]

I'm an only child. My mom was told she'd never get pregnant, so I was a nice surprise. My friends were always jealous, claiming I had my own room, all the Christmas presents, all my parents' attention, etc. Of course, I also had no one to share the chores with, I did them all, there was no taking turns at my house, lol. I never really missed siblings, although I have a lifelong best friend that doubles as a sister. I went out and made friends, and learned early how to entertain myself. I never thought a thing about it, UNTIL...my daughter wanted to attend a girls' Bible study with friends at our local Baptist church ( not in the same area where I grew up ) and she came home one night, upset because she had been told that "God looks down on couples that only have one child". That was the end of that, thankfully.

[GiggleOfGirls]

In the circles I used to run in, a woman struggling with infertility and multiple pregnancy losses had five children, not just one, and there didn't seem to be any judgment exactly, but there was definitely pity and the woman was pretty cut up about the fact that she couldn't have any more without seriously risking her health. This was in a group where the other women (not me - I was a relative newlywed with only two stairstep children "so far" at that point) had between 8 and 14 in their quivers so someone with 5 was clearly not as blessed and was to be pitied :(

[Eoywin]

My daughter is an only - the only person who gives my hubby and I crap about it is my mother in law. She claims that my daughter is going to be anti-social because of not having siblings. She's 4, in preschool and is not the least bit anti-social.

[gibbsgirls]

My husband & I only had 2 children before I became fundie lite/ fundie. He is not religious & did not join me in this pursuit. Permanent pregnancy prevention measures were taken before I became fundie. My 2 best friends were in similar situations except husbands were on board with fundie practices. Both families had reversals, but no extra children. That said, our circle of fundie friends were often critical in our choices to limit pregnancy and very judgmental towards my friends when God didn't give them more children. Said God was punishing them for not letting Him be sovereign in their previous non-fundie lives. The three of us were very unusual with our small families and were often left out of events and social gatherings. All the rest of the fundies that were knew had a minimum of 5 children (with miscarriages in between some of those) and a couple of families had 13. The large-family mothers always thought that our lives were much easier than theirs, which really wasn't true. We didn't have the multitude of slaves and sister-moms that did the work / schooling for us. The were constantly leaving the children at home with their built-in babysitters. Shopping alone for them was common - it was a luxury for me.

Even the children of the large families were critical of our children. One incident in particular stands out. Large family (9 children) was invited to our house for dinner. My youngest (11 at the time) was asked to set the table and invited one of the girls her age to help. My girl was told by the visitor that setting the table was a younger child's job and she was too old for that chore. My daughter informed her that since there was no one younger the task fell to her. Visitor ended up helping, but complained. I explained that jobs were rotated in our house that that no jurisdiction fell to any particular age group.

I have since left that lifestyle along with one of my friends.

[lilwriter85]

There was a fundie lite homeschooling family that lived near my family. They only had three sons, but they wanted more. The wife had a few miscarriages and health problems. Their relatives understood why they stopped. I don't know if they ever faced stigma in fundie circles.

[lilwriter85]

My son is likely an only (husband and I aren't sure yet, but we're probably done). The more religious, rural branch of my family buys into the negative only child stereotypes. My immediate area (and immediate family) is fairly well educated and suburban, and some people have an issue with having an only but many don't. I do think fundies are more likely to judge onlies. Zsu in particular has made many snotty comments about onlies being badly behaved and parents who have onlies being too selfish to have more. I have actually commented on her blog asking her not to jump to conclusions; some families have an only by choice, and others tried desperately for more kids. I had to do infertility treatment to have my son. I could do treatment again, but it was so stressful and expensive and I'm happy with one, so I don't really want to do treatment again. I know one mom who has been pregnant 5 times and yet she has an only child; she struggles to get pregnant, has generally miscarried when she does get pregnant, and counts herself incredibly blessed to have her one son at this point. Fundies need to not assume people like her chose to have an only. They also need to not assume there's something wrong with people who do choose an only.

For those who have onlies - I LOVE the book "Maybe One" by Bill McKibben. He does a wonderful job of gathering all the research out there that shows that onlies are *not* selfish or socially inept.

I just have to say - having siblings is no guarantee you'd have help with parents. I have one sibling. He is a mess and always running to my parents to sort things out for him and can't keep a job. My parents are in good health, but as they age, my brother will not be any help. He will not provide support, financial or emotional, and in fact he will be one more thing I have to figure out how to manage, because he will likely start running to me to fix his messes.

I also recall those snooty comments on Zsu's blog. I have seen Duggar leghumpers make similar comments like this, "Well the Duggars have 19 kids that are well behaved and many people with 2 kids can't control their kids." Those comments are bullshit when comes down to it because the Duggars kids have their moments of misbehavior. I have seen other fundie bloggers make a lot of snooty comments on onlies or smaller families several times. Some of their comments mention materialism. Lori Alexander did a posting where she said that everyone should large families and that the reason many don't have large families is because of materialism. For some people, money does play a part in why they have smaller families. Some people want to have some extra money for education or activities for their children. Heather the Mormon blogger from Paralyzed With Joy has taken subtle digs at smaller families on her blog a few times. She once mentioned how people think that her sisters are crazy for having more than two kids. She also seems to dislike her high school friends who came from smaller families. In one posting, she sort of whined about how smaller families are able to give their kids things like cars and gadgets.

[amster]

I am an only, and it's pretty good.

I guess the hardest part is that my partner is an only as well, and he is from interstate. There will come a time in our lives where we have to make a heartbreaking decision about which set of parents to live near in their old age. Someone is going to be left out. My parents are the primary caregivers to their mothers, because their siblings all live interstate. But if we move away from my parents, there will be no one left to look after them. I often lay awake in bed at night and think it all over. It's going to be tough.

[Jana814]

I am an only, and it's pretty good.

I guess the hardest part is that my partner is an only as well, and he is from interstate. There will come a time in our lives where we have to make a heartbreaking decision about which set of parents to live near in their old age. Someone is going to be left out. My parents are the primary caregivers to their mothers, because their siblings all live interstate. But if we move away from my parents, there will be no one left to look after them. I often lay awake in bed at night and think it all over. It's going to be tough.

That's a hard situcation. I know someone who is an only. Even though she has cousins who could easily help w/ her mother she moved her to NJ from Tenneesse so she can take care of her.