Fundies and only children

[YPestis]

I was wondering if fundie families experience stigma for having one child or having few children? Some people, for health reasons, are just never able to conceive after one or two children. In the world of "be fruitful and multiple", do larger families look down on those who try but fail to reproduce in large numbers?

A bit of background. I am an only child. My parents immigrated from China and had me due to the one-child policy. After they arrived in the US, my parents choose not to have a second child. At that time, only children were a rare breed. Most people just assumed my parents wanted but were unable to have a second child.

Growing up, I was often asked about my only-child status. I was an oddity for some. For others, an object of pity. Some people joked that it's lucky I acquired none of the tendencies of an "only"----as if only children could be picked out based on some universally agreed upon misbehavior.

I still remember a suite mate in college (not a friend, per se) who chided me in front of my entire suite for tracking mud into the living area. I was in a hurry when I rushed in, not realizing I tracked mud, and had to leave the suite quickly right after. When I got back, my suite mate very loudly said she understands I tracked mud into the place because I was an "only child". Presumably, I was not used to cleaning up my own mess, But, she said, I now needed to learn to clean up after myself. I felt humiliated as she could have easily took me aside to say this. It was an honest mistake. Somehow, the fact that I was an only child was singled out.

What galls me is that this girl, who thought I must be so entitled due to my only-child status, had also said she wanted to marry a doctor so she can be a housewife and do "full-time volunteer work". Did she acquire that attitude because she had a sibling?

Even recently, people make rude comments about only children. A very pregnant acquaintance of my husband's once told me she was aiming to have two or three kids because she doesn't want to raise her child be some "weirdo" by leaving her an only child.

Given that even our mainstream society looks down on only childs, I speculate how the fundie world looks at fundies with one, two, or three children. Do they also look at those kids as strange? Are the families looked at as less "pure"? I wonder. Anyone want to speculate?

[Mango]

The most fundie family I know has three kids - two girls and a boy. They're all adults now, they all three still live at home, and.. yeah. Interesting people, bless their hearts.

[Katiebug]

It might depend on where you live/your peer group. With one exception (husband's cousin), most couples we know IRL are of the opinion that 1 child is good, 2 is better, but any more is absolutely crazy. They seem kind of amused at the thought that we'd consider three! None of us are fundies and most are in households with two working parents, and there's a limit to how far financial resources can go when you're paying for good child care in a questionable economy.

I have one friend who always planned on having an only. They had their daughter and have taken permanent steps to avoid any more babies, and no one gives her flak for it (aside from her mother and in-laws). I'm honestly slightly jealous at times; right when our daughters are becoming more independent, potty training, etc. I'm going to be back in the baby care situation and she gets to pursue professional and personal interests and, you know, SLEEP. :lol:

FWIW, the two fundie lite families who I know IRL both have two children and are DONE. The biggest families that I personally know of are situations where the parents were devout Catholics and had 4-5 children (all college age or older now), and one fundie coworker with 8. I don't know anyone our age and in our peer group who wants more than 2 or occasionally 3 kids.

[FairyPrincessK]

you might find reading adustyframe.com (sorry if I broke that link wrong) interesting. She is now pregnant with her second, but has written several entries about the stigma of only children. Her husband was in prison until fairly recently. I'm not sure if she is the fundiest of fundies, but I think she hovers somewhere between fundie light and full on fundie.

For example, she homeschools using things like Ambelside, Abecca and the like, but I'm not sure she is skirts only and I think her church may be a bit more mainstream. She has sent her kid to some church came events that sound more like AWANA than ATI or Gothard. As far as I can tell, AWANA is more fundie light. I also think having her husband incarcerated gave her a view of what it is like to be the shunned one and perhaps made her a little less fundie, but now that he is out I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't go back in that direction. FWIW, she's had a difficult time and I do think she tries, in her own small way, to raise awareness about the difficulties of being the child of an inmate.

See this:

adustyframe.com/2013/01/28/you-only-have-one/

and

adustyframe.com/2013/02/04/blessings-of-only-one-child/

[Claddagh]

Sometimes it feels like it really depends on the group. Mom would always be asked why she didn't have more than two children. Mom originally wanted four but after complications with Brother Claddagh she decided to stop at two.

Others have gone "You have two? How do you manage?"

[treemom]

I get asked a lot about having an only child.

[Californiacicle]

I'm an only. My mom was lucky to even have me with all of her issues. I loved being an only. Growing up I did hear all sorts of only child crap, you know the lazy, selfish, spoiled lines.

Now I have an only of sorts. My 3 year old son has a half brother and sister but they are 23 and 21 respectively and have little to no contact with him. People around here are baby factories so I do get questioned at least once a week about why I only have one. And then, when I tell them I only planned on having one and how we are too old and infertile anyway, people always look at me with pity and say I'll change my mind or poor little boy with no brothers or sisters. Ummmm no.

[KBepote]

It might depend on where you live/your peer group. With one exception (husband's cousin), most couples we know IRL are of the opinion that 1 child is good, 2 is better, but any more is absolutely crazy. They seem kind of amused at the thought that we'd consider three! None of us are fundies and most are in households with two working parents, and there's a limit to how far financial resources can go when you're paying for good child care in a questionable economy.

I agree, location/culture/peer groups make all the difference in this discussion. Where I grew up (fundie-lite, midwest), only children were considered disadvantaged, and I distinctly remember hearing people judging the parents for not giving the child a playmate. When I was a child, most families included 3-4 children. This continues today.

In a very wealthy area of New England, I provided childcare for many families, and the consensus there was that 2 was ideal, but it was acceptable to have 3 if your first 2 were of the same gender.

I now live in a fairly secular area with a generally highly (overly?) educated population as my peer group. Here, like Katiebug said, "1 child is good, 2 is better, but any more is absolutely crazy," though most people are polite enough to not say that out loud if you are actually having a third (I'm pregnant with our (surprise!) third). Personally, I agree that three will make me crazy(er), but that's what happens when you don't take permanent measures to prevent. :-)

[splork]

My husband grew up with four stepsisters, but still gets shit from his family for being an "only" child. They tend to blame a lot of things that they perceive as a character flaw on that.

People, as always, are usually willing to completely discount reality when it gets in the way of what they want to believe.

A lot of folks are deeply attached to this idea of a two-parent family with a few biological children, but most of the families I grew up with were full of step-kids, half-siblings, foster kids, grandparents raising their grandchildren and other exceptions to the archetype.

[paganhomeschooler]

I'm an only child. I always hated it. We lived in the country and I had no friends my age to hang out with. There was a girl 4 years older than me, but there came a point when I was a dorky little kid and wasn't cool enough to hang out with, so I was alone and miserable. I always knew I didn't want an only because I didn't want my child to be alone when I was dead. On my dad's side, I'm not only an only child but an only grandchild. Thankfully, I do have cousins on my mom's side, but it still not the same as a sibling. My god-sister and I were very close, but she did eventually end up with a little brother. Then her fiance at the time and now husband went fundie lite and forbade her from spending time with me. She has gone back to just run of the mill Catholic now, but we've never been as close again.

FWIW, my mom's side of the family had 12 kids. One aunt passed away very young and one couldn't have kids. The rundown on the rest was 1, 1, 1, 2, 2, 2, 3, 2, 2, and 2. Out of my cousins old enough to have kids, there is 1 only, three of them have 2, one has 3 and is pregnant with another, and I have 4, possibly 5 somewhere down the line because we just don't feel complete. Out of the mixes of my cousins and my cousin's kids, there are some who are adopted and some born by surrogacy in there.

I had a miscarriage between my girls and almost lost my 2nd daughter as well. Had I not been able to carry another baby, we would have adopted. One of my fundie lite friends was always convinced they'd have an only. Her husband was an only and he loved it. They recently became PG with #2. My other fundie lite friend has 2 and may or may not have more. She came from a normal family of 3 kids and her husband came from a fundie family of 7. I do have 2 friends who are mainstream Xtian with 4 kids and done, and one with 1 kid who is just starting to consider the possibility of a second.

[LostSamurai]

I'm an only child...and I don't think I ever got hassled about it. Most people are usually surprised, joke about how I'm probaly spoiled and then leave it like that. I always had friends growing up and my mom always made sure that I was comfortable. My grandmother and my godmother/great aunt always helped out too.

So are fundies now going to pick on only children as heathens like they accuse single mothers of the crime rate? Because if that's the case, fuck that.

[ADoyle90815]

I also think it has to do with location, religion, and culture as in my area, 4 children is seen as a large family. The recession has also affected the birth rate as many people have either delayed having children, or stopped after 1 or even 2 because they were laid off and they didn't want to bring in another child they couldn't afford. I've noticed that lately, it's Mormon families who have more than 3 children, as younger Catholics are ignoring the rule against birth control. While birth control isn't exactly forbidden in the Mormon church, many Mormons believe they have "spirits" who are waiting to be born, so they tend to have larger families than average.

[cindyluvs24]

I am an only child (my parents split up early on) . Growing up, I was unusual for my neighborhood of ethnic Catholics, but all of my friends thought it was great that I didn't have to share my room with any sisters and didn't have to wear hand-me-downs. As an a dult, it sucks just a little because my mother only has me to depend upon.

[sparkles]

My daughter is an only, as are/were many of her friends. Not at all unusual in our area. She actually likes being an only although when she was younger she would sometimes talk about wanting a sibling. Then she'd go visit another friend of hers who was one of 4 (their house was total chaos pretty much 24/7--and the mom always looked shell shocked) and every time she came back one of the first things she'd say was "I'm really glad it's just me!"

Three was the norm in my neighborhood when I was a kid (50s/60s). The one exception I can remember was my across the street neighbor who was an only (very unusual then) and she clearly felt out of place and very sad. She had a Patty Play Pal doll (I'M OLD! I'M OLD!) that she called her sister and she insisted that damned doll had to come everywhere with us. And on the opposite end of the spectrum was the very devout Polish Catholic family with 18 kids. Eep.

[valsa]

I'm a weird sorta-only. I have a half-brother who is ten years older than me that was not around much when I was a child (and I haven't spoken directly to in over a decade) so I consider myself an only.

I got shit from adults as a little kid for flaws that were supposedly because I was an only. I was fairly inflexible when dealing with other children and they blamed that on my not having siblings (because somehow playing daily with a large group of neighbor children isn't practice enough) Turns out I actually just had an anxiety disorder and routine helped keep me calm (and my routine going out the window made me a little twitchy) Though I think I have heard at least one person blame my anxiety disorder on being an only child so... :?

[Jana814]

My mother and close friend of mine are only child. My mother said that she never felt left out because she had cousins around to play with. Including one who was also an only child. To this day my mother is close w/ friend of hers. This woman has a brother but he never had kids or got married. My friend who is an only child, parents split when she was young, she has told me that never felt left out either because she had friends to hang out w/.

I do have to say though when I hear about Fundie familes and they have a few kids I am suprised.

[michelle_notduggar]

I'd imagine that most do feel some social pressure when most of the families around them have more than just a few kids.

My grandparents did the whole "we'll have as many as God chooses to bless us with." When they decided to stop at 8 (in 9 years) because they reached their limit, their church actually advised them against it :roll: . Thankfully, they didn't listen. No matter how many you have, it's never enough for fundies.

[Freyacat]

My son is likely an only (husband and I aren't sure yet, but we're probably done). The more religious, rural branch of my family buys into the negative only child stereotypes. My immediate area (and immediate family) is fairly well educated and suburban, and some people have an issue with having an only but many don't. I do think fundies are more likely to judge onlies. Zsu in particular has made many snotty comments about onlies being badly behaved and parents who have onlies being too selfish to have more. I have actually commented on her blog asking her not to jump to conclusions; some families have an only by choice, and others tried desperately for more kids. I had to do infertility treatment to have my son. I could do treatment again, but it was so stressful and expensive and I'm happy with one, so I don't really want to do treatment again. I know one mom who has been pregnant 5 times and yet she has an only child; she struggles to get pregnant, has generally miscarried when she does get pregnant, and counts herself incredibly blessed to have her one son at this point. Fundies need to not assume people like her chose to have an only. They also need to not assume there's something wrong with people who do choose an only.

For those who have onlies - I LOVE the book "Maybe One" by Bill McKibben. He does a wonderful job of gathering all the research out there that shows that onlies are *not* selfish or socially inept.

As an adult, it sucks just a little because my mother only has me to depend upon.

I just have to say - having siblings is no guarantee you'd have help with parents. I have one sibling. He is a mess and always running to my parents to sort things out for him and can't keep a job. My parents are in good health, but as they age, my brother will not be any help. He will not provide support, financial or emotional, and in fact he will be one more thing I have to figure out how to manage, because he will likely start running to me to fix his messes.

[dairyfreelife]

I'm a weird sorta-only. I have a half-brother who is ten years older than me that was not around much when I was a child (and I haven't spoken directly to in over a decade) so I consider myself an only.

I got shit from adults as a little kid for flaws that were supposedly because I was an only. I was fairly inflexible when dealing with other children and they blamed that on my not having siblings (because somehow playing daily with a large group of neighbor children isn't practice enough) Turns out I actually just had an anxiety disorder and routine helped keep me calm (and my routine going out the window made me a little twitchy) Though I think I have heard at least one person blame my anxiety disorder on being an only child so... :?

I have a sister about 2.5 years younger and a brother who's almost eight years younger. So I wonder how that person would explain my anxiety issues?

The spoiled only child seems to be a myth. I have/had friends ranging from only children to eight siblings. The ones with seven to nine children are closest to only certain siblings and none want to follow the trend. And the children with larger families actually seemed more bratty overall. I knew only children who were brats and only children who were not. One of the sweetest people I know was an only child. I don't think that woman has a mean bone in her body. I knew children with one to four siblings who were spoiled brats and others who were the opposite. I'd like between 2-4 chlildren myself, but having even one healthy, happy child would be great.

[wildflower]

Yes there is some stigma at least among the fundies that I used to be acquainted with. I knew one couple that were desperately trying to have children and the wannabe Mom was sadly convinced that God had not opened her womb due to her difficulty being submissive to her husband. :angry-banghead:

I was picked on for being an only child as well. I spent most of my childhood babysitting my younger cousins so people are always completely surprised that I am comfortable caring for young children despite not having a younger sibling. It's silly really what people assume.

[crazyforkate]

Count another kind of-only (my sisters are 26 and 28 years my senior). My mom definitely got picked on, mostly by strangers and people who didn't know us well, for not having a whole bunch of kids. She was asked many times what would happen if I died - which is pretty awful seeing as I almost did die. My dad's side usually has three or four kids, while my mom's might be one or two, and there was definitely some annoyance from my dad's family about my mom somehow slacking off in the kid department.

As for fundies? I really don't know any who had less than three or four kids, fundie or fundie-lite. There was a comment on Zsu's blog where the woman mentioned that she had left her family "up to God" and still only had one child, but I don't think there was a blog attached or anything. It's an interesting question.

[veron1que]

Yes there is some stigma at least among the fundies that I used to be acquainted with. I knew one couple that were desperately trying to have children and the wannabe Mom was sadly convinced that God had not opened her womb due to her difficulty being submissive to her husband. :angry-banghead:

I was picked on for being an only child as well. I spent most of my childhood babysitting my younger cousins so people are always completely surprised that I am comfortable caring for young children despite not having a younger sibling. It's silly really what people assume.

That's so absurd. A woman's worth has nothing to do with the ability of the couple to produce kids. (And I bet fundies never think that the husband might have a low sperm count/other issues....

I always wonder what fundies do when one of them is allergic to the sperm with their rejection of medicine. Some studies put that up to 25% of TTC couples deal with allergic reactions. (I think it's probably under 10%, but still that's not so rare that no fundy couples have encountered it)

As far as the single child thing goes, it definitely varies place to place. I grew up in a small northeastern farm town and 5+ was the norm. My family has four kids and we were small. Yes there were some 2s and 3s, but a good amount of 5,6,7 even 8 kids. I relocated to the midAtlantic wealthy area, where 1 is very common, 2 even more so. Having 3 siblings, people thought my family was huge.

As as the labeling goes, no one has escaped the "birthorder syndromes."

Eldest are the bossy perfectionist who are too serious. Middle kids are loners who have been ignored and lack the ability to form strong connections. Youngest are spoiled, irresponsible and immature. And onlies are overprivileged attention seekers who don't know how to clean up after themselves.

People love their boxes, don't let it get to you.

[salex]

I knew one couple that were desperately trying to have children and the wannabe Mom was sadly convinced that God had not opened her womb due to her difficulty being submissive to her husband.

I don't have any children (but I know a lot of people who don't either). I used to be asked "why don't you have kids" and I thought a couple of times of saying "Oh... cursed by god with barrenness" or some such. But lately, no one asks as much (too late to try to convince me to change my mind, I'm guessing, so they don't bother) If it were to be asked again, depending on their tone, I will probably ask why they did have children....

[Libby Liberal]

I think this is fascinating! I'm in my early thirties and grew up in the suburbs of a large Southern city. Onlies and two children families were definitely the norm. Out of the families I knew growing up I can only think of two that had more than that, and weren't either Mormon or a blended family. One family kept trying for a boy (I think they had four daughters before the boy was born) and one kept trying for a girl (gave up after four sons). I remember my mother thought they were crazy for having so many.

I was an only for most of my childhood, and don't remember getting any flack about it.

[Miggy]

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/phoenixandolivebranch/

Sierra blogs on her own site, The Phoenix and the Olive Branch, and also on No longer Quivering. She gives interesting insight to growing up as an only child in a fundy community. Definately worth reading.

I didn't bother breaking the link. Sierra is aware of our existance and she is well out of fundyland.