Squicky Topic at 7 X Sunday

[snarkykitty]

I don't think this has been brought up, but have you seen teh 7x Sunday forum message titled "14yod father over interested"? No, it's not about a "14-year-old father" but about a 14-year-old's father.

The other day, my husband was going to demand that our 14yod talk to him about her period. I cautioned him to let her be private from him regarding feminine issues. I told him that I think he should let me handle it mother to daughter. He thinks he has the right to know everything about her life because he is her daughter. What do y'all think?

I'd love to hear what people here think. I remember when my mother told my dad - at the dinner table, I was mortified. My dad doesn't like to talk about this sort of thing. His reaction is more of a "yuck, I don't know how you women deal with that stuff", which is kind of funny now, but not very encouraging to the 13 year old who just realized that childhood is over.

I think it's sort of creepy for a dad to insist on his teen daughter talking about her period. It's embarrassing enough if you have a cool mom (I didn't). I can't imagine a father wanting to exert control (knowing all about it) over something so personal.

Interestingly, no one has replied to the topic.

[BlackHawk]

uhm.. wow. I think it's okay if the kid WANTS to talk about it, but to demand it of her? I'll be honest and say I dread this conversation with any daughters I have... this is the reason I have already commissioned my best friend to be my children's non mother mother. I think if it's cool with the kid to talk about it, whatever, but the mother is right to think she should be able to handle this. She is a woman... and knows what it's like.

[silvia]

Yeah, it's icky, but seems like par for the course for these patriarchal dads. It's just another way this particular dad can exert his dominance -- and ensure the shame-faced subservience -- of those "beneath" him. I hardly think his demand arises out of concern for his daughter's health.

[antifundie]

What would the dad want to know?

I remember one time when I was in a lot of pain as a young teenager, my dad gave me a hug and basically said "I'm sorry it's so hard" or something to that affect--I never talked with him much besides that, I don't think.

I'm of the opinion that fathers should have a don't ask/don't tell policy. My old boss asked me once if he should get his daughter flowers for her first period, and I said "No! you ignore it completely!" I realize that might not be how every father would deal, but yeah, I don't know that a father would need details, unless there was some medical issue. Seems to me that the girl should initiate that stuff, not the dad.

[Austin]

That is friggin' weird. What a douchbag.

[debrand]

Unless the girl volunteers to tell him about her period, there is no reason for him to demand such information. He probably doesn't really care about her period, he just wants to exert control over her.

The mother should tell him that the daughter's body is her own and doesn't belong to the father. He has no right to such information

[emmiedahl]

Making a girl share personal information about her private parts is not modest. I have been handling period issues and I told my daughter that it is basically a girl thing. Like, we talk about our periods all the time with female friends and family, but boys and men are left out because it is a private female matter. I see this as a power thing on the man's part. Does anyone have a link? Nevermind, I found it. It's the first topic under 'Parenting'.

[ElphabaGalinda]

It's icky that he's demanding to know. I mean why?? Sure, if the kid wants to talk about it, but it's really none of the father's business if she doesn't. My dad only knew I got my period because he did most of the shopping and was the one buying the smaller pads than my mom used. I didn't even tell my mom details. It's like this father thinks she's not allowed to have anything that's personal. What's ickiest for me is WHY does he want to know?

[bananacat]

I wonder if he wants to track her periods so he can be assured every month that didn't sneak off and get pregnant (as if that would even be possible in a fundie house). Razing Ruth's dad freaked the fuck out over her first period because he thought the blood was from her somehow losing her virginity. A lot of these dads are are delusional and suspicious and think that the daughter will have sex, get pregnant, realize it when she misses her period, and then go off and have a secret abortion, all aided and abetted by her mother. It would be nearly impossible for a teen in a progressive household to do all these things without Dad noticing, let alone in a fundie house, but fundie dads thrive on ridiculous paranoia.

When I got my first period I was actually at a friend's house for a sleepover so I called my mom tell her and I assume she mentioned it to my dad. But other than that he never really cared about it. It would have been nice if I felt comfortable choosing to talk to him about (although I doubt I would have even wanted to), but even my douchebag dad never demanded to know anything about it.

[BlackHawk]

Okay I'm still stuck on this topic... why would anyone want to know the details? Seriously, what could you gain from demanding to know the details of a persons cycle? I know what women gain from knowing the details of their cycle (or so I've heard from reading around fundie places).. but what does a father gain?

I just.. am completely squicked out by this! I know more than I ever wanted to know about women's cycles cause my friend is pregnant... seriously, she over shares... and to think a teenager is going to be this open... I just.. for some reason this guy makes me feel sick.

[ElphabaGalinda]

I wonder if he wants to track her periods so he can be assured every month that didn't sneak off and get pregnant (as if that would even be possible in a fundie house). Razing Ruth's dad freaked the fuck out over her first period because he thought the blood was from her somehow losing her virginity. A lot of these dads are are delusional and suspicious and think that the daughter will have sex, get pregnant, realize it when she misses her period, and then go off and have a secret abortion, all aided and abetted by her mother. It would be nearly impossible for a teen in a progressive household to do all these things without Dad noticing, let alone in a fundie house, but fundie dads thrive on ridiculous paranoia.

When I got my first period I was actually at a friend's house for a sleepover so I called my mom tell her and I assume she mentioned it to my dad. But other than that he never really cared about it. It would have been nice if I felt comfortable choosing to talk to him about (although I doubt I would have even wanted to), but even my douchebag dad never demanded to know anything about it.

This just gave me a horrible thought. For the first two years I had my period, it was extremely irregular. Anywhere from 22 days to 2 months between periods could happen. Like any sane person, this caused my mom to take me to the doctor to address the issue. But what if this happened to a fundie girl? They would go 2 months without a period and their dad would think they snuck out and got pregnant. I hope for their sake their dad isn't that crazy, but why else could they want to know?

[Witsec6]

My stepdad did something really nice: He gave us each a rose and a little note saying he loved us. My mom told him, I guess. I don't know... in our family puberty and menstruation weren't talked about as "gross" though. It was just a little gesture and he didn't tell us specifically why the rose, but I think it's a good way to help a girl not feel so dirty about it, you know? Maybe it's too weird for some, but for our family it worked well.

What this woman is asking, though is a HUGE violation of the boundaries of decency. I know that a lot of fundie families keep track of mom's fertility on the calendar, and I find that very invasive. A girl should be able to keep her body and it's functions private from her parents if she wants.

[GenerationCedarchip]

That just sounds crazy to me. Is this an ATI thing? I just ask because I've seen it mentioned before.

Even growing up in fundie circles, that kind of crap didn't go on that I knew of. Girls would talk to each other and most of us could talk to our moms, but the men weren't involved and when the subject came up, they obviously wanted no part of it. That sounds seriously controlling even for a fundie.

[Witsec1]

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. The idea that the daughter could have anything private from her father obviously threatens this dad. It's emotional incest and to me is a warning flag that physical incest might already have happened. That could be another reason for a father to want to know about the daughter's cycles - just in case you weren't squicked enough.

What did the 7xPsychos respond ?

[contrary]

oh, 7xS. my favorite form of crazy squick!

which family is it that tracked all of the family periods on the family calendar? i can't remember...

that said, i agree it should be a mom/daughter thing unless the daughter wants to discuss it with dad. Entirely (ENTIRELY) her choice.

(eta: if i had two dads, instead of a mom/dad, I'd happily rely on one of the dads to discuss things with, as this would have been the lifelong norm, you know? I mean, if you have a close female friend who is willing, great! but by the time a daughter hits puberty, your family will have navigated all sorts of things. it's not as if she's going to get her period while you're still strangers, you know?)

[BlackHawk]

oh, 7xS. my favorite form of crazy squick!

which family is it that tracked all of the family periods on the family calendar? i can't remember...

that said, i agree it should be a mom/daughter thing unless the daughter wants to discuss it with dad. Entirely (ENTIRELY) her choice.

(eta: if i had two dads, instead of a mom/dad, I'd happily rely on one of the dads to discuss things with, as this would have been the lifelong norm, you know? I mean, if you have a close female friend who is willing, great! but by the time a daughter hits puberty, your family will have navigated all sorts of things. it's not as if she's going to get her period while you're still strangers, you know?)

I totally agree, but even after discussing I feel there would be answers one of the dads probably couldn't give. I mean, talking about it sure, but I think there are some things you need someone to talk to who has gone through it. I can sympathize, I can talk about it, I can answer questions after googling the answers. Maybe things will happen differently, but I wouldn't want to talk to my mom about my engorged sex drive during my puberty.. not because she wouldn't have understood... but because it's embarrassing and my mom didn't go through it the same way I went through it. I had all sorts of questions and thank goodness I had older brothers because talking to my dad was useless.

[Guest Anonymous]

I totally agree, but even after discussing I feel there would be answers one of the dads probably couldn't give. I mean, talking about it sure, but I think there are some things you need someone to talk to who has gone through it. I can sympathize, I can talk about it, I can answer questions after googling the answers. Maybe things will happen differently, but I wouldn't want to talk to my mom about my engorged sex drive during my puberty.. not because she wouldn't have understood... but because it's embarrassing and my mom didn't go through it the same way I went through it. I had all sorts of questions and thank goodness I had older brothers because talking to my dad was useless.

I love the concept of godparents for this reason. Whether you have a mom and a dad, two moms, or two dads, sometimes it is easier to talk to someone who isn't your parent. I think it's important for kids to have trustworthy adults in their lives, as many as possible. Aunts and uncles can fill in here as well.

[GenerationCedarchip]

oh, 7xS. my favorite form of crazy squick!

which family is it that tracked all of the family periods on the family calendar? i can't remember...

that said, i agree it should be a mom/daughter thing unless the daughter wants to discuss it with dad. Entirely (ENTIRELY) her choice.

(eta: if i had two dads, instead of a mom/dad, I'd happily rely on one of the dads to discuss things with, as this would have been the lifelong norm, you know? I mean, if you have a close female friend who is willing, great! but by the time a daughter hits puberty, your family will have navigated all sorts of things. it's not as if she's going to get her period while you're still strangers, you know?)

I'm sorry but what?! :o I can't imagine being over at somebody's house and seeing that on the fridge. I would have died a thousand deaths back when I was a teenager.

[Witsec1]

It's an ATI thing I think. Razing Ruth talked about it, but didn't someone mention that Michelle Duggar also marks her cycle on the family calendar?

[contrary]

yes! i think it was razing ruth. thank you!

[maybeizfundie]

demand? blech. Even to ask is kind of weird, though I can think of a few situations where a dad might have to fill in if the mom is either not there or somehow unavailable to help the daughter figure this new life stage out.

I'm betting this is a "Command Man" (thank you Debi Pearl :roll: ) who's been allowed free reign.

[Wolfie]

This just gave me a horrible thought. For the first two years I had my period, it was extremely irregular. Anywhere from 22 days to 2 months between periods could happen. Like any sane person, this caused my mom to take me to the doctor to address the issue. But what if this happened to a fundie girl? They would go 2 months without a period and their dad would think they snuck out and got pregnant. I hope for their sake their dad isn't that crazy, but why else could they want to know?

I was extremely irregular for years. But so was my sister. My dad did flip out when he found my sister was on BC for her irregularity, and it took my mom explaining the issue. (which explains why my sister got so defensive when I found the pills when I was home from college. I assumed that they were because she was irregular.) My dad wasn't even possessive. I hope that's one reason the mom is iffy about discussing it with dad.

But I also worry that there are more sinister reasons that the dad wants to know. (not that paranoia isn't sinister enough)

[duplessis3]

Just an aside : My mother was no help talking ab out my period because she never had a cramp in her life. @@ so she was just basically "get over it." Any person that would be sympathetic is better than a person who has gone through "it" but isn't.

[debrand]

My mom was very unsympathatic to cramps also. Considering that she suffered from severe headaches her entire adult life, it would have seemed that she be sympathatic to others pain. She wasn't.

[TVR]

I would think (or at least really hope) that when they mark it on the calender it is maybe a coloured star or dot or something (maybe a different colour for each person).

I think some of these dad buy big time into the "protecting their daughters" and they think that they can only do it if they know everything and control everything. I guess this is the beginning of the whole purity ball thing: If you daughters think that it is totally okay for you to know about their periods then it would be perfectly okay for them to pledge their purity to you?

I feel really uncomfortable with that!