Leaving Fundiedom = Second Adolescence?

[Kaylee]

I know there are several other ex-fundies here, so I'm wondering if it's pretty normal when you do finally get away from it all to go a bit wild? I'm not really comfortable putting specifics out on the internet right now, but there are things I'm finally "letting" myself do that I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't back when I was religious.

In some ways I feel like part of it may be doing the things I wasn't allowed to in my teens and 20s, so now I'm sort of feeling this whole guilt because maybe I'm supposed to be settling down and being all boring and conventional in my 30s and I worry that going out and having fun could be seen as irresponsible. A couple of my friends have hit me with "oh, I tried that in high school / got that out of my system in college" etc and that wasn't really an option for me.

[ILoveJellybeans]

That sounds pretty right, me and my two best friends were never fundies, but did miss out on the late teenage years and are only just catching up and getting out there now.

Its also what I think Josh is doing, which is why he is making rather unhealthy choices. Another friend of mine did the same, after his parents died and werent able to control him.

Its a normal response to a very restrictive childhood, cause you finally realise you are free and can now do anything they want.

[Deleted08]

Oh yeah, I completely agree to this! I don't do anything illegal but I have been like a teenager off and on. I think being able to enjoy the life God has given us is so counter to fundie culture.

[Funintended]

Are we having a second adolescence or just finally living life? But I know what you mean...

[AmandaP]

Definitely. Anytime someone leaves a restrictive environment, it's likely that they will go a little wild.

I did a little bit. My sister did a lot more. Not anything self-destructive, but definitely going outside of our family's boundaries. Of course, I'm wildly outside of my family's boundaries just by not hitting my kids...

[fundiefan]

I think that whether it's leaving fundamentalism, an over-protective family, a long marriage that started young (like, a divorced 40 year old who got married at 18...never having a young adulthood), or really, any other time in life when there are big changes in what you choose and hell, being the one to choose in the first place - people will tend to go 'overboard', according to others. When you haven't been the one to make choices about anything from the clothes you wear and food you eat to what you do for fun or who you associate with, you're going to dive into all of that without a second thought because you CAN.

You probably don't exactly know what you like/want/need so you're trying it all to figure that out; exactly as teenagers and young adults without responsibilities do.

[Annette]

I know tons of people who were raised fundie lite, were very good kids all the way through college, and are now at age 30 having ragers on the weekends and smoking (illegal) pot all the time. Which I'm sure many 30 year olds enjoy, but these people all did not start until mid-20s and it is very inconsistent with their upbringing.

[Guest Anonymous]

Susanna Keller.

[slh12280]

I can kinda relate to what you are saying. I kept on the "straight and narrow" pretty much all through high school and college. I guess, technically, I am still in the "acceptable" age range for some of the behaviors but I am surprised at myself sometimes!

Just have to remember that you are comparing yourself to a pretty strict upbringing not mainstream society. I am sure that according to mainstream society the things you are doing are not bad.

[Closed Womb]

It would be interesting to see the different behaviors between someone leaving fundiedom and someone just leaving a restrictive situation.

This thread reminded me of a French exchange student I once hosted. Her food had been severely restricted by her mother in an attempt (thus far, successful) to keep her very thin. Although when eating in restaurants they ate all courses (she found it exceedingly odd that I would just have an entree or a dinner sized salad), at home her food was limited, sometimes to the point where a sliced tomato was the meal (lunch or dinner.)

When she got some food freedom she went after chocolate with abandon. This 17 year old girl would eat an entire cake in just two days; same with a pan of brownies or a bag of chocolates (like Halloween candy.) But, of course, her restrictions were not made into a moral imperative -- she just lived a normal life of a French teen, which I have been told by some ex-pat friends include eating what mom gives you without question; no independence in that area. After reading this thread, I wonder if her behavior would have been different if chocolate was presented as "sinful" for all of her life.

edited because thread =/= tread

[jokersshh]

I could see how being denied things would make you go nuts once you had access to them

[Claddagh]

I could see how being denied things would make you go nuts once you had access to them

Indeed. Growing up I was never allowed to wear make up or any type of heels. When I turned 18 I bought a pair of high heels and later donated them to charity as the high heel caused me knee pain.

I tried make up and because of sensitive skin I don't really wear it.

I've seen some dabble in it while for others it's a full blown addiction. I do know one woman in her late 50's who is addicted to her looks, fashion, and make up that she'll never use/wear. How far it goes really depends on the person.

[Ms A E]

When you haven't been the one to make choices about anything from the clothes you wear and food you eat to what you do for fun or who you associate with, you're going to dive into all of that without a second thought because you CAN.

I know when I finally started to truly get out of fundie-dom (which for me didn't happen until I graduated college and went to grad school), I very much felt like I needed to have a Real adolescence, completely unlike my first one as a model child/robot! I did all kinds of things I would never have dreamed of the first time around, due to fear of displeasing my mother/God: I drank, got a nose ring, got a massage (well, more than one!), moved into a fabulous apartment in a progressive/alternative area of town, and refused to get married to my boyfriend of many years. However, I also did things that felt specifically 'adolescent' to me: I listened to tons of music about being a teen, read and loved much-reviled Young Adult fiction, etc. I know I very much felt as tho I had been robbed of my adolescence, and both consciously and unconsciously sought out actives that felt 'adolescent' to me.

You probably don't exactly know what you like/want/need so you're trying it all to figure that out; exactly as teenagers and young adults without responsibilities do.

This. I had to explore the world, and trust myself and my process during the course of that exploration.

[Kaylee]

Are we having a second adolescence or just finally living life? But I know what you mean...

I think it's more to do with just living life, finally. :)

Just have to remember that you are comparing yourself to a pretty strict upbringing not mainstream society. I am sure that according to mainstream society the things you are doing are not bad.

Thanks. I'm not really concerned about it being bad or not. None of the things I'm talking about are harmful or illegal, it just seems like most of the people around me with more normal upbringings see certain things as more appropriate for someone younger (ie, going to clubs to see bands, taking up Roller Derby), or as behavior that would be acceptable if I'd been doing it for years but somehow weird or reactionary because I'm jumping into it a little later in life (relationship/lifestyle stuff).

I'm good with things and my husband is for it and sees a lot of it for what it is, doing things I've wanted to but felt like I couldn't because of religious hangups and/or worries about what others would think, but I guess some of my friends are trying to save me from a "crash and burn" type situation if I get all religious again later on and start feeling guilty.

FWIW, I'm 30 now and pretty much had no adolescence. I spent most of my teens in fundie churches, religious girl's homes, and pretty strict Christian schools, except for a year and a half of public school that was pretty awesome, went to a very strict fundie college. Dropped out of fundie U and tried to break away, went to a secular college, met my husband at 19 and moved in with him at 20, then got even more fundie around the time we married, dropped out of school and was drinking copious amounts of Candy/IFB flavored Kool-Aid. I've been sort of coming out of fundy-ism for a couple years and have just pretty much had a total break with it in the last few months, with a lot of life stuff I've been sorting out and realizing I don't believe in God anymore and don't want to because religion, for me, is so tied up with legalistic rules and right-wing anti-woman and anti-gay politics. Since it's pretty much hit that I don't believe, don't really care what people think about most things anymore, and don't consider things sinful or forbidden like I used to, I've been jumping back into some of the things I did during my brief secular periods before and things I'd wanted to try but couldn't because of the religious culture I was in.

[Black Aliss]

I know there are several other ex-fundies here, so I'm wondering if it's pretty normal when you do finally get away from it all to go a bit wild? I'm not really comfortable putting specifics out on the internet right now, but there are things I'm finally "letting" myself do that I felt like I couldn't or shouldn't back when I was religious.

In some ways I feel like part of it may be doing the things I wasn't allowed to in my teens and 20s, so now I'm sort of feeling this whole guilt because maybe I'm supposed to be settling down and being all boring and conventional in my 30s and I worry that going out and having fun could be seen as irresponsible. A couple of my friends have hit me with "oh, I tried that in high school / got that out of my system in college" etc and that wasn't really an option for me.

I left home (and fundiedom) when I was 17 but satan had gotten a good grip on my heart years before. I just didn't like being beaten when I was caught "sinning". That first week of freedom, wow.

It took me quite a while to figure out for myself that there were still good reasons to not do some things, such assmoking, and (well, use your imagination). Part of it is the freedom to do whatever you want to do, but even more, if you were brought up in fundiedom, it's that you don't have experience in critical thinking and making choices for yourself. Some people never acquire the knack, so they retreat back into fundiedom, where they don't have to think too hard or make decisions (and live with the consequences).

[slh12280]

FWIW, I'm 30 now and pretty much had no adolescence. I spent most of my teens in fundie churches, religious girl's homes, and pretty strict Christian schools, except for a year and a half of public school that was pretty awesome, went to a very strict fundie college. Dropped out of fundie U and tried to break away, went to a secular college, met my husband at 19 and moved in with him at 20, then got even more fundie around the time we married, dropped out of school and was drinking copious amounts of Candy/IFB flavored Kool-Aid. I've been sort of coming out of fundy-ism for a couple years and have just pretty much had a total break with it in the last few months, with a lot of life stuff I've been sorting out and realizing I don't believe in God anymore and don't want to because religion, for me, is so tied up with legalistic rules and right-wing anti-woman and anti-gay politics. Since it's pretty much hit that I don't believe, don't really care what people think about most things anymore, and don't consider things sinful or forbidden like I used to, I've been jumping back into some of the things I did during my brief secular periods before and things I'd wanted to try but couldn't because of the religious culture I was in.

[Conuly]

That seems fairly normal to me. You learn to exercise good judgment by practicing, same as you learn every other skill. If you've mostly spent your life either a. doing as your parents said or b. doing as you assume your parents would want, ditchin that authority means you have to find another way to make good choices, one that's not "What Would My Parents Like?"