Fine Examples of "Biblical" Courtship

[Austin]

I found this over at SGMsurvivors where there is some discussion about Josh Harris' books, one of the most influential being I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I thought this commenter's (@Matt) examples of actual biblical courtship were pretty funny:

True “biblical†ways to get a wife as per “courtshipâ€:

1.Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. – (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

2.Find a prostitute and marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3)

3.Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. – Moses (Ex 2:16-21)

4.Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5.Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. – Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6.Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. – Adam (Gen 2:19-24)

7.Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. – Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8.Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife – David (I Samuel 18:27)

9.Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) – Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

10.Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. – Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11.When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.†If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.†– Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

12.Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). – David (2 Samuel 11)

13.Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) – Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

14.Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. – Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

15.A wife?…NOT? – Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

[Deleted02]

#8-um wow WTF??

[xDreamerx]

8 is funny, so is 14. I mean they're all funny, but I liked those two especially.

[dawn]

isn't #11 how courtship is supposed to work? See, it's all in the bible!

[uber frau]

Except for that Samson was a spoiled brat who wanted a wife his parents shouldn't have let him have (a heathen hussy who didn't dress modestly).

[debrand]

#8-um wow WTF??

Before Saul would allow David to marry his daughter, he required the foreskins of their enemies.

The story of what happened to his first wife always angered me. She loved David and helped him escape. While he was hiding from her father, the king married her to another man. When David won the throne, he took her from her husband. The man followed behind her crying. When she nagged David about dancing in front of a crowd, he refused to have sex with her so that she would die childless. The entire time, he was taking many women as his wives.

[Patsy]

Of course, foreskins don't always work. iirc Dinah's brothers asked her rapist for a whole bunch of foreskins, and once they'd got them said "lol, no!", invaded and ransacked the city, and of course carried off a few women so they could commit a few rapes too.

[Deleted02]

Before Saul would allow David to marry his daughter, he required the foreskins of their enemies.

The story of what happened to his first wife always angered me. She loved David and helped him escape. While he was hiding from her father, the king married her to another man. When David won the throne, he took her from her husband. The man followed behind her crying. When she nagged David about dancing in front of a crowd, he refused to have sex with her so that she would die childless. The entire time, he was taking many women as his wives.

I don't know my Bible that well :oops: Thanks for sharing!

That's pretty fucked up IMO

[Justme]

All the more reason why you can't take passages out of context. And why it is better to fellowship with others and have a leader who has gone to Divinity school. The bible can be very difficult to understand. It's better to have conversation and listen to other people's opinions.

Maybe Sarah Maxwell's not married because no man has completed #8. ;)

[Burris]

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. – Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Since the Book of Ruth is my favorite, I really have to quibble here: Ruth needn't have married Boaz. In fact, she sought him out specifically, and propositioned him in a way most fundies would see as bold. (I suspect this is part of the reason why the Book of Ruth, which contains perhaps the best blue-print for marriage in the entire Bible, is often ignored by fundies - well that, and Ruth was a working woman.)

In purchasing the land of his dead kinsman from the widow Naomi, Boaz was participating in a tradition meant to protect widows from penury - an unusual type of the levirate marriage - when he also agreed to marry Ruth as part of the deal.

[contrary]

i wonder where one finds a bag to hold one's captured foreskins? someone ask vision forum if they sell such a thing.

[Gizmola]

Contrary,

I'm sure Lady Lydia could create a pink, glitter covered one for you.

[Patsy]

Alternately, Vision Forum COULD find something for you, if they are your preferred seller - mind, it'll have to be a pretty big bag (I'm assuming you'll be wanting hundreds or thousands of foreskins), so they'll have to mark up the price tenfold.

[MissSeptember]

I don't know if Vision Forum can supply the foreskin bag. However, they can supply you with a helper for the vigorous, sometimes wet, sometimes sweaty, manly romp that is collecting foreskins (he is already a pro at handling penises).

[Deleted02]

Well I don't read the Bible either. To me, it's a book of myths.

[yetanothermeg]

I don't know if Vision Forum can supply the foreskin bag. However, they can supply you with a helper for the vigorous, sometimes wet, sometimes sweaty, manly romp that is collecting foreskins (he is already a pro at handling penises).

OMG I seriously LOLed!

[Witsec6]

Contrary,

I'm sure Lady Lydia could create a pink, glitter covered one for you.

*wipes coffee spit from laptop*

[contrary]

I don't know if Vision Forum can supply the foreskin bag. However, they can supply you with a helper for the vigorous, sometimes wet, sometimes sweaty, manly romp that is collecting foreskins (he is already a pro at handling penises).

HAHAHA. omg. loves.