Ladies - Why do you hook-up?

[mythoughtis]

desertvixen

I didn't comment on the morality of it, and I was NOT calling the women sluts AT ALL. I was answering the question.... which was: WHY do they do it.

Hooking up means one night stands..... and what I listed was possible reasons for doing them

I don't have a problem with women having multiple sex partners over a year (unlike an poster in some forum that I can't remember, but I remember the discussion), and if women have sex because it feels good, that's fine too.

But some women confuse sex with feelings, and those women can fall into hookups for the reasons I stated.... and trust me, I know.

mythoughtis

[Burris]

Dear Mr. Miller:

I don't "hook up"; I devour, like some sort of human-bybrid preying mantis with tits.

With love, from the depths of your own prayer closet,

Burris

[Guest Anonymous]

Dear Mr. Miller:

I don't "hook up"; I devour, like some sort of human-bybrid preying mantis with tits.

With love, from the depths of your own prayer closet,

Burris

/Standing ovation. :clap:

[debrand]

Dear Mr. Miller:

I don't "hook up"; I devour, like some sort of human-bybrid preying mantis with tits.

With love, from the depths of your own prayer closet,

Burris

:lol:

can we get this on a t-shirt

[darkplumaged]

Hane, I think that self-knowledge and then going for relationships that suit you the best *is* sexual autonomy.

I like this.

The assumption behind the question is that no woman would want sex for the sake of sex, with no other motives behind it. One can see from the responses here that that isn't true, but it's an assumption that a lot of people make.

I don't think I am or have ever been capable of enjoying sex with a casual partner. I've never tried it, but even thinking about it right now is making me feel tense. That doesn't mean I don't have sexual thoughts about guys I don't know--it just means that I would never have acted on them when I was single. Sex by itself isn't worth the potential risks to me; my desire for sex or intimacy has never overcome my fear of pregnancy or STDs. People who are not as paranoid as I am probably feel differently--and that's all right. Different strokes (ha ha) for different folks.

[bananacat]

I think that women have been taught to regret having casual sex. We've been told repeatedly that sex is supposed to be about love and if we have casual sex, it's because we are broken, stupid or feel worthless.

Everyone is different. Some people only enjoy sex when they are in an emotional relationship. Those people are not wrong nor are they prudes. They should follow their instincts and not have one night stands

Other people can seperate sex from emotions. Those people are not bad or immoral. They aren't somehow less right than people who choose to have sex with only one person.

I strongly believe that the sex act itself should have no morality attached to it. That doesn't mean that you should cheat on your spouse because lying is wrong. If you promise to be monogamous, you should be monogamous. But I don't think that a couple who is open about having a polyamarous relationship are wrong either. Its the dishonest that is a problem, not the sex itself.

Let go, the reason Don addresses women specifically is because we aren't supposed to be able to separate love from sex.

By the way, everyone should be honest with their own selves. If you want to be in a relationship before you have sex, don't let anyone pressure you into doing things that you don't want to do. And if you want to have one night stands, don't let anyone make you feel guilty. We all have the right to our individual feelings about sex.

Yes, all of this times a million! Especially the being honest with yourself part.

[bananacat]

Well, some young women hook up because they are

5. It feels good

FITY. You're welcome.

[bananacat]

desertvixen

I didn't comment on the morality of it, and I was NOT calling the women sluts AT ALL. I was answering the question.... which was: WHY do they do it.

Hooking up means one night stands..... and what I listed was possible reasons for doing them

I don't have a problem with women having multiple sex partners over a year (unlike an poster in some forum that I can't remember, but I remember the discussion), and if women have sex because it feels good, that's fine too.

But some women confuse sex with feelings, and those women can fall into hookups for the reasons I stated.... and trust me, I know.

mythoughtis

No, hooking up does not just mean one night stands. It can mean anything from making out to full PIV sex, and it can be as casual as a one-night stand or as long-term as several years or decades. What makes it a hook-up is lack of desire for romantic commitment, not how long it last or what specific acts are done. In my hook-up experience, men confuse sex with feelings far more often than women do, which makes sense because society tells them that all men just love casual sex so they are more willing to try it out. One of the hardest parts of my hooking up experience is finding men who truly don't want more than just sex. I have been hooking up for a long time and most of my friends have tried it out at some point or another, and you clearly do not understand me or my friends.

[mythoughtis]

You can define hooking up how you want to.... and I'll define it like I want to..... and like everyone I know who DOESN'T do it any more defines it. And like your prospective boss that overhears you defines it. sorry.... adulthood and marriage will do that to you.

That long term thing.... that's called friends with benefits... unless you truly meet someone for sex long term and aren't friends, which I don't buy. If you do, well, I got no name for that...other than 'safer than using a prostitute'

Making out means making out.... it's not hooking up.

[Rosa]

In my hook-up experience, men confuse sex with feelings far more often than women do, which makes sense because society tells them that all men just love casual sex so they are more willing to try it out. One of the hardest parts of my hooking up experience is finding men who truly don't want more than just sex.

My experience, too.

[Chrystal-J]

I was never the type to pick a guy up. I had enough trouble with the guys I was dating in the traditional way. They always ended up getting obsessed with me and I couldn't get them to leave me alone.

[SquirrelySquirrel]

I don't know, I kind of think he asks a valid question. His motives may not be purely scientific, but it is a good question. And he does mention the option of doing it because it feels good. I have had sex with one person in my life, my husband. I think sex is a very intimate act and cannot imagine "hooking up" with some guy just to feel good. (I would also really worry about getting a disease and just KNOW I would get one if I ever did anything! :shock: ) I also don't think random sex it a good idea for guys, either. For me, having sex with numerous people would sort of diminish the marital relationship, if that makes sense. It just isn't for me. I realize that some people do not attach a great deal of importance to having a sexual relationship, and for them it can be very casual and fun. But for others of us, it can't. So for us, I think the hook up question is valid. I am curious. Are women doing it because they love sex? Or is it because they are wanting to feel love or some kind of connection with someone? Maybe they want different experiences before they settle down with one guy. I don't know, but I am interested in the responses that women will have to this question, especially because it goes against what society dictates for women. Even in 2011 it is still less socially acceptable for women to sleep around than it is for men.

One more observation...Back on the other board (or maybe TWOP?), Doc Sharon once said that in her practice she has had women who were fundie, had sex for the first time on the wedding night, and had only one partner in their lives. None of them regretted that choice. Doc Sharon also said that she has had other patients who had sex with lots of guys and many of them did regret it. As I recall, Doc Sharon said that in her experience, these women were the ones who were messed up emotionally, not the one partner women.

From my experience on this subject, I get the impression that people who feel the way you do about sex don't seem to realize that people like me, who can easily separate sex and emotions, can also enjoy an emotionally-connected sex. I had 2 serious sexual relationships before meeting my now-husband and I had several casual hookups, including a friend with benefits and some one nighters.

With the one nighters and a couple of guys I dated/hooked up with casually, there was no emotion. It was all about lust, and I've never once regretted any of them. With the FWB, there was some emotion but it was on a friend level. There was no gushy love, and we could go from seeing each other a few times a week to a few months between contact. No biggie. And with the 2 boyfriends, and my husband of course, there was/is real emotion and love.

Without these encounters I fear that I wouldn't be as confident as I am that my husband is The One. I'm sure I'd be wondering "what if." But having had the experience I have had, I know that it can't possibly get any better.

Now I have to ask you, rather crudely I'm afraid: Do you not ever just fuck your husband's brains out with no lovey-dovey business? There are times, even though I love my husband more than life itself, and even though I love to 'make love,' that we both just need a seriously primal screwing. Or is this unique to those of us who can separate the two?

[Joykins]

Pleasure, and closeness with another person, even if that physical closeness is only temporary.

I define "hookup" loosely, meaning anything along the continuum from "heavy petting" to actual intercourse, and anyone I may have "hooked up" with during my college years--I'm still friendly with them 20 years later. And I've been happily and faithfully married for 16 years.

[Joykins]

Now I have to ask you, rather crudely I'm afraid: Do you not ever just fuck your husband's brains out with no lovey-dovey business? There are times, even though I love my husband more than life itself, and even though I love to 'make love,' that we both just need a seriously primal screwing. Or is this unique to those of us who can separate the two?

I don't think this is unique to people who can separate the two. Any separation I tried to make between sex and emotion never really worked out for me in the full-satisfaction respect--I'd always pick sex in a relationship over anything more casual, and sometimes, well, you described it well enough!

[duplessis3]

mythoughts - are you a man or a woman - and why are we "they"ing other women? Why do you get to define "hooking up"? I know you said that "everyone else" defines it the way you do but I don't see a definition being offered by you.

I don't really care that Doc Sharon knows of women that regret having multiple sex partners - because the ones that do not regret it are not likely to report that. Some people regret going on roller coasters or gettting a tattoo but that doesn't mean it implies anything about the feelings of other people regarding roller coasters or tattoos.

I totally cosign with bananacat with men being more likely confusing sex with emotion.

And FWIW, my husband and I "hooked up" (had sex)_ before we ever had a date. I doubt we would have gotten together otherwise. I had plenty of sexual partners and while there are things I regret about some of those experiences it doesn't out weigh the good and neutral experiences.

[bananacat]

You can define hooking up how you want to.... and I'll define it like I want to..... and like everyone I know who DOESN'T do it any more defines it. And like your prospective boss that overhears you defines it. sorry.... adulthood and marriage will do that to you.

That long term thing.... that's called friends with benefits... unless you truly meet someone for sex long term and aren't friends, which I don't buy. If you do, well, I got no name for that...other than 'safer than using a prostitute'

Making out means making out.... it's not hooking up.

Friends with benefits is a type of hooking up.

My sex life isn't my boss's business. Hooking up also isn't my entire identity, so I'm not really sure how perspective bosses would even know.

Making out can be considered hooking up by some people, especially those of that don't draw some magical line between PIV intercourse and everything else. I've hooked up with one man who was a technical virgin and didn't want to do PIV, and even though I think the idea of technical virginity is a bit silly, I'm a decent person so I respected him and didn't pressure him to do that specific act. It would be silly to say that the other things we did didn't count as hooking up.

[bananacat]

mythoughts - are you a man or a woman - and why are we "they"ing other women? Why do you get to define "hooking up"? I know you said that "everyone else" defines it the way you do but I don't see a definition being offered by you.

I don't really care that Doc Sharon knows of women that regret having multiple sex partners - because the ones that do not regret it are not likely to report that. Some people regret going on roller coasters or gettting a tattoo but that doesn't mean it implies anything about the feelings of other people regarding roller coasters or tattoos.

I totally cosign with bananacat with men being more likely confusing sex with emotion.

And FWIW, my husband and I "hooked up" (had sex)_ before we ever had a date. I doubt we would have gotten together otherwise. I had plenty of sexual partners and while there are things I regret about some of those experiences it doesn't out weigh the good and neutral experiences.

You have a lot of really great points here.

Some people regretting something doesn't mean it's bad for everyone. Some people probably have hooked up who shouldn't have and regretted it, but I also know of at least one person who didn't hook up when he had the chance and he regretted it. Some people have vasectomies or tubal ligations and regret it, but some people don't have those done and they regret it. Some people regret getting married (or getting married at a certain time or to a certain person) and some people regret not getting married. It's just such an inane argument to say that some people regret hooking up so most people will.

I also had an experience like you were I hooked up with a guy and it later turned into something more serious. We ended up drifting apart when it became long-distance, but that's a different story. We were both hooking up with other people at the same time, and yet we still managed to fall in love and seriously discuss marriage. And guess what? The sex with him was still special even though we had both already had multiple other partners.

[Clementine]

I think that women who regret having "too many" partners either had sex for the wrong reason (they were drunk, did it to please the guys, because they had low self esteem etc) or because their actions still are so shameful in our society.

How can you regret sex if you have it because you enjoy it and has made a conscius desicion about who to have sex with and when? It's like saying "oh, I regret having visited too many countries..."

What I sometimes think is a shame is that younger women are expected to (more or less) have a lot of sex with different partners, but middle aged women are supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. It should be the other way around - I think it's easy to have sex for the "wrong" reasons when you are young and insecure and it's not until later that a lot of us have the confidence to have a great sex based on our own desicions.

I am glad that I had few partners in my 20's because that was best for me then.... but sometimes wish I was single now so I reaaally could enjouy myself, no strings attached.

[muffynbear]

While I may not have had as many partners as some women out there ( I know some women who have had sex with 14+ guys), I do regret my prior hook-ups. There are times when I wish I could go back in time and change my past behaviors. The reasons why I hooked-up varied from drunkenness to boredom to lack of self-respect. Some women are able to separate sex from emotions. I used to be able to do that, but now that I'm older I'm not able to anymore. My views on sex have changed greatly since I was in my late teens/early 20s. This change in perspective has also affected how I view dating/ relationships now. But to answer the original question: Every woman has their own reasons for hooking up. It's really that simple. Some just want to get laid, while others may have different reasons. No one would ever think to ask a man "Why do you hook up?", right?

[ladypuglover]

I don't hook up as I don't think Lordpuglover would like me bring home strange men to our bed. :snooty: But maybe I would in another life or maybe not.

I don't have any issue with those who do hook up. Doesn't effect me any but I will admit to judging those who have 120 different partners in a single year. Male or female. And yes, I have met people who claim that and are proud of it.

[DamnPrecious]

I found it more thrilling, my sister and my niece agree.

[FlorenceHamilton]

I blame the whole problem is the way sex is defined in Western culture. Abrahamic culture, in general, actually. As long as we see sex as a commodity to be taken by men and to be given by women, human beings will be messed up about sex. The whole discussion about how women feel if they "gave themselves" away to too many men, because they had poor judgement, because they were looking for love, etc is based on assumption of this mindset.

Step out of the standard assumptions about sex and the whole paradigm changes.

The desire for sex is common to all humans (lots of other animals too). It is a gratifying, satifying activity that sometimes results in new little humans. Sometimes not. We need to see sex in the same way we see food, clothing and shelter. There are those with lower standards and those with higher standards. Gorging on low quality food is disgusting. Having lots of meanngless sex with random people is also disgusting. Being a "foodie" and trying many kinds of food, even the unusual, as long as it is prepared well and we are prepared well for consumption is life enhancing. Same with sex. Just like food, sex can be contaminated with diseases. We need to protect ourselves againt these diseases by preparing correctly and by having descerning taste. Both sex and food are essential parts of life.

We need to get over the whole purity thing. Many folks who are into more casual encounters are often still battling the sex as sin thing we learned as children. It is this cognitive dissonence that messes people up. Once we completely let go of the Abrahamic view of sex, we are free to be polyamorous or monogamous as it suits each of us.

[Austin]

I don't know, I kind of think he asks a valid question. His motives may not be purely scientific, but it is a good question. And he does mention the option of doing it because it feels good. I have had sex with one person in my life, my husband. I think sex is a very intimate act and cannot imagine "hooking up" with some guy just to feel good. (I would also really worry about getting a disease and just KNOW I would get one if I ever did anything! :shock: ) I also don't think random sex it a good idea for guys, either. For me, having sex with numerous people would sort of diminish the marital relationship, if that makes sense. It just isn't for me. I realize that some people do not attach a great deal of importance to having a sexual relationship, and for them it can be very casual and fun. But for others of us, it can't. So for us, I think the hook up question is valid. I am curious. Are women doing it because they love sex? Or is it because they are wanting to feel love or some kind of connection with someone? Maybe they want different experiences before they settle down with one guy. I don't know, but I am interested in the responses that women will have to this question, especially because it goes against what society dictates for women. Even in 2011 it is still less socially acceptable for women to sleep around than it is for men.

One more observation...Back on the other board (or maybe TWOP?), Doc Sharon once said that in her practice she has had women who were fundie, had sex for the first time on the wedding night, and had only one partner in their lives. None of them regretted that choice. Doc Sharon also said that she has had other patients who had sex with lots of guys and many of them did regret it. As I recall, Doc Sharon said that in her experience, these women were the ones who were messed up emotionally, not the one partner women.

Could you please provide a link to where DocSharon wrote this, as you did attempt to represent her view of this?

I have only ever dated one man and I married him 29 years ago and have been faithful in mind and body. I don't regret that because that was and remains my choice. But my choices have nothing to do with other people's choices, and my choices do not validate or invalidate the choices of others. And I don't need others to validate my choice by taking the same path or talking about how my path is superior.

So while I have no problem with your choice at all, and on the surface it does seem very similar to my choice, I do find your words to be judgmental and a little shaming. You pose them as a question, but it doesn't sound like you're really asking.

[titus2_4u]

I don't think it's correct to lump Don Miller in with the fundies. He's progressive on a lot of issues, but for some reason, when discussing gender roles and sex, he falls back into using fundamentalist rhetoric.

He poses the same question to men on his blog, but in that one doesn't call it "giving it up," he's straightforward and unassuming with the guys.

Christian feminists called him out on some posts he did a few weeks ago about dating that included some ugly things like victim-blaming, talking down to women, and reverted to bad stereotypes. Unlike most writers, Don Miller saw the error of his ways and graciously apologized. I think this is something he's trying to explore. I have hope that he could come around and be an ally in the end.

[Rosa]

I don't know, given that women are half the human race, and more than half of professing Christians, I would say being totally progressive on everything else BUT gender is like being completely clean except for your skin.