Musser family - disabled son dies in accidental drowning

[LilMissMetaphor]

She seems like a really loving person, and I don't think the drowning is any "fault" of hers. She really means well, and

has a good and kind heart.

But if what I am reading is correct, she was at home alone with 8 children, three of whom had special needs, at the

time Tommy drowned. Although she was getting some help at times, that's just a lot of kids to care for.

I think she's bordering on child collecting. Just my thoughts, and I wish the family well.

I agree. Not only were the parents clearly struggling, the other siblings were having issues with all the extra time that had to be devoted to Tommy.

I also can't help wondering if she will adopt again, in perhaps some misguided attempt to make up for what happened, all under the "it's what God wants" umbrella that is so convenient for our fundies. I've no doubt she's genuinely grieving and will continue to grieve for him, and that when enough time has passed their family might be ready to adopt again, but I almost wonder if it's not...better to leave well enough alone now.

[chaotic life]

I'll put a caveat because not all adoptions are handled by ethical agencies. However, reputable and ethical adoption agencies would never approve you to adopt again for at least a year after a death in the family.

I will also say that while multiple special needs children are hard to manage (btdt), when you have older, normal children in the house, it doesn't feel as difficult when it is *your* normal.

The death of a child is devastating. It's devastating for the other children left behind and devastating as the parent.

[Seren Ann]

youtube.com/watch?v=cwc5n2zpVQs

[August]

She seems like a really loving person, and I don't think the drowning is any "fault" of hers. She really means well, and

has a good and kind heart.

But if what I am reading is correct, she was at home alone with 8 children, three of whom had special needs, at the

time Tommy drowned. Although she was getting some help at times, that's just a lot of kids to care for.

I think she's bordering on child collecting. Just my thoughts, and I wish the family well.

She wasn't going to adopt any more. She gave birth to Verity, who has T21, then decided to adopt a child with T21 and discovered the horror of Pleven. After Katie was settled she went back for Tommy, who was about to age out of the system. She was seriously struggling with three special needs kids (although Verity almost doesn't count because she wasn't neglected) and admitted it, and called in help and sent Tommy and Katie to school and got nurses and aides from the county. I violently disagree with her discipline methods and think that if anyone was going to school it should have been the typically developing kids, and that a family that size is just a friendlier orphanage, and she is a religious wacko who thinks the devil follows her around personally doing stuff to her. BUT she adopted one at a time, considering each child and her resources as she went, and very much seemed to care about them as individuals.

I also wonder if she'll adopt again soon. Maybe she'll wait until her current kids are much older. Her youngest, Ben, was born just after Katie came home (Katie is 12 or 13, Verity is about 4 or 5?)

[chaotic life]

Only Katie and Tommy are adopted in the first place. They are a large, quiverful family. Verity was born to them and had Down's Syndrome and that led them to adopt Katie who also had Down's Syndrome.

IIRC, Katie was in Pleven Orphanage. Yes, I just reviewed on the blog to be sure I was remembering correctly. The Mussers did not intend to adopt at all until Verity. Then, their only intention was to adopt Katie. What she saw at Pleven changed her forever. Tommy was one of the Pleven children that she met when she went to see Katie the first time. She fell in love with Tommy, but she knew she was not in a position to adopt again anytime soon.

This mother spent tireless energy securing adoptive homes for nearly EVERY one of the Pleven orphans who were so severely neglected that they were near death, well those who survived because a few still died as advocacy groups, lawyers and medical professionals worked to save them and oust the murderous crook who was killing them.

Her original intention was not to adopt Tommy but to advocate and find him a family just like she did all of the other kids. No family stepped forward for Tommy and eventually they stepped forward themselves to adopt them.

Yes, she got overwhelmed. She was an insulated, isolated homeschooling, SAHM QF fundie when she started her journey. It took her time to realize that her paradigm was not going to fit to the life she embarked upon with these two adoptions. She altered her choices and got the support and services all three of the special needs children needed.

This is Katie's story that started the entire Pleven discover and changes:

theblessingofverity.com/2012/10/the-story-of-katies-adoption/

[Mama Mia]

Wow, if there is a hell I think that Plevin Orphanage Director would be on the short list of monsters who should go there. What a horrible horrible person.

[sparkles]

I just read Katie's adoption story. I was okay until I got to the photo of 17-month-old Verity lying next to 9-1/2 year old Katie and then I lost it completely. I mean trembling, wracking sobs. I'm barely holding it together now. Whatever the Mussers religious beliefs, they saved this little girl's life and they were moved to save countless others as well. Their intentions were not to gather up little soldiers for Christ, without regard to their culture or history, it was to give these children a chance to have a loving home and family. My heart breaks for them and the terrible loss they've suffered but at least they have the comfort of knowing that they gave their son the best of everything.

As for the woman who ran the Pleven orphanage, I can only hope that someone ties HER to a bed, starves her and allows her to lie in her own waste day after day, without any human contact. There are no words to describe they way I feel about people like her.

[Terrie]

I blame the rescue mentality of the Christian "international adoption as rescue" movement. The Mussers apparently were unsure of their ability to handle a third special needs/second severe special needs child, but everyone in the movement, from the church to their agency, encouraged them to move forward, rather than having a serious sit down and discussion of the logistics of handling that many high need kids.

[momof2treasures]

This all may be true but it seems that she just couldn't bear to leave this child Unadopted in this hell of an orphanage. It is gut wrenching just for us to read about it but imagine going there and bringing one of these kids home. I think she did an amazing thing helping find families for these kids and I imagine she was haunted by this child not being placed. When I first read this story i thought it was neglectful but all parents have done something that in hindsight could have ended badly. It just usually doesn't.

[Mama Mia]

I blame the rescue mentality of the Christian "international adoption as rescue" movement. The Mussers apparently were unsure of their ability to handle a third special needs/second severe special needs child, but everyone in the movement, from the church to their agency, encouraged them to move forward, rather than having a serious sit down and discussion of the logistics of handling that many high need kids.

She stepped out of the room to get something while her child was in the bath. A horrible accident happened. That doesn't mean she was over her head or she had a rescue mentality. Even if another adult was at home helping she very well may have left the room expecting him to be safe.

[August]

She stepped out of the room to get something while her child was in the bath. A horrible accident happened. That doesn't mean she was over her head or she had a rescue mentality. Even if another adult was at home helping she very well may have left the room expecting him to be safe.

No, she said months ago she was in over her head, that she couldn't cope. That's why Katie and Tommy were going to school. Tommy didn't die because she struggling, but she was most definitely struggling, as anyone would.

With Tommy there was a deadline. He was within months (possibly weeks) of aging out to an afult institution, where people die quite quickly. If you can believe it, apparently they're worse than Pleven.

[Terrie]

She stepped out of the room to get something while her child was in the bath. A horrible accident happened. That doesn't mean she was over her head or she had a rescue mentality. Even if another adult was at home helping she very well may have left the room expecting him to be safe.

She didn't "just" step out of the room. She left him long enough for the water to be turned on, the tub to fill, Tommy to drown and another child to be the one to find him. Please understand that I don't think this was anything but a horrific, terrible accident, but it happened because she was trying to juggle too much at once. Now the whole family is traumatized and Tommy is dead because of a movement that not only enables but encourages people to take on more and more.

[chaotic life]

Children can drown in 2 inches of water. While articles said the bath water was turned on, I haven't seen anything that said how much water was actually in the tub, nor any speculation on how long he was left in the tub unsupervised.

I do think Tommy turned the water on when she stepped out, but I haven't seen anything to indicate it took a very long time per se.

[Mama Mia]

She didn't "just" step out of the room. She left him long enough for the water to be turned on, the tub to fill, Tommy to drown and another child to be the one to find him. Please understand that I don't think this was anything but a horrific, terrible accident, but it happened because she was trying to juggle too much at once. Now the whole family is traumatized and Tommy is dead because of a movement that not only enables but encourages people to take on more and more.

I'm sorry, I think that's an extremely unfair assessment of her particular situation.

I understand she was stressed out and overwhelmed and doing too much. I understand that her particular religious group places too many demands on women.

But drowning in a tub accidents can occur very quickly, and can happen in any type of family. My dad was an insurance claims adjuster for awhile when I was a little kid and I overheard horrific stories of little kids drowning, so as a parent I supervised my kids in the bath much longer than other people I knew. But at some point any parent will judge the child is physically / developmentally able to be left alone for a bit in a bath tub.

I don't like it when people blame accidents on specific lifestyles if there isn't a clear reason to. Sure blame Pearl followers when their kids are beaten to death, or blame parents who pray over their comatose toddler instead of calling an ambulance - those deaths are directly caused by a belief system.

But I think you get on to dangerous ground when you start talking about being overwhelmed or stressed being a cause. I had a full-time job while raising my kids. I was sometimes single. I was frequently overwhelmed and stressed out of my mind. If a tragic accident occurred while I was rushing around trying to get my kids ready and out the door on time for daycare and jobs would it be appropriate if a bunch of fundamentalists talked about how my lifestyle was to blame? That if I gave up my job and stayed home, and wasn't an immoral single parent, my child would be alive--- that it's a feminist lifestyle at the root of the problem---would that be acceptable or accurate?

What's the difference?

[Terrie]

To be fair, her tub might fill faster than mine. I love in a house with old, crappy plumbing that is due to be be replaced, so even getting two inches of water in my tub takes over 5 minutes. Even if their tub fills more quickly, I still find it concerning that she was far enough away/preoccupied enough to NOT hear the water turn on. I say this not to place blame on Susanna Musser, because it makes my heart ache to know she will blame herself for the rest of her life, but because it points to the fact that she was put in a situation where she was stretched thin enough that it's not shocking that something bad happened. It's only shocking that it was this bad.

I'm also disturbingly reminded right now of people who poo-poo things like modern car seats with accusations of "What? Should we child-proof the whole world? Everyone I know survived just fine being held in their mom's lap in the car." The fact is that the rescue adoption movement puts TONS of pressure on families to adopt children and lots of them. Concerns about resources are met with a glib "God will provide" attitude. And when tragedy happens, there are excuses upon excuses of how that attitude didn't play a role, and no one should look to closely at the issue.

On another angle, I read a recent critique that compared our response to this case to what happens when, say, a young black mother is forced to leave her kids home alone while she goes to a job interview, because she has no one to watch her kids. Both are the results of a lack of support system, but one gets sympathy and the other gets her kids taken away and told she should have never had them if she doesn't have the resources to take care of them.

[Kailash]

I read most of her blog months before this accident happened. I don't think that they adopted Tommy because they wanted to, as much as because they felt like they had to, for his sake. If that makes sense to anyone else. And plenty of terrible accidents happen to families with much fewer children. I cannot find fault with them adopting Tommy, even if they did get in over their head. I feel like they did have his best interests at heart. My heart breaks for all involved, especially his siblings.

[Mama Mia]

On another angle, I read a recent critique that compared our response to this case to what happens when, say, a young black mother is forced to leave her kids home alone while she goes to a job interview, because she has no one to watch her kids. Both are the results of a lack of support system, but one gets sympathy and the other gets her kids taken away and told she should have never had them if she doesn't have the resources to take care of them.

I agree there can be a discrepancy in attitudes based on demographic factors. But I think lately most of this difference in attitude is coming primarily from the police and related officials and authority figures. And of course a few very vocal die-hard racists /classists who spread hate on the Internet as a full-time hobby.

I think most people, including most media stories, are very sympathetic to the parents who are being arrested and/or having their children taken away because they aren't in line of site supervision 24/7/365 until they leave for college. I think most people are appalled by the over-reaction and extreme helicopter parenting that is required if Big Brother swoops in when a kid walks to the park alone.

Something I think will be interesting in the next few decades is to see how these extremely over-monitored kids function as adults. Particularly as I think the typical kid experiences of finding kids to play with and unstructured time to explore and negotiate and problem solve with out adults around is going to be very limited . And my guess is the kids who get the most experience in building those kind of independent skills are primarily going to be lower income kids who live in apartment complexes with courtyards and little playgrounds-- not the more middle income kids who used to roam suburban streets from a young age.

[August]

I heard the mothers of two of these helicoptered kids aboutto flythe coop to college talking in the storage section of Target last week. Suffice to say, their mothers don't think they're capable of wiping their own asses without help.

But, I think you're shifting the focus from real, actual dangerous situations onto faux-dangerous situations.

[Mama Mia]

I heard the mothers of two of these helicoptered kids aboutto flythe coop to college talking in the storage section of Target last week. Suffice to say, their mothers don't think they're capable of wiping their own asses without help.

But, I think you're shifting the focus from real, actual dangerous situations onto faux-dangerous situations.

Yeah, sorry. I just think it kind of all blends together and it's hard to draw a line. You probably have a range of " normal" parenting that includes both parents who still stay in the room when their 7 year old is in the tub, and 7 year olds who walk home after school, make themselves a snack and are perfectly fine until mom gets home from work a couple hours later.

[Want More Babies]

Yeah, sorry. I just think it kind of all blends together and it's hard to draw a line. You probably have a range of " normal" parenting that includes both parents who still stay in the room when their 7 year old is in the tub, and 7 year olds who walk home after school, make themselves a snack and are perfectly fine until mom gets home from work a couple hours later.

I know where I live that our apartment complex manager would call CPS if she found out a 7 year old was home alone.

We have a playground in the middle of the complex, and they won't allow a child out there who is 10 unless the parent is sitting right there. CPS has been called before for children outside playing without a parent present.

As a parent to adults and younger children, I can't believe how much things have changed. I used to let my older children play outside with their friends at 10. Here, where we currently live, that is not allowed.

There is a mom at our complex who will not allow her children to play anywhere that she cannot see them, and the oldest boy is nine. He must always be in sight of his mother. He can't go behind a building, off to the edge of a building, etc. Her children must always be able to see her.

[Mama Mia]

I know where I live that our apartment complex manager would call CPS if she found out a 7 year old was home alone.

We have a playground in the middle of the complex, and they won't allow a child out there who is 10 unless the parent is sitting right there. CPS has been called before for children outside playing without a parent present.

As a parent to adults and younger children, I can't believe how much things have changed. I used to let my older children play outside with their friends at 10. Here, where we currently live, that is not allowed.

There is a mom at our complex who will not allow her children to play anywhere that she cannot see them, and the oldest boy is nine. He must always be in sight of his mother. He can't go behind a building, off to the edge of a building, etc. Her children must always be able to see her.

That's so sad. Where I live, my daughter is in a subsidized apartment and the kids, even little ones, play outside on the lawn without their parents. I assume it's gotten more stringent in the past couple years - but in my area it's stil generally okay with CPS if a child is home alone after school - as long as they can demonstrate they know what to do in an emergency. They don't have a set age- but base it on the individual child's maturity and knowledge. Which I think makes much more sense-- I know with my kids there was one who would of been perfectly fine alone at 7, another who probably should have had a sitter until he was 22 :D . I think my area tends to be a little more lenient with kids taking care of themselves because we have a combination of a very, very high cost of living and many undocumented families -- so there aren't a lot of parents who can afford to stay home, and many can't afford or aren't eligible for childcare help. Although you do get the occasional rookie who will freak out over a child in the park.

[Terrie]

I worked in libraries for a while, and at least one had the rule that the police would be called for an abandoned child if a child under 7 was unattended at the library and under 10 if they were waiting for a ride after closing.

[Rebelwife]

I worked in libraries for a while, and at least one had the rule that the police would be called for an abandoned child if a child under 7 was unattended at the library and under 10 if they were waiting for a ride after closing.

That makes sense to me, though, because in a way the parents have put the kid under your supervision whether you want that responsibility or not. To me that's different than a child playing in a park or their own front yard without a parent in sight where no one has any expectation that an adult "in charge" will handle things.

Edited to add: I say this as a parent who had no problem with her 3rd grader walking home along from school (1/2 mile) and staying by herself for 30 minutes or so until I could get home with her older sister. As long as I know where my kids are generally heading and that they have sunscreen on, they are free to roam the neighborhood as long as they're home when expected.

[GiGi_41]

In Wisconsin, a child can be left home when the parents feel that they are responsible enough to do so. When I went through foster carer training, one of the scenarios was a mother who had a 9 year old and then two sick younger children, mom had to go to work, so she took the child out of school to watch the sick children. Taking the child out of school is more of an offense then the child staying home alone watching the younger children.

[elsabee]

I read most of her blog months before this accident happened. I don't think that they adopted Tommy because they wanted to, as much as because they felt like they had to, for his sake. If that makes sense to anyone else. And plenty of terrible accidents happen to families with much fewer children. I cannot find fault with them adopting Tommy, even if they did get in over their head. I feel like they did have his best interests at heart. My heart breaks for all involved, especially his siblings.

Completely agree with this. I've read this blog on and off for years. So sad.