To My Future Husband

[Kira]

Last night I was introduced to twitter account @FutureHusbandmy. It's by "two simple ladies sending messages to their future husbands while trying to give hope to girls".

[Closed Womb]

This is creepy. I get that there is a "future husband" thing. Heck, even my Catholic upbringing taught me that if I was not going to take orders, I should be praying for the well being of "Future Spouse", and that was in the 1980s.

But what the hell is this list of commands and questions that shouldn't be questions?

From the public account:

"Dear my future husband, I'm sorry for when I get into my moods, just be there for me and I'll get over it soon enough."

Are they only speaking for themselves here? If they are not, maybe I want to be left alone if I'm in "one of my moods" (how misogynistic is THAT, btw?) If they are, how the hell are they "giving hope to [other] girls" with this drivel?

"Dear my future husband, I find you to be the most attractive man no matter what????????"

This seems mean. Should this be a question? Should any question end with multiple question marks?

"Dear my future husband, I will never stop loving you. And i won't ever go a day without telling you how much I love you."

Aww. So sweet. But, real life check -- even if you have the perfect marriage, surely a day will go by. Like, perhaps, the day I couldn't get to the hospital right after my husband's major operation because of a massive downtown celebration (thankfully, I knew he would not regain consciousness that day.) No visit, no consciousness, no I love yous.

PS -- have we lost our quote boxes with this change?

[louisa05]

This one screams codependent relationship:

Dear my future husband, you're the only one I want to talk to or trust to cheer me up when I feeling down

It is not healthy to only have one person that you trust to support you. It is also an unfair burden on that person, especially in times of trial and crisis. And if your spouse cannot be there for you, you need others to support you and all kinds of circumstances can mean that your partner cannot. My dad has cancer and side effects have left him needing my mother to do nearly everything for him. She needs and has other people in her life to go to for support, and it would be extremely bad for her if she did not. He can't be that for her right now.

My husband truly appreciates that I have a best friend who is like a sister and an enormous source of support for me through my parents' issues as well. He knows he can't be all things to me nor can I be for him.

(also...grammar fail)

[2xx1xy1JD]

I get that people have creative imaginations, and think about the future. While I never had "future husband" thoughts myself (I met my future husband long before I was thinking of marriage), I did have some "future baby" thoughts, and occasionally I'll think about what my kids will be like as future spouses and parents.

That said....I don't think it's that great to obsess about it.

Once upon a time, I had a crush on someone. I remember spending hours upon hours thinking about him and fantasizing about what it would be like if we were together. It was like a whole alternate reality.

In fact, I barely knew the guy. We spoke a few times. That was it. I was in love with a figment of my imagination. Years later, that became painfully obviously, when the police released a warning to the public about him.

Real relationships are based on real people. Saying "I will always love you" or "I will always find you attractive" means absolutely nothing when it doesn't refer to an actual person.

[louisa05]

I get that people have creative imaginations, and think about the future. While I never had "future husband" thoughts myself (I met my future husband long before I was thinking of marriage), I did have some "future baby" thoughts, and occasionally I'll think about what my kids will be like as future spouses and parents.

That said....I don't think it's that great to obsess about it.

Once upon a time, I had a crush on someone. I remember spending hours upon hours thinking about him and fantasizing about what it would be like if we were together. It was like a whole alternate reality.

In fact, I barely knew the guy. We spoke a few times. That was it. I was in love with a figment of my imagination. Years later, that became painfully obviously, when the police released a warning to the public about him.

Real relationships are based on real people. Saying "I will always love you" or "I will always find you attractive" means absolutely nothing when it doesn't refer to an actual person.

I know someone who kept a "future husband journal" where she wrote crap like this. She is kind of quietly disappointed with her real husband and real life because it doesn't really measure up to the fantasy she created in her little journal. I also know someone who made a very long list of traits, likes, dislikes and habits her future husband must have when she was about 20. It included specifics down to what kind of shoes and socks he would wear and that he would have a tenor singing voice. She is turning 43 next month and is still single. No one is ever going to meet all those requirements. And of course the list includes things like not previously married or in a long term relationship. Because there are a lot of men with blue eyes, dark brown hair, tenor voices, perfect socks, who love Star Wars and rom-coms, are over 6' but under 6'6", and have never been in a long term relationship AND are age appropriate for a 43 year old woman to date. That guy is going to ring her doorbell any minute. Or so she still tells us.

[2xx1xy1JD]

Standards and shared interests are good. Creating impossible lists that no one person could possibly meet is not.

I have a male friend like that. Ideally, he wants a woman who is younger than him. And really hot. And who is religious enough to live an Orthodox Jewish lifestyle. And who ideally doesn't have kids, doesn't want to have kids, but will be a good step-mother to his kids. And who is willing to have hot sex before marriage. And who isn't crazy. And who has some money. And who is willing to marry a guy in his 40s who has kids and a nasty ex, and who still lives in his mother's house because the divorce wiped out his assets.

Surprise, surprise, he's still single. We have other mutual friends who managed to get remarried, but their lists were more like, "nice person, reasonably attractive, gets along with my kids, willing to respect my religious observance even if we have differences, love each other and enjoy spending time together".

[ariel9]

Spoiler alert your future husband is not going to take the time to go to Twitter and read your operating manual. I think writing those things makes you look crazy and takes all the fun out of getting to know someone along with the communication. You could just tell your guy what you like. If you insist on looking like a borderline psycho keep it to yourself or between close friends not for the entire internet which is now the world to see.

[chaotic life]

I used to fantasize about my future husband and marriage as much as the next pre-pubescent girl. However, if you cannot transition out of the fairy tale into reality, then like the PP demonstrated, there isn't going to BE a future husband.

The reality is that relationships are about more than a lovey dovey feeling. They are about communication and compromises. More often than not, love is not a flutter of butterflies in your stomach but swallowing your temper when you discover he just ruined your favorite spa towel by cleaning up cat pee with it. It's about making a choice to love, not a feeling that means you love. Love is an action verb, a choice you make to show love whether you feel it or not. Fantasy is great to pass the time when you are bored, but if you can't get that it's fantasy, then you are never going to recognize the reality of love when the opportunity shows up.

[Antimony]

The only time I have like marriage fantasies is when I'm already in a relationship with someone and I'm either smitten or trying to imagine what we'd be like.

Also, I don't know if this is the same author or whatever but there was a girl on deviant art that made a bunch of these that were kind of creepy. (I think I am breaking the link correctly?)

http:// shock777.deviantart.com /gallery/37160197

Trying to figure out how to grab the worst of them to post but having trouble -- anyway, check them out. He doesn't have any physical attributes, really, because of him being unknown and all that. It is very weird.

[Coco]

I used to fantasize about my future husband and marriage as much as the next pre-pubescent girl. However, if you cannot transition out of the fairy tale into reality, then like the PP demonstrated, there isn't going to BE a future husband.

The reality is that relationships are about more than a lovey dovey feeling. They are about communication and compromises. More often than not, love is not a flutter of butterflies in your stomach but swallowing your temper when you discover he just ruined your favorite spa towel by cleaning up cat pee with it. It's about making a choice to love, not a feeling that means you love. Love is an action verb, a choice you make to show love whether you feel it or not. Fantasy is great to pass the time when you are bored, but if you can't get that it's fantasy, then you are never going to recognize the reality of love when the opportunity shows up.

That made me laugh out loud. So true! These girls are going to be missing the chance they had to learn how to be a whole person without needing someone else when they're in the middle of a real relationship. Real life just sucks sometimes. You gotta be able to stand alone and get over it.

[Toothfairy]

I used to fantasize about my future husband and marriage as much as the next pre-pubescent girl. However, if you cannot transition out of the fairy tale into reality, then like the PP demonstrated, there isn't going to BE a future husband.

The reality is that relationships are about more than a lovey dovey feeling. They are about communication and compromises. More often than not, love is not a flutter of butterflies in your stomach but swallowing your temper when you discover he just ruined your favorite spa towel by cleaning up cat pee with it. It's about making a choice to love, not a feeling that means you love. Love is an action verb, a choice you make to show love whether you feel it or not. Fantasy is great to pass the time when you are bored, but if you can't get that it's fantasy, then you are never going to recognize the reality of love when the opportunity shows up.

(Like)

[DaffyDill]

Also, I don't know if this is the same author or whatever but there was a girl on deviant art that made a bunch of these that were kind of creepy. (I think I am breaking the link correctly?)

http:// shock777.deviantart.com /gallery/37160197

Trying to figure out how to grab the worst of them to post but having trouble -- anyway, check them out. He doesn't have any physical attributes, really, because of him being unknown and all that. It is very weird.

You're right. That shit is CREEPY! It looks like she thinks her ideal future husband is some kind of androgynous alien...

The pictures would be better with just the girl in them and no odd representation of the guy, IMHO.

And BTW? To break a link, just take out the http://www. and leave the rest. Don't put spaces and stuff in :P

Like this: shock777.deviantart.com/gallery/37160197

[Coco]

You're right. That shit is CREEPY! It looks like she thinks her ideal future husband is some kind of androgynous alien...

Are all her future kids going to look like Caillou? :lol:

[OgrePrincess]

If you've spent too many years up in that tower daydreaming about your imaginary future prince, you run the risk of accidentally marrying a total Farquaad because you don't know any better and overlooking your actual True Love because he doesn't fit the description in your head. (Fortunately, like my fictional alter-ego, I wised up and lived happily ogre after. These chicks... I don't think that's gonna happen.)

[Antimony]

Ohmygod they do look like Caillou. Now the theme song for that show is in my head. Ahhhhhh.

[Rainytown]

The reality is that relationships are about more than a lovey dovey feeling. They are about communication and compromises.

I heartily agree. Relationships are work. There are people who think that since they are in love, there is no such thing as "work". I grind my teeth every time I hear that "Love Story" quote -- you know the one: Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Bullshit.

Love means saying you're sorry when you've hurt or wronged your partner. Love means you give 100% when you'd rather not give anything at all. Love means you'll put in the effort to talk and to listen to your partner, even when you are exhausted and at the end of your rope.

I write romance novels. My characters get their happily ever after, but they're not perfect, and I deliberately write them as such. I want the women (and some guys) who read my work to know that they should expect to have a happy, mutually supportive, loving relationship in real life, and it takes work to get there. Relationships aren't built in a day. The couples we see that have been married 40, 50, 60 years didn't get there by accident. I've been married to my husband for twenty years. He's not perfect. Neither am I. Our marriage isn't perfect, but we are still working on it. He knows my worst faults and he still loves me. I feel the same about him.

It's easy to theorize before the actual event what it's like to live with another adult. The ladies that are writing the "My Future Husband" Twitter account may be amazed to discover how different marriage is than their beliefs on how things are going to go. They're also going to be surprised at what happens after years and years with the same person. All the things that attracted you in the first place are on their way out -- his hair. Her figure. The hot car is now a wagon with a third row for the kids' friends. An exciting evening is Netflix and a bowl of popcorn. There's doctor bills and job losses and new shoes for the kids every other week. It's not moonlight and romance, but those who want a life partner and a true companion instead of the new and shiny may be pleasantly surprised.

[louisa05]

I heartily agree. Relationships are work. There are people who think that since they are in love, there is no such thing as "work". I grind my teeth every time I hear that "Love Story" quote -- you know the one: Love means never having to say you're sorry.

Bullshit.

Love means saying you're sorry when you've hurt or wronged your partner. Love means you give 100% when you'd rather not give anything at all. Love means you'll put in the effort to talk and to listen to your partner, even when you are exhausted and at the end of your rope.

I write romance novels. My characters get their happily ever after, but they're not perfect, and I deliberately write them as such. I want the women (and some guys) who read my work to know that they should expect to have a happy, mutually supportive, loving relationship in real life, and it takes work to get there. Relationships aren't built in a day. The couples we see that have been married 40, 50, 60 years didn't get there by accident. I've been married to my husband for twenty years. He's not perfect. Neither am I. Our marriage isn't perfect, but we are still working on it. He knows my worst faults and he still loves me. I feel the same about him.

It's easy to theorize before the actual event what it's like to live with another adult. The ladies that are writing the "My Future Husband" Twitter account may be amazed to discover how different marriage is than their beliefs on how things are going to go. They're also going to be surprised at what happens after years and years with the same person. All the things that attracted you in the first place are on their way out -- his hair. Her figure. The hot car is now a wagon with a third row for the kids' friends. An exciting evening is Netflix and a bowl of popcorn. There's doctor bills and job losses and new shoes for the kids every other week. It's not moonlight and romance, but those who want a life partner and a true companion instead of the new and shiny may be pleasantly surprised.

One of the problems for fundies/evangelicals is that purity culture idealizes both marriage and sex and in the process leads people to believe that marriage is primarily about romance and sex. I told a single woman steeped in those ideas recently that the majority of marriage is not about sex at all and she looked at me with the worst look of disappointment I've seen in a long while and then concluded that I have a bad marriage. She was also disappointed to learn that we don't have candlelight dinners and didn't "gaze lovingly" at each other all evening on our first date.

I am an outlier, though, because I hate the whole "marriage is hard work" thing. For us, it isn't. Work is hard work. Home is home and our marriage is home not a job. And before you come tell me that we know nothing because we are too young or not married long enough or haven't gone through anything hard. Here's the run down: we were both past 30 when we got married five years ago, we've lost two jobs each since our engagement, we have struggled financially non-stop for the last four years, and have dealt with learning that I may lose my sight, and with caring for my parents because my mother has lost nearly all of hers and my dad has stage iv cancer. We've had plenty of troubles. But being together gets us through it and that is not something that requires work.

[twinmama]

I'm trying to imagine my husband's reaction if I assigned him a daily praise report for homework. LMFAO. Is that the fundie version of "how was your day today dear?"

[Antimony]

I'm trying to imagine my husband's reaction if I assigned him a daily praise report for homework. LMFAO. Is that the fundie version of "how was your day today dear?"

I googled it. There is an entire website where people submit them. It sounds like casual testimonies, I think?

wau.org/prayer/praise_reports/

They're also thanking others for prayers after submitting prayer requests. It is very boring.

[twinmama]

One of the problems for fundies/evangelicals is that purity culture idealizes both marriage and sex and in the process leads people to believe that marriage is primarily about romance and sex. I told a single woman steeped in those ideas recently that the majority of marriage is not about sex at all and she looked at me with the worst look of disappointment I've seen in a long while and then concluded that I have a bad marriage. She was also disappointed to learn that we don't have candlelight dinners and didn't "gaze lovingly" at each other all evening on our first date.

I am an outlier, though, because I hate the whole "marriage is hard work" thing. For us, it isn't. Work is hard work. Home is home and our marriage is home not a job. And before you come tell me that we know nothing because we are too young or not married long enough or haven't gone through anything hard. Here's the run down: we were both past 30 when we got married five years ago, we've lost two jobs each since our engagement, we have struggled financially non-stop for the last four years, and have dealt with learning that I may lose my sight, and with caring for my parents because my mother has lost nearly all of hers and my dad has stage iv cancer. We've had plenty of troubles. But being together gets us through it and that is not something that requires work.

My parents say the exact same thing. They've been married for 37 years so far. I've been married for 5 and agree, calling it work makes it sound like something you aren't happy to do. I am happy to do the things it takes to keep my marriage healthy, they don't seem like work or bad sacrifices.

I won't speak for anyone else, but the hard shit we've been through since we got married has brought us much closer together. I got laid off 4 months after we got married, we moved cross country without jobs, we dealt with a year of infertility, had our twins 11 weeks early and did 9 weeks in NICU, and now we're raising twins (and it's fucking hard IMO). I think the best quality in a life partner is the ability to let it go. I get so pissed at my husband about random things, but 5 minutes later I just let it go. Granted, he is a good person who loves me and the things I let go are not serious issues, just petty life crap.

[Toothfairy]

Do these people have lives. I can understand thinking about the future but seriously stop living a fairy tail

[clarinetpower]

I am a bit freaked out by the stuff these girls are retweeting. Not exactly modest and Godly.

For example:

"It's A Guy Thing @ItsGuyThingss · 6h

Id fuck my teacher right now, in front of everyone. IDGAF"

and

"Party Problems @PartyProblemsP · 39m

Never regret it, just forget it and say fuck it"

and then we get

My Future Husband @FutureHusbandmy · May 23

Happy 12th anniversary to my wonderful parents. They teach me daily how true love is supposed to be ?

How old is this girl? Eight? Ten?

This is freaking me out. This must be children.

[Rachel333]

^uh, what? Very strange that they'd retweet that.

I was also told to make a list of traits I wanted for my future husband but I could never think of anything beyond the requisite "loves God and has a sense of humor." I definitely couldn't ever think of any physical traits I wanted, so looking back it's not surprising that I never ended up being attracted to men at all.

[Kira]

I am a bit freaked out by the stuff these girls are retweeting. Not exactly modest and Godly.

For example:

"It's A Guy Thing @ItsGuyThingss · 6h

Id fuck my teacher right now, in front of everyone. IDGAF"

and

"Party Problems @PartyProblemsP · 39m

Never regret it, just forget it and say fuck it"

and then we get

My Future Husband @FutureHusbandmy · May 23

Happy 12th anniversary to my wonderful parents. They teach me daily how true love is supposed to be ?

How old is this girl? Eight? Ten?

This is freaking me out. This must be children.

I also want to know how old they are. This is a very strange twitter account.

[Trynn]

I think I did eventually cave in and write down a list of things I wanted in a partner, just to be silly (and let's face it, some treacher somewhere probably required it.)

I basically looked at every couple I could think of and wrote "my future husband will not do THAT."