When daughters are resistant to homemaking skills

[dairyfreelife]

raisinghomemakers.com/2013/when-daughters-are-resistant-2/

Limit foolishness and self-seeking activities.

How is their time spent? Consider the time that is spent away from home, usually participating in sports, clubs, lessons and just hanging out with friends. And then there is the mental and emotional away from home in the form of texting, phone and computer, and I would also include unlimited hours of time spent in fictional books. Why would they desire being AT home, learning to make home, when they can be esteemed, have their ego stroked and be ‘popular’ among peers? Can they have a heart for home if they are never at home? Being a skilled homemaker takes discipline. Being a homemaker is mostly ignored and mocked in our be-all-you-can-be society. I highly suggest limiting activities that boost their ego and dependence on peers, and even more so the tuning out of the real world where they actually live, but replace that with skills and relationships that will equip them with self-confidence to be a well rounded adult

and a comment on this post

My girls were not resistant to learning homemaking skills. We’ve had the opposite happen. Both of our girls want more than anything to be wives & mothers. That’s the desire of their hearts. They both live under their father’s protection. They both love the Lord & serve Him. But, God hasn’t put the man in their lives.

Our oldest daughter is 30 & was married for a year. They had a courtship arrangement that we approved of. We felt that God said it was right for them to marry. He claimed to be a Christian, although he was from India, & said he wanted the same things in life that she did. Within months he changed completely! Denying the Lord as his Savior & abusing our daughter. After stepping in several times trying to help them keep the marriage intact, we traveled from Louisiana to New York & brought our daughter back home where she would be safe. It’s been a couple of years now & she’s doing well. We don’t understand what God’s purpose was in all of this. But, her faith is stronger than ever!

Our 2nd daughter is 29 & has always wanted a houseful of kids to love & teach. Again, we don’t understand why God hasn’t brought someone into her life. She’s trying to be patient & content with her life the way it is. But sometimes it’s really hard for her.

I’ve not seen any testimonies along this line. What do you do when you’ve raised your daughters to be wives & mothers for God’s glory & their biological clocks are ticking away. How do you keep encouraging them? What do you say when they ask why God hasn’t allowed them to get married & have children?

Our 3rd child & oldest son is now 27 & has been happily married for 6 years. They are expecting their 1st child. I thank God every day for my wonderful daughter-in-law whom God placed in my son’s life while he was still doing high school work (we homeschooled all 4 children all the way through). She was also homeschooled & is a wonderful homemaker. I know she will be a wonderful mother also.

Our girls are active in church, have worked out in the public, etc. There just doesn’t seem to be any Godly young men who want a strong Christian woman.

We know other families who wanted their daughters to have a “back-up†plan in case they didn’t get married or chose to work after marriage. But we never felt that that was what God wanted for us to instill in our daughters. But, now it seems they are having to live a Plan B life.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Surely we’re not the only ones.

and the response

I have a 22 year old who is also ‘waiting’, and she is waiting with such contentment and purpose that her joyful attitude often convicts me as I wonder where her husband is. ;) I think we are suffering from the

consequences of a family hating culture where boys refuse to become men and girls grow up to be men!

I think the thing is we have to JOYFULLY accept God’s will for us, and yes, most girls will marry, but some will not. Does that mean they are not here for a purpose? They have a HUGE and GLORIOUS opportunity to serve in ways that married girls cannot.

So often I think of Corrie Ten Boom, who stayed under her father’s authority as she worked in the family shop but also ministered to so many that most people pushed aside. She would go to the insane asylums and teach the mentally challenged people. And could she have done what she did during the Holocaust if she had been more concerned with her own children and getting them to safety?

It’s all part of God’s story, waiting, widowed, wronged, sickness, poverty…whatever, God is working all for his glory and our good.

My 22 year old daughter serves at a crisis pregnancy center and does counseling there.

:roll: :roll: :roll:

[Justme]

They should ask Steve Maxwell.... :whistle:

[Trynn]

Eh, I was resistant to home making skills too, as a child. Then when I reached the age of 15 or so I had a panic attack when I realized, "oh my god, I'm almost 18, I'm expecting to move out soon, and I don't know how to take care of myself!"

Anyone resistant to home making skills should probably just be allowed to mature for a few years, then see how they feel. I know if I'd waited till I moved out to learn things, I would've suddenly found it very important.

[Swamptribe]

That wasn't about daughters being resistant to homemaking skills. It was about daughters sitting around anxiously with their biological clocks ticking down; unhappy that god hasn't send them a man. It was whining about daughters being single even though they have supposedly followed all the instructions.

Love the response about 'people just don't get married anymore' excuse. There is a multi-billion dollar marriage industry in the US alone. Oodles and oodles of people are getting married.

[DGayle]

Pretty horrific to say that the way to get a woman to want to be a domestic servant is to take away absolutely everything she loves so that she has no alternatives but to cook and clean for a man until her spirit is broken and she accepts that she's nothing more than the household slave. I'm not misusing that word. This is forcing a person into servitude against their will and for no pay.

Why would they desire being AT home, learning to make home, when they can be esteemed,

Ermagerd no! Not...respect! Why would any vagina on legs want that manly thing?

My 22 year old daughter serves at a crisis pregnancy center and does counseling there.

Well. If I ever have an unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do, I'll rush right out to be counseled by a virgin who can't fathom an unplanned pregnancy! There are some things I think you shouldn't get to do without certain experience, and counseling someone on unplanned pregnancy when you haven't even kissed is one of them. One of my gay friends is reading this over my shoulder and said this would be like an in-the-closet teen going to get help on figuring out how to come out, only to be told by a straight fundy to turn the gay off and pray and it'll all go away.

[Cleopatra7]

That wasn't about daughters being resistant to homemaking skills. It was about daughters sitting around anxiously with their biological clocks ticking down; unhappy that god hasn't send them a man. It was whining about daughters being single even though they have supposedly followed all the instructions.

Love the response about 'people just don't get married anymore' excuse. There is a multi-billion dollar marriage industry in the US alone. Oodles and oodles of people are getting married.

Contrary to what conservatives think, most Americans still have a high view of marriage and want to get married. Even people living in ghettos, barrios, Appalachia, etc where marriage rates are low hope to one day get married. Why don't they then? The issue is that they think marriage is what you do when you've made it, not when you're struggling. Since many of them never “make it,†they never get married. They don't get married because they don't value marriagel if anything it seems like poor people value marriage so much that they are afraid to sully the institution with their flawed selves. In the past, people got married because that's just what “respectable people†did. Nowadays, “respectable people†still overwhelmingly get married, as studies show that people in upper income brackets are most likely to be married. Not being “respectable,†poor people don't marry. It seems like “respectability†in this case has been redefined to equal income, rather than behavior.

[DGayle]

Contrary to what conservatives think, most Americans still have a high view of marriage and want to get married. Even people living in ghettos, barrios, Appalachia, etc where marriage rates are low hope to one day get married. Why don't they then? The issue is that they think marriage is what you do when you've made it, not when you're struggling. Since many of them never “make it,†they never get married. They don't get married because they don't value marriagel if anything it seems like poor people value marriage so much that they are afraid to sully the institution with their flawed selves. In the past, people got married because that's just what “respectable people†did. Nowadays, “respectable people†still overwhelmingly get married, as studies show that people in upper income brackets are most likely to be married. Not being “respectable,†poor people don't marry. It seems like “respectability†in this case has been redefined to equal income, rather than behavior.

I think the marriage rate would go up if the tax penalty went down. Many childless and childfree straight couples just don't see a reason to get married when it means having to pay more in taxes, and if you tell your insurance company you're married, or the hospital, no one asks to see proof. I know a couple that even lied and told their families they eloped to make sure that her family wouldn't give the "husband" shit if she ever ends up in the hospital and he has to make decisions. They call each other spouses too, but didn't legally get married. They can't afford more in taxes. Plus spending $100 on a license and another $150 for a justice of the peace isn't a priority even if they wouldn't have taxes go up. A lot of poorer people don't get married because they can't afford it.

[anjulibai]

I think the marriage rate would go up if the tax penalty went down. Many childless and childfree straight couples just don't see a reason to get married when it means having to pay more in taxes, and if you tell your insurance company you're married, or the hospital, no one asks to see proof. I know a couple that even lied and told their families they eloped to make sure that her family wouldn't give the "husband" shit if she ever ends up in the hospital and he has to make decisions. They call each other spouses too, but didn't legally get married. They can't afford more in taxes. Plus spending $100 on a license and another $150 for a justice of the peace isn't a priority even if they wouldn't have taxes go up. A lot of poorer people don't get married because they can't afford it.

Where in the world do they live that getting married costs $250? I don't think my husband and I paid more than $15 for our license (and that was just a processing fee) and a city clerk did it for free at the courthouse.

Our taxes went down after we got married, too. Plus there were other benefits, primarily insurance.

It must vary from state to state.

[Cleopatra7]

I think the marriage rate would go up if the tax penalty went down. Many childless and childfree straight couples just don't see a reason to get married when it means having to pay more in taxes, and if you tell your insurance company you're married, or the hospital, no one asks to see proof. I know a couple that even lied and told their families they eloped to make sure that her family wouldn't give the "husband" shit if she ever ends up in the hospital and he has to make decisions. They call each other spouses too, but didn't legally get married. They can't afford more in taxes. Plus spending $100 on a license and another $150 for a justice of the peace isn't a priority even if they wouldn't have taxes go up. A lot of poorer people don't get married because they can't afford it.

I suspect that a lot of people have bought into the idea that you have to have a wedding "the right way" (i.e., expensive party with limos and doves), and if you can't do it "right" then you might as well not do it at all.

[samurai_sarah]

Eh, I was resistant to home making skills too, as a child. Then when I reached the age of 15 or so I had a panic attack when I realized, "oh my god, I'm almost 18, I'm expecting to move out soon, and I don't know how to take care of myself!"

Anyone resistant to home making skills should probably just be allowed to mature for a few years, then see how they feel. I know if I'd waited till I moved out to learn things, I would've suddenly found it very important.

Similar story: I refused, absolutely refused, to learn anything about homemaking. Then I went to uni, and realized that I needed all those skills. Luckily for me, I hung around the parents and grandparents, watching them. So, for me, it was a matter of remembering...and the occasional panicked phone-call home. :lol:

[MamaJunebug]

Cleo. wrote:

I suspect that a lot of people have bought into the idea that you have to have a wedding "the right way" (i.e., expensive party with limos and doves), and if you can't do it "right" then you might as well not do it at all.

I've seen this any number of times. One couple had all their hopes pinned on a radio station contest that would provide the winner with the $30,000-$40,000 wedding of their dreams. They had 3 children together. I SMH, because ... oh, never mind.

As to the girls/young women knowing domestic skills, it's easy: train every child, male or female, in home making as soon as they can handle the responsibility. By adolescence, you'll have young people who can shop, cook, clean up, launder, clean and mend. Heck, they should have a much better-than-expected handle on budgeting by the time they're 15, 16 years old.

As to the family (Poes?) with the 29- and 30-year-old SAHDs, this is where the Roman Catholic church has it so over everyone else -- nuns are single and important. Not well paid, necessarily, but they do everything from wipe poor babies' bottoms to run healthcare conglomerates. Of course, to permit either of the possible-Poes' daughters and Poor Sarah Maxwell, among others, to do things outside the home and reporting to another male or even a female who isn't dad/mom is never going to happen.

So? So talent goes unused, creativity is wasted -- but mommies and daddies who bought into the whole b.s. of the system continue to feel pretty darn godly good about themselves. :angry-banghead:

[DGayle]

Where in the world do they live that getting married costs $250? I don't think my husband and I paid more than $15 for our license (and that was just a processing fee) and a city clerk did it for free at the courthouse.

Our taxes went down after we got married, too. Plus there were other benefits, primarily insurance.

Lompoc, California. http://www.sbcvote.com/ClerkRecorder/ma ... enses.aspx

$100 for the license

$23 Non-refundable wedding ceremony reservation fee

$104 Wedding ceremony performance in Santa Barbara Hall of Records, Santa Maria & Lompoc offices

$51 if you don't have your own witness

Last time I looked into it since I didn't think even a license would be that much, the ceremony stuff was lumped as justice of the peace. So barebones is $227 as of today, $276 if you need a witness.

The federal personal exemption doesn't double if you get married. It goes from the 1 for each of you, to about 1.5 for both of you after you get married. Since they both work, the 1 exemption they each get now is more than if they got married and they lost half a point. They're both on his insurance, and claimed married, and were never asked for a coy of a license. I don't know of any married people who had to use it for insurance.

[DGayle]

As to the family (Poes?) with the 29- and 30-year-old SAHDs, this is where the Roman Catholic church has it so over everyone else -- nuns are single and important. Not well paid, necessarily, but they do everything from wipe poor babies' bottoms to run healthcare conglomerates. Of course, to permit either of the possible-Poes' daughters and Poor Sarah Maxwell, among others, to do things outside the home and reporting to another male or even a female who isn't dad/mom is never going to happen.

I think some people see nuns as the last resort of unwanted spinsters instead of as something many young, beautiful, desirable women feel called to do. They think having a passel of mouths is the most special instead of the rarer calling to go serve the poor and needy in God's name. What do these fundies think will happen when they die and their single daughters have no other man to answer to? I don't see any charitable families taking in unmarried, chidless older women.

[Mama Mia]

Lompoc, California. http://www.sbcvote.com/ClerkRecorder/ma ... enses.aspx

$100 for the license

$23 Non-refundable wedding ceremony reservation fee

$104 Wedding ceremony performance in Santa Barbara Hall of Records, Santa Maria & Lompoc offices

$51 if you don't have your own witness

Last time I looked into it since I didn't think even a license would be that much, the ceremony stuff was lumped as justice of the peace. So barebones is $227 as of today, $276 if you need a witness.

The federal personal exemption doesn't double if you get married. It goes from the 1 for each of you, to about 1.5 for both of you after you get married. Since they both work, the 1 exemption they each get now is more than if they got married and they lost half a point. They're both on his insurance, and claimed married, and were never asked for a coy of a license. I don't know of any married people who had to use it for insurance.

It isn't just the exemption amount. It's if you're both working full time it's quite possible that combining incomes on your taxes will drastically increase your tax rate. The tax advantages for marriage only really work if one person doesn't work.

We actually did have to give a copy of our marriage license for one insurance company, and the kids birth certificates. I think it was just the one time though, over several decades of working and changing jobs and insurance carriers numerous times.

[Dysfundamental]

Our tax situation improved after we got married. For people under 65 with both partners working, it's apparently 50/50 whether your tax situation will be better or worse after marriage (it is almost always a net financial loss for retirees, though). See [link=http://www.taxpolicycenter.org/briefing-book/key-elements/family/marriage-penalties.cfm]here[/link] for an overview.

But in any case, fundies don't consider practicalities like that!

[thekate]

(snip)

They're both on his insurance, and claimed married, and were never asked for a coy of a license. I don't know of any married people who had to use it for insurance.

I can't imagine that would work once there was a big claim though. They'd be lucky not to be charged with fraud, never mind having to pay the whole hospital bill and getting their insurance cancelled.

[DGayle]

I can't imagine that would work once there was a big claim though. They'd be lucky not to be charged with fraud, never mind having to pay the whole hospital bill and getting their insurance cancelled.

Marriage is still seen as the default institution for opposite-sex couples living together. Same-sex are the ones more likely to have problems.

[DGayle]

It isn't just the exemption amount. It's if you're both working full time it's quite possible that combining incomes on your taxes will drastically increase your tax rate. The tax advantages for marriage only really work if one person doesn't work.

We actually did have to give a copy of our marriage license for one insurance company, and the kids birth certificates. I think it was just the one time though, over several decades of working and changing jobs and insurance carriers numerous times.

I didn't even think about how it can knock people into a higher bracket. I've never heard of needing a marriage license for birth certificates. We just needed our IDs, and that was good enough.

[lemonhead]

For me, growing up as a fundie homeschooled girl, the "resistance to homemaking" was largely a result of my disgust with the fundie role of womanhood. I had no desire to have a passel of homeschooled kiddos and spend the rest of my life being subservient to a man, locked up in an ideological prison. I flat-out told my parents I had no intention of marrying and having a family. Not to mention, I despised my mother and the feeling was, I believe, mutual :lol: so I didn't want to hang around in the kitchen with her or watch her sew. I wasn't distracted by sports, lessons, clubs, phones, computers, or friends--I had none of those in my life, and it's absurd that these women assume their daughters' reluctance to learn these skills is solely due to outside distractions. The girls might actually have a brain and will of their own, and may be resisting the indoctrination that they believe will doom them to a hopeless life.

Whew. Rant over. Of course, now I am married with two kids, but my life could not be more different than what I saw modeled as I grew up. It did take me many years to figure out how to cook something beyond Hamburger Helper, but I consider that an acceptable trade-off for the passive resistance of my youth.

[NjoyingNsanity]

I always wonder why it is that fundies think it takes years to learn how to cook, clean and take care of babies. I mean I pretty much taught myself to cook with a little input here and there from my grandma when I was in my early teens. She more or less just supervised and answered questions when I had them. Cleaning isn't exactly rocket science, most people can figure that out without years of lessons. Taking care of kids is pretty much trial by fire no matter how well prepared you think you are for motherhood. I had held exactly two newborns before my oldest was born, and somehow I still managed to raise a happy, healthy, well adjusted kid. I just don't understand where they get the idea that any of these things require years of practice.

[debrand]

Similar story: I refused, absolutely refused, to learn anything about homemaking. Then I went to uni, and realized that I needed all those skills. Luckily for me, I hung around the parents and grandparents, watching them. So, for me, it was a matter of remembering...and the occasional panicked phone-call home. :lol:

I didn't want to learn homemaking skills either because I considered homemaking skills grandmotherly and not very exciting. Once I married, I figured most things out by myself. I taught my children 'life' skills because I want them to be independent adults but I don't believe that knowing such skills has anything to do with gender. Girls should change tires and check the oil just like boys should know how to cook and clean a house.

I am surprised that the family allowed the oldest daughter to marry someone from India. Interracial marriages aren't common among most of the fundamentalists that we discuss. Although when you think about it, it seems like the families should be encouraging ties with cultures that have more traditional beliefs when it comes to gender and marriage.

It would make sense for the families to reevaluate their stance on marriage and women. Their daughters are unmarried and when one daughter followed her family's ideals, she ended up abused and divorced. Yet, it is the parents' emotions that decide what god wants them to do not anything to do with the actual situation. If there really was a god, nothing he could do would change these parents' minds about their lives.

[Trynn]

My aunt and her "special friend" aren't getting married either. Grandma, who is a christian, doesn't exactly approve, but at the se time she understands that there are financial reasons that prohibit them from marrying. My aunt is... Middle class ish, but on the poorer end. Same as her so.

I don't know all the details, but I know things would be worse if they officially married. This is in Michigan, so the laws here are probably similar to what's already been discussed.

[roddma]

Well. If I ever have an unplanned pregnancy and don't know what to do, I'll rush right out to be counseled by a virgin who can't fathom an unplanned pregnancy! There are some things I think you shouldn't get to do without certain experience, and counseling someone on unplanned pregnancy when you haven't even kissed is one of them. One of my gay friends is reading this over my shoulder and said this would be like an in-the-closet teen going to get help on figuring out how to come out, only to be told by a straight fundy to turn the gay off and pray and it'll all go away.

Many things you don't have to experience yourself. Maybe you have observed other people going through the same thing. I have never been pregnant, yet I could know those who experienced unplanned pregnancies and didn't grow up as sheltered as this young woman. I suppose there are plenty of never been married single counselors who counsel married couples.

I hope these young women realize they are adults who can leave anytime and their existence isn't defined by husbands and kids or homemaking skills. Really? Is God going to care that much about your ability to cook a three course dinner? Obviously, those things were not important to Jesus when he visited Mary and Martha.

[browngrl]

My parents did a wise thing. I never wanted to be a homemaker or mother and would have resisted "homemaking skills" but instead I was presented with learning "life skills" which included: how to change a tire, how to read a recipe/learn basic cooking skills, how to do simple home repairs, how to sew a button or hem etc. The truth is "homemaking" skills for the large part are just the everyday things people need to do to be independent adults. Segregating these skills into "women's work" or other skills as "men's work" is the problem. Fundies are so hell bent on dividing the world up into neat little boxes they don't realize that for many the boxes turn out to be prison cells.

[DracoGinny]

Where in the world do they live that getting married costs $250? I don't think my husband and I paid more than $15 for our license (and that was just a processing fee) and a city clerk did it for free at the courthouse.

Our taxes went down after we got married, too. Plus there were other benefits, primarily insurance.

It must vary from state to state.

I don't believe in this "marriage penalty tax thing" either. Most years we would save just under 4800 In taxes if I was married to my man. Our car AND health insurance would also go down.

In both my sister and my brother's marriages their taxes went DOWN after the weddings. I think its just one of those "middle class problems" that actually only happens in rare case but everybody likes to complain about to solicit attention.