FATHER GOD, I JUST... Crazy Prayers

[iheartchacos]

Hit us with you best fundie prayer! I always enjoy surprising friends with crazy prayers.

[fullmetalheart]

"Father God, we ask that you bless us today in this time of fellowshit."

That was a typo, but it's too golden to fix. Ahahahahahaha. I'll be back later with a better one.

[doggie]

Father Please save us from your followers.

[ari_belle]

Maxwell Prayer: Father God, please help us clean our ceilings and windows and help us get new cellphone cases only when YOU feel it is right in our lives.

[penguinagogo]

Father god. I just really really want a pony!

[CynicMom]

Dear God, I ask that you bless iheartchacos even though she had three abortions, can't manage her money, and is a serial killer. Please teach her the error of her ways and shine your light on her.

Or, more realistically: Oh God, please bless us with the wisdom of [thing you like]. May we all be blessed with [features of thing you like].

[VooDooChild]

I read the title and thought this would be snark on how people who pray aloud overuse the word "just" in their prayers.

Father God, I just want to thank you for soda. And I just wanna ask that you just bless my body through the consumption of this soda, Father. Lord, just use it to bring me strength and wakefulness this day. I just ask this in Jesus' name. Amen.

[SteampunkLovelace]

Best I ever heard was at a horse race (I'm from the South, okay, we have horse races with prayers), "Lord, we thank thee for feats of strength and endurance!"

[maybeizfundie]

Awkward prayer picture, followed by... well.

[docmom]

Father God, I just thank for you for just making me so much better than everyone else. And for giving me the internets so I can let everyone know it.

[PennySycamore]

Awkward prayer picture, followed by... well.

Why was that woman's hand on that other woman's crotch?

[Phukktifano]

Heavenly Father, we thank you for all your blessings. You said in all things give thanks. So we want to thank you tonight for these mighty machines that you brought before us. Thank you for the Dodges and the Toyota’s. Thank you for the Fords. And most of all we thank you for Roush and Yates partnering to give us the power that we see before us tonight. Thank you for GM performance technology and RO7 engines. Thank you for Sunoco racing fuel and Goodyear tires that bring performance and power to the track. Lord, I want to thank you for my smoking’ hot wife tonight, Lisa. My two children, Eli and Emma or as we like to call ‘em, the little Ezz. Lord, I pray you bless the drivers and use them tonight. May they put on a performance worthy of this great track. In Jesus name, boogity boogity boogity, Amen.

[ADoyle90815]

Father God, we ask that you bless this potluck food that has been left out for hours since we're too cheap to pay for insurance on our kitchen.

If that prayer doesn't work, it's because there's too much sin in the camp.

[miffy]

Dear god, please give me the strength to quit Pepsi. Amen

[ari_belle]

Father Lord God Almighty, please bless your OTHER son, Bill Gothard. Amen.

[OgrePrincess]

I just pray right now that you would bless and comfort and set a hedge of protection around my vocal fundie friend who is apparently being forced to marry a gay person now that this abomination has been legalized where he lives, despite being a Courageous manly-man firmly ensconced in a Fireproof heterosexual marriage already... at least I assume that is what is going on, from the way he's carrying on over on Facebook... bless his heart... amen.

p.s. Something something Dark Side, something something Chik-Fil-A, something something complete.

[iheartchacos]

Father God, I just want to praise you in this place tonight. Our knees are bent and our hearts are given to you. We just ask that you open the hearts of the lost, lead them to you in the magnificent way that only you can. Let us be a beacon of light to those stumbling in the darkness. Father, just let our hope in you shine bright for all to see. May we be part of our fallen world, but not of it. Keep our hearts consumed by you and your ways so we shall not stumble. You promise us a place for the faithful in your kingdom and father..,we just cling to that tonight. Where two or three are gathered, you are there. Father we just feel your work being done in this space. Make us a beacon of light, let us show the world the joy we find in you. We are not ashamed and we will not be moved. Father god, sustain us for the life we lead in a fallen, godless world. We seek to glorify you only. Amen!

[susanmr5]

I'm no good at making up prayers, even fake ones.

But my fundie aunt has a tendency to make any and all family prayers awkward.

Example:

Dad is praying before a Thanksgiving meal, Aunt is interjecting randomly.

Dear Lord, thank you for your many blessings (Yes, Thank you Jesus!). We are grateful for the beautiful weather and the safe travels of our family. (Oh thank you Lord!) Please bless this food to our bodies (ummhmm) and the hands that cooked it. In Jesus name, we pray. Amen (amen)

Most interjections are done just loud enough to hear. She also offers to pray for the most random things. Like the time I slipped on some steps and slide down a few. I wasn't hurt, just shaken. The first thing she asks is "Would you like me to pray for you?" Which I guess is nice but... just... odd. Mostly she's pretty nice but I'll never understand her religious/political mindset. And my favorite Bible came from her, not even a KJ version!

Considering she grew up in the same stoic Lutheran house that dad did, I've never really sorted out what the heck happened to her. I think it was her husband.

[Arete]

Unfortunately, I can only dream of writing something this profound, but I am going to copy it because it is worth disseminating :D :

Father God,

So far today, I am doing all right.

I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self indulgent.

I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate.

I have not charged on my credit card.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.

Amen.

[formergothardite]

The hedge of thorn prayers isn't funny, but it is depressing. Basically you pray for horrible things to happen to whoever you are praying for, usually it is children.

[OgrePrincess]

The hedge of thorn prayers isn't funny, but it is depressing. Basically you pray for horrible things to happen to whoever you are praying for, usually it is children.

Egads! I've only ever heard "hedge" used in the context of protection. Geeze. That's awful! Can I pray a hedge of fresh dog poo around these people?

[formergothardite]

Egads! I've only ever heard "hedge" used in the context of protection. Geeze. That's awful! Can I pray a hedge of fresh dog poo around these people?

Gothard and others teach that you should pray for horrible things to happen so that they will come back to God like the prodigal son. So when your adult daughter moves out, gets a job, a boyfriend, starts wearing pants and is looking into college you pray that she loses her job, gets cancer, fails college, becomes homeless and stuff like that so that they will see how wonderful life is in the fold. The horrible things are supposed to be the hedge of thorns that "protect" the person from becoming more worldly. It is even more fucked up than the hedge of protection.

[ILoveJellybeans]

Gothard and others teach that you should pray for horrible things to happen so that they will come back to God like the prodigal son. So when your adult daughter moves out, gets a job, a boyfriend, starts wearing pants and is looking into college you pray that she loses her job, gets cancer, fails college, becomes homeless and stuff like that so that they will see how wonderful life is in the fold. The horrible things are supposed to be the hedge of thorns that "protect" the person from becoming more worldly. It is even more fucked up than the hedge of protection.

What? That's horrible!

When I first read the first quote, I thought it referred to immature kids praying something bad happens to someone who wronged them, not parents praying something bad happens to their kid in the hope that they will have to return to their home or rejoin the cult.