I'm making my first attempt to cook rice in my Instant Pot. I am completely incapable of making rice that isn't either mush or crunchy, no matter what I do. Here's what I have done so far:
1 c. wild rice
2 c. water
1tsp better than bullion veggie because it sounded good.
Put in pot and set to 25 min per https://www.platingsandpairings.com/cook-perfect-rice-instant-pot/.
Prayed Rufus' blessing on my endeavour.
Blogged about it on FJ. Updates to follow.
It's the last full chapter YAY, so let's get this moving.
Luna status: I've been abandoned in favor of mister destiny because he has string cheese and apparently a kitten has to have her priorities. I feel so unloved. :-P
Wine: naw, just my water bottle. I might have a glass with dinner tonight to celebrate being done with this shitshow, but haven't decided yet.
New character today! George Wakefield. He's the pastor of the local Baptist church. Let's call him Pastor Confused. Artist's rendition (as usual, courtesy of @OnceUponATime):
We are back in the fucking park. I hate this park! AUDIOS FUCKING PARK I WILL NEVER HAVE TO VISIT YOU AGAIN SOON. Nosy Busybody is chilling in the fucking park AGAIN, and Pastor Confused comes over. He wants to chat. I'm not going to bother recapping most of the conversation because it's all big words like hermeneutics (which I have personally never heard a Christian use in conversation ever) being used to compare Biblical penis size. Spoiler: I think George wins. He actually makes sense and doesn't take crap out of context. Of course, this means that Nosy Busybody is going to act like he is stupid and talk down to him. Pastor Confused basically says, "Dude, you are talking weird ass shit, and you are basing your conclusion on stories, not commands, fuck off with this stupid shit." Pastor Confused, marry me!
They go back and forth for a couple of pages, rehashing the stupid arguments of the whole book, so I'm just gonna keep turning the pages, k? I flipped through a couple of pages, and found this:
That, in a nutshell, is what is wrong with this book. I've given more than enough fucks about this misogynistic horseshit, so just imagine what I am thinking, and you probably have it about right. Sigh. They go back to fighting about the Bible and how wrong Nosy Busybody is, and OMFG there is still 6 more pages of this shit. Send help.
Asshole Plot Device and The Good Girl wander in now, hand in hand. THOSE WHORES ARE TOUCHING BEFORE MARRIAGE SOMEONE GIVE ME SOME PEARLS TO CLUTCH! For some stupid reason, Asshole Plot Device introduces The Good Girl to Pastor Confused as his WIFE. What the shit, did I miss a wedding? Oh hey, Pastor Confused said the same. I like Pastor Confused. Can we keep him?
Awww, FUCK. This shit is about to raise my blood pressure. Wait, no it isn't, cos this is THE LAST CHAPTER! :-D Asshole Plot Device is all, "oh, we aren't married yet, just betrothed" and I want to reach into the screen and slap him upside his arrogant head. Pastor Confused says he shouldn't call The Good Girl his wife if they aren't actually married yet, because it will confuse people, and Asshole Plot Device is all, "well, she's betrothed to me, so she can't back out like a fiancee could," and OMFG I HATE THIS GUY.
I guess that this answers the "do they get marriage licenses and have real weddings in this cult" question. Sigh. So, there's no protections for the women in this system, other than any common law things that might exist in the state. Let's marry a child to another child, then not have any legal protections for either of them if things go badly or something happens. Nothing can go wrong with that. At all. Separately, the wedding day is a huge day in a fundie girl's life, and what a fucker to take that one day that's all about her away. FUCK THIS GUY.
Pastor Confused, to his credit, is appalled at this state of events. He's shocked and horrified that they were forced to marry, but because this book exists to fuck over kids in this system, no one is going to listen. I hate this book but it's almost done. After The Good Girl and Asshole Plot Device wax philosophical about what a precious gift of husband / wife they were given, the chapter drops off into a hole.
Next up is an "interlude" that sounds like a courtly love sex scene. There's shit about someone looking for a garden for his friend, and uh, I'm walking away cos I can't even with the idea of a woman being called a fucking GARDEN.
This is the final "story" chapter of this shitshow:
Oh dear. From the implication that Nosy Busybody is either getting laid or has gotten his wife pregnant, to the quotations around 'rest', to the gross speculation on a newly married couple's sex life, I'm so glad this shit is over.
Couple of housekeeping things: there's a final chapter that's another regurgitation of the whole book. I'm gonna skip it because we've see it all before. Also, there's an interlude chapter that's some sort of weird attempt at a Song of Solomon type of story that scares me in its incomprehensibility and awfulness, along with being pointless, that I'm going to skip. I'm honestly not sure what purpose it serves other than maybe as the book's sex scene, and that's too awful to contemplate. With that, let's get this show on the road. Yay!
Luna status: sleeping somewhere, but not being a helper today. None of the animals are nearby actually.
Wine status: It's early afternoon and snowing, so today's beverage is actually hot tea, with cream.
Nosy Busybody and Salesman Headship are in a restaurant. Thank GOD we aren't in that fucking park again. I had nightmares about park benches last night, but that doesn't matter because this shit is ALMOST OVER. Anyway, Salesman Headship asks what the hell he is doing here, and Nosy Busybody says he's here about the marriage of The Good Girl and Asshole Plot Device. For some reason I can't quite comprehend, Salesman Headship acts surprised. Uh, this is the least surprising surprise in the history of surprises. Just stop Vaughn, STOP. You suck as a writer.
Moving on, suddenly Salesman Headship ISN'T surprised, and asks what Nosy Busybody is "actually proposing". Oh crap, I'm about to be treated to yet another speech about how all this works, aren't I? Fuck. Nosy Busybody says that Smeghead came to him to ask him to act as an intermediary to arrange a marriage. That seemed pretty obvious to me. Maybe Salesman Headship is both an idiot and an asshole instead of just being an asshole?
I'm trying to muster up the energy to get angry, and I just can't. Sigh. I am too tired of this shit to even get mad anymore. First, without telling too much, mister destiny and I lived with his mother for a few months. It was miserable for me, because it was another woman's space, another woman's kitchen, and another woman's territory. That doesn't even include the privacy issues involved, and we DID have our own bathroom. I would never, ever, do that again, and if one of my kids decided to do this, I would counsel them to wait til they could afford their own place. Of course, I also bought them condoms and gave them a safe sex talk, so clearly our basic methods of parenting differ.
I'm hoping someone is going to talk to The Good Girl about this, but I feel like that's being optimistic to the point of foolishness. Sigh.
They have a brief conversation about how "leave and cleave" isn't biblical, and then move on to this mess:
No, Salesman Headship, you are fucking selling your daughter. I really, really hate this bride price shit. How the fuck does it show value to fucking BUY a woman from her father? She's not seeing any of that value, and I'd bet money that the fathers aren't actually saving this money for a potential abandonment. Nosy Busybody, fuck off with your you won't be happy, and you won't agree to long conditions shit too. Even in your worldview, you don't get to make those choices. You are a fucking bystander who needs to shut the fuck up and mind your own fucking business. ARGH. I'm just gonna ignore the pointed, if they don't marry, they might "sin" implication there, cos fuck that shit.
Remember earlier when I said I had run out of fucks to give and couldn't get angry anymore? I lied. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT??????? This bit about betrothing someone "very young" scares the shit out of me. If a girl is eligible to marry when she has breasts for her husband to "delight in", how fucking young is this asshole "betrothing" kids? I both do and do not want to know the answer to this question.
Apparently Smeghead already talked to Asshole Plot Device, and Asshole agreed to marry whoever Smeghead said to. He's hoping it's The Good Girl, but doesn't know for sure. Salesman Headship has done the same with his family, and his wife and kids all agreed to marry whoever they are told as well. Part of me wonders how many of these guys are planning their escape while they are outwardly agreeing. I hope all of them, including Mrs. Salesman Headship, are!
Salesman Headship asks why Smeghead didn't come himself, and Nosy Busybody says that society isn't good at this and Smeghead was afraid that Salesman would turn Asshole down, and Smeghead didn't think that he could adequately plead Asshole's case. WHAT THE FUCK? HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE. SMEGHEAD IS ASSHOLES DAD! I hate this book, and I hate that Mr. Ohlman thinks his avatar is so much better than everyone else. Thank the powers it's nearly over.
Minor tidbit, apparently Smeghead gave Nosy Busybody the authority to go to another family if Salesman Headship turns Asshole Plot Device down. Poor Asshole Plot Device, for all my hate of him, he genuinely seems to want to be with The Good Girl and just grabbing another woman like they are interchangeable is fucking cruel.
Salesman Headship is going to go ahead and sell The Good Girl to Asshole Plot Device, so yay a happy ending! Or at least that's how we are supposed to feel (I think). They discuss how long before the actual wedding (it's up to the dads. Hers to decide when the betrothal is no longer conditional, and his to say when Asshole Plot Device can come and claim her as his bride after the betrothal is no longer conditional.
The chapter just drops off abruptly after this, and there's another one gone.
Luna status: close supervision of the mommy!
Wine status: I'm working on this when it's cold and thinking about snowing, so chamomile tea.
New character today! Abe Adamson, Asshole Plot Device's dad. Let's call him Smeghead (h/t to @dawbs for that idea). Artist's rendition (courtesy of @OnceUponATime):
We are back in the god damned park. Hooray! Smeghead wanders over to Nosy Busybody and asks him if he is nosy busybody. Ok, WTF? I live in a pretty small town, and there's usually people in our local park. I would never just wander over to some random person in a park and assume they were someone. I'm introverted, so maybe I am missing something and this is normal. Anyway, Smeghead has been thinking about all the things he has been hearing from Asshole Plot Device, and wants to talk to Nosy Busybody about his thoughts. Oh god. I'm headed for another boring rehash, aren't I? It's ok, there's only three more chapters. I can do this.
Smeghead says that he agrees with Nosy Busybody's assessment of how things should go, and is blessedly brief about it. YAY! He says that Nosy Busybody's opinions has made him realize that he needs to get serious about getting Andrew married, and that very young marriages are ok.
Here's my thought process while reading: Ok great, Smeghead's gonna go talk to Salesman Headship and buy The Good Girl for his son. Gross, but not unexpected. Wait, what the serious fuck? Smeghead doesn't even have the fucking stones to fucking go talk to the Salesman himself? WHAT THE FUCK WHO THE SHIT ASKS SOMONE THEY JUST MET TO FUCKING GO ARRANGE A MARRIAGE FOR THEM??????? Holy shit, Mr. Ohlman really loves his avatar and loves to hear it speak. There were also some random thoughts involving Gary Stu and shitty writing.
Nosy Busybody agrees, and then ASKS FOR SALESMAN HEADSHIP'S PHONE NUMBER. HE'S GOING TO GO ARRANGE A MARRIAGE FOR A PERSON HE JUST MET, WITH ANOTHER PERSON WHO HE KNOWS SO LITTLE THAT HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE THEIR PHONE NUMBER.
Thank god, this chapter is now over. They are getting super short as we get closer to the end.
Luna status: couch related comfort a few feet away. One of my other cats is helping me with this one. Proof! (He's enjoying the warm generator today)
Wine: not at the moment, but mimosas later maybe?
Today, we are going to learn how to gain oneness. It seems to me that oneness is being used as a euphemism for compatibility, but it's too early to tell yet.
Salesman Headship and Nosy Busybody are sitting at the kitchen table. Too bad. I was sorta hoping that Salesman Headship would have kicked Nosy Busybody out on his ass and told him to stay the actual fuck away from his daughter, but it was not to be. Salesman Headship wants to know how the couple can achieve oneness in this system.
So, I guess I was right in assuming that oneness was sorta a euphemism for compatibility, but maybe a little more than that? I'm going to call it compatibility with a side of actually knowing each other. Salesman Headship seems to actually care about his daughter, so he has that going for him. Too bad he's going to end up selling The Good Girl anyway (SPOILER!).
They are dragging out the tired pieces of the heart being lost if the relationship doesn't work out bullshit. Yay! I LOVE the shit out of that argument. Apparently, since courtships can be broken, they are susceptible to the same heart bits losses as the dating model. I guess I can't argue the logic too strongly, horrifying as I find it. Arranged marriages with no choice in the matter DO prevent pieces of the heart being lost. Too bad they can also ruin lives, especially if she's forced to marry a "fornicator". I completely think the base premise is flawed, because love is infinite, so giving away pieces of your heart is utter bullshit, but the logic sort of tracks. Unfortunately, that's probably how people end up getting pulled into this bullshit.
You know how I said earlier that the logic sort of tracked? This one? WHAT THE SHIT FUCK did I just read? Sigh. So contemplating courting someone is now giving away, I don't know, pieces of your commitment I guess? Interestingly, Mr. Ohlman (is a creeper) does not even attempt to give any scriptural support for this bit. I'm going to guess that's because there's no chance of doing so, he's just gonna be pretentious and just talk a lot? Disclosure: if we are including brief fantasies of being married to someone, I am the world's worst, because there are no pieces of my commitment left for my husband, and we've been together for nearly 20 years.
Is this real life? There's so much wrong with this I don't even know where to START. So the fact that I've fantasized about being married to various random men means that I will dump mister destiny at the first opportunity because it's easy or something? This argument makes no sense and I hate it.
Thank god this was a short chapter - it seems like all the ones left are.... less than three pages.
Ok, here's hoping today's chapter is better than yesterday's! I made sure to take out my contacts first just in case this one made me cry, because ain't nobody got time for ruining contacts for this mess.
Luna status: Sleeping next to me. There's a warm generator (fire going in the fireplace) that's relevant to her interests.
Wine status: Naw, but I'm not really in the mood for some at the moment so there's that? Bright side, I *could* have a glass if I wanted - we are past the unpleasant start of diet process, so of COURSE I don't actually want one right now.
This chapter is 8 pages long and OMFG long boring walls of text. Hooray. I may or may not split this into parts 1 and 2, depending on how much of it I skip cos it's a boring rehash of stuff from before. Bright side, only five chapters left, including this one.
So we start at Nosy Busybody's kitchen table, with Salesman Headship, The Good Girl, and Asshole Plot Device, and Nosy Busybody all in residence. Salesman Headship is all pretentious in starting the conversation, and instead of saying wants to fuck or something that actually indicates teh ebil secks, he uses healthy young men and women. The inability to actually say sex is going to make me lose it entirely at some point. Thankfully this book is ALMOST OVER! Anyway, Salesman Headship invites The Good Girl and Asshole Plot Device to join in their conversation about what's wrong with courtship, and about how it isn't helping people to get married.
Nosy Busybody is all, one of the major issues with courtship is the going out part, and it's a half a page of the bullshit about the to-marry couple don't need to get to know each other. I think that dead horse has been beaten quite enough, so let's move on, shall we?
The next page is a rehash of the, the woman marries who she is told, with The Good Girl asking most of the same questions Asshole Plot Device did. Holy crap, this book is repetitive as actual fucking fuck. As an aside, the whole following page is a wall of text from the Bible, telling the story of Jacob, Leah, and Rachel. It's LITERALLY a quote from the Bible. For an entire page. Does god have copyright on this? Should a DMCA takedown notice be filed for this book? Seriously, we've been at this story for 4 pages now, and it's completely a rehash from earlier on the book.
As an aside, apparently the only useful use for this book is as a kitten bed:
Next, we move on to the story of Ruth and Boaz. Mr. Ohlman's interpretation of the story is that Ruth married the man that her mother in law told her to. My interpretation is that Ruth and Naomi trapped Boaz into marriage for financial security. They go back and forth on that for another page, and whatever. It's the same bullshit. This chapter is less rage inducing, and more boring rehash bullshit. I'm usually pissed as fuck by now, and right now, I'm just bored. Three more pages to go!
Salesman Headship asks Asshole Plot Device if he would be willing to do some sort of feat or challenge to marry The Good Girl, and Asshole Plot Device is all "bring it on motherfucker" about it. He then asks The Good Girl if she would marry Asshole Plot Device if the challenge was met, and she says, "If he asked me". Oh DEAR! That was the wrong answer. You are supposed to sit quietly and do whatever your father says. Choices in life? Pfffft!
As expected, THAT can't stand. Time to take away everyone's choice in life. YAY!.
Sigh. Good Girl, when it comes to something that could affect your whole fucking life, feel free to fucking disobey. It's so sad to see these kids broken down into taking whatever parents say.
Salesman Headship asks how he would know to pick a mate for his children that would be compatible, and this happens. Oh Asshole Plot Device, shit like THIS is why you got that name.
You know how I said earlier I was mostly bored, and this chapter hadn't managed to piss me off yet? Forget about that. I'm now furious. I know we've seen this before, but it's so fucking disgusting how this book reduces women to nothing more than simply helpmeets, interchangeable for any "godly man". Fuck that shit. I don't necessarily ascribe to soulmates theories or anything like that, nor do I think that there is only one person for everyone, but there are definitely some people that I would NOT be compatible with in marriage. That's the way personalities work!
Oh FFS, your father isn't going to be in the marriage for the rest of his hypothetical life, you are. Being attracted to your impending spouse is a GOOD thing. Sure, it shouldn't be the only thing, but it's important! Also, (yes, I'm going to keep harping on this) if you can't say sex, you aren't ready to have it. Granted, our parents do have wisdom and life experience we don't have as young adults, and I'm not saying that listening to their advice is wrong, but how are kids supposed to learn to make decisions if they aren't allowed to make mistakes?
Salesman headship regurgitates everything we have just seen in the chapter for another fucking half a page, and holy shit, this guy needs an editor. This chapter was beyond boring because it's all shit we have seen before. Anyway, Salesman Headship wants to meet with Nosy Busybody again at some future point, and this chapter is fucking over.
FOUR MORE TO GO!
Ok. Let's get this show on the road.
Luna status: helping daddy adult in the office.
Wine status: still no. I'm drinking unsweetened almond milk instead. SO not the same. :/
New character today! Pat, AKA Salesman Headship. Artist's rendition (thanks @OnceUponATime!):
We start today's clusterfuck at Nosy Busybody's house. I know I said something about this before, but this interaction enrages me:
YES IT FUCKING IS. Ok, so this afternoon, I planned this weekend's dinners. Part of this process is pulling out the relevant amount of meat from my freezer. So, I pulled out four pork chops and three boobs of chicken. I am NOT prepared for more people to show up and want to eat my pork chops or chicken dinners! Also, after I read this, I walked into the office and told mister destiny that if he ever invited five fucking people over to dinner without giving me at least five hours of notice that he was going to be on my shitlist for the rest of the fucking century (unless there's an emergency of some nature - things happen). He just stared blankly at me and asked why the fuck anyone would do something so fucking rude to their wife. His complete lack of actual care and compassion for the people in this life is just appalling. Basic human courtesy seems too complicated for this fucker. Granted, that's the least of my complaints with this chapter, so let's move on to the things that make me stare longingly at my wine fridge, shall we?
Salesman Headship and Nosy Busybody decide to take a walk. Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, if these two have another long ass conversation about fucking and don't actually SAY sex I'm gonna lose my shit. Again. Salesman Headship waxes philosophical about how he had all these thoughts about how courtship should work, and what qualifications a man would have to have to marry his daughter, and now he's just super confused because Nosy Busybody has been spreading his bullshit all over the fucking park. Nosy Busybody makes a crack about how a large part of the church is confused. Um, not that I am a stranger to having unpopular opinions, because I have some, but if the majority of the church disagrees with you on matters of theology, isn't it possible that you are wrong, not everyone else?
Oh for fuck's sake. He wants to have sex. There's nothing wrong with that. I hate how fundies take something fun and awesome and ruin it. Orgasms are fun, and wanting to have them doesn't make you a terrible person. I hope. Otherwise, we have yet another reason I am going to hell here. Nosy Busybody makes a gross crack about how he wouldn't let his daughter marry someone who HAD conquered lust, cos he wants grandchildren. Ugh ugh ugh.
Sigh. For the record, there is many a pretty man that I have considered undressing with my eyes. That said, because I'm not a fucking asshole, I've never so much as touched a person without their consent, let alone made an unwanted sexual advance. Just because I can't always keep my thoughts from turning dirty doesn't make me a bad person. I hate this emphasis on purity of even thought - hell, I hate purity culture in general. I did crack a smile at the 'keep Andrew out' bit though. It's probably the first time this fuckfest has made me even slightly amused, so yay! Then I had to read the bless him sexually part and it was all just back to rage. The amount of obsession that this fucker has on his kid's sex lives is beyond disturbing. I can almost see him wanting to watch to make sure they are doing it right or some other creepy thing that we stopped doing hundreds of years ago. This guy needs professional help of some nature.
Oh. My. God. I can't even come up with anything pithy to say about this. It's just so sad and horrifying that I don't even know where to start. He's treating his daughter like fucking chattel. Her only job is to serve and fuck her husband, and fuck if she's happy, cos it doesn't matter. How could anyone do this to their child? I literally have nothing more to say because I'm crying again. Fuck. Break time.
Oh god. Once again, I can't come up with anything to say. Just.....FUCK.
They go back and forth on the wrong / out of context biblical "support" for this horrific method of forcing marriage, and it's all shit we have heard before so I won't bore you with it. It was bad enough the first time, yes? Salesman Headship admits that he hadn't conquered lust before he married Mrs. Salesman Headship, and Nosy Busybody uses that as a HAHAHAHA SEE NO ONE CAN / HAS, and then blessedly, they are back to Nosy Busybody's place and this chapter is fucking over.
I sat down to write this at 2pm my time. It's now 4pm, and I have 1) installed a new game on my phone and played it for a while, 2) watched an episode of Bones, 3) done dishes, and 4) spent 20 minutes deciding how I was going to redecorate the upstairs bathroom. I hate this project, and wish it had never come to me (yes, I know I volunteered for it, but run with the Lord of the Rings reference dammit! :-P ). Thankfully, this chapter is only four pages, so hopefully my suffering will be brief.
Wine status: still dieting. FUCK!
Luna status: she's chilling next to me cos there's a fire in the fireplace.
Let's get this show on the fucking road. I haven't read the chapter yet, but the title frankly terrifies me. I feel like I'm about to walk into a trap built by a misogynist, cos no talk of helpmeets from this fucking guy can end well.
I have no idea where they are because the author didn't bother to set the stage for this shitty shitty mess, but we can probably safely assume they are in the fucking park again. I STILL want to know where the fuck these fuckers get their money. Anyway, Asshole Plot Device is conceding the point that biblically speaking, he does not have to marry a christian woman, and he might not get to choose his own wife. I almost feel sorry for Asshole Plot Device cos he is so horribly mindfucked by fucking Nosy Busybody.
Next, do christians need to marry someone they are compatible with? Apparently not!
Ok, first things first, if you are just NOW learning to hate that Asshole Plot Device, you are fucking behind as fuck, cos this shit has been annoying me since chapter fucking one! I'm glad you are starting to realize what a pretentious bag of dicks this guy is, but I fear it's now too late for you to flee. Second, meet does NOT fucking mean "appropriate for". What the shit fuck Lana? Words fucking mean things, and they should be fucking used properly. In case you want to actually see what meet means, I've helpfully included a link to the definition. Note the lack of appropriate for in the list.
First, stop fucking misusing words. Say kindred spirit, or compatible, or any of the myriad of words that actually MEAN appropriate for! Second, oh. my. god. Just by the act of having your hand sold in marriage, you are supposed to become magically compatible with your potential spouse? I have fucking questions. The simplistic thinking here just doesn't make any fucking sense.
What the serious fucking fuck? Did he just compare a fucking LIVING, BREATHING, human woman to a god damned breakfast cereal? HOLY FUCK. Also, you pretentious ass, cereal CAN in fact have character or accomplishments of a sort. I buy cereal based on several factors: price, nutrition, deliciousness, and sometimes, whether someone else in the family likes it as well, so this argument doesn't even make sense. This metaphor is so poorly thought out that it hurts my brain.
They go back and forth for the rest of the chapter about how the whole point of courtship and dating is to get to know someone so you can see if they were right person for you, and Nosy Busybody drops snide hints that this takes too fucking long and he should just buy a bride. Also, Asshole Plot Device really wants a wife. I am hoping that he actually wants a companion and friend, not just a hole to fuck, but I'm not hopeful. Sigh.
This is really not terribly relevant to the whole chapter, but I would be FURIOUS at mister destiny if he didn't at least call me or send a text or carrier pigeon or fucking SOMETHING before inviting a whole family over to dinner. What if she didn't defrost enough boob of chicken for everyone? Rude, arrogant, asshole motherfucker. ARGH.
This chapter was blessedly crazy short, we are done. Tomorrow, I guess we get to meet salesman headship. WHO'S EXCITED???????
So, at @choralcrusader8613's suggestion, I printed this whole clusterfuck of fail, just so I could set fire to it when I'm done. Just thought you guys should know. Also, Mister destiny has started his diet again and I'm being supportive, so I am doing this shit sober today. THIS is love FJ!
The title of this chapter is irrationally bothering me. Courting Parents? Are his parents courting? Are one of the protagonists result of *gasp* unwed sex? I mean, I *think* know what he was TRYING to say, but Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, get a fucking editor you fucking fuck!
We are back in the park. Apparently Nosy Busybody is reading in the park. I have questions! These fuckers seem to spend all day every day in the fucking park. How is Nosy Busybody supporting the 328843928432 kids he's supposed to have if he is just chilling in the park all. the. fucking. time? The whole first page is Asshole Plot device explaining how courtship and parental interaction works, and I'm not going through that shit. I don't know @Buzzard has done it the eleventy times she has done it in Duggarville. I will note for you that Nosy Busybody is every bit as pretentious and annoying as he has been for this whole god damned book, and keeps asking annoying leading questions that make me want to punch him in the face.
Oh FFS. For the record, at no point did Asshole Plot Device mention a week. That's the "clever" writing trying to talk down on how long it takes to get married in courtships. I mean Jesus H, the average courtship seems to take under 6 months for most of the people we follow. I guess that's 6 months that she could be pregnant, or the poor husband is having to not get laid. Gag. I really want a fucking glass of wine right now.
You know, at some point in the past, some FJ'r made a crack about the purity olympics leading to shit like this. It's sad that what we though was extreme is actually a belief being spouted by someone who is in a position to make his ideas heard and followed. Asshole Plot Device rightly calls him a fucking nutbar for getting engaged or betrothed or whatever the fuck to someone he just met, which leads to this:
First, you god damned motherfucking asshole, Boring Plot Device never said a fucking thing about whether or not you loved your wife, so stop the putting of words in someone's mouth. It's obnoxious, and so are you you fucking fuck! Second, Boring Plot Device is right. Marriage is a HUGE commitment, especially in fundie circles where divorce is Just Not Done. I can't even imagine marrying someone I didn't at least like. Friendship, at the very least, is in my opinion a requirement for a happy marriage.
Boring Plot Device says that it's important to be sure that the person that they are marrying is right for them and the one god has for them and all the boring courtship shit that they all spout, and then this happens, and I lose my shit:
I lost my shit entirely. I screamed fuck you so loud all three cats are staring at me, the dog started barking, and Mister destiny came running to see what had happened. He apparently had headphones on. I then got so angry that I burned the chapters I've already completed with EXTREME RELISH, while screaming 'fuck you you fucking fuck' the whole time.
There's so much wrong here. First, we are using marriage as a way of 'repentance' for sexual sin, and now Vaughn Ohlman (who is a creeper) is suggesting that the couple doesn't even need to be the same fucking religion. Granted, in normal non fundie marriage, it is not unheard of for a couple to be from different religions, but when we are talking fundies who have their whole life revolve around their church and their beliefs, that's a recipe for disaster. This whole shitshow is a disaster, but wow.
The verse he is citing is from 2 Corinthians 6:15. I'll grant him that this verse does not specifically say marriage, but it does mention partnership. If I shouldn't go into business with a non-Christian, why in the world would it be ok to do something as life-changing as fucking marry and procreate with them. His Scriptural evidence for this is ..... lacking to say the least.
Oh dear, RUN Asshole Plot Device RUN! The trap is closing around you and you don't even see it. Much as I really hate Asshole Plot Device, he doesn't deserve the mindfucking he's about to receive. They go back and forth for a while looking for biblical support for allowing someone to choose their own spouse. Andrew hits on Jesus having chosen us, the church, and then this happens:
Ok, I'm VERY confused. What sort of weird shit is this guy being taught / teaching in his church? Cos where I come from, Jesus chose to die for us and all that jazz. Yeah, there's the bit in Gethsemane when he asks god to take the cup away, but then he, of his own volition, goes and does the thing. Does anyone understand this teaching? is this some sort of denominational thing I just have never been exposed to?
They go back and forth trying to find biblical support for another page, and it's mostly stories told out of context. One they bring up is Esther marrying the king. Did that even happen? I honestly don't remember. My days of being Bible Bee winner are LONG past, but my vague memories include her being in his harem, not a wife, which means the relationship was likely rape since Esther couldn't say no. Not that she wasn't awesome and clever and everything, but I don't think her story has anything to do with marriage.
Tl;dr of this whole chapter is that the people participating in the marriage do what they are told cos vague, out of context reasons, and there's no reason to consider compatibility. I can't believe I got through this sober. Send help FJ, SEND HELP!
PS: By the way, if you are wondering, when Asshole Plot Device leaves, Nosy Busybody says he will be here, in the park, when next he wants to talk. I STILL want to know how this fucker makes a damn living.
PS2: This chapter just went in the fucking fire too, cos fuck this shit.
I started reading this chapter at noon my time, so the beginning, at least, of this mess will be done sober. Captain Courtship and Nosy Busybody are sitting together. One would assume in the same fucking park, but this shitty shitty writer didn't bother setting his scene. I know I shouldn't expect better because he's proven himself to be such a shit writer, but JFC couldn't SOMEONE have edited this shit to have it make fucking SENSE? Even fan fiction writers who write for FREE know they need beta readers to help them catch shit, and this fucking guy is fucking selling this bullshit for actual real god damned money. ARGH. Yes, I do realize I'm a grammar and formatting nazi, and no, I'm not sorry.
We open with Captain Courtship saying he was uncomfortable discussing these topics in front of an unmarried Asshole Plot Device. I know I keep fucking harping on this, but seriously, why the shit is a dude who is RESPONSIBLE FOR FUCKING HELPING YOUTH NAVIGATE SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS UNABLE TO TALK ABOUT SEX? This really really bothers me. It's like the blind leading the blind. Anyway, moving on, Captain Courtship is suffering anal pain because he feels like Nosy Busybody wasn't fair to courtship.
Captain Courtship says that he feels like Nosy Busybody was implying that courtship deliberately exposes kids to lust, which leads to this gem:
What. The. Actual. Fucking. Fuck did I just read? First, stop being a pedantic asshole Nosy Busybody, and second, WHY is it bad to take your time with deciding who you are going to marry? I mean, I think I've made it beyond crystal clear how much I dislike courtship, but I'd rather see people courting than following this model. At least there's fucking consent (usually), and some semblance of making sure that this person is right for you. The idea of being rushed into a marriage because I can't keep my fingers off my goodies is so appalling that I still can't even with this shit.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the shit Lana? Courtship promotes lust? I'm getting a mental picture of Kristina and her intended (whose name I forget) with their fucking ruler to make sure that they don't touch. Granted, not all courting couples follow those same rules, but by and large, there's a huge emphasis on "purity". Also, I would really really like to know how exactly lust is promoted, other than the whole but they have boobs and erections so marry them off bullshit that permeates this whole book.
The second paragraph actually includes a couple of footnotes, because that's one of the bigger piles of WTF I have seen in a while. I tried to follow the path to figure out what the fuck Vaughn Ohlman (who is a creeper!) was on about, but the footnote simply gives the name of a book and a page number, and I'm sorry FJ, I am not getting that book. I love my liver too much. I really really really really fucking want to know how the actual fuck the original practice of courtship was intended to convince married women to commit adultery. If anyone has a copy of Her Hand in Marriage by Douglas Wilson, please contact me because I really want to know what the shit he is on about. They go back and forth for a bit about how courtship is designed to encourage lust and I just can't even.
Wow. So, that happened. How very dare that we expect young men who want to marry to have some basic self control? I can't even imagine how terrifying the wedding night must be for the poor girls that this asshole sells off. Seriously, I'm crying right now.
[disclaimer: I am picking up after an hour or so because I was so upset by this that I walked away because I was literally thinking I might puke.]
Oh. My. God. Just when you think it can't get worse, it does. I guess this explains why Josh was married off after his little 'indiscretions' (please note that I'm not minimizing his actions, I'm just giving the fundie it's not that big a deal line.). He fucked up and so he gets a wife so he has a convenient hole to fuck as a solution to his problem. Just fucking wow. Then you include the casual misogyny of oh, she can't be that innocent, and this is just fucking no. The way I read this bit has some gross gross shades of women are whores that makes me so so sad.
That's so romantic and clearly a solution for life long happiness. "sorry babbbbee, but I couldn't control myself with women, so to prove to god I'm sorry, I had to marry you." I feel like that would lead to me resenting the shit out of my husband if I knew he only married me because it was for sex. How is a husband supposed to love his wife as christ loved the church if he only married her for sex? This makes no god damned sense whatsoever.
They are going back and forth about why kids need to marry and it's all the usual bullshit: a helpmeet for the husband and babbiiiiezzzzz for the wife, so I'm just gonna skip it cos it's the fundie horseshit we've heard 398394384 times in other places. There's also some shit about Reformed theology that I don't really understand because I'm not Christian anymore, but there's a snide remark about how the reformers need to reform back to the Bible and I hope he didn't think that was clever cos it wasn't.
Moving on, they go back and forth about how to decide if a young man is "qualified" to be married and Nosy Busybody shames Captain Courtship a bit for being uncomfortable with the idea of going to the parents of a potential spouse for his child. There are a lot of boring walls of text in this chapter, which is now, blessedly, OVER.
Ok, so remember when, like MONTHS ago, I said I was going to try to get this shitshow finished in the next couple of days? I lied. I can't even say that it was a couple of months. Baby Luna is now my beautiful grown up girl, and is not interested in helping mommy write this AT ALL. Anyway, I have a glass of wine, so let's get this shitshow on the road. When last we left our intrepid heroes, it seemed as though Nosy Busybody was trying (and succeeding) to convince Captain Courtship (the youth pastor, if you've forgotten. No judgement, I did too.) that selling their kids on Fundie eBay was the best way.
I am guessing we are back in the park, but Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) doesn't bother to set the stage properly. Anyway, we are going to talk about fornication today. Yay.
Oh. Dear. So, let's just marry off children instead of teaching them, I don't know, FUCKING SELF CONTROL. Bloody fantastic. That doesn't even touch on the WTF with "mental fornication". I really hate fucking purity culture. So fucking much. These ideas are horrific and damaging. They go back and forth about the marry or burn shit in I Corinthians 7 and fuck I hate @WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo? right now for reminding me that I really needed to finish this project.
Oh god. Send help and more wine. There's so fucking much wrong with that bit. First, there's the bullshit of only penis holders want sex. Second, there's more of the bullshit that fucking self control is impossible. I have seen many a pretty man in my day, and have managed to accost ZERO of them, because I'm not an asshole and I can control myself in the presence of the opposite sex. FUCKING HELL! Third, relief is possible. It's called fucking rub one out. Works for both genders. (The teaching against masturbation is probably a different discussion for a different day, but it's one of many things that bothers me about fundamentalism.) Lastly, I really really want to make a poop joke even though I know what he MEANS by incontinent, but I'm, at my core, a 12 year old boy who loves a poop joke.
WHAT THE SERIOUS FUCKING FUCK DID I JUST READ?????? DID HE JUST FUCKING REDUCE WOMEN TO A FUCKING HOLE TO SLAKE LUST? FUCKING FUCKING FUCK! Also, Captain Courtship, if you can't say sex, you probably shouldn't be instructing impressionable youth on the topic. Seriously, it bugs me that everyone speaks in innuendo in this whole book. Just fucking say sex. If you can't say sex, you are NOT READY to have it.
Great. Asshole Plot Device just showed up. Just what I needed. Can someone refill my glass of wine please? They have a boring back and forth on whether the word engagement or betrothal should be used, and they decide on betrothal because betrothal is unbreakable or some shit. I can't even with the idea of not being able to back out if you realise that this person isn't for you.
Y'all, I just sighed so hard that Luna just meowed an "are you ok mommy?" at me. It's sad to see this idea in print. I know, this book is a low bar, but the idea of the wife being responsible to put out so her husband doesn't sin makes me ragey. No one is responsible for their significant other's infidelity - that's down to the person who cheated.
It's sad how little agency women get in this system. I mean, it's not like courtship gives women a lot of agency, but this is even worse. Women are told that they will marry this person because dad said so, and their job is to be a convenient hole for their husband. They get no choices and their needs are completely secondary. Add on the fact that in Mr. Vaughn Ohlman (who is a creeper)'s view, a girl is ready for marriage when she has breasts, and you have a recipe for children to be sold in a marriage they have no choice in.
Honest question: how young are we actually talking about here? I mean, my first quasi-sexual feelings were probably about 13. I'd hazard a guess that my penis having friends probably were around the same age. If the whole point of marriage in his view is to allow for fucking, just how fucking young are we talking about here? I'm envisioning 12 - 14. That's horrifying on so many levels. Fuck.
(insert a John Oliver HOLY SHIT here. He's my TV husband. I'm required to link to him.)
Ok. So in Mr. Vaugh Ohlman's view, the whole point of life is to get married. I just can't even with the "father will present them with a spouse" bit. I just can't even imagine my dad showing up one day and saying, "Hi destiny, I see you have a nice set of B's now, so here's the man you are going to marry. Introduce yourself and you will be married in x amount of time." It's beyond horrifying. I know I keep saying that, but my heart breaks for the children that this is actively hurting / has already hurt.
He's so snide and arrogant too. Everyone else is wrong and false teachings. It's IMPOSSIBLE for him to be wrong about any of this because, well, I don't know. Maybe cos fuck you that's why? I'm troubled by the elders should be helping facilitate marriages too....it's shades of the Joy Books (I think they were called) that the FLDS once used to auction off young girls in their particular culty clusterfuck.
Also, I notice that there is no job for the mother in this. I guess she's just there to be a convenient hole for the patriarch. So fucking gross.
Anyway, after this wall of text, Captain Courtship wandered off into a chapter break. Thank god. I'll try to get another one of these out this week.
Disclaimer: It has been a while since I have thought about this clusterfuck of fail. Like, I had to go look up what I named Captain Courtship, because I totally couldn't remember. Ah, the sweet bliss of forgetfulness.
Wine: none, because this chapter is boring as fuck and I don't want to fall asleep. Luna has decided to stop sleeping through the night. I'm sure anyone who has kitten parented know how this story goes.
Ok, so, you know how I said I was going to do Part 2 of this chapter either that night or the next day? I lied. My excuse is adorable and currently playing with my sweatshirt. Luna: mommy, your shirt has strings. STRINGS MOMMY!
Anyway, when last we left our intrepid hero, Nosy Busybody was about to tell Captain Courtship what his five principles are for a successful marriage. I'm sure you are SUPER EXCITED to find out what they are, so I won't leave you in suspense.
Any list that contains the words true patriarchy can't be awesome. Let's find out what these mean, because they won't be horrible at ALL amirite?
Ok, so, when God created Adam and Eve, and directed them to marry, they were the first humans. THERE WAS NO WAY FOR THEM TO COURT BECAUSE THEY WERE THE ONLY HUMANS THAT EXISTED. I can't even with this as an excuse for why courtship doesn't go far enough. Honestly, I never really understood the church as the bride of Christ shit, because that was some sort of metaphor for a thing I didn't understand. That said, I'm pretty sure Christ wasn't looking to see if the Church had breasts he could "delight" in, so I'm not sure this is analogy that makes sense.
I copied more here than I normally would have, because this is important. This, right here, is the crux of this whole clusterfuck of fail. Fuck consent, fuck kids having any say in their own lives. A proper child should do whatever the fuck his or her daddy says, and that's it. No questioning or saying no is permitted. We talk a lot about how fucked women are in this lifestyle, and that's totally and completely true, but at least in this one instance, a penis won't help you have a better life. Even a male child still has to marry the person they are told to marry, and since Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) doesn't believe in "leave and cleave" and believes that parents should still influence their grown children's lives, even marriage isn't a way out for these kids. It's heartbreaking.
Also, maybe someone should tell this asshole that part of the reason we don't do things this way today is that we don't live in the fucking Bronze Age anymore. We also don't live in tents....but they do in the Bible. Should we all move out of our homes into tents in order to be more godly? It really blows my mind when people use the Bible as an exact word for word example of how to do things. In addition, it has been a while, but I'm pretty sure I remember something in the New Testament about Christians not being tied to the strictures of the Old Testament. I kind of want to know if this guy follows the Levitical dietary rules and so forth, because it sure seems like he is cherry picking things that give him and others of his ilk more power. FUCK THIS GUY.
Ok, so covenant is the "giving away pieces of your heart" bullshit on steroids. Great. Well, given that Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) married his son off to a woman he had known for two hours (removed story on his blog) and they were too nervous to speak to each other before the ceremony, I guess that this should have been obvious. Anyway, the Biblical examples he cites are: 1) Jacob and Rachel, 2) Shekem and Dinah, 3) David and Bathsheba, 4) David and Michal, 5) Amnon and Tamar, and 6) Samson and Delilah. FUCK. Um, first, one of these relationships was adultery (David and Bathsheba), one was a fucking rape (Shekem and Dinah), and one was fucking rape and incest (Amnon and Tamar). Rape is apparently a romantic relationship now. FUCK THIS GUY. Somehow he twists these examples in to this:
Here's the point where I screamed, "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE" so loud that I woke up Luna, who was, til now, happily sleeping on my chest. Seriously, how does one jump from those examples to that? Personally, I would have run with something like don't fucking rape, but I'm a woman who makes her own choices, so what the fuck do I know? God, I hate this man. Vaughn Ohlman is a fucking creeper. Thankfully, they somewhat skip over youth, so I don't have to write another rant about how Vaughn Ohlman is a fucking creeper who obsesses on young girls' breast development. Moving on, let's do obedience, shall we?
Prior to this passage, they had talked about courtship having delays for pesky little things like education, ability to support themselves, and compatibility. Apparently, that's disobedient to what God said. Forget using the common sense he supposedly gave us, or waiting for the ability to be able to support your family and the 23874389783 arrows you are supposed to add to your quiver, or even getting to know the person you are supposed to spend the rest of your life with, no, fuck that, let's get married right away. NOTHING CAN GO WRONG WITH THIS PLAN. God, I hate this man.
Thankfully, that's the end of this chapter. Captain Courtship wanders away to think about all of the new things that he heard from Nosy Busybody, and thank god this is over. Incidentally, for some reason, Vaughn Ohlman (who is a creeper) decided to inform us that Captain Courtship pulled out his cellphone as he was walking off. I'm not sure if this is clumsy foreshadowing, or a snide comment about younger people and their cellphones. I wouldn't put it past this asshole to be condescending about kids today and their phones, because it seems to be a recurring theme with him. Fuck this guy.
Now that Luna is settled in and older, I'm going to try to go back to posting these daily. Here's hoping I manage it.
Disclaimer: this chapter is all boring walls of text. I'll do my best to make it interesting, but I may not be successful.
Wine: naw, it would just make me fall asleep, cos this shit is boring.
We have another new character today! Captain Courtship, the youth pastor at Good Girl and Barren Spinster's church. Um, Barren Spinster is 32. Why does she have a youth pastor? Maybe I need some wine after all. Artist's rendition:
Back in the god damned park. I may end up becoming a full on hater of nature by the end of this clusterfuck of fail. Incidentally, the chapter illustration is a high rise. One might wonder what a high rise has to do with a park, but one would never get an answer, so moving the fuck on. Nosy Busybody is chillin' in the park and OMFG DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS? WHY IS EVERYONE IN THE PARK ALL DAY LONG? Captain Courtship is also in the park today BECAUSE REASONS AND COS FUCK ME THAT'S WHY, so he wanders over to Nosy Busybody and asks if they can talk. Captain Courtship wants to set the record straight on what courtship really means, because he feels like Good Girl and Barren Spinster did a bad job of it. Spoiler: this explanation goes on for FIFTEEN fucking pages. SEND HELP! (this is totally why this chapter has taken so long, cos it's too damned long and I'm scared.)
Nosy Busybody, you arrogant motherfucker. I hate you and your condescending ass. That's what fucking theology means, you steaming pile of shit. This was the point were I took a 20 minute detour to try to determine if Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) has a college education, but I was unsuccessful at doing so. I assume that he must have some sort of secondary education if he worked as a schoolteacher, but I could find nothing that says that he has a college degree. Not that I think having a degree matters all that much, but this quote definitely seems to hate on people with educations. This guy. This fucking guy. HATE.
Anyway, Captain Courtship gives the boring courtship is godly and keeps you from giving away pieces of your heart speech, and I'm just going to skip it, because, if you are on FJ, you have heard it all before and because I have blood pressure to consider. Nosy Busybody retorts that courtship really doesn't seem all that dissimilar from dating, because there are serial courters in the world. I don't entirely disagree with Nosy Busybody on this issue, but I also think the whole courtship movement is FUCKING HORSESHIT and that getting your heart broken a time or two is part of growing up. It's a shitty part, but learning what DOESN'T work for you in a relation ship helps you learn what DOES.
Nosy Busybody starts in on his spiel about how the bible doesn't say that people who marry should be able to support themselves or that they should be mature enough to make a life altering decision and omfg, I want to punch him. It breaks my heart to think of the kids this asshole has harmed. Captain Courtship and Nosy Busybody go back and forth for a while on whether courtship is Biblical, and it's boring and stupid and send help and wine!
God, hes' being condescending again, and I want to reach through the screen and throttle him. So fucking badly. Apparently we are going to go through all five of these points and Nosy Busybody is going to explain to us how courtship does NOT serve these goals. (Personally, I think anything that doesn't serve the goal of more patriarchy is a win, but I'm a godless heathen so what the fuck do I know?)
I'm just gonna summarise the five points, because this goes on for PAGES. Piety: courtship can't be pious because there's no one who gets married via courtship in the Bible? Uh, what the actual fuck does that have to do with piety? I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. Go get the fortifying beverage of your choice before you start the next one. I did. For the record, I now have a cider next to me while I'm writing this because this one made me angry. Patriarchy: courtship allows the children to make choices with the parent's approval. The Bible doesn't talk about that. The Bible has the parents telling the children what to do and they just do it. *vomits* Purity: the tl;dr of this argument is that Paul said it is better to marry than burn, so let's marry them off so they don't have bad thoughts about teh ebil secks. Preparedness: basically, it's they've reached sexual awakening, so they should get married and go start popping out babies. Patience: a good thing, but should not be confused with delay. The whole section was a word salad that made no sense to me.
They go back and forth on whether Rebekah consented to the marriage with Isaac for like 2 pages. Captain Courtship is team Rebekah gave consent to marrying Isaac because there is a Bible verse where she says "I will go". Nosy Busybody tries to make the case that her consent was demanded because her father had already made the agreement. Here's what it says, because it makes me too angry:
Leaving out the oriental bit, which is terrible for its own reasons, WHAT THE SHIT FUCK?????????????????? This guy is fucking evil.
Moving on, we are going to go through Nosy Busybody's five principles for how to make a successful marriage. I am going to go through these tomorrow, or later tonight, because Luna should be here soon, and I don't want to be angry when she gets here. Part 2, coming soon.
Disclaimer: I am in a fantastic mood today. I'm taking the first day off from the second volunteer job I have taken in a couple weeks, and I'm sitting on my deck with a glass of wine writing this. Current View:
Wine: I have a glass for sipping.
Ok, for starters, it has been pointed out to me that this pile of horseshit has a 4 and 5 rating on Goodreads and Amazon. If you feel the direction of the lord calling you to do so, I think we should do something about that.
Today, we are meeting a new character, the Barren Spinster. Granted, shes only thirty-two years old, but think of all the babies she could have had if her daddy had sold her on Bridal!Ebay. Artist's rendering:
Illustration is another set of houses. We get it, this park is in a weird place that's bordered both by high rise buildings and average neighbourhoods. Let's mix it up a little, shall we? Oy. Anyway, we are back in the damned park and seriously, does anyone ever go anywhere but the park in this town? Why couldn't this chapter have happened in, I dunno, the produce section at Kroger or something? I hate this book.
Anyway, for some stupid reason, Good Girl is at the park with her cousin, Barren Spinster, HOPING to run into Space Invader. Why the actual fuck would anyone hope for that? Good Girl wants Space Invader to hear more about courtship from Barren Spinster. Um, again, if Good Girl honestly chose courtship, why doesn't she understand it and and why can't she defend it? Anyway, Barren Spinster name drops Her Hand in Marriage by Douglas Wilson and goes on about how it gives such a "Biblical way to get married," and mentions that she has courted. Space Invader says uh, no, it's not terribly biblical at all, and for once I agree with her.
Space Invader asks how long Barren Spinster has been married, and Barren Spinster says that she isn't. Space Invader is all ......., but I thought you courted? Barren Spinster says that not all courtships have to end in marriage, and tells us that her first courtship was when she was eighteen and her dad broke it off because the man didn't have what was needed to support her. Apparently he's still supporting himself doing odd jobs fourteen years later. I hate hate hate this idea of dad gets to decide who the woman can court, but this doesn't seem like a terribly bad idea to break it off. The larger question is why the heck did daddy approve this relationship to start with? Methinks daddy needs to reread the courtship manuals.
The second courtship was with someone from another church, and was broken off by the man because of doctrinal differences. Space Invader, is of course, saddened that Barren Spinster hasn't married and proceeded to pump out 38493724382 babies. I mean, you never know, he might have changed his mind on doctrine in the future, cos marrying expecting the person to change NEVER ends badly. We get it book, no one should look at pesky little things like religious beliefs or ability to eat when looking for a life partner. I can't imagine how unhappy people who marry under this clusterfuck end up.
Oh. My. God. BOUNDARIES. Also, unmarried and barren? There's more to life than being married and pumping out umpteenth babies, but it's pretty clear that Space Invader doesn't think so. What a horrible fucking thing to say. She's just as much of an asshole as her husband. I just can't with this whole exchange.
After this clusterfuck of dialog, we move on to talk about how courtship is leaving behind a bunch of unmarried girls and what a tragedy that is. I mean, think of all the eggs that aren't being fertilised! God, I hate these people. Barren Spinster takes her leave, and Good Girl and Space Invader talk about how they both hope that Good Girl doesn't end up a barren spinster too. *gag.
With that, we are done with this chapter.
Disclaimer: I'm starting this sober, because I have a meeting for second full time volunteer job in an hour. Also, this chapter is even grosser than the previous chapters, and I can see a case for it being triggering, so make your own decisions on reading.
Wine: none right now, but since I won't get this finished before I have to leave for meeting, I'm sure that will change on the back half.
Characters: We have Good Girl, and a new one, Space Invader. Here she is (one again courtesy of @OnceUponATime):
I'm also going to include Salesman Headship, because even though he isn't in this chapter, he's mentioned a lot, and I think his avatar is fucking hilarious:
Illustration: it's that damned picnic table again. I hate this park.
We are back in the park. Do people hang out in the park this much in real life? I mean, my town has a park, but we don't really go there if it's not to take the kids to play on the swings. The chillin' in the park seems weird, but that's the least of my complaints with this fucking book, so moving on. Good Girl is in the park, all sad and depressed, and Space Invader walks up to her and is all, "You look like you need a hug," THEN SHE HUGS GOOD GIRL. Good Girl is all who the actual fuck are you and WHAT THE SHIT ARE YOU DOING HUGGING SOMEONE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW. I know that I like being touched less than some people, but you do NOT hug me unless you know me, and maybe not even then. These assholes have no concept of personal space and boundaries.
Anyway, after Space Invader introduces herself, she asks why Good Girl is sad. Good Girl is sad because Salesman Headship said that Asshole Plot device couldn't court her. He said that Asshole Plot Device was too immature to consider marriage, and so was Good Girl. You know, I really can't argue with Salesman Headship here. Asshole Plot Device comes off very young, and Good Girl is canonically barely eighteen. Could it be? Is there finally going to be a character that doesn't suck in this story? Wait a minute, the whole point of this terrible book is that fathers should sell their daughters, so I'm sure I'm going to hate him once I actually meet him.
Good Girl points out that she is an adult in the eyes of the law and her father is being SO UNREASONABLE to not allow her to court Asshole Plot Device. I mean, she's EIGHTEEN. HOW DARE HER PARENTS POINT OUT THAT SHE IS NOT READY FOR A LIFE LONG COMMITMENT. I hate this book. Of course, since Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) doesn't really care about when a child legally becomes an adult, and it's all about the breasts, I feel like we are headed for something that's going to make me want to hurl. Space Invader asks when God thinks that a child becomes an adult, and Good Girl really doesn't know.
Two things: 1) god, Space Invader is a condescending asshole. 2) I wouldn't consider being told you were just like Nosy Busybody was a complement. SEND HELP AND WINE!
Space Invader points out that there is no definition for adult in the Bible, and so Good Girl asks if there is an indication in the Bible as to when someone is ready for marriage.
I just.....WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ? There's so much wrong with this passage that I don't even know where to fucking start, so I'm just going to go to a meeting and come back to this clusterfuck when I have a glass of wine and maybe some chocolate to help counteract this. *several hours later* Ok. So, this happened, and it doesn't make any sense after several hours. Here's the things I thought about while contemplating how to approach this pile of horseshit.
1) In this world view, the word of the father is usually final. It's very odd to me that Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) is allowing Space Invader to question the words of Salesman Headship directly to Good Girl. I honestly expected Nosy Busybody to show up at Salesman Headship's place of business to tell him that he was doing it all wrong.
2) Good Girl has breasts, so she is ready for marriage. Um, I know a ten year old who has bigger breasts than me. Should I be arranging a marriage for her? I mean, who cares if the couple can support themselves, or if the woman's body is not developed enough to have kids, or if they are emotionally ready for a lifelong commitment? She has boobs, and that means EVERYTHING, right? God, I want to vomit.
3) "In what you would call Chapter 8". Every Bible I have ever seen is divided into chapter and verse. What the hell is she on about? Do these people have a super special Bible I've never heard of?
Good Girl is all, what the hell, boobs are all that's required? Don't you know that a wife has to do all this stuff? Then she realises that she's talking to a woman who is married. There's a squicky sexual undertone to this and oh god why the hell does this pile of shit exist and I pray that no one ever paid real money to get this horror.
Space Invader says that she didn't say that a woman should get married the moment that breasts happen, but that there is no Biblical list that implies readiness for marriage. Goddess forbid that people use common sense, noooo, it's all about the letter of the book written two thousand years ago. She says that people should get married while they are young, and that's all the Bible really says on the topic. While I'm enjoying making fun of this horseshit, it's breaking my heart that somewhere, there is a child out there RIGHT NOW that is being harmed by this guy's teachings.
What. the. fuck. This is a quote from a larger conversation about whether or not Good Girl needs to obey her father in the area of who to court or not to court. First, child means fucking child, and the idea that adult children need to obey their parents is seriously WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK territory. I can't even imagine trying to boss my adult kids around. I'd offer advice and suggestions if they asked, but otherwise? Their lives are their lives. Maybe I don't understand cos I don't have a penis? Secondarily, the whole premise of courting is that the parents are involved and ostensibly Good Girl agreed to that, so why does this whole chapter exist?
We have a short, boring conversation about Salesman Headship probably being scared to help Good Girl make such a life altering change and nothing really happened in this chapter besides a woman being horrible to another woman and thank god it's over. This chapter genuinely disturbed me, mostly because it was a "woman" spouting this shit to another woman. I can't really adequately put into words why it bothered me so much, but somehow horrible, misogynist things are worse coming from a woman.
Disclaimer: I have had a super shitty day, and I'm having none of Nosy Busybody's HORSESHIT today.
Wine: Full bottle. Plan your grammar expectations accordingly.
Glass number one commencing. OK, let's do this! Today, we don't have an illustration. Alas. Also, no new characters are introduced today, but Ebil Whore is mentioned, so I'm going to take the liberty of reminding you again what she looks like:
We are back in the park. Is there NO other place to hang out in this town than a fucking park? I mean, one of the illustrations had a high rise. WHY YOU GUYS NO GO TO STARBUCKS OR SOMETHING? Wait, I just thought that one through. They can't go to Starbucks. Starbucks supports teh ebil gheys and allows teh wimmins to work there. Silly me. Anyway, for some reason, Asshole Plot Device PLANNED to meet Nosy Busybody there. Oh Asshole, you could have been great, but you had to go and ruin it.
(I added a link in the footnote for your convenience. Please feel free to click and then roll your eyes so far you might hurt them.) Ok Nosy Busybody, we fucking get it. You are super wise, and clever, and it's sad that no one is listening to you. Also, I know why, but there's a small part of me that is giggling that Wisdom is a she in this verse. It's almost like women can be wise too!
Anyway, because Asshole Plot Device is just that - a plot device, OF COURSE he wants to talk about dating. I hate this book. So fucking much. Bright side, this chapter is only three pages, so let's soldier on, yes? Asshole Plot Device wants to talk about how Good Girl's explanation of courtship doesn't seem to leave any room for fun, but his interpretation of the Bible is that God likes fun. I will give Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) this: so many of the fundies we follow lead lives that are depressing and joyless, and the way I read my Bible was that that's not what God wants for us. Of course, because he's FUCKING AWFUL, he has to do it in the grossest way imaginable.
Of course, fucking Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) has to make it about breasts. God, I can't even with this guy. I'm honestly a bit nauseated right now. Send more wine please! Also, how did we go from fun to sex? Like, how did we go from point a to point b? Shouldn't there have been a segue?
Asshole Plot Device is getting all turned on from this conversation. Seriously, that's actually in the text. He says he enjoyed the verse too much. Now, I'm the first to say yes, Song of Solomon is sexy as hell. There are times and places, and in a park with Nosy Busybody is NOT the time I would be getting all hot and bothered by the Bible. It's just weird and awkward and gross.
Anyway, Nosy Busybody is all well, since you totally have an awkward boner right now, let's find you a wife so you can fuck. It really is as gross as it sounds.
Asshole Plot Device says he can't find a wife, because he still doesn't understand dating and god this is miserable. He spews some slut shaming sort of crap about Ebil Whore, who is not only clearly a slut because she wanted to have sex with him, but also she goes to COLLEGE. And stays in a DORM. The misogyny is real y'all. RUN EBIL WHORE RUN! Nosy Busybody demonstrates absolutely no boundaries, and basically rubs Asshole Plot Device's nose in the fact that he can have sex any time he wants.
Thank the powers, because Good Girl just showed up to save us from this conversation. Maybe I should send her HELP and WINE. She came by to apologise and tell us that she talked to daddy and daddy explained courtship to her better. Uh, how exactly has she made a conscious decision to court if she didn't fully understand it? These families are always on about how the kid made their own decisions, and the parents totally aren't influencing them. Granted, this is skewed because Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) is trying to prove his point that courtship isn't biblical, but I feel like I have seen this in reality too.
Anyway, Salesman Headship told Good Girl that courtship isn't in the Bible per se, but they feel like Biblical principles like no fornication apply. Uh, I dated Mister Destiny for well over a year before we had sex. And we dated. It's almost like we were adults who were capable of making our own decisions about sexual intimacy. This movement definitely infantilises its members.
Um, not everyone who dates fornicates. I know people who decided not to have sex before marriage. Fuck you Good Girl. And fuck your slut shaming too. How the hell does having kissed someone make you a woman that someone wouldn't want to marry? EW EW EW EW EW.
Anyway, somehow this leads Asshole Plot Device to ask Good Girl for Salesman Headship's work number, so he can call and ask for permission to court Good Girl. Nosy Busybody still has questions, but fuck him cos this chapter is OVER.
Disclaimer: I'm starting this chapter at 12:15 AM my time, so apologies in advance for grammar and spelling failures. I probably won't get this finished before I pass out, but I'm gonna give it a go. Wine status: none.
The awesomely amazing @OnceUponATime has made us illustrations of our characters. This chapter will have Nosy Busybody, The Good Girl, and Asshole Plot Device. Here's an artist's rendering:
Asshole Plot Device:
The Good Girl:
These are quite possibly the funniest things I have ever seen, and I can not WAIT til we get to the point where we meet Salesman Headship, because his and Teh Ebil Whore's are COMEDY GOLD.
In case you were wondering, the image today is of a street with houses on. I have no idea why, because they are in the park again. Where I come from, the chapter illustration is supposed to, you know, ILLUSTRATE THE FUCKING CHAPTER, but apparently Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) lives in a different world.
We open today's chapter with Teh Good Girl and Asshole Plot Device arguing in the park. Wait, who told Teh Good Girl she could leave the house without a headship? She's just one step away from becoming a fallen Jezebel with no supervision, and to make it worse, she's TALKING TO A BOY! WITHOUT DADDY! I need some pearls to clutch.
Nosy Busybody wanders in because clearly someone needs to teach the kids how to act right or something. He asks what is going on, and Asshole Plot Device tells him that mean Good Girl refused to date him. Good Girl retorts that she won't date him because she doesn't date, she courts. Oh god. This is going to hurt, and it's almost 1AM. Asshole Plot Device comes across as the quintessential "nice guy that gets ignored by girls" here. He's all mad because he wants to date Good Girl and she doesn't want to go go out with him. I mean, HE is serious about wanting to to marry her, so OBVIOUSLY Good Girl is REQUIRED to date him. Gross.
Anyway, Good Girl tells Asshole Plot Device that it's not him, it's that she won't date anyone cos she is only going to court. Asshole Plot Device asks fucking Nosy Busybody to define courtship for him. Um, dude, the woman who said she only courts is RIGHT FUCKING THERE. Maybe you should FUCKING ASK HER, not a random dude you just met. If I haven't been to bed yet, does it still count as drinking too early if I go upstairs for a glass of wine?
Nosy Busybody points out that courtship doesn't appear in the Bible, which is accurate, and I would cheer if I didn't know that he was going to use that fact as reasoning for his fucking betrothal horseshit. Alas, I'm sure that is coming. SPOILERS!
Good Girl attempts to explain what courtship means with this lovely exchange:
First problem. I was raised fundie, and homeschooled, and I'd still never heard of Gothard before FJ, so the "even where I come from" (which is nebulous in the text, other than Middle East, and a comment is made early on that his attire matches that) makes no fucking sense. Second problem, if Bill Gothard is too fucking liberal for you, I can't even with you. Third problem, I'd like to argue the very popular point. Last I checked, he was booted out of his ministry for impropriety. Fourth problem, I still don't have any wine.
Nosy Busybody basically says that courtship sounds just like dating to him. I mean, in the courtship model, the kids have some sort of say in their lives, so clearly it's EXACTLY THE SAME as dating. SEND HELP AND WINE! Good Girl tries to explain that courtship is way different because all the parties involved are SERIOUS y'all. Asshole Plot Device butts in with a wait a minute, I'm serious about marrying you, how could you turn me down, and oh my god I want to smack him upside the head with a women's studies textbook. Of course, Nosy Busybody backs Asshole Plot Device, but that's mostly because he's trying to prove that courtship is the same as dating.
There's a stupid conversation about how courtship doesn't signify readiness for marriage, and a brief sojourn into covenant marriages. Nosy Busybody is condescending as shit to poor Good Girl, and of course, because she's a woman, and a stupid plot device, she can't adequately express the Biblical reasons for courtship. That could have something to do with the fact that they don't exist, but I digress. There's some boring bullshit about covenant marriage, but it's all really to serve the purpose of "proving" that courtship and dating are the same thing. It's basically two pages of nothing but them being passive aggressive and condescending at each other. Bright side: I'm not depressed like I was after chapter three, just tired.
Preach Good Girl, preach. This is the first time I've agreed with you, though again, I really hate the fact that both women in the story so far have stormed off after having a disagreement with Nosy Busybody. Way to play with the "women are overly emotional and irrational" sterotype. Fuck you and your misogyny again Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper). And with that, this chapter is over, except for Asshole Plot Device making plans to meet up with Nosy Busybody to answer more questions. It's too late to even tell him to run away anymore.
It's 1:30 AM and I'm tired, and thank god this chapter is done because reading it is putting me to sleep. I reread for grammar and spelling, but I'm sure I missed stuff. I'll go through it again in the morning when I can see straight.
Before we start this clusterfuck of a chapter, wine status: glass is full. There is no way to read this shit sober. Warning: it IS as bad as you are imagining. Go ahead and grab the fortifying beverage of your choice. I'll wait. :-P With that, let's go meet Teh Ebil Whore!
We open the chapter with a pencil (I think? I'm no art major.) drawing of a city street, complete with high rise buildings. No idea why, because, for some reason, Boring Plot Device is INTENTIONALLY having lunch with Nosy Busybody in the fucking park. Run Boring Plot Device, RUN! You are running out of chances to get Nosy Busybody's hooks out of you! Anyway, their quiet lunch is about to spoiled by the arrival of Teh Ebil Whore.
Teh Ebil Whore walks up, and immediately starts being horrible, because she's an evil whore and we DEFINITELY can't make her likeable in any way. Sigh. She launches into a rant about how Boring Plot Device never called her. Now, the implication, at least the way I read it, in the first chapter was that the date where Teh Ebil Whore came on to poor, innocent Boring Plot Device was a first date. Apparently, it wasn't. They had been going out long enough for Teh Ebil Whore to think that they were in a relationship. The writing is all over the place, and I'm not quite sure if they went out a couple of times or the relationship had been ongoing.
Ok, so, I'm honestly not an expert on dating (mister destiny was my first serious boyfriend and we've been together for twenty years), but I feel like Teh Ebil Whore's expectations here were valid. The text implies that she is being unreasonable and irrational, but if I had been going out with a man long enough that I felt like there was enough there to initiate sex, I would expect the man to call me, and to have the courtesy to break up with me before he asks out The Good Girl. I'm not sure how mainstream the expectation is, but I feel like she's being mistreated by the narrative here.
Oh, Teh Ebil Whore, I was all set to like you, and you had to go and ruin it. Why????? Boring Plot Device's response to her "Who is this guy?" was that he was a friend that knows the Bible and they were talking about dating. Her response is basically, "Ohlala, y'all gonna fuck?" Sigh. The way it comes across is petty and anti-gay, and that's one of my biggest hot button issues. Boring Plot Device is, of course, horrified at the implication, because god forbid anyone think he was gay. BRB, going for another glass of wine.
Oh Teh Ebil Whore....NO NO NO NO NO! How does ANYONE look "kind of foreign"? Perhaps I should introduce her to my BFF, who is a native born American who happens to be Latino, or another friend of mine who looks as stereotypically American as you could ever imagine, and is in fact from Wales. Fuck you and your casual racism Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper). *takes a sip.
Nosy Busybody asks Teh Ebil Whore what she was expecting out of dating Boring Plot Device, and wow, she comes across so. fucking. young here. She gives all the standard "worldly girl" reasons: someone to do stuff with, someone to talk about with her girlfriends, the fact that a boyfriend helps complete her, and someone to hang out with so she isn't lonely. Poor Ebil Whore. She sounds so unhappy. I want to sit her down and help her find something that actually completes her, and be her friend. Even though she says the most unlikable things, I still can't help but like her.
Ok book, we have been back and forth between a couple dates and going out for quite a while. WHICH ONE IS IT? If they have been going out for a while, I think I may have to change Boring Plot Device's name to Asshole Plot Device. Anyway, we go through the silly "women don't really want sex, they really just want someone to love them" trope, and sweet baby J, send help and more wine. I just ran aground, and I'm so close to the end that I don't want to go upstairs to get another glass. Of COURSE, women don't want sex because they like orgasms, noooooo, they only want someone to love them. I mean, of course, nearly everyone wants someone to love them, but why the shit are we playing to this shitty sterotype?
Yes Ebil Whore, it really would have been. Asshole Plot Device, take a note. Let's not fuck this up again. Well, I'm sure you won't because it's pretty clear you are going to buy The Good Girl from her Salesman Headship, and live happily ever after, but still. I hope you end up feeling bad about this, but let's face it, Ebil Whore is just a plot device as well, not a real, fleshed out character, and now that Asshole Plot Device has dumped her for The Good Girl, we will probably never see her again.
Ebil Whore stomps off angrily (and good for her. Nosy Busybody is being a condescending asshole to her.), so we have to move on to the tried and true pieces of the heart are gone bullshit. I actually sort of agree with Nosy Busybody just a bit here:
Bolding mine. He's not entirely wrong here. Relationships are built on communication, and having a talk about what you expect out of a relationship is a good idea. Because we have conflicting information in the text on how long they dated, it's hard to say if that conversation should have happened. I'm also genuinely confused by Asshole Plot Device's expectations here. He said in chapter 1 that he was dating because he wanted to get married. Now he's dating because he wanted to have fun. That's not to say that these things are mutually exclusive, but the whole, "you were just looking to have fun" isn't exactly what the text said. Perhaps Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) should have written an outline and a character study, cos Asshole Plot Device's character is as clear as mud right now.
FUCK YOU ASSHOLE PLOT DEVICE! Instead of being sad that he might have hurt a woman that one would assume might at the very least have considered a friend, he's on about the stupid pieces of her heart horseshit. It's all about the penis at the end of the line. Fuck you asshole, and fuck the patriarchy and misogyny that makes people think that fucking HORSESHIT like this is fucking OK.
Thank god that this chapter is over. It wasn't wtf-y so much as it was fucking sad. I want to give Ebil Whore a hug so. fucking. bad, and then sit down Asshole Plot Device and try to deprogram him.
Next time on this clusterfuck: we have a GotHard mention. Hopefully that one will be back to being funny wtf, not just depressing.
Because I am starting the read of this shitfest at noon my time, I am doing this sober. Therefore, you can expect even more fucks than last time, because wow. Just fucking wow.
We open at the park again. For some reason, Boring Plot Device decided to go back there. Personally, if I had Nosy Busybody show up and start bothering me in this park, I would never ever go back there again. Granted, I am an antisocial asshole to start with, but if some creeper showed up and started bothering me about my phone and quoting Bible verses at me, I'd put that park on this list:
Anyway, let's get this show on the road. Boring Plot Device is apparently bothered by something, because he's picking at his food. This dialog only format is hurting my fucking brain. I'm a fan of good dialog, but there's a time and place for exposition too. Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) needs to go to a creative writing class immediately, if not sooner. Nosy Busybody can't miss this chance to be a fucking ruiner of fun, so he wanders over to bother poor Boring Plot Device.
Nosy Busybody asks how Boring Plot Device's date went on Friday. Boring Plot Device tells him it went ok, but he isn't sure that he is doing this whole dating thing properly. He needs to know WHY he was dating, and how he is supposed to glorify God while doing it. Um, dude, if you went out and had fun with a person that you are interested in, you did it right. I hate this fucking book.
Apparently, on this purposeless date, Boring Plot Device took Teh Ebil Whore (I think, the text isn't clear, but I'm pretty sure that's who it was from context. If it isn't Teh Ebil Whore, it's certainly AN ebil whore!) to see Titanic. Oh.....dear. I feel like a rant about teh ebil bewbs is coming. Fuck me, why did I start this before a socially acceptable boozing hour? SOMEONE send me a mimosa. I can drink those before 5PM, right? Alas, I turned out to be right. Boring Plot Device has seen the film a few times, and thought it was ok, especially since it was PG (EXCEPT IT FUCKING ISN'T! DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH MR. OHLMAN (who is a creeper)! IT'S NOT THAT GOD DAMNED HARD). HOWEVER, after the lecture about glorifying God from Nosy Busybody, Boring Plot Device is now disturbed by "certain scenes". Jeez Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper), if you are going to write a terrible book that's about sex and marriage, you may want to be able to actually SAY the words sex and breasts. FUCK!
His date, who is clearly a whore, wasn't bothered by the "certain scenes". Oh dear. Clearly Teh Ebil Whore needs Nosy Busybody to sit her down and teach her how not to be a whore. This bit kind of comes out of nowhere, and doesn't appear to connect to anything else in the chapter, so I'm just gonna chalk it up to Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) being a sexist asshole and move the fuck on.
Nosy Busybody asks what Boring Plot Device's what the Bible says about dating. Boring Plot Device rightly points out that the Bible doesn't really say much on the topic, probably because at the time, fathers sold their daughters for a few goats, and since women are FUCKING PEOPLE, we don't do that shit anymore. Clearly we need to go back to selling our daughters, because that's what a book written thousands of years ago says. SEND HELP AND WINE! Thankfully, we aren't going to go too far down the arranged marriage path right now, which is good because there's no way I could do that chapter sober, society's rules be damned.
Today, we are just trying to determine what the purpose for dating is. Boring Plot Device, who is clearly A Good Christian, doesn't want to date just to date. He wants to date to get married. Nosy Busybody asks why he wants to get married. Boring Plot Device lists the reasons that pretty much anyone gets into a serious relationship: companionship, kids, and *wink, wink* sex. Boring Plot Device couldn't even SAY sex, so clearly he isn't quite ready to be having it. The text is pretty unclear as to Boring Plot Device's age, but maturity wise, he's coming across as pretty damned young. I hope Boring Plot Device is at least of legal age. Nosy Busybody, to his credit, sorta calls him on that, with this:
There's a bit of back and forth about how marriage glorifies god, and Boring Plot Device can glorify God by having sex with his wife, and I'm trying so hard to care but there's just one more page in this fucking chapter. The more terrifying bit to me is Boring Plot Device saying he HAS to get married because he can't ignore girls, and the implication is that he should get married because he can't control himself. Yuck. This kid is so clearly still a child, with all the blushing and not being able to talk about sex, and the text is pushing for him to marry. NOTHING can go wrong with this plan.
Somehow, this conversation leads Boring Plot Device to realise that he's going about this whole dating thing wrong. If he is going to date with the plan to marry, then he needs to ask out The Good Girl:
OK, so. 1) Gotta love the name. I might have named a character Maydyn if I were actually a decent writer and wanted to write something like this ironically. Unfortunately, I don't think that Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) meant this ironically. I'm not sure he even knows what that word means. 2) Boring Plot Device said he was dating with the intent of marriage earlier in this chapter. HOW IS THIS A NEW REALISATION???
Nosy Busybody tries to point out that asking her out is still The Wrong Thing to Do, but Boring Plot Device is already on the phone to ask out The Good Girl. Excellent. I'm glad the discussion of how Boring Plot Device needs to buy The Good Girl from her dad is going to be another day.
Thank the gods, this closes out the chapter. Somehow, I managed to write this sober. I think I should have a glass of wine to celebrate!
No, the title of this entry is NOT an error - that really is the name of the first "chapter". I'm already feeling like this is a terrible idea.
First, my general feelings on the layout and construction of this book. It seems as though he was selling the book for actual money on Amazon (I didn't confirm this because fuck having a bunch of similar to this bullshit show up in my account for the next 29834739 years), so he could have spent some BASIC time authoring the ebook properly. There isn't even a bloody table of fucking contents, which is the height of laziness. Seriously, there are three FREE ebook authoring programs I can think of off the top of my head. This layout and look looks like he threw something together in Microsoft Word. Also, it's not really a story. It's all shitty, stilted dialog. If this was a fanfic, I would have noped out by now, and added the author to my permanent FUCK NO list.
We open our festivities with a cast of characters. They all have "clever" names. I'm not gonna bother to list them here, because I'm sure I'm going to post a quote now and then, so you can be surprised by the cleverness.
(disclosure: the first sip of wine was just taken. Please forgive the inevitable failures in spelling and grammar that will happen as I attempt to anesthetise myself against this drivel.)
Chapter 1: we are in the park, and Andrew is playing with his phone. Probably because he's sitting alone in a fucking park, and screwing around with his fucking phone seems like a logical thing to do if you are sitting alone with nothing else to do. Or maybe that's just me. Who the fuck knows. It's a stupid, boring entry to a story that is utter shit. For some reason, Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) decides to tell us that the nosy busybody who is going to accost poor Andrew looks Middle Eastern. I haven't read past this chapter, but I really fucking hope I'm not going to be treated to a pile of racism to go with the rampant sexism and misogyny I'm about to experience.
The nosy busybody, whose name is Sakal (google it plus meaning. Seriously, do. It's SO FUCKING CLEVER!) walks up to Andrew and asks him what's wrong with his phone. Andrew is forced by the author into some truly terrible dialog about not knowing who to call. Poor Andrew. He's a terrible fucking plot device and he doesn't even know it! Nosy Busybody's witty reply to this is too good not to quote (formatting is the same as the original):
.......This was the point I realised I was gonna need another glass of wine.
Andrew replies (alas, he's a terrible plot device and doesn't know the trap he is about to walk into) that he knows what he wants. He wants a fucking date. So, he's a normal teenager, and Nosy Busybody has to go fucking ruin everything because he's so fucking wise y'all. Andrew tells Nosy Busybody that his date from last week was an evil whore who tried to push him into Teh Ebil Secks. Oh Andrew, I had so much hope for you to be a somewhat unobjectionable boring plot device. Please don't piss me off so badly that I need to come up with a clever name for you after two glasses of wine. Please.
Oh Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper). We've barely started, and already we've had shitty shit mcshitterson dialog, and we are pulling out the trusty Madonna / Whore trope. So original. Much creative. Wow.
Boring Plot Device (sue me, it's been two glasses. If you have a better name for poor Andrew, I'm all ears) launches a boring speech about how sex is evil, bad, and wrong. I mostly just rolled my eyes, but this, this gem of HORSESHIT is too hilarious not to laugh at:
You know what? I blew that so creative line too bloody early. Fuck. I seriously hope that that Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) didn't think this exchange is witty. By the way, the footnote goes to a lengthy appendix where Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) has to tell us that this is a Bible joke. Dude, if someone is reading this bloody pile of excrement, they probably know a thing or two about the Bible. Just sayin'.
There's some boring conversation about whether Boring Plot Device wants to do the right thing or the fun thing. Obviously, sex outside of marriage is evil, bad and wrong, and running away from That Evil Whore was the right thing to do, and we know that because Nosy Busybody says the Bible says so. Boring Plot Device comes to the realisation that The Right Thing to Do was to ask out A Nice Christian Girl, and walks away. Well, who could blame him? I'd walk away from Nosy Busybody too. Probably as soon as he opened his mouth, but I'm an Evil Whore who had Teh Ebil Secks before marriage, so I'm clearly not the target audience here.
Nosy Busybody tries to tell poor Boring Plot Device that he doesn't have it quite right, but thankfully for Boring Plot Device, he got away before hearing more tiresome bullshit from Nosy Busybody. Lucky him. I wish I was so lucky.
RUN BORING PLOT DEVICE RUN! YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO GET AWAY! Alas, I do not. I feel like this might have been a bad idea. I am going to run out of wine on this project, I can tell.
Because I apparently hate myself, and am a glutton for punishment, I downloaded Captain Let Them Marry's book. Prepare for rants, probably fueled by altogether too much wine.
Now, if you have hung out with me at all, you probably know I'm an unashamed lover of fanfiction. That said, I am pretty damn good at NOPEing the hell out if a fic sucks. I opened the PDF, and immediately wanted to NOPE.
THIS FUCKER IS A DIALOG ONLY FANFIC! SEND HELP AND WINE.
Here's a selection of this beautiful dialog from page one:
Feline Headship #1: hi mom, I'd like you to kiss my head and tell me how pretty I am and pet me please.
Me: but I'm in the middle of cleaning right now, can I do these things later?
Feline Headship: no, now please.
Me: Nope. I'll pet you in a while.
Feline Headship: *knocks over the things I was trying to clean* YOU WERE GONE FOR TWO FUCKING WEEKS NOW PET ME AND TELL ME I AM PRETTY HUMAN SLAVE.
Me: so, you are a pretty kitty who deserves pettings and being told how pretty you are. Let me kiss your head.
I have only been awake a short while (yay I actually slept last night) but I woke up with Feline Headship #1 on my head and Feline Headship #2 on my back. All attempts to get them to move have failed. Send help!
This is what it feels like right now.
(Image is courtesy of starbucks.com)
So, apparently Starbuck's redcups this year are a part of the "War on Christmas". This year, the cups are just red with the Starbuck's logo. In the past, they have had Christmas ornaments, or stars, or some sort of decoration on them. This led to calls for a boycott of Starbuck's, and a particularly hilarious blog post from Breitbart.com that went on about how Starbuck's is "whitewashing" Christmas.
And here I just thought it was a semi-uninspired design for the cup that will hold my beloved caramel brulee latte this year. Little did I know that I would be participating in the war against my favourite holiday.
Edit: this bit of hilarity was just pointed out in one of our threads by @PartriarchydefyinValkarie: http://www.freejinger.org/topic/24670-the-war-on-christmas-has-begun/. Apparently Starbuck's is no longer allowed to say "Merry Christmas" (though I have been wished Merry Christmas by the people at my local store), so the trick is to tell them your name is Merry Christmas to force them to have their cups say that.
God, I love War on Christmas season.
I'm so excited for you guys to see what we have been working on for so long. I hope you all love it!
Thanks so much to @HerNameIsBuffy, who wrote nearly all the fancy documentation and how to materials for this new site. She is a rockstar, and her help made things so much easier.
Welcome to your new home FJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The thumb area on my left wrist, that I had a scapholunate ligament debridement on back in February, is not happy. I'm going to rest it for a few days and if that doesn't help I'll be contacting my orthopaedic surgeon.
Damn!!!! I DO NOT fancy another 6+ weeks in plaster.