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Destiny31's Corner

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What Are You Doing? Chapter 2: What should I be doing on a date?

Because I am starting the read of this shitfest at noon my time, I am doing this sober. Therefore, you can expect even more fucks than last time, because wow. Just fucking wow.

We open at the park again. For some reason, Boring Plot Device decided to go back there. Personally, if I had Nosy Busybody show up and start bothering me in this park, I would never ever go back there again. Granted, I am an antisocial asshole to start with, but if some creeper showed up and started bothering me about my phone and quoting Bible verses at me, I'd put that park on this list:

Spoiler

IMG_0014.jpg

Anyway, let's get this show on the road. Boring Plot Device is apparently bothered by something, because he's picking at his food. This dialog only format is hurting my fucking brain. I'm a fan of good dialog, but there's a time and place for exposition too. Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) needs to go to a creative writing class immediately, if not sooner. Nosy Busybody can't miss this chance to be a fucking ruiner of fun, so he wanders over to bother poor Boring Plot Device.

Nosy Busybody asks how Boring Plot Device's date went on Friday. Boring Plot Device tells him it went ok, but he isn't sure that he is doing this whole dating thing properly. He needs to know WHY he was dating, and how he is supposed to glorify God while doing it. Um, dude, if you went out and had fun with a person that you are interested in, you did it right. I hate this fucking book.

Apparently, on this purposeless date, Boring Plot Device took Teh Ebil Whore (I think, the text isn't clear, but I'm pretty sure that's who it was from context. If it isn't Teh Ebil Whore, it's certainly AN ebil whore!) to see Titanic. Oh.....dear. I feel like a rant about teh ebil bewbs is coming. Fuck me, why did I start this before a socially acceptable boozing hour? SOMEONE send me a mimosa. I can drink those before 5PM, right? Alas, I turned out to be right. Boring Plot Device has seen the film a few times, and thought it was ok, especially since it was PG (EXCEPT IT FUCKING ISN'T! DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH MR. OHLMAN (who is a creeper)! IT'S NOT THAT GOD DAMNED HARD). HOWEVER, after the lecture about glorifying God from Nosy Busybody, Boring Plot Device is now disturbed by "certain scenes". Jeez Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper), if you are going to write a terrible book that's about sex and marriage, you may want to be able to actually SAY the words sex and breasts. FUCK!

His date, who is clearly a whore, wasn't bothered by the "certain scenes". Oh dear. Clearly Teh Ebil Whore needs Nosy Busybody to sit her down and teach her how not to be a whore. This bit kind of comes out of nowhere, and doesn't appear to connect to anything else in the chapter, so I'm just gonna chalk it up to Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) being a sexist asshole and move the fuck on.

Nosy Busybody asks what Boring Plot Device's what the Bible says about dating. Boring Plot Device rightly points out that the Bible doesn't really say much on the topic, probably because at the time, fathers sold their daughters for a few goats, and since women are FUCKING PEOPLE, we don't do that shit anymore. Clearly we need to go back to selling our daughters, because that's what a book written thousands of years ago says. SEND HELP AND WINE! Thankfully, we aren't going to go too far down the arranged marriage path right now, which is good because there's no way I could do that chapter sober, society's rules be damned.

Today, we are just trying to determine what the purpose for dating is. Boring Plot Device, who is clearly A Good Christian, doesn't want to date just to date. He wants to date to get married. Nosy Busybody asks why he wants to get married. Boring Plot Device lists the reasons that pretty much anyone gets into a serious relationship: companionship, kids, and *wink, wink* sex. Boring Plot Device couldn't even SAY sex, so clearly he isn't quite ready to be having it. The text is pretty unclear as to Boring Plot Device's age, but maturity wise, he's coming across as pretty damned young. I hope Boring Plot Device is at least of legal age. Nosy Busybody, to his credit, sorta calls him on that, with this:

Quote

Sakal: One wonders what this world is coming to that a young man is embarrassed to admit he wants to get married because he wants to sleep with his wife. Everyone knows it, but no one is willing to say it. So companionship, children, rejoicing in each other physically ... is that it?

There's a bit of back and forth about how marriage glorifies god, and Boring Plot Device can glorify God by having sex with his wife, and I'm trying so hard to care but there's just one more page in this fucking chapter. The more terrifying bit to me is Boring Plot Device saying he HAS to get married because he can't ignore girls, and the implication is that he should get married because he can't control himself. Yuck. This kid is so clearly still a child, with all the blushing and not being able to talk about sex, and the text is pushing for him to marry. NOTHING can go wrong with this plan.

Somehow, this conversation leads Boring Plot Device to realise that he's going about this whole dating thing wrong. If he is going to date with the plan to marry, then he needs to ask out The Good Girl:

Quote

Andrew: Yes! If I am supposed to be dating in order to get married, then I should be dating a girl I would be actually willing to marry, not just any Christian girl. And, of all the girls in my ‘black book’, the only one I can really see myself marrying is my friend Maydyn, Maydyn Terrefille. What an idiot I’ve been! [He picks up his phone and starts dialing as he walks off...]

OK, so. 1) Gotta love the name. I might have named a character Maydyn if I were actually a decent writer and wanted to write something like this ironically. Unfortunately, I don't think that Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) meant this ironically. I'm not sure he even knows what that word means. 2) Boring Plot Device said he was dating with the intent of marriage earlier in this chapter. HOW IS THIS A NEW REALISATION???

Nosy Busybody tries to point out that asking her out is still The Wrong Thing to Do, but Boring Plot Device is already on the phone to ask out The Good Girl. Excellent. I'm glad the discussion of how Boring Plot Device needs to buy The Good Girl from her dad is going to be another day.

Thank the gods, this closes out the chapter. Somehow, I managed to write this sober. I think I should have a glass of wine to celebrate!

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Fascinated

Posted

@Destiny, have you started on your wine bottle yet?  It's 5:34 where I am :wine::happy:.  Because I'm afraid I NEED you to not be so sober this evening.  You really ought not leave us hanging like this.  I'm ready for Part 3 now.  Seriously, right now.  I realize you may have a life to live on a Sunday evening but, let's be honest, you are the one who started this. 'You volunteered, didn't you?'

Ok, then.  Let's go. 

 

(Your writing clearly puts the author (who is a creeper) to shame.)

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Destiny

Posted

@Fascinated, mister destiny is taking the mother of his kitties for sushi, so we shall see.

The next chapter has the confrontation / breakup with Teh Ebil Whore (who is also kinda racist). There's no chance of sobriety during that clusterfuck. 

Oh, and she makes a gay joke too. OF COURSE Teh Ebil Whore has to be unlikeable. 

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Fascinated

Posted

1 minute ago, Destiny said:

@Fascinated, mister destiny is taking the mother of his kitties for sushi, so we shall see.

The next chapter has the confrontation / breakup with Teh Ebil Whore (who is also kinda racist). There's no chance of sobriety during that clusterfuck. 

Does the sushi place have Internet?  And wine?  

 

(Have a lovely dinner and I will try to be patient.  But, my god, I really need to know what transpires.  Cheap Plot Device with Teh Ebil Racist Whore though.  As if being Na Ebil Whore isn't bad enough.  I'm so worried about the pieces of Boring Plot Device's heart.)

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OnceUponATime

Posted

Quote

1) Gotta love the name. I might have named a character Maydyn if I were actually a decent writer and wanted to write something like this ironically. Unfortunately, I don't think that Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) meant this ironically. I'm not sure he even knows what that word means

of course he does. it's in the footnotes.  Her name means 'Young girl Girl of the earth' ;)

ebil whore's name means 'Jezebel Of the world'.

One really couldn't get more creative with the naming if they tried...

Also this chapter sucked. I have no 'favorite' quote because it's a dismal crappy fucky chapter!
 

Also - why does FJ not have its own winery/microbrewery? There sure are enough times when it would be useful

10 minutes ago, Fascinated said:

 I'm so worried about the pieces of Boring Plot Device's heart.

nooooo don't go there yet :deadhorse:
 

 

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Destiny

Posted

Oh really?? I stand corrected. I did not look up The Good Girl's name, and clearly I should have. My bad. I withdraw my comment about him not understanding irony. I thought it was just an attempt to be trendy. I really should follow the footnotes better but they are so badly written it's just too annoying to do so.

He's still a fucking asshole, and yes this chapter is just awful. The next one looks worse though. 

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EyeQueue

Posted

A mimosa is a standard, socially-acceptable breakfast drink, so you're safe to drink them until 5:00 p.m., at which case you can start hitting the hard sauce to help you get through this shite. :dance:

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EyeQueue

Posted

And...OMFG. These names. Maiden EarthGirl? Or DaughteroftheEarth? WTF?

So, he may not understand irony, but he sure as shit doesn't understand subtlety. Is he going for a straight-up medieval style allegory? :roll:

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Destiny

Posted

10 minutes ago, EyeQueue said:

And...OMFG. These names. Maiden EarthGirl? Or DaughteroftheEarth? WTF?

So, he may not understand irony, but he sure as shit doesn't understand subtlety. Is he going for a straight-up medieval style allegory? :roll:

I was thinking about this actually. I wonder if he was going for Pilgrim's Progress here? If he was? He missed. 

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EyeQueue

Posted

Just now, Destiny said:

I was thinking about this actually. I wonder if he was going for Pilgrim's Progress here? If he was? He missed. 

Pilgrim's Progress or Everyman. Something like that. But, yeah: Fail! :):)

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CTRLZero

Posted

Love this -- and a cliffhanger to boot!

And, of all the girls in my ‘black book’, the only one I can really see myself marrying is my friend Maydyn, Maydyn Terrefille. What an idiot I’ve been! [He picks up his phone and starts dialing as he walks off...]

But, but...how will Nosy Busybody assess her breasts to see if they are rejoice-worthy?  The suspense is killing me.

When you sober up recover, I'll be looking forward to the next installment.  You are a most excellent reviewer.

 

 

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CyborgKin

Posted

How can any of that be actual words written by a human for other humans to read?  Wow.  Stay strong, Destiny.

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Destiny

Posted

Chapter 3 also has the pieces of heart convo. This one ABSOLUTELY requires booze. Poor Ebil Whore, she will have no heart left.

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December

Posted

4 hours ago, Destiny said:

I was thinking about this actually. I wonder if he was going for Pilgrim's Progress here? If he was? He missed. 

Given the use of names like Maydyn, probably :pb_lol:

Thank you for this great public service!

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THERetroGamerNY

Posted

Odds are not good for Destiny coming out of this mentally unscarred.

 

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Destiny

Posted

I'm working on Chapter 3. There's not a lot ot snark on. It's just so damned sad. I want to give poor Ebil Whore a fucking hug.

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uber frau

Posted

I'm so glad lunchtime drinking (after 11) is socially acceptable where I live.  I needed a glass of something just to get through the review(and that has absolutely zip to do with the quality of your writing.)

In case you're ever stuck reviewing at lunchtime again: FJ is a global community. It's always after 5 somewhere.

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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

Quote

since women are FUCKING PEOPLE,

If they could just accept this fact they wouldn't have to dedicate their lives to making everyone as miserable as they are.

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  • Posts

    • Ozlsn

      Posted

      4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

      Gary's not gonna meet God for somebody else, he's going to meet God for himself. "Ah'm gonna meet God the way ah preached, ah'm gonna meet God  the way ah soul-winned, ah'm gonna meet God the way ah the way ah sang,  ah'm gonna meet God the way ah treated mah family, amen?"

      Boy is he screwed.

      4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

      Most of the time, he reminds us, your enemy will be someone in church

      So.. if you avoid church your enemies won't find you? Also not sure what that says about Bro Gary.

      4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

      Gary doesn't like smiling. When they were in New Mexico, someone there who was a professional PHOtoegrapher ("whatever that word is" Becky: "phoTOGrapher") took their picture. Gary hates having pictures taken (apparently, that's very different from video). He says he didn't smile in any of

      Well that explains the scowl in his daughter's wedding photos.

      4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

      He tells the story of the man who was called to be a preacher because of Gary's Facebook video, and needs Becky and Jacob to help him remember when it all happened.

      I'm seriously starting to wonder if he has a neurodegenerative condition and Becky is hanging in there for the inheritance.

    • Katzchen24

      Posted

      That's a really interesting article. I hadn't really thought about it, but the majority of the fundies we snark on really do only rant on a limited number of themes. Mostly it's abortion, female purity, anti-LGBTQI and  general KJV-ness. 

      "The Bible’s exhortations to compassion for immigrants and the poor stretch long enough to comprise a sizeable book of their own, but no matter. White evangelicals will not let their political ambitions be constrained by something as pliable as scripture."

      Maybe FJ selects to snark on only a particular type of fundie, but I have NEVER heard one obsess about the poor or immigrants even one iota as much as they do about modesty or abortion. 

      As far as I'm concerned, the fundie obsession with female purity is a power and control grab dressed up as godliness. I've never understood why men have so much power over the female reproductive system and how so much prestige has been granted to male inheritance. It makes so much more sense for inheritance to be matrilineal if you want to be really sure of parentage. 

      • I Agree 2
    • SolomonFundy

      Posted

      You may be thinking of the Goodwins. Atlanta and Jordan live on a homestead (adjacent to his family) in middle Tennessee. A few years ago, they acquired a second, larger wood stove to use in their home, and moved the smaller wood stove to an exterior porch for Summertime cooking. This accomplished the tandem goal of allowing heat to remain outdoors in the Summer, and indoors in the Winter as the larger stove is capable of heating the entire house in colder months. The smaller stove is eventually supposed to be moved to an unfinished area of the homestead that is intended as a Summer kitchen. Atlanta and Jordan now have 6 children, and she generally spaces about 18 months apart. So your memory of a baby + pregnancy is entirely possible. (The last two children were twins.)

      I'm not sure what you consider "well connected" to entail, but Atlanta and Jordan have quite a few social ties to fundy families. They also infamously had a Civil War themed wedding, complete with Confederate flags, antebellum dresses, and southern army uniforms for the men. She's remotely descended from Nathaniel Bedford Forrest (Confederate army general), and the wedding was held at his childhood home site. Forrest is credited with founding the KKK. Not exactly the family connection that most people would think to celebrate on their wedding day, but I guess Atlanta and Jordan felt that it was a appropriate for themselves. 😑

      • Love 1
    • marmalade

      Posted

      On 8/3/2020 at 12:16 PM, HereticHick said:

      Where did he say that he knows zero Spanish? And I wonder what language he studied at Syracuse, which I believe has a language requirement.

      He did grad school at Syracuse. Not sure if his undergrad had a foreign language requirement. I think it was a small liberal arts college, so I imagine it did. However, he could have fulfilled it in high school when he went to public school to boost his soccer. 

    • SolomonFundy

      Posted

      3 hours ago, calliopecassandra said:

      I'd say getting pregnant again 5 months after a stillborn is pretty soon. I know after a miscarriage, you're "supposed" to wait 6 months. Oh and they had to wait 6 weeks to have sex again. Are they people who say so many days after a girl birth and less after a boy, do we know?

      Susannah wasn't stillborn. She lived for several days after birth on life support. Melanie and Nathan seem to have a pattern of trying very soon after a loss. Susannah's death was incredibly traumatic for the whole family, and I personally don't think that they were any more irresponsible than any other couple who has 2 babies in 14 months. But then, about a year after Abby was born, they had a miscarriage. 10 months later, Betsy was born. So, over the course of 3.5 years, they had four pregnancies, including three full term births, the loss of Susannah soon after birth, and a miscarriage. 

      • Upvote 3
      • Thank You 2


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