Because I am starting the read of this shitfest at noon my time, I am doing this sober. Therefore, you can expect even more fucks than last time, because wow. Just fucking wow.
We open at the park again. For some reason, Boring Plot Device decided to go back there. Personally, if I had Nosy Busybody show up and start bothering me in this park, I would never ever go back there again. Granted, I am an antisocial asshole to start with, but if some creeper showed up and started bothering me about my phone and quoting Bible verses at me, I'd put that park on this list:
Anyway, let's get this show on the road. Boring Plot Device is apparently bothered by something, because he's picking at his food. This dialog only format is hurting my fucking brain. I'm a fan of good dialog, but there's a time and place for exposition too. Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) needs to go to a creative writing class immediately, if not sooner. Nosy Busybody can't miss this chance to be a fucking ruiner of fun, so he wanders over to bother poor Boring Plot Device.
Nosy Busybody asks how Boring Plot Device's date went on Friday. Boring Plot Device tells him it went ok, but he isn't sure that he is doing this whole dating thing properly. He needs to know WHY he was dating, and how he is supposed to glorify God while doing it. Um, dude, if you went out and had fun with a person that you are interested in, you did it right. I hate this fucking book.
Apparently, on this purposeless date, Boring Plot Device took Teh Ebil Whore (I think, the text isn't clear, but I'm pretty sure that's who it was from context. If it isn't Teh Ebil Whore, it's certainly AN ebil whore!) to see Titanic. Oh.....dear. I feel like a rant about teh ebil bewbs is coming. Fuck me, why did I start this before a socially acceptable boozing hour? SOMEONE send me a mimosa. I can drink those before 5PM, right? Alas, I turned out to be right. Boring Plot Device has seen the film a few times, and thought it was ok, especially since it was PG (EXCEPT IT FUCKING ISN'T! DO YOUR FUCKING RESEARCH MR. OHLMAN (who is a creeper)! IT'S NOT THAT GOD DAMNED HARD). HOWEVER, after the lecture about glorifying God from Nosy Busybody, Boring Plot Device is now disturbed by "certain scenes". Jeez Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper), if you are going to write a terrible book that's about sex and marriage, you may want to be able to actually SAY the words sex and breasts. FUCK!
His date, who is clearly a whore, wasn't bothered by the "certain scenes". Oh dear. Clearly Teh Ebil Whore needs Nosy Busybody to sit her down and teach her how not to be a whore. This bit kind of comes out of nowhere, and doesn't appear to connect to anything else in the chapter, so I'm just gonna chalk it up to Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) being a sexist asshole and move the fuck on.
Nosy Busybody asks what Boring Plot Device's what the Bible says about dating. Boring Plot Device rightly points out that the Bible doesn't really say much on the topic, probably because at the time, fathers sold their daughters for a few goats, and since women are FUCKING PEOPLE, we don't do that shit anymore. Clearly we need to go back to selling our daughters, because that's what a book written thousands of years ago says. SEND HELP AND WINE! Thankfully, we aren't going to go too far down the arranged marriage path right now, which is good because there's no way I could do that chapter sober, society's rules be damned.
Today, we are just trying to determine what the purpose for dating is. Boring Plot Device, who is clearly A Good Christian, doesn't want to date just to date. He wants to date to get married. Nosy Busybody asks why he wants to get married. Boring Plot Device lists the reasons that pretty much anyone gets into a serious relationship: companionship, kids, and *wink, wink* sex. Boring Plot Device couldn't even SAY sex, so clearly he isn't quite ready to be having it. The text is pretty unclear as to Boring Plot Device's age, but maturity wise, he's coming across as pretty damned young. I hope Boring Plot Device is at least of legal age. Nosy Busybody, to his credit, sorta calls him on that, with this:
Sakal: One wonders what this world is coming to that a young man is embarrassed to admit he wants to get married because he wants to sleep with his wife. Everyone knows it, but no one is willing to say it. So companionship, children, rejoicing in each other physically ... is that it?
There's a bit of back and forth about how marriage glorifies god, and Boring Plot Device can glorify God by having sex with his wife, and I'm trying so hard to care but there's just one more page in this fucking chapter. The more terrifying bit to me is Boring Plot Device saying he HAS to get married because he can't ignore girls, and the implication is that he should get married because he can't control himself. Yuck. This kid is so clearly still a child, with all the blushing and not being able to talk about sex, and the text is pushing for him to marry. NOTHING can go wrong with this plan.
Somehow, this conversation leads Boring Plot Device to realise that he's going about this whole dating thing wrong. If he is going to date with the plan to marry, then he needs to ask out The Good Girl:
Andrew: Yes! If I am supposed to be dating in order to get married, then I should be dating a girl I would be actually willing to marry, not just any Christian girl. And, of all the girls in my ‘black book’, the only one I can really see myself marrying is my friend Maydyn, Maydyn Terrefille. What an idiot I’ve been! [He picks up his phone and starts dialing as he walks off...]
OK, so. 1) Gotta love the name. I might have named a character Maydyn if I were actually a decent writer and wanted to write something like this ironically. Unfortunately, I don't think that Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) meant this ironically. I'm not sure he even knows what that word means. 2) Boring Plot Device said he was dating with the intent of marriage earlier in this chapter. HOW IS THIS A NEW REALISATION???
Nosy Busybody tries to point out that asking her out is still The Wrong Thing to Do, but Boring Plot Device is already on the phone to ask out The Good Girl. Excellent. I'm glad the discussion of how Boring Plot Device needs to buy The Good Girl from her dad is going to be another day.
Thank the gods, this closes out the chapter. Somehow, I managed to write this sober. I think I should have a glass of wine to celebrate!