Disclaimer: I have had a super shitty day, and I'm having none of Nosy Busybody's HORSESHIT today.
Wine: Full bottle. Plan your grammar expectations accordingly.
Glass number one commencing. OK, let's do this! Today, we don't have an illustration. Alas. Also, no new characters are introduced today, but Ebil Whore is mentioned, so I'm going to take the liberty of reminding you again what she looks like:
We are back in the park. Is there NO other place to hang out in this town than a fucking park? I mean, one of the illustrations had a high rise. WHY YOU GUYS NO GO TO STARBUCKS OR SOMETHING? Wait, I just thought that one through. They can't go to Starbucks. Starbucks supports teh ebil gheys and allows teh wimmins to work there. Silly me. Anyway, for some reason, Asshole Plot Device PLANNED to meet Nosy Busybody there. Oh Asshole, you could have been great, but you had to go and ruin it.
Sakal: I’m glad you are eager to talk. I often feel I am just shouting out to a city, and everyone is passing me by.xxxiv
(I added a link in the footnote for your convenience. Please feel free to click and then roll your eyes so far you might hurt them.) Ok Nosy Busybody, we fucking get it. You are super wise, and clever, and it's sad that no one is listening to you. Also, I know why, but there's a small part of me that is giggling that Wisdom is a she in this verse. It's almost like women can be wise too!
Anyway, because Asshole Plot Device is just that - a plot device, OF COURSE he wants to talk about dating. I hate this book. So fucking much. Bright side, this chapter is only three pages, so let's soldier on, yes? Asshole Plot Device wants to talk about how Good Girl's explanation of courtship doesn't seem to leave any room for fun, but his interpretation of the Bible is that God likes fun. I will give Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) this: so many of the fundies we follow lead lives that are depressing and joyless, and the way I read my Bible was that that's not what God wants for us. Of course, because he's FUCKING AWFUL, he has to do it in the grossest way imaginable.
Sakal: Certainly... although it might be better to say ‘fun’ was a ‘joyful’ word, but I certainly see what you mean. We don’t worship a frowning, somber God, but a God who rejoices with us. You recall our conversations about marriage. God once said, about a wife... “How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights! This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak”.xxxvii
Of course, fucking Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) has to make it about breasts. God, I can't even with this guy. I'm honestly a bit nauseated right now. Send more wine please! Also, how did we go from fun to sex? Like, how did we go from point a to point b? Shouldn't there have been a segue?
Asshole Plot Device is getting all turned on from this conversation. Seriously, that's actually in the text. He says he enjoyed the verse too much. Now, I'm the first to say yes, Song of Solomon is sexy as hell. There are times and places, and in a park with Nosy Busybody is NOT the time I would be getting all hot and bothered by the Bible. It's just weird and awkward and gross.
Anyway, Nosy Busybody is all well, since you totally have an awkward boner right now, let's find you a wife so you can fuck. It really is as gross as it sounds.
Asshole Plot Device says he can't find a wife, because he still doesn't understand dating and god this is miserable. He spews some slut shaming sort of crap about Ebil Whore, who is not only clearly a slut because she wanted to have sex with him, but also she goes to COLLEGE. And stays in a DORM. The misogyny is real y'all. RUN EBIL WHORE RUN! Nosy Busybody demonstrates absolutely no boundaries, and basically rubs Asshole Plot Device's nose in the fact that he can have sex any time he wants.
Thank the powers, because Good Girl just showed up to save us from this conversation. Maybe I should send her HELP and WINE. She came by to apologise and tell us that she talked to daddy and daddy explained courtship to her better. Uh, how exactly has she made a conscious decision to court if she didn't fully understand it? These families are always on about how the kid made their own decisions, and the parents totally aren't influencing them. Granted, this is skewed because Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) is trying to prove his point that courtship isn't biblical, but I feel like I have seen this in reality too.
Anyway, Salesman Headship told Good Girl that courtship isn't in the Bible per se, but they feel like Biblical principles like no fornication apply. Uh, I dated Mister Destiny for well over a year before we had sex. And we dated. It's almost like we were adults who were capable of making our own decisions about sexual intimacy. This movement definitely infantilises its members.
Maydyn: I’m saying that it uses Godly principles that we find in Scripture, where they aren’t talking specifically about courtship, and applies them to courtship. So, for example, God teaches against fornication.xli Everyone who dates fornicates...
Andrew: [Interrupting] Hey!
Maydyn: [Embarrassed] Well, maybe not everyone, not... all the way. But there is a lot of physical involvement, and that is basically fornication, isn’t it? Should you be kissing someone who will be someone else’s wife? Do you want a wife someone else has been kissing? [Andrew, after a moment’s thought, shakes his head.]
Um, not everyone who dates fornicates. I know people who decided not to have sex before marriage. Fuck you Good Girl. And fuck your slut shaming too. How the hell does having kissed someone make you a woman that someone wouldn't want to marry? EW EW EW EW EW.
Anyway, somehow this leads Asshole Plot Device to ask Good Girl for Salesman Headship's work number, so he can call and ask for permission to court Good Girl. Nosy Busybody still has questions, but fuck him cos this chapter is OVER.