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Destiny31's Corner

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What Are You Doing? Chapter 5: A Return to Courting.

Disclaimer: I have had a super shitty day, and I'm having none of Nosy Busybody's HORSESHIT today.

Wine: Full bottle. Plan your grammar expectations accordingly.

Glass number one commencing. OK, let's do this! Today, we don't have an illustration. Alas. Also, no new characters are introduced today, but Ebil Whore is mentioned, so I'm going to take the liberty of reminding you again what she looks like:

Spoiler

Jessie1.png.e506b2d71d7b5c596425cd55cf11b550.png

We are back in the park. Is there NO other place to hang out in this town than a fucking park? I mean, one of the illustrations had a high rise. WHY YOU GUYS NO GO TO STARBUCKS OR SOMETHING? Wait, I just thought that one through. They can't go to Starbucks. Starbucks supports teh ebil gheys and allows teh wimmins to work there. Silly me. Anyway, for some reason, Asshole Plot Device PLANNED to meet Nosy Busybody there. Oh Asshole, you could have been great, but you had to go and ruin it.

Quote

Sakal: I’m glad you are eager to talk. I often feel I am just shouting out to a city, and everyone is passing me by.xxxiv

(I added a link in the footnote for your convenience. Please feel free to click and then roll your eyes so far you might hurt them.) Ok Nosy Busybody, we fucking get it. You are super wise, and clever, and it's sad that no one is listening to you. Also, I know why, but there's a small part of me that is giggling that Wisdom is a she in this verse. It's almost like women can be wise too!

Anyway, because Asshole Plot Device is just that - a plot device, OF COURSE he wants to talk about dating. I hate this book. So fucking much. Bright side, this chapter is only three pages, so let's soldier on, yes? Asshole Plot Device wants to talk about how Good Girl's explanation of courtship doesn't seem to leave any room for fun, but his interpretation of the Bible is that God likes fun. I will give Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) this: so many of the fundies we follow lead lives that are depressing and joyless, and the way I read my Bible was that that's not what God wants  for us. Of course, because he's FUCKING AWFUL, he has to do it in the grossest way imaginable. 

Quote

Sakal: Certainly... although it might be better to say ‘fun’ was a ‘joyful’ word, but I certainly see what you mean. We don’t worship a frowning, somber God, but a God who rejoices with us. You recall our conversations about marriage. God once said, about a wife... “How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights! This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will go up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine, and the smell of thy nose like apples; And the roof of thy mouth like the best wine for my beloved, that goeth down sweetly, causing the lips of those that are asleep to speak”.xxxvii

Of course, fucking Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) has to make it about breasts. God, I can't even with this guy. I'm honestly a bit nauseated right now. Send more wine please! Also, how did we go from fun to sex? Like, how did we go from point a to point b? Shouldn't there have been a segue?

Asshole Plot Device is getting all turned on from this conversation. Seriously, that's actually in the text. He says he enjoyed the verse too much. Now, I'm the first to say yes, Song of Solomon is sexy as hell. There are times and places, and in a park with Nosy Busybody is NOT the time I would be getting all hot and bothered by the Bible. It's just weird and awkward and gross.

Anyway, Nosy Busybody is all well, since you totally have an awkward boner right now, let's find you a wife so you can fuck. It really is as gross as it sounds.

Asshole Plot Device says he can't find a wife, because he still doesn't understand dating and god this is miserable. He spews some slut shaming sort of crap about Ebil Whore, who is not only clearly a slut because she wanted to have sex with him, but also she goes to COLLEGE. And stays in a DORM. The misogyny is real y'all. RUN EBIL WHORE RUN! Nosy Busybody demonstrates absolutely no boundaries, and basically rubs Asshole Plot Device's nose in the fact that he can have sex any time he wants.

Thank the powers, because Good Girl just showed up to save us from this conversation. Maybe I should send her HELP and WINE. She came by to apologise and tell us that she talked to daddy and daddy explained courtship to her better. Uh, how exactly has she made a conscious decision to court if she didn't fully understand it? These families are always on about how the kid made their own decisions, and the parents totally aren't influencing them. Granted, this is skewed because Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) is trying to prove his point that courtship isn't biblical, but I feel like I have seen this in reality too.

Anyway, Salesman Headship told Good Girl that courtship isn't in the Bible per se, but they feel like Biblical principles like no fornication apply. Uh, I dated Mister Destiny for well over a year before we had sex. And we dated. It's almost like we were adults who were capable of making our own decisions about sexual intimacy. This movement definitely infantilises its members.

Quote

Maydyn: I’m saying that it uses Godly principles that we find in Scripture, where they aren’t talking specifically about courtship, and applies them to courtship. So, for example, God teaches against fornication.xli Everyone who dates fornicates...

Andrew: [Interrupting] Hey!

Maydyn: [Embarrassed] Well, maybe not everyone, not... all the way. But there is a lot of physical involvement, and that is basically fornication, isn’t it? Should you be kissing someone who will be someone else’s wife? Do you want a wife someone else has been kissing? [Andrew, after a moment’s thought, shakes his head.]

Um, not everyone who dates fornicates. I know people who decided not to have sex before marriage. Fuck you Good Girl. And fuck your slut shaming too. How the hell does having kissed someone make you a woman that someone wouldn't want to marry? EW EW EW EW EW.

Anyway, somehow this leads Asshole Plot Device to ask Good Girl for Salesman Headship's work number, so he can call and ask for permission to court Good Girl. Nosy Busybody still has questions, but fuck him cos this chapter is OVER.

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EyeQueue

Posted

So kissing = fornication. :pb_rollseyes: These people are whack jobs. *I* need wine just reading the recap of this tripe.

I suggest if this is the case then Josh Duggar's hawt hand secks damn sure qualifies as fornication, because that was some scandalous public shit right there.

 

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Fascinated

Posted

I'm up very early this morning, and reading about Asshole Plot Device's biblically induced boner is the perfect way to start my day.  

Everyone knows that all women fornicate with everyone they date.  That's what dating is, for god's sake.  It has nothing to do with getting to know someone to, you know, see if you like each other. Nope. Just fornicating.  

(I'm extremely concerned about what ads I will be receiving after this.)

Awesome recap, @Destiny.  You are a soldier for FJ!  I, for one, appreciate your service.

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OnceUponATime

Posted

wow. Reading chapter 6 wiped all memory of the 'porn' reading of SoS. :5624795d77a75_32(33):

My 'fav' part was

Quote

Andrew: Because I don’t have a wife!
Sakal: Well, get one.

Why hello there captain obvious!  ok, and I really cheered Plotguy on for half a heartbeat when I saw this: "Andrew: [Interrupting]". My hope didn't live long.

The following part made me think of :output_eeMbjt:

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Sakal: So, do you think my wife and I ought never to be alone, in her bedroom, behind a locked door?

Seriously :562479351e8d1_wtf(2): I feel so damn prudish reading this! TMI- I want to try and keep my mind not straying to thinking of what sexual shit others are getting up to. seriously! no one needs to know if you're getting it on. People can tell Mr Nosy Busybody without you mentioning it because you have enough kids!

 

"Do you want a wife [or husband] someone else has been kissing?" <- was a major argument used in my prior church when I was a teenager as to why you should not date-around. They went as far to say if they've never kissed another person they 1) can't know if you're a bad kisser because they have no comparison and 2) won't be comparing you to all the previous people they have kissed/gone further with.
Because you know, every time I have ever kissed someone I'm thinking 'damn, who was better, person x or this guy?' </sarcasm> :pb_rollseyes:
It's also really not f'n fun trying to deal with that brainwashed paranoia that such teachings impose on people with low self-esteem.

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CyborgKin

Posted

Thankyou Destiny for continuing to subject yourself to this.  I think I actually almost followed what stupid point the author was badly attempting to make this time.

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laPapessaGiovanna

Posted (edited)

You're very brave women  @Destiny and @OnceUponATime! I don't really know how you made through Chapter 4 without wine, it was an impressive feat for which you have all my admiration! Reading VOIAPP's drivel would send my brain cells into a short circuit and I don't have that many to spare.

ETA @Destiny you could add "VOIAPP" and "Vaughn Ohlman Is A Creeper" to the tags.

Edited by laPapessaGiovanna

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CTRLZero

Posted

So I looked up the definition of fornication, and it is apparently not just kissing.  Silly Mayden and her headship!

[because Good Girl just showed up to save us from this conversation]

Is Good Girl Mayden allowed to roam freely over this literary landscape, or does her parental unit lurk nearby? 

And seriously, Vaughn Ohlman and the breasts...

:grapes:

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Destiny

Posted

@OnceUponATime, I kinda expected Nosy Busybody to just say hey, go buy yourself a wife there. So fucking gross. 

Ths extreme emphasis on never being touched is disturbing. We've more than covered the harm that purity culture can cause so I will skip the rant. 

@laPapessaGiovanna, I keep meaning to add the tags I'm using and the other two and every time I'm thinking about it I'm mobile. Maybe @Curious will see this and do it. 

@CTRLZero, she does wander around without a headship. One wonders how she is avoiding terrible sin without an accountability partner. 

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HerNameIsBuffy

Posted

I don't get the breast like grape clusters thing.  There are eleventy fruit based metaphors that would have worked better.  Anything roundish and relatively symmetrical.  If ones breasts were like a cluster of grapes I'd think that would be a warning sign of a medical issue.

im not trying to be funny - as a kid I wondered if maybe grapes were different back then but cluster still wouldn't work,

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AmazonGrace

Posted

If my breasts resembled clusters of anything I'd be afraid of breast cancer. 

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      • Upvote 1


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