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Destiny31's Corner

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What Are You Doing? Chapter 1: What are you doing?

No, the title of this entry is NOT an error - that really is the name of the first "chapter". I'm already feeling like this is a terrible idea.

First, my general feelings on the layout and construction of this book. It seems as though he was selling the book for actual money on Amazon (I didn't confirm this because fuck having a bunch of similar to this bullshit show up in my account for the next 29834739 years), so he could have spent some BASIC time authoring the ebook properly. There isn't even a bloody table of fucking contents, which is the height of laziness. Seriously, there are three FREE ebook authoring programs I can think of off the top of my head. This layout and look looks like he threw something together in Microsoft Word. Also, it's not really a story. It's all shitty, stilted dialog. If this was a fanfic, I would have noped out by now, and added the author to my permanent FUCK NO list.

We open our festivities with a cast of characters. They all have "clever" names. I'm not gonna bother to list them here, because I'm sure I'm going to post a quote now and then, so you can be surprised by the cleverness.

(disclosure: the first sip of wine was just taken. Please forgive the inevitable failures in spelling and grammar that will happen as I attempt to anesthetise myself against this drivel.)

Chapter 1: we are in the park, and Andrew is playing with his phone. Probably because he's sitting alone in a fucking park, and screwing around with his fucking phone seems like a logical thing to do if you are sitting alone with nothing else to do. Or maybe that's just me.  Who the fuck knows. It's a stupid, boring entry to a story that is utter shit. For some reason, Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) decides to tell us that the nosy busybody who is going to accost poor Andrew looks Middle Eastern. I haven't read past this chapter, but I really fucking hope I'm not going to be treated to a pile of racism to go with the rampant sexism and misogyny I'm about to experience.

The nosy busybody, whose name is Sakal (google it plus meaning. Seriously, do. It's SO FUCKING CLEVER!) walks up to Andrew and asks him what's wrong with his phone. Andrew is forced by the author into some truly terrible dialog about not knowing who to call. Poor Andrew. He's a terrible fucking plot device and he doesn't even know it! Nosy Busybody's witty reply to this is too good not to quote (formatting is the same as the original):

Quote

Sakal: [Chuckling] Your phone?! No, it won’t; it is a machine. It has no purpose, no goals. You want to call someone because you are human; you have purposes and goals. As soon as you determine your purpose for making your call, you will know who you should call... or whether you should call anyone at all.

.......This was the point I realised I was gonna need another glass of wine.

Andrew replies (alas, he's a terrible plot device and doesn't know the trap he is about to walk into) that he knows what he wants. He wants a fucking date. So, he's a normal teenager, and Nosy Busybody has to go fucking ruin everything because he's so fucking wise y'all. Andrew tells Nosy Busybody that his date from last week was an evil whore who tried to push him into Teh Ebil Secks. Oh Andrew, I had so much hope for you to be a somewhat unobjectionable boring plot device. Please don't piss me off so badly that I need to come up with a clever name for you after two glasses of wine. Please.

Oh Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper). We've barely started, and already we've had shitty shit mcshitterson dialog, and we are pulling out the trusty Madonna / Whore trope. So original. Much creative. Wow.

Boring Plot Device (sue me, it's been two glasses. If you have a better name for poor Andrew, I'm all ears) launches a boring speech about how sex is evil, bad, and wrong. I mostly just rolled my eyes, but this, this gem of HORSESHIT is too hilarious not to laugh at:
 

Quote

 

Sakal: Do they? Is it not written: “The foolishness of man perverteth his way: and his heart fretteth against the LORD"xi?

Andrew: Wow, you know your Scriptures!

Sakal: Thank you, I have always found them to be a light to my path.xii

 

You know what? I blew that so creative line too bloody early. Fuck. I seriously hope that that Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) didn't think this exchange is witty. By the way, the footnote goes to a lengthy appendix where Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) has to tell us that this is a Bible joke. Dude, if someone is reading this bloody pile of excrement, they probably know a thing or two about the Bible. Just sayin'.

There's some boring conversation about whether Boring Plot Device wants to do the right thing or the fun thing. Obviously, sex outside of marriage is evil, bad and wrong, and running away from That Evil Whore was the right thing to do, and we know that because Nosy Busybody says the Bible says so. Boring Plot Device comes to the realisation that The Right Thing to Do was to ask out A Nice Christian Girl, and walks away. Well, who could blame him? I'd walk away from Nosy Busybody too. Probably as soon as he opened his mouth, but I'm an Evil Whore who had Teh Ebil Secks before marriage, so I'm clearly not the target audience here.

Nosy Busybody tries to tell poor Boring Plot Device that he doesn't have it quite right, but thankfully for Boring Plot Device, he got away before hearing more tiresome bullshit from Nosy Busybody. Lucky him. I wish I was so lucky.

RUN BORING PLOT DEVICE RUN! YOU STILL HAVE TIME TO GET AWAY! Alas, I do not. I feel like this might have been a bad idea. I am going to run out of wine on this project, I can tell.

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Destiny

Posted

I have just realised that this is quite possibly the longest thing I have ever written on FJ. Hell, this word count might match what I have written in the last year.

:wow:

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Fascinated

Posted

Please know your sacrifice is appreciated, @Destiny.  That is my favourite book review I've read so far in my life. I can't really tell if you're enjoying the book or not.  Or whether you are recommending the author to us.  I'm going to read your subsequent posts about this charming book, and, hopefully you will drop a few hints as to your feelings.  As it stands right now I probably won't be purchasing the book, unless or until your enjoyment of it shines through your words in the future.  

So far, my favourite character is Boring Plot Device.  

 

Can't wait for more!  Thanks again for taking one for FJ. 

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CTRLZero

Posted

[disclosure: the first sip of wine was just taken.]

I'm impressed you made it this far before indulging!

Thank you for being brave and reviewing this.  Looking forward to your next installment. 

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OnceUponATime

Posted

You didn't mention the really awesome illustrations! Chapter 1: The end of a picnic table.

 

my 'favorite' part in this chapter:

Quote

Sakal: Look at your phone. How do you know it is doing the right thing?

Andrews: When it does what I want it to do! Which it's not doing now, since it isn't telling me who to call

:confusion-scratchheadblue: (also it's a flip phone, so it's not exactly smart...)

 

I wonder if he'll try and make a short film out of it, it reads like a really bad script.

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Destiny

Posted

You are right @OnceUponATime. I clearly failed in not adding something about the illustrations. I'm sorta wondering if they are internet clip art or if someone he knows actually drew them. I don't remember seeing any sourcing on them.

I can't believe this HORSESHIT is supposed to be life changing.

@Fascinated, I'll attempt to be more clear about my feelings in the next instalment. We don't need any misunderstandings.

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OnceUponATime

Posted

in the copyright bit it goes "Illustrations copyright J. Nielsen, all rights reserved" Who J Nielsen is I don't have a clue.
It's not only meant to be lifechanging, it's meant to convince girls that they should have less choices in life than boys! If anything it's going to give me one extra choice in life: where to vomit

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  • Posts

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      Posted

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      • I Agree 3
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      • Love 1
    • marmalade

      Posted

      On 8/3/2020 at 12:16 PM, HereticHick said:

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      Posted

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      • Upvote 3
      • Thank You 2


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