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Destiny31's Corner

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What Are You Doing? Chapter 4: Courting a distinction.

Disclaimer: I'm starting this chapter at 12:15 AM my time, so apologies in advance for grammar and spelling failures. I probably won't get this finished before I pass out, but I'm gonna give it a go. Wine status: none. :(

The awesomely amazing @OnceUponATime has made us illustrations of our characters. This chapter will have Nosy Busybody, The Good Girl, and Asshole Plot Device. Here's an artist's rendering:

Nosy Busybody:

Spoiler

sakal.png.b24205353f413b394db3b0de80a977ba.png

Asshole Plot Device:

Spoiler

Andrew.png.b24b8ee81745331dba25ab7ab677972f.png

The Good Girl:

Spoiler

Maydyn.png.49fa4ea57b081ff88fd71f6948beb528.png

These are quite possibly the funniest things I have ever seen, and I can not WAIT til we get to the point where we meet Salesman Headship, because his and Teh Ebil Whore's are COMEDY GOLD.

In case you were wondering, the image today is of a street with houses on. I have no idea why, because they are in the park again. Where I come from, the chapter illustration is supposed to, you know, ILLUSTRATE THE FUCKING CHAPTER, but apparently Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper) lives in a different world.

We open today's chapter with Teh Good Girl and Asshole Plot Device arguing in the park. Wait, who told Teh Good Girl she could leave the house without a headship? She's just one step away from becoming a fallen Jezebel with no supervision, and to make it worse, she's TALKING TO A BOY! WITHOUT DADDY! I need some pearls to clutch.

Nosy Busybody wanders in because clearly someone needs to teach the kids how to act right or something. He asks what is going on, and Asshole Plot Device tells him that mean Good Girl refused to date him. Good Girl retorts that she won't date him because she doesn't date, she courts. Oh god. This is going to hurt, and it's almost 1AM. Asshole Plot Device comes across as the quintessential "nice guy that gets ignored by girls" here. He's all mad because he wants to date Good Girl and she doesn't want to go go out with him. I mean, HE is serious about wanting to to marry her, so OBVIOUSLY Good Girl is REQUIRED to date him. Gross.

Anyway, Good Girl tells Asshole Plot Device that it's not him, it's that she won't date anyone cos she is only going to court. Asshole Plot Device asks fucking Nosy Busybody to define courtship for him. Um, dude, the woman who said she only courts is RIGHT FUCKING THERE. Maybe you should FUCKING ASK HER, not a random dude you just met. If I haven't been to bed yet, does it still count as drinking too early if I go upstairs for a glass of wine?

Nosy Busybody points out that courtship doesn't appear in the Bible, which is accurate, and I would cheer if I didn't know that he was going to use that fact as reasoning for his fucking betrothal horseshit. Alas, I'm sure that is coming. SPOILERS!

Good Girl attempts to explain what courtship means with this lovely exchange:

Quote

Maydyn: Well, you can find one definition on Bill Gothard’s website. Have you heard of Bill Gothard?

Sakal: Oh, yes. Even where I come from we have heard of Bill Gothard.

Maydyn: Well, we certainly don’t agree with everything he teaches, but he is very popular, and was at the forefront of the courtship movement. His definition goes like this: “Courtship is experiencing the blessing of God by loving the Lord Jesus Christ and honoring both sets of parents. The purpose of courtship is to determine a couple’s readiness for marriage and to discern the will of God for a covenant marriage that will benefit the world.”

First problem. I was raised fundie, and homeschooled, and I'd still never heard of Gothard before FJ, so the "even where I come from" (which is nebulous in the text, other than Middle East, and a comment is made early on that his attire matches that) makes no fucking sense. Second problem, if Bill Gothard is too fucking liberal for you, I can't even with you. Third problem, I'd like to argue the very popular point. Last I checked, he was booted out of his ministry for impropriety. Fourth problem, I still don't have any wine.

Nosy Busybody basically says that courtship sounds just like dating to him. I mean, in the courtship model, the kids have some sort of say in their lives, so clearly it's EXACTLY THE SAME as dating. SEND HELP AND WINE! Good Girl tries to explain that courtship is way different because all the parties involved are SERIOUS y'all. Asshole Plot Device butts in with a wait a minute, I'm serious about marrying you, how could you turn me down, and oh my god I want to smack him upside the head with a women's studies textbook. Of course, Nosy Busybody backs Asshole Plot Device, but that's mostly because he's trying to prove that courtship is the same as dating.

There's a stupid conversation about how courtship doesn't signify readiness for marriage, and a brief sojourn into covenant marriages. Nosy Busybody is condescending as shit to poor Good Girl, and of course, because she's a woman, and a stupid plot device, she can't adequately express the Biblical reasons for courtship. That could have something to do with the fact that they don't exist, but I digress. There's some boring bullshit about covenant marriage, but it's all really to serve the purpose of "proving" that courtship and dating are the same thing. It's basically two pages of nothing but them being passive aggressive and condescending at each other. Bright side: I'm not depressed like I was after chapter three, just tired.

Quote

Maydyn: What?! I don’t know where you found this guy, Andrew, but he is crazy! [Maydyn storms off in a swirl of skirts].

Preach Good Girl, preach. This is the first time I've agreed with you, though again, I really hate the fact that both women in the story so far have stormed off after having a disagreement with Nosy Busybody. Way to play with the "women are overly emotional and irrational" sterotype. Fuck you and your misogyny again Mr. Ohlman (who is a creeper). And with that, this chapter is over, except for Asshole Plot Device making plans to meet up with Nosy Busybody to answer more questions. It's too late to even tell him to run away anymore. :(

It's 1:30 AM and I'm tired, and thank god this chapter is done because reading it is putting me to sleep. I reread for grammar and spelling, but I'm sure I missed stuff. I'll go through it again in the morning when I can see straight.

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OnceUponATime

Posted

So I just searched the PDF and evil whore was a one act wonder. She does get mentioned in passing next chapter though. Please don't cry too much.

Salesman headship appears in chapter XIII. 

In case anyone was wondering, there are clxxxix footnotes for the 21 chapters.

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Destiny

Posted

Sigh, REALLY? Ok then, here's Ebil Whore, because it's too funny for y'all not to see:

Jessie1.png.e506b2d71d7b5c596425cd55cf11b550.png

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WhatWouldJohnCrichtonDo?

Posted

Oh! First I laughed so hard at the illustrations I almost woke up everyone in my house, and then I read the retelling of Chapter 3. I. WANT. A. DRINK. One of those alcoholic chocolate milkshake thingies like you can get at Red Robin. Or something! Where the everloving frell does VOIAPP get this dren? What the hezmana goes through his frelling piss poor excuse for a brain?!! Gah! 

If it's this bad in tiny quotes and retelling, I have extra respect and love for @Destiny and @OnceUponATime for reading the mind-numbing and potentially soul-corroding original. 

The God I know and love who knows and loves me doesn't fit VOIAPP's views of marriage and life. God bless you, Vaughn Ohlman (you creeper). I hope he blesses you with a bright and shining revelation of how truly sick and evil your ideas are.

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uber frau

Posted

Rescue ferrets are great and all, but do we have any service animals around these parts who are capable of more? I think we need a rescue elephant to carry the amount of grog needed to get us all through this shit.

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OnceUponATime

Posted

@uber frau I think we may need to have a herd of pigs growing new livers as well.



So onto my chapter blah: "Sakal: Oh, yes. Even where I come from we have heard of Bill Gothard." really was my 'favorite' quote. So out of place/context. :shakehead: Why, just why?

And the part that made me feel like :5624796058123_Aseaoftearscrying::

Quote

Andrew: Wow. That was interesting. But now what should I do? [Looks at his phone] Say, I have to go, but will you be here tomorrow? I have lots more questions.

No Plot device, it wasn't. And please, run away and never come back.

I also wish the girls would bitchslap Nosy Busybody. I mean that should be feminine enough for Mr creeper right?

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CTRLZero

Posted

6 hours ago, OnceUponATime said:

In case anyone was wondering, there are clxxxix footnotes for the 21 chapters.

Just a quick question, I don't want to give anyone a headache, but what is the nature of these footnotes?  For example, are they references to the Bible or advertisements for Gothard's materials?  Thanks for any light you can shed in the murky depths of this dreck.

Loved the illustrations!  :you-rock:

The purpose of courtship is to determine a couple’s readiness for marriage

Well, we know how VOIAPP determines the young woman's readiness...

Thanks for hanging in there, Destiny.  Above and beyond the call of duty.

:tw_star:

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OnceUponATime

Posted

@CTRLZero
the first 10 (which aren't numbered with roman numerals) let you know the deep and wonderful meanings of the names (which I put in slightly smaller lettering under the people).
The rest vary between bible references (because half the people talk in scripture half the time), half page expansions on what something means, links to websites for further info etc.
They are all bundled at the end of the 'book' which pisses me off no end. Just put them at the end of each chapter, or better yet, don't use so many!

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Destiny

Posted

@OnceUponATime, exactly that. The Gothard mention made no sense and was just so out of the blue. It made me go O.O. This chapter was so god damned boring....it was hard to even find anything to snark on. They went back and forth for two pages about covenant marriage and I'm just going oh god is it over yet.

The footnotes suck and tbh I've been terrible at reading them. I'm just taking the terrible writing at face value and walking the fuck away.

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OnceUponATime

Posted

10 minutes ago, Destiny said:

The footnotes suck and tbh I've been terrible at reading them.

I'm not reading them either because every time I go there I lose my place :(

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Destiny

Posted

23 minutes ago, OnceUponATime said:

I'm not reading them either because every time I go there I lose my place :(

That's because this shit is terribly authored. No table of contents or links between elements of the document is very poor designed.

Note: when I say authored, I'm not talking about the quality of the writing, I'm talking about the design and layout of the document.

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THERetroGamerNY

Posted

10 hours ago, Destiny said:

Sigh, REALLY? Ok then, here's Ebil Whore, because it's too funny for y'all not to see:

Jessie1.png.e506b2d71d7b5c596425cd55cf11b550.png

Her hands and arms are... disturbingly phallic. O_o

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OnceUponATime

Posted

2 minutes ago, THERetroGamerNY said:

Her hands and arms are... disturbingly phallic. O_o

oops. That was actually completely unintentional. :shrug:

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Destiny

Posted

2 minutes ago, THERetroGamerNY said:

Her hands and arms are... disturbingly phallic. O_o

OH GOD. I didn't even see that! LOLOLOLOL! I lol'd at the rest of it and didn't even notice the arms.

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CyborgKin

Posted

Thanks Gamer, cannot unsee.

 

Also I want to interpret the other's name as "Made in landfill" :P

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EyeQueue

Posted (edited)

Here's your pearls to clutch:

pearlclutching.jpg

And brava with the illustrations! So damned hilarious.

This book by Vaughn Ohlman (who is a creeper) is so laughably craptastic I can't imagine who he thought would take this tripe seriously.

Oh, wait...

ETA: And:

Quote

Even where I come from we have heard of Bill Gothard.

Um, no you haven't. :pb_lol: He's not that fucking important. But nice try.

Edited by EyeQueue

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  • Posts

    • Ozlsn

      Posted

      4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

      Gary's not gonna meet God for somebody else, he's going to meet God for himself. "Ah'm gonna meet God the way ah preached, ah'm gonna meet God  the way ah soul-winned, ah'm gonna meet God the way ah the way ah sang,  ah'm gonna meet God the way ah treated mah family, amen?"

      Boy is he screwed.

      4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

      Most of the time, he reminds us, your enemy will be someone in church

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      4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

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      Well that explains the scowl in his daughter's wedding photos.

      4 hours ago, thoughtful said:

      He tells the story of the man who was called to be a preacher because of Gary's Facebook video, and needs Becky and Jacob to help him remember when it all happened.

      I'm seriously starting to wonder if he has a neurodegenerative condition and Becky is hanging in there for the inheritance.

    • Katzchen24

      Posted

      That's a really interesting article. I hadn't really thought about it, but the majority of the fundies we snark on really do only rant on a limited number of themes. Mostly it's abortion, female purity, anti-LGBTQI and  general KJV-ness. 

      "The Bible’s exhortations to compassion for immigrants and the poor stretch long enough to comprise a sizeable book of their own, but no matter. White evangelicals will not let their political ambitions be constrained by something as pliable as scripture."

      Maybe FJ selects to snark on only a particular type of fundie, but I have NEVER heard one obsess about the poor or immigrants even one iota as much as they do about modesty or abortion. 

      As far as I'm concerned, the fundie obsession with female purity is a power and control grab dressed up as godliness. I've never understood why men have so much power over the female reproductive system and how so much prestige has been granted to male inheritance. It makes so much more sense for inheritance to be matrilineal if you want to be really sure of parentage. 

      • I Agree 3
    • SolomonFundy

      Posted

      You may be thinking of the Goodwins. Atlanta and Jordan live on a homestead (adjacent to his family) in middle Tennessee. A few years ago, they acquired a second, larger wood stove to use in their home, and moved the smaller wood stove to an exterior porch for Summertime cooking. This accomplished the tandem goal of allowing heat to remain outdoors in the Summer, and indoors in the Winter as the larger stove is capable of heating the entire house in colder months. The smaller stove is eventually supposed to be moved to an unfinished area of the homestead that is intended as a Summer kitchen. Atlanta and Jordan now have 6 children, and she generally spaces about 18 months apart. So your memory of a baby + pregnancy is entirely possible. (The last two children were twins.)

      I'm not sure what you consider "well connected" to entail, but Atlanta and Jordan have quite a few social ties to fundy families. They also infamously had a Civil War themed wedding, complete with Confederate flags, antebellum dresses, and southern army uniforms for the men. She's remotely descended from Nathaniel Bedford Forrest (Confederate army general), and the wedding was held at his childhood home site. Forrest is credited with founding the KKK. Not exactly the family connection that most people would think to celebrate on their wedding day, but I guess Atlanta and Jordan felt that it was a appropriate for themselves. 😑

      • Love 1
    • marmalade

      Posted

      On 8/3/2020 at 12:16 PM, HereticHick said:

      Where did he say that he knows zero Spanish? And I wonder what language he studied at Syracuse, which I believe has a language requirement.

      He did grad school at Syracuse. Not sure if his undergrad had a foreign language requirement. I think it was a small liberal arts college, so I imagine it did. However, he could have fulfilled it in high school when he went to public school to boost his soccer. 

    • SolomonFundy

      Posted

      3 hours ago, calliopecassandra said:

      I'd say getting pregnant again 5 months after a stillborn is pretty soon. I know after a miscarriage, you're "supposed" to wait 6 months. Oh and they had to wait 6 weeks to have sex again. Are they people who say so many days after a girl birth and less after a boy, do we know?

      Susannah wasn't stillborn. She lived for several days after birth on life support. Melanie and Nathan seem to have a pattern of trying very soon after a loss. Susannah's death was incredibly traumatic for the whole family, and I personally don't think that they were any more irresponsible than any other couple who has 2 babies in 14 months. But then, about a year after Abby was born, they had a miscarriage. 10 months later, Betsy was born. So, over the course of 3.5 years, they had four pregnancies, including three full term births, the loss of Susannah soon after birth, and a miscarriage. 

      • Upvote 3
      • Thank You 2


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