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Guest Anonymous

I find this blog almost unbelievably sad. The author has never, ever, felt any attraction towards a woman, yet he is determined to marry one. This poor guy could have a family, a partner he can love and connect with, kids, all of the things he wants, but he won't let himself because he thinks it's a sin.

 

gaymormonguy.blogspot.com/

 

 

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I have never experienced physical attraction for a girl.

 

 

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I've wanted to grow up and be a husband and a dad since I was a little kid. To be the epitome of romance to my wife, surround her with beautiful things, and spend late nights planning out our lives together and talking about the wonders of the universe. To wake up in the middle of the night and let my wife sleep while I hold a crying baby... and then hours later watching him sleep quietly in my arms. To be there for my children when they skin their knees, or fail a test, or when they triumph over the world and can tie their own shoes or walk home from school without getting lost. To be there, waiting, after their first date, and to see them gain a love of life and a passion for being in the world. To lift them from depression and teach them the gospel and walk with them late at night, just talking about God and His hand in all things.

 

When I got back from my mission, I wanted nothing more than to find a wife and get married. It didn't happen, and for a while I've felt a mixture of guilt, hot jealousy, frustration, despair, longing, optimism... my emotions shifted from one side to the other.

 

 

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Now switch to my world. And realize that I am not only physically attracted to men... but intellectually and emotionally tied to them as well. Just as in the case above, my needs for intimacy are tied to gender. And trying to make them fill themselves doesn't work all that well.

 

I can stand next to a girl I'm dating, put my arm around her, run my fingers through her hair, and whisper in her ear. But when I do, I'm just going through the motions. Trying to light a fire that hasn't yet seen daylight. And eventually I have to give up, because my physical need for intimacy hasn't been met.

 

I can sit on a staircase talking with a girl for hours, sharing everything about me and learning everything about her. But when the night is over, I still feel like I don't understand her, or like she understands me. I'm trying, but it isn't working. And eventually I have to give up, because my need for intellectual intimacy hasn't been met.

 

I can share my dreams, my passions, my hopes, and my fears with a girl. I can open up and show her the secrets in my heart - the things that I care about most - and talk about how the gospel and my relationship with God has made me who I am today... and listen to her do the same. But at the end of the night, I feel like a missionary - not a lover... and while I have come to love her, it's no different from the love I have for anyone else. I'm still trying, but it isn't working. And eventually I have to give up, because my need for emotional intimacy hasn't been met.

 

At the same time, I feel a pull towards other men... and doing any of the above things with them fills a void that always seems painfully empty.

 

I personally think it would be wildly unfair for someone who has this level of same sex attraction to marry someone of the opposite sex. As a bit of funny in a sad situation, I don't think I'm too worried about that happening here, considering the list of attributes he's looking for in a woman. He doesn't expect much, does he?

 

 

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Other things that would probably be a plus: great singing voice (but not scoopy like Jenny Phillips), uber-smart, accomplished, famous, a great hostess, super-healthy, incredibly fit, a hard worker, loves gardening, loves writing and reading, loves teaching others and learning new skills, confident, has already actively consecrated her time and talents to God, works at the temple, served a mission (full-time or otherwise) where she saw amazing success, loves everyone unconditionally, is loved by everyone she meets, lifts people around her to become closer to Christ, helps inspire people to do better and find creativity they didn't have before, great with children, loves the color blue and BYU, great decorator, loves to cook and bake, can tailor shirts or teach me how, has good friends and an amazing family, studies the scriptures and is fluent in the language of the Spirit, speaks multiple languages, has good defensive driving skills, knows first aid and is constantly learning more, thinks that any date with me - no matter what we are doing - is a good date, wants to have a big family, is okay being rich or poor, actively engages in secret acts of service, doesn't have to heat the house to 75° just to be comfortable, has brothers and a dad who can hold good conversations and who like playing sports and love their family... but those are all things that would be nice. I tossed my "list" of my ideal wife a while ago.
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Other things that would probably be a plus: great singing voice (but not scoopy like Jenny Phillips), uber-smart, accomplished, famous, a great hostess, super-healthy, incredibly fit, a hard worker, loves gardening, loves writing and reading, loves teaching others and learning new skills, confident, has already actively consecrated her time and talents to God, works at the temple, served a mission (full-time or otherwise) where she saw amazing success, loves everyone unconditionally, is loved by everyone she meets, lifts people around her to become closer to Christ, helps inspire people to do better and find creativity they didn't have before, great with children, loves the color blue and BYU, great decorator, loves to cook and bake, can tailor shirts or teach me how, has good friends and an amazing family, studies the scriptures and is fluent in the language of the Spirit, speaks multiple languages, has good defensive driving skills, knows first aid and is constantly learning more, thinks that any date with me - no matter what we are doing - is a good date, wants to have a big family, is okay being rich or poor, actively engages in secret acts of service, doesn't have to heat the house to 75° just to be comfortable, has brothers and a dad who can hold good conversations and who like playing sports and love their family... but those are all things that would be nice. I tossed my "list" of my ideal wife a while ago.

I wonder if he maybe has this list because he knows it's so impossible to find this woman... That way he'll never have to deal with the issue. Because, no, he's not expecting a lot AT ALL, even in the atmosphere of perfectionism that seems to flourish around Mormon families (at least the ones I've been acquainted with). I wonder how perfect he is?

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Guest Anonymous
I wonder if he maybe has this list because he knows it's so impossible to find this woman... That way he'll never have to deal with the issue. Because, no, he's not expecting a lot AT ALL, even in the atmosphere of perfectionism that seems to flourish around Mormon families (at least the ones I've been acquainted with). I wonder how perfect he is?

Yep, desertvixen, my thinking was along those lines as well. He might as well be looking for a pet unicorn. And of course he feels no warm fuzzy attraction feelings towards women, so even if the unicorn exists, why would she want to go home with him?

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How very sad. I feel badly for the women he dates who have no idea that he isn't ever going to be interested in them. I also feel terrible that he expects that this will magically go away at some point, he will fall in love with his pet unicorn, and will suddenly be straight.

I just finished Mel White's book about his experience within the Religious Right as a gay man. He went through similar stages but eventually accepted his sexual orientation. When he was at a very low point, one of his counselors just said to him. "You are a gay man. You need to date men." I think this guy just needs to get to place where he can really here that without all of the religious guilt.

I am also baffled by this perception that being gay means an obsession with pornography and empty encounters. There are very few people who would want that. But he seems unaware that he could have a long-term committed relationship with kids if that is what he wants. And he could also be accepted into some church communities as well.

All the comments encouraging his path seem odd too. Does he delete anyone else or are there really that many people who think this is a good idea?

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He is trying to stay in that church, trying to keep his family and wrap his mind around living a lie. It will implode in his face, his future wife's face and his kids faces. Being Out and Proud = excommunication and shunning (which could include getting kicked out of a church school, losing his job if he works for a more religious LDS employer and losing his entire social framework). There is a big closeted Gay community at BYU and they are VERY careful.

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i feel so bad for this guy. my brother struggled like that for years before he finally came to terms with being gay, and as a result my parents shunned him so his gayness wouldn't rub off on me. ironic, of course, because i'm bi.

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How depressing. My gay exmo BFF thinks that Mormons are more likely to be gay simply because the pressure to get married to a woman and have kids is so strong, so gay men are fathering kids at a rate greater than that in the non-Mormon population. Like, the first guy he ever screwed is married and has like six kids.

If the dude in the OP really wants to stay closeted, maybe he should look into finding a lesbian who is willing to be his beard.

I'm sure there's some corn-fed woman out there with a curly brown mullet and a quiet personality who would be thrilled to raise this gay guy's eight kids for him while all the while overlooking his attraction to other men, provided in turn that she gets to have her affairs with other women. Bonus points if she's named Beall.

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The gay Mormon blogs are interesting. There was one that I haven't been able to find again that was written by a gay guy and his wife. It struck me as really sad and unfair to both of them. He would talk about how hard it was to sleep with his wife, and about trying to stay away from "P&M" (pornography and masturbation), which it seems like would happen every time she was away. I'd be really interested to see how they're doing now.

I read another one where this guy came out to his ward, and everyone was completely supportive. Not really what I expected, but I know there are some liberal wards out there.

There was an interesting conversation recently about how to deal with a lesbian daughter here: http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/?p=5943 They are definitely a lot more liberal than the average Mormon, though.

I really feel for gay Mormons who still believe. There's not a way to stay faithful and have a real relationship. Gay Evangelicals can usually find another church that accepts them, but the LDS church is considered "the one true church" so joining another Mormon church isn't always a good compromise. There are some interesting options, though, like this one (which apparently dissolved last year): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Restoratio ... sus_Christ

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I just really feel so bad for him. Denying such a large part of himself is not mentally healthy. My uncle came out a few years ago, after he just couldn't stand living a lie any longer. He had already been married to a woman for almost 20 years and has a grown son. He suffered from depression and used a lot of drugs to try to hide his pain. When that wasn't enough anymore, he finally had to come out. I think he was trying to wait for his dad to die so that he never had to know, but my grandpa is 93 and will probably be around for awhile.

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I feel bad for him, but I feel more sorry for the woman who he is going to present himself to as straight and marry.

I have a friend who married who she thought was a straight man when she was 23. They were both Christians, probably what I would characterize as "fundie-lite". They got along well, but the sex thing wasn't working for them from the wedding night on (they were both virgins so, yeah, no test drive). She tried to work on this with him for about 10 years, and then they started couples therapy and limped along for another five years. She desperately wanted children, but since he would only sleep with her very, very infrequently, she never got pregnant. She wanted to make the marriage work, though, and refused to give up on it.

Finally, finally, he came out as gay. Yippee for him (really), but he went off and did his thing and left her 38 and all alone at time when she had hoped to have a family. She had a hard time emotionally picking up the pieces. She got the house in the divorce, at least (and the two cats).

I get why he felt like he couldn't be honest about his sexuality, but there are a lot of casualities in the wake of these sorts of things, and I feel sorry for the casualities of these situations.

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I think he should just find an asexual woman and be honest with her that he's gay, if he really wants to be married to a woman and have kids. I know women who'd like kids and for their kids to have a good dad but haven't the slightest interest in sex, and I know women who wouldn't be jealous emotionally. I mean, push comes to shove if he's a good roommate and dad, that's not a bad thing, and if you're not having sex you're not assuming any risk. I wouldn't mind that kind of arrangement myself, if I weren't already partnered. HIS problem is that he wants a Traditional Romance Novel Marriage and THAT could never ever work. That path only leads to frustration, guilt, and a confused wife/kids, at BEST.

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I feel terrible for him and the young woman he will inevitably marry. The pressure to live the Gospel is so strong, he will find some young naive woman who won't realize until too late he doesn't have romantic feelings toward her. She may never know why, unless he is honest with her, and always blame herself for his emotional distance. Families are Forever as long as they fit in the straight and narrow box designated by the Church. This is one of the many, many, many reasons I can't stomach the Church regardless of how badly it disappoints my family.

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I feel terrible for him and the young woman he will inevitably marry. The pressure to live the Gospel is so strong, he will find some young naive woman who won't realize until too late he doesn't have romantic feelings toward her. She may never know why, unless he is honest with her, and always blame herself for his emotional distance. Families are Forever as long as they fit in the straight and narrow box designated by the Church. This is one of the many, many, many reasons I can't stomach the Church regardless of how badly it disappoints my family.

This.

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Wow. I really, really hope this guy never marries...a woman. That would be a disaster all around.

As I've said before, my sister turned Mormon when she was 18. She has grown children now and I follow their blogs, mostly for the same reason many of you follow fundie blogs; for the WTF factor.

Her oldest daughter had the audacity to wait till she was 30 to get married. I'm convinced the guy she married is gay. He was in his late 30's when they got married. This is so unusual in Mormondom that it raises flags. I figured that since my niece was that "old" when she got married that the pickin's were slim and she had to take what she could get. Well lo and behold, a nephew of mine, who is not Mormon but is gay, said that he feels that my niece is a lesbian. So maybe their marriage was a mutual thing, a way to follow the church but with someone who understands where you're coming from. They managed to have two kids, so they've at least proven a legit marriage to the church.

It's just all so ridiculous. It's just one of the many, many reasons I hate the Mormon church.

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Her oldest daughter had the audacity to wait till she was 30 to get married. I'm convinced the guy she married is gay. He was in his late 30's when they got married. This is so unusual in Mormondom that it raises flags. I figured that since my niece was that "old" when she got married that the pickin's were slim and she had to take what she could get.

I had a friend who was LDS. He's in his mid-30s and still isn't married. He's extremely girl crazy and dislikes gay people (unless it's two hot girls) so I can't decide if it's a cover or if he's one of the unfortunate ones that wasn't able to land someone and won't land someone. He told us the LDS churches here have a book with the profiles of all the single people in the ward. Well all the girls are 10-15 years younger than him.

I shouldn't be surprised but I always am at the amount of marriages that occur shortly after the bride's 18th birthday and how many pregnancies result right away. An old friend was LDS and got married around her 19th birthday. She postponed pregnancy until after she finished university and found a stable job which was seen as an oddity. Her 3 younger sisters had their first babies before their 19th birthdays.

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Oh, that poor guy! Someone needs to point him to this blog http://www.lathefamily.org/aboutfamily#awp::aboutfamily so that he can see it is possible to grow up Mormon, be openly gay, be married, and be a father. (Although remaining Mormon with all that is problematic).

Some years ago there was an article in the Salt Lake Tribune about gay mormons in hetero marriages. It was heartbreaking.

ah, I found the link: http://www.sltrib.com/faith/ci_4138478

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This is freaking heartbreaking. The concept of relying on a relationship with another human being to get into heaven is bad enough, but being compelled to reject your very self into the bargain? There are no words.

I have sometimes wished that Mormon missionaries would show up at my door, so I could ask them, "Why should I join a church that considers me a second-class citizen and won't let me into the best part of heaven because I'm single?"

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I feel like he is being...so willfully blind and stupid. He clearly STATES that he can't love a woman and feels a void in him filled whenever he is with men, but he is still just going to chase and chase women and hurt them and himself in the process.

He could be in REAL LOVE and he's not going to be.

Foolish! So foolish to REALIZE this, when so many people really are confused or in denial, and yet decide to try to chase something you don't want and give up what can make you happy.

I almost don't even feel sorry for him, because he knows that he will never achieve what he says he wants.

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I feel like he is being...so willfully blind and stupid. He clearly STATES that he can't love a woman and feels a void in him filled whenever he is with men, but he is still just going to chase and chase women and hurt them and himself in the process.

He could be in REAL LOVE and he's not going to be.

Foolish! So foolish to REALIZE this, when so many people really are confused or in denial, and yet decide to try to chase something you don't want and give up what can make you happy.

I almost don't even feel sorry for him, because he knows that he will never achieve what he says he wants.

I agree with this. I mean, I do feel for him, because an institution he clearly values and a belief system he seems to have deeply internalized say there is no place for "practicing" gay people. At the same time, he is free to leave the church and live life on his own terms. And I think it's rather heartless of him to continue having relationships with women and to plan to marry one--when he knows he is not capable of loving a woman in a romantic sense.

A Mormon woman I went to school with--she's 34--is single, though all of her adult siblings, older and younger, are married. It's not unusual to be 34 and unmarried in the larger world, but there is such an early-marriage focus in LDS culture that I wonder what the real story is behind that.

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SO SO sad!!! This guy is going to Evergreen Int'n as a last resort attempt to de-gay himself, only to realise years later that you can't take the gayness out of the gay!

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There is a big closeted Gay community at BYU and they are VERY careful.

Is there? How interesting!!! I was there a couple of years ago and it all seemed like straight out of a very strange and boring fairy tale: people like Ken and Barbie dolls, everybody really polite and kind, married and pregnant by the age of 20...I had the impression that everybody who didn't fit the stereotype was kicked out or wasn't admitted in the first place, especially if they were gay.

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Is there? How interesting!!! I was there a couple of years ago and it all seemed like straight out of a very strange and boring fairy tale: people like Ken and Barbie dolls, everybody really polite and kind, married and pregnant by the age of 20...I had the impression that everybody who didn't fit the stereotype was kicked out or wasn't admitted in the first place, especially if they were gay.

BYU has everything every other college does but it is hidden under a veneer of perfect ken and barbie land.

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Try looking at the Provo m4m craigslist sometime. There are definitely gay guys at BYU. I saw one that even said he preferred RMs, which seems pretty bizarre to me. I guess that would actually make sense for a relationship, so they could really understand where the other is coming from, but when you're just looking for sex I don't know why that would matter.

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  • 3 months later...

gaymormonguy dot blogspot.com

 

 

Has anybody read this blog at all? I can't remember how I stumbled onto it several months ago, but it has been horrifying and saddening me all at once ever since.

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