Woman writes open letter to man she went on Tinder date with

[ShepherdontheRock]

So this woman wrote a reply on a blog to a guy who rejected her because apparently, if only she were skinny, he'd want to have sex with her.

This has gone viral, and many are using this as a teachable moment against body shaming, etc.

http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/real-l ... 7433229079

I think this is a good manual on how to reject someone in the douchiest way possible.

[Wingnut]

You go girl!!!

[Firiel]

I'm more weirded out by the fact that he says he adores her and would marry her (obviously, if she were thinner :roll: ) after a first date than I am by the fact that he's shallow.

EDIT: Also, she's not even fat at all, so... what? :wtf:

[fuscia]

I loved that she blogged about it. He is a shallow jerk . I feel sorry for his daughter.

[Maggie Mae]

I'm more weirded out by the fact that he says he adores her and would marry her (obviously, if she were thinner :roll: ) after a first date than I am by the fact that he's shallow.

EDIT: Also, she's not even fat at all, so... what? :wtf:

I think the whole thing is fake, TBH.

She might not be fat... but she isn't exactly hipster thin either. You have to dig around on her instagram to find a full body shot, and even that has a weird camera angle.

[nausicaa]

I think the whole thing is fake, TBH.

She might not be fat... but she isn't exactly hipster thin either. You have to dig around on her instagram to find a full body shot, and even that has a weird camera angle.

This is ringing my BS detector as well. Both letters have a similar writing style. As Firiel says, who says they would marry someone after a first date (from Tindr no less?) If he didn't like her figure he could have done what tons of guys do, and just not called her again (which, imo, is okay after only ONE DATE) or he could have sent a brief text along the lines of "It was fun, but I'm just not feeling the chemistry" (not a lie and a lot less time for him than composing that manifesto of a letter). And she comes out of this looking too good. :think:

[ShepherdontheRock]

This is ringing my BS detector as well. Both letters have a similar writing style. As Firiel says, who says they would marry someone after a first date (from Tindr no less?) If he didn't like her figure he could have done what tons of guys do, and just not called her again (which, imo, is okay after only ONE DATE) or he could have sent a brief text along the lines of "It was fun, but I'm just not feeling the chemistry" (not a lie and a lot less time for him than composing that manifesto of a letter). And she comes out of this looking too good. :think:

Um, you'd be surprised at the way some men act. I used to Tinder a bit, and given some of my experiences, and those of my friends, this doesn't sound THAT far fetched.

And although she doesn't seem fat to me, I think focusing on her weight and Instagram angles is kinda besides the point.

[Firiel]

I got a possible BS vibe, but not enough that I feel confident to have a strong opinion one way or another-- it's no "relentlessly gay" GoFundMe. It's definitely plausible to me that this could happen. There are some real asshats in the world. I started wondering a bit when I saw some body acceptance type posts on her Instagram (Tumblr? I forget). I think body acceptance posts are great and wonderful and awesome, but it does seem pretty convenient that someone who is passionate about body acceptance and feminism would have that experience.

Like I said, for me, I'm catching just a faint whiff of BS. I think this story is totally plausible because people are weirdos and whenever I think that something didn't happen because no one could be that weird, I end up surprised. But I also wouldn't be surprised if it's fake. I'm also not too concerned either way because she's not outing the guy or asking for money.

[DGayle]

My BS-meter is going off pretty hard. I don't think it's believable that a guy could like a girl so much, then send that long of a letter telling her he liked her, but oops, she's too far, when she's maybe US size 8. Right now, claiming to get a shaming letter is a great way to get lots of attention, and sometimes money. So I'm skeptical.

[RosyDaisy]

I need a new BS detector. This story was so full of BS that my detector exploded.

[MatthewDuggar]

If it is true, they are both freaks. He's an idiot and should have just let it end. Is that really the woman in those pictures? She seems to adore herself and her outgoing sense of style, if anything that's why he dumped her.

I have Tindr and pull it up every so often. I think the furthest things go on the chats from there are "Hi how are you"?, "I'm fine thanks". So two people like each other's photo, big deal.

[nausicaa]

Um, you'd be surprised at the way some men act. I used to Tinder a bit, and given some of my experiences, and those of my friends, this doesn't sound THAT far fetched.

And although she doesn't seem fat to me, I think focusing on her weight and Instagram angles is kinda besides the point.

Oh true, there are some crazies out there. I've tried online dating and had my fair share of people I truly believe are mentally unwell, or at least have the maturity of ten year olds. It's just odd to me that a letter would be that well written, while sending such a crazy message. And there is something similar in both writing styles.

[sparkles]

True or not, I'm just so sick of public shaming in general as a way of making a point. It's really counterproductive, since the ensuing comment-debate seems to bring out the worst in people on both sides and ends up further polarizing the issue and stopping intelligent discourse in its tracks so the various commenters can high-five each other. I don't think I've ever read a response that said, "Oh wow! I really see your point. I'm so glad you posted this on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest/Vine/email/text blah blah blah. I really need to rethink how I act." No, it just seems like a way of getting revenge after your feelings have been hurt. Was the original text douchey and unnecessary? Yes. And so was the public-shaming response.

[Firiel]

True or not, I'm just so sick of public shaming in general as a way of making a point. It's really counterproductive, since the ensuing comment-debate seems to bring out the worst in people on both sides and ends up further polarizing the issue and stopping intelligent discourse in its tracks so the various commenters can high-five each other. I don't think I've ever read a response that said, "Oh wow! I really see your point. I'm so glad you posted this on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest/Vine/email/text blah blah blah. I really need to rethink how I act." No, it just seems like a way of getting revenge after your feelings have been hurt. Was the original text douchey and unnecessary? Yes. And so was the public-shaming response.

She does say it was a text, doesn't she?

Longest text message in the history of ever.

[zebra #13]

This is ringing my BS detector as well. Both letters have a similar writing style. As Firiel says, who says they would marry someone after a first date (from Tindr no less?) If he didn't like her figure he could have done what tons of guys do, and just not called her again (which, imo, is okay after only ONE DATE) or he could have sent a brief text along the lines of "It was fun, but I'm just not feeling the chemistry" (not a lie and a lot less time for him than composing that manifesto of a letter). And she comes out of this looking too good. :think:

Don't know if it's real or not. But having hung around a dating site for nearly a decade now, it certainly could be. Absolutely. Hell, there are guys that propose before they've even *met* you. (And vice versa.) There are guys who just block you, and guys that write semi-nice, but it's-all-yoo letters.

Judging from her pics, there are a LOT of guys she's gonna be too chunky for. Who won't tell her, 'cause, man, that'd be rude.

The usual drill for a dating site is: you get a letter, you check the profile, it's a no-go. You can answer, and say it's not a match. If you do, be prepared for buckets of hate to be rained on your parade. Most women don't answer, or do, and block immediately.

This seems about average. except she went public.

You're too fat. Well, you're too short. Done.

[apandaaries]

She does say it was a text, doesn't she?

Longest text message in the history of ever.

She said she checked her phone, but I think it could also mean that she went to the site itself for the text message (I was on a site with an app, so I could read longer messages).

Having attempted and retired (out of necessity) from online dating, this sounds utterly believable to me. I once went on a lunch date with a guy who kept scratching a rash he'd gotten from NOT BATHING THE ENTIRE PREVIOUS WEEK. And he told me this! To someone on a date!? Lots of other gems on that experience, including his final parting insult to my car when we got to the parking lot.

Another time I had a guy get really aggro in the exchanges. I'd told him I'd be really focused on work for the next month and not contact him. A few weeks later, he wrote a seriously angry missive; prior to that, he'd been a seemingly mellow dude who was into gardening.

As for the topic at hand, given that the guy is raising a 13 year old daughter, it's fair to put that out publicly, especially since she didn't name him, but clearly identified herself. I've known a lot of adult women still dealing with weird weight shit connected to their fathers.

The other thing I'm enjoying about public shaming is how much more open everyone is getting to the reality & prevalence of sexual abuse and the ensuing cover-ups. I really don't think that was possible pre-Internet, and I'm glad that the tide is slowly (very, very slowly) turning. Look at the Bill Cosby scandal. Those rumors have abounded for decades, but we're only now publicly acknowledging that the rumors were truth (kinda like ol' Joshie Duggar). I actually read a comment on deadspin recently by an adult guy who basically had no idea that rape was so prevalent or that a guy could do this for so long with so few repercussions.

Sometimes a good public airing of the dirty laundry is necessary. Sunshine, fresh air, and loud voices help combat the dark, secret, scary situations few want to discuss.

[sparkles]

I think there's a big difference between blowing the whistle on something that concerns the public at large and publicly shaming someone over a personal matter. Yes, regarding the former, the internet has been an invaluable tool when it comes to exposing some egregious wrongs. But regarding the latter, people's lives have been decimated as a result of one mistake going viral. We seem to get some kind of malicious jollies from taking down such people, who basically are just like us. I recently read Jon Ronson's "So You've Been Publicly Shamed," and although I found it quite flawed, it really showed how damaging this can be. One misstep can haunt you for the rest of your life. And often, you don't have to do a damned thing to get your name and reputation dragged through the mud. If someone gets a small fact wrong and names you when you're completely in the clear, all people will remember is that you were accused of something, not that you were cleared. (See Jewels, Richard and the bombing at the Atlanta Olympics.)

Your kid mouths off? Film him standing on a street corner holding a sign that tells the world what a brat you think he is. Girlfriend breaks up with you? Post intimate photos of her on a revenge porn site. Tweet a dicey joke your friends? Ooops. Now the whole world knows and you start receiving death threats.

I think if the woman in question really did receive this ill-considered missive from her date, her reply would have been better received if she'd left things between the two of them and responded to him personally. Even though she didn't name names, I doubt it would take much sleuthing to out the guy. I think the punishment in instances like this often far outweighs the crime.

[Firiel]

I think there's a big difference between blowing the whistle on something that concerns the public at large and publicly shaming someone over a personal matter. Yes, regarding the former, the internet has been an invaluable tool when it comes to exposing some egregious wrongs. But regarding the latter, people's lives have been decimated as a result of one mistake going viral. We seem to get some kind of malicious jollies from taking down such people, who basically are just like us. I recently read Jon Ronson's "So You've Been Publicly Shamed," and although I found it quite flawed, it really showed how damaging this can be. One misstep can haunt you for the rest of your life. And often, you don't have to do a damned thing to get your name and reputation dragged through the mud. If someone gets a small fact wrong and names you when you're completely in the clear, all people will remember is that you were accused of something, not that you were cleared. (See Jewels, Richard and the bombing at the Atlanta Olympics.)

Your kid mouths off? Film him standing on a street corner holding a sign that tells the world what a brat you think he is. Girlfriend breaks up with you? Post intimate photos of her on a revenge porn site. Tweet a dicey joke your friends? Ooops. Now the whole world knows and you start receiving death threats.

I think if the woman in question really did receive this ill-considered missive from her date, her reply would have been better received if she'd left things between the two of them and responded to him personally. Even though she didn't name names, I doubt it would take much sleuthing to out the guy. I think the punishment here outweighed the crime.

See, this doesn't strike me as a negative public shaming, necessarily, because she isn't outing him. The problem with public shaming (over mistatkes-- not over abuse and sexual assault like asshats Internet-wide are now claiming) is that it follows you the rest of your life. But this won't haunt him because he's anonymous. I'm not sure if anyone other than maybe people who know the guy would be able to easily figure out who the dude is. I mean, it's possible I'm underestimating Internet-sleuthing, but you'd have to find out where she lived and look at all the men in the area and find a man who was single with one teenage daughter and then find out what the daughter's interests were... we really don't have any more info about him than we would about someone who made lewd comments to a woman on the street.

[Geechee Girl]

I'm torn on whether I believe this went down as she said, or if this is a savvy self-promotion scheme utilizing the hot topic of the moment, #bodyshaming, in order to go viral. Regardless, dude had a point even though he was crass in the delivery. I don't like how she put his daughter on blast, too. I think she knew posting this letter on her blog would lead to a pile on.

[Firiel]

I'm torn on whether I believe this went down as she said, or if this is a savvy self-promotion scheme utilizing the hot topic of the moment, #bodyshaming, in order to go viral. Regardless, dude had a point even though he was crass in the delivery. I don't like how she put his daughter on blast, too. I think she knew posting this letter on her blog would lead to a pile on.

Yes, I do believe that the info about the daughter was overkill. I don't see an issue with mentioning that he has a daughter, but something more like "You have a daughter with dreams and aspirations that go beyond being thin and pretty" instead of specifically mentioning what his daughter was interested in would have been better.

[DGayle]

I think there's a big difference between blowing the whistle on something that concerns the public at large and publicly shaming someone over a personal matter. Yes, regarding the former, the internet has been an invaluable tool when it comes to exposing some egregious wrongs. But regarding the latter, people's lives have been decimated as a result of one mistake going viral. We seem to get some kind of malicious jollies from taking down such people, who basically are just like us. I recently read Jon Ronson's "So You've Been Publicly Shamed," and although I found it quite flawed, it really showed how damaging this can be. One misstep can haunt you for the rest of your life.

It's like Justine Sacco's tweet on her way to Africa about haha, she's not getting AIDS because she's white. It wasn't meant as racism of that white people are immune. She meant it as social commentary about how white people are privileged. But instead by the time her plane landed, her life and career and everything were destroyed.

I don't get malicious jollies over individuals making mistakes. A mistake is a badly worded phrase or admitting to something everyone has thoughts about. It's not like this is Josh Duggar repeatedly molesting kids, and then choosing to keep his post-18 face in the spotlight.

I think if the woman in question really did receive this ill-considered missive from her date, her reply would have been better received if she'd left things between the two of them and responded to him personally. Even though she didn't name names, I doubt it would take much sleuthing to out the guy. I think the punishment in instances like this often far outweighs the crime.

I agree. If I'm wrong in my skepticism and that man's real, he's probably stressed sick worrying that his life is ruined. The reality is we all have types we're attracted to and some that turn us off. Some people like very thin people, some people like larger people (though that's called a fetish for some stupid reason). Most of us just don't say so out loud. So I both hope this is fake, but also think it is because making a claim like this is a good way to make sure you have traffic go to your blog.

[Flossie]

I don't believe the story as written. I suspect she had a date with a man she really liked and flirted with him. He might have flirted back, at least at first, but I suspect that by the end of the date he was withdrawing and she was ignoring the signs. If I'm right, I certainly hope that he didn't go back to her place for some cuddling (unless he did and something happened in her home that turned him off).

However it went down, I think that when she eventually realized that he just didn't think they had the chemistry needed to continue, she was hurt and embarrassed and struck back via her blog. There seems to be a combination of massaging her ego and retaliation that happily (for her) resulted in lots of positive public attention.

I could be wrong, but that's what I think.

[polecat]

It's like Justine Sacco's tweet on her way to Africa about haha, she's not getting AIDS because she's white. It wasn't meant as racism of that white people are immune. She meant it as social commentary about how white people are privileged. But instead by the time her plane landed, her life and career and everything were destroyed.

I don't get malicious jollies over individuals making mistakes. A mistake is a badly worded phrase or admitting to something everyone has thoughts about. It's not like this is Josh Duggar repeatedly molesting kids, and then choosing to keep his post-18 face in the spotlight.

I agree. If I'm wrong in my skepticism and that man's real, he's probably stressed sick worrying that his life is ruined. The reality is we all have types we're attracted to and some that turn us off. Some people like very thin people, some people like larger people (though that's called a fetish for some stupid reason). Most of us just don't say so out loud. So I both hope this is fake, but also think it is because making a claim like this is a good way to make sure you have traffic go to your blog.

I suppose this is true, but instead of writing her a ridiculous long message about all the reasons he couldn't possibly hook up with her (because his little man just isn't into all that flab), he could have just said, "I really like you, but I didn't feel that spark." Done! No need for all that detail about how her body size would cause his dick to flatten.

(I also think the shaming via blog was unnecessarily nasty, but I'll cut her slack -- if this is real rather than publicity -- since she did not name him or offer any identifying info.)

How many people here have been body shamed in person -- out of curiosity? I struggle to believe that it happens anywhere near as frequently as bloggers seem to experience, but is it possible that it IS really common?

[ADoyle90815]

This is ringing my BS detector as well. Both letters have a similar writing style. As Firiel says, who says they would marry someone after a first date (from Tindr no less?) If he didn't like her figure he could have done what tons of guys do, and just not called her again (which, imo, is okay after only ONE DATE) or he could have sent a brief text along the lines of "It was fun, but I'm just not feeling the chemistry" (not a lie and a lot less time for him than composing that manifesto of a letter). And she comes out of this looking too good. :think:

Same here, I'm calling BS on this story as well. I think the guy just realized they didn't have any chemistry after the first date, which is a common thing that happens. For those who get told that there was no chemistry, if they're normal people, they consider it a good thing that it didn't go past the first date in those cases. If they're like this blogger, it's a huge ego blow, and they claim the person was cruel and body shaming them.

[DGayle]

I suppose this is true, but instead of writing her a ridiculous long message about all the reasons he couldn't possibly hook up with her (because his little man just isn't into all that flab), he could have just said, "I really like you, but I didn't feel that spark." Done! No need for all that detail about how her body size would cause his dick to flatten.

Just 2 sentences later, I also said, "Most of us just don't say so out loud."

How many people here have been body shamed in person -- out of curiosity? I struggle to believe that it happens anywhere near as frequently as bloggers seem to experience, but is it possible that it IS really common?

I've been, but there's no interest in how a thin woman is told she's too skin for ordering a salad, and should order something with fat. Before I lost a bunch of weight, I was never shamed in my adult years. As a kid, I was teased, though even skinny kids, kids with freckles and glasses, basically everybody got teased. It's pretty accepted to pick on thin people because, if we complain, we get told to cry somebody a river for our whining about the hardships of being thin. A friend of mine losing weight right now has had the same thing happen, where nobody said anything when she was big, but she's already had a comment for being thin with big boobs. She was told she needs to eat some sandwiches to balance out her boobs.

I'm going to post your question on Facebook and see what more of my friends say.