Sex-- if you aren't in the mood, at least "help him out"!

[Firiel]

Saw this article posted in my Facebook newsfeed. Hate-read it to my boyfriend, and immediately lost respect for the guy who posted it. I'm chomping at the bit because it was posted to a group I can't comment in (not sure why it was in my feed), so I can't complain about how it reinforces rape culture. You know, because men are all completely controlled by their sexual desires, so we women-folk need to help satiate them or face the consequences.

There is a theme of, "If you don't want it, at least 'help him out'." But there's also an emphasis on enjoying sex, because no husband wants to have sex with a woman who isn't enjoying herself! Except when, you know, he wants it real bad. Then, getting his rocks off is more important than seeing his wife in rapture.

missionwife.wordpress.com/2012/08/05/10-things-sex/

[tropaka]

from the blog post

Let’s say the husband is the cordless handset, and the wife is the base.

heh.

I just read quickly but I'm guessing this is a young(er) man. I can assure you that my husband doesn't think of sex quite as often as this guy seems to; I'm pretty sure that when he gets home from work he's less interested in "reconnecting" with me sexually than he is in reconnecting with his pillow or something to eat. Then again, what do I know, we don't guest blog at each other around here, we just talk to one another.

[debrand]

Men can't masturbate?

[CynicMom]

Just a bunch of gender stereotypes strung together with the word "God" in between.

[Firiel]

Men can't masturbate?

Nope, not without sinning.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I didn't think it was THAT bad - just pretty typical advice that you commonly see on blogs and magazines.

I'm not thrilled with describing sex as a "need" instead of a strong want, but the overall post was done in this context:

I get a lot of emails from Wives wanting to “get inside the heads†of their husbands when it comes to how he acts, and reacts about sex. I realize all husbands are different, and some prefer some things over others, but overall, I feel that there are a lot of wives out there who REALLY WANT to make their sex life with their husband what God intended it to be, but sometimes get frustrated by not understanding why he’s always asking for sex, even when they just had it, or what he means when he says things like “I just want you to want meâ€.

This isn't someone ordering reluctant wives that God says that they always need to submit sexually, no matter what.

Rather, this is some advice for wives who love their husbands and want to have good sex lives and figure out what their husbands want. In that context, the advice is pretty benign. It's also pretty clear that the post is about husbands who want to know that their wives want to have sex with them and are enjoying it. Read it context, it's hardly promoting rape culture. It's suggesting that if you really don't feel like having sex when your husband asks, there are ways to say it nicely and even to connect with him sexually, which will make him happier and more connected to you than simply saying, "go to the bathroom and take care of it yourself".

[Firiel]

It's the description of sex as a need and the comment that men can't "turn it off" that seemed rape culture-y to me. So not the side where women are asking for sexual assault but the side where men literally can't help themselves (the implication being that if someone can't help themselves, they are not culpable).

And the contradiction between wanting a wife to enjoy it and that she should just give in and help out if she's not in the mood.

Also, I do hate the gender stereotypes rampant in here, but that may be more offensive to me because of personal negative experiences with these particular stereotypes.

[2xx1xy1JD]

They are saying that a guy will explode without sex, or that it justifies forcing anyone.

Someone can still be aroused after sex is a no-go. There may be times when PIV sex is not wanted or would be really uncomfortable, but there's still a desire for some closeness and to make the partner feel good. The article isn't saying that she has to submit (as some of our fundies have said elsewhere), it's giving a suggestion to someone who wants to avoid making "no" sound like a cold shower. [it can also work the other way too - a husband can help out his wife if she's in the mood....]

[bumblebee]

Hmm, I've recently had the "ok, come here and get on with it but don't expect me to be awake through it" "but it sucks when you don't participate" (very paraphrased) conversation, I think it is YMMV. I'm personally fine with one partner being more..... enthusiastic (anywhere along that spectrum) than the other for any given sex that's happening as long as it's not in any way coerced and can stop at any time someone *really* isn't into it, that it goes both ways and they know each other.

[Firiel]

I actually am okay with one partner being more into it as well. But this article still irks me a lot for some reason.

I think ultimately, it boils down to the gender stereotypes for me. The idea that men have to "work up the courage" to ask their wives for sex reinforces the stereotype of the frigid wife. And while I need to respect that the scope of this article doesn't demand that it discuss the flip side (the "Hey, husband, if you're an asshole, that might be contributing to the problem!"), the fact that it does nothing to even address the fact that not all women are like this or that VERY often, the gender roles are reversed, does grate on me.

And the constant focus on HIM bothers me too. Be sexy and he'll be talking about it for years to come. Imagine HIS face when you tell him you aren't wearing panties... no mention of the mutual sexual tension that arises from these situations or that seeing your partner turned on can often turn you on as well.

The whole thing just panders to the overplayed stereotype that women are frigid and that physical sex determines sex drive.

[2xx1xy1JD]

I actually am okay with one partner being more into it as well. But this article still irks me a lot for some reason.

I think ultimately, it boils down to the gender stereotypes for me. The idea that men have to "work up the courage" to ask their wives for sex reinforces the stereotype of the frigid wife. And while I need to respect that the scope of this article doesn't demand that it discuss the flip side (the "Hey, husband, if you're an asshole, that might be contributing to the problem!"), the fact that it does nothing to even address the fact that not all women are like this or that VERY often, the gender roles are reversed, does grate on me.

And the constant focus on HIM bothers me too. Be sexy and he'll be talking about it for years to come. Imagine HIS face when you tell him you aren't wearing panties... no mention of the mutual sexual tension that arises from these situations or that seeing your partner turned on can often turn you on as well.

The whole thing just panders to the overplayed stereotype that women are frigid and that physical sex determines sex drive.

The rest of the guy's blog is here: missionhusband.wordpress.com/

Aside from the ONE post that you don't like, the rest of his blog seems to be addressed to guys, telling them how to be better in the sack for their wives.

I really think you're reading a lot into this that just isn't there.

[miffy]

I'm happy to 'help him out' if i'm not really in the mood, but it has to go both ways. ;)