Lori Alexander talks the expense of children

[patsymae]

"The Duggar girls book wont likely be a huge seller. Their audiences are limited and hundreds of thousands still don't know who they are."

I think only the true believers will buy this book--and then probably most won't buy it, just borrow it from a church library or something, unless they are "lucky" enough to go to a signing. Even the fundie or fundie lights who might have had some interest likely won't now that the "girls" have aged out of their subject matter--the oldest girls range in age from 19 to 23, which is the real world is supposed to be grown up (and in fundie land, shouldn't the 19-year-old be courting and the 23-year-old already married and working on blessing 2 or 3?) Coming from young teens the book may have had a niche market, kind of like the things Pat Boone and his daughters did in the '60s, but given their advanced age by fundie standards and their total lack of relevance by any other standards, I can't see who would want to spend money on this book.

[kpmom]

I am a SAHM and I always thought that I would go back to work when my kids are in school, but now I see that may not be possible. School is often out for days or a week or a week and a half at a time, and my older son is on the autism spectrum, so getting childcare is not easy. There are also IEP meetings, etc. Plus, when the school calls if the kids are sick, they probably don't want to hear that you can't get out of work, and will be dropping them off, sick, at school the next day because you can't find childcare. People with families who can help don't have to worry about these things, but we do.

I do some freelance writing, and I plan on expanding that once they are both in school to bring in extra income.

I am rather surprised that people thing that I have nothing to talk about and that they could not have an intelligent discussion with me, even though I was a lawyer and have an advanced degree, simply because I stay at home.

I actually would LOVE to work outside of the home, so I have a challenge for all who wonder why moms still stay at home when they have kids in school: find me a job. After dropping and picking up, I can only work from 8:30 to 1:30. I will need all school holidays off. I will need off for IEP meetings. I will need to be able to leave on a moment's notice if either kid is sick. Please let me know about any places that will hire me, and I will check them out once both boys are in school. It is so hard to find a job that accommodates a school schedule that there is a waiting list here in NYC to be a lunch lady at the schools.

You and I are in the same position. My kids are older, but my oldest son is also on the autism spectrum. Good luck finding child care, as you say.

One thing I did recently was go back to school (via the internet) and am working towards completing internship hours to eventually sit for the Behavior Analyst exam. The hours can only be done when he's in school, of course. So, I hear ya.

You have to find something very, very flexible.

[Hisey]

I am a SAHM and I always thought that I would go back to work when my kids are in school, but now I see that may not be possible. School is often out for days or a week or a week and a half at a time, and my older son is on the autism spectrum, so getting childcare is not easy. There are also IEP meetings, etc. Plus, when the school calls if the kids are sick, they probably don't want to hear that you can't get out of work, and will be dropping them off, sick, at school the next day because you can't find childcare. People with families who can help don't have to worry about these things, but we do.

I do some freelance writing, and I plan on expanding that once they are both in school to bring in extra income.

I am rather surprised that people thing that I have nothing to talk about and that they could not have an intelligent discussion with me, even though I was a lawyer and have an advanced degree, simply because I stay at home.

I actually would LOVE to work outside of the home, so I have a challenge for all who wonder why moms still stay at home when they have kids in school: find me a job. After dropping and picking up, I can only work from 8:30 to 1:30. I will need all school holidays off. I will need off for IEP meetings. I will need to be able to leave on a moment's notice if either kid is sick. Please let me know about any places that will hire me, and I will check them out once both boys are in school. It is so hard to find a job that accommodates a school schedule that there is a waiting list here in NYC to be a lunch lady at the schools.

Thank you, Staten Island Mom, I agree completely.

As a SAHM, I often get the "what do you do all day?" question. Often, I feel the questioner is working for the Laziness Police. There are some people that are terribly concerned that I might be doing NOTHING all day, so they need to shame me into feeling bad about my choice (my choice to be available for my kids, that is).

It really worries some people that I might have it "too good" or might be "mooching" off my husband. These people generally know nothing about my husband or myself, or our financial position. It just bothers them that I have two school-aged kids and no job.

Add me as one who would love to work, if I could find a job that was from 9 to 2, with the whole summer off and all holidays and vacations. But I also refuse to feel defensive about my choice to take care of my kids in the best way I can, for my family.

However, it is a bit discouraging. You work all day, cleaning and cooking and caretaking (work that is never done, BTW), then you meet these people who act like you do nothing all day.

The funny thing is, I have nothing but admiration for working moms, and never criticize them behind their backs. I do think this is an area where everyone's choice is going to be different. I do think the members of the Laziness Police tend to view children as people of little importance, because when you explain how you want to be with your kids before and after school, they never seem to understand. All they can think about is how you might be lazy.

[scc12]

I've been called for jury duty several times,and as soon as they saw that line 'stay at home mom' on the ppr I filled out,I immediately got bypassed by the attorneys and the prosecutor in the courtroom.I never even made it to questioning.Seems they think we are all airheads (even though I went to college),or will have a kid crisis daily and won't be able to make it in.I'm not sure which,but I tend to go for the first.They seemed to be condescending twds sahm's,imo.

[JesusFightClub]

I've been called for jury duty several times,and as soon as they saw that line 'stay at home mom' on the ppr I filled out,I immediately got bypassed by the attorneys and the prosecutor in the courtroom.I never even made it to questioning.Seems they think we are all airheads (even though I went to college),or will have a kid crisis daily and won't be able to make it in.I'm not sure which,but I tend to go for the first.They seemed to be condescending twds sahm's,imo.

I used to work in jury selection. It's not that.

The fact you said "I am a stay at home mum" indicates that your preference is, um, to stay at home. It's nothing to do with "being an airhead". It's everything to do with the fact that you've just told us that mummy issues are so important to you that you can't make it in if your little'uns are having problems. Strangely, that disqualifies you for jury service.

"OMG! Totes sry I can't make it to the murder trial today! My youngest is sneezing and I think he might be getting a cold!" Yeah, not a great plan for a juror.

[Patsy]

I used to work in jury selection. It's not that.

The fact you said "I am a stay at home mum" indicates that your preference is, um, to stay at home. It's nothing to do with "being an airhead". It's everything to do with the fact that you've just told us that mummy issues are so important to you that you can't make it in if your little'uns are having problems. Strangely, that disqualifies you for jury service.

"OMG! Totes sry I can't make it to the murder trial today! My youngest is sneezing and I think he might be getting a cold!" Yeah, not a great plan for a juror.

Well, that and certain things are considered more important than being on a jury. Own your own business? You don't go. It's not because owning your own business means you're too dumb to deliberate, it's because they assume the duty would be too much of a burden. Working a 24/7 duty that is difficult to get others to 100% cover, likewise. That might have something to do with it? IDK.

[JesusFightClub]

Well, that and certain things are considered more important than being on a jury. Own your own business? You don't go. It's not because owning your own business means you're too dumb to deliberate, it's because they assume the duty would be too much of a burden. Working a 24/7 duty that is difficult to get others to 100% cover, likewise. That might have something to do with it? IDK.

You explained it much better than I could.

Being on a jury is actually a really important thing to do, and it needs you to be thinking about that, not "I hope Suzy remembers that wee Tam shouldn't eat chocolate" or "Oh shit! Did I remind Ann that we don't offer discounts for cash?"

If someone said "I have a religious objection to jury service" or "I'm a stay at home mum" or "I run a business which needs my full time attention, and I'm really going to struggle if you ask me to stay away for an unspecified amount of time" all of those things are actually valid issues which may prevent you from being a juror. It doesn't make a person thick at all, it just means there are other considerations.

(I can honestly say that intelligence wasn't a factor in ruling out potential jurors....)

[apple1]

This is an artificial "war" that has been going on since at least the late 1960s--classic divide-and-conquer tactic. If you get women sniping at each other (and strangely, the women in the before-blog days who did the sniping had public careers) they won't look at what's really happening.

Funny how the anti-"feminists" forget that it was the woman's movement that fought for the rights of SAHMs to, for example, be entitled to Social Security payments even if their hubbies left them after years of service, to have credit in their own names, to have legal recourse in the case of spousal abuse or rape...

THAT. So much that. And in this artifical "war", nobody mentions any middle ground. I raised mine while working part time; the part time gradually added days back (as the space became available at my places of employment, of course) such that I was full time when they were in high school. I frequently felt like, as a part timer, I was in some no man's land. Not a SAHM, but also at work, having the less desirable slots that the full timers rejected, and having given up options for professional advancement for the time being.

But - it worked for us. Without my pay, we just plain would not have made it financially, even with very frugal living. My husband has always been a worker, even working overtime when the kids were younger and I was working fewer days so that I could meet my kids' needs at the time. But, no, he didn't bring home 6 figures. And there were setbacks related to companies "outsourcing" and "downsizing".

Anyway - we made it. Maybe not easily. And we still don't fit into anybody's slot. What's with all the slotting, anyway?

[scc12]

I used to work in jury selection. It's not that.

The fact you said "I am a stay at home mum" indicates that your preference is, um, to stay at home. It's nothing to do with "being an airhead". It's everything to do with the fact that you've just told us that mummy issues are so important to you that you can't make it in if your little'uns are having problems.

wow,not at all.I'd be the first to be there!

Strangely, that disqualifies you for jury service

that's strange alright.

"OMG! Totes sry I can't make it to the murder trial today! My youngest is sneezing and I think he might be getting a cold!" Yeah, not a great plan for a juror.

again,not at all what i'd do.actually,they were in school for a few of the times I was called.even so,I had backup,so it would not have been a problem at all.

[scc12]

You explained it much better than I could.

Being on a jury is actually a really important thing to do, and it needs you to be thinking about that, not "I hope Suzy remembers that wee Tam shouldn't eat chocolate" or "Oh shit! Did I remind Ann that we don't offer discounts for cash?"

If someone said "I have a religious objection to jury service" or "I'm a stay at home mum" or "I run a business which needs my full time attention, and I'm really going to struggle if you ask me to stay away for an unspecified amount of time" all of those things are actually valid issues which may prevent you from being a juror. It doesn't make a person thick at all, it just means there are other considerations.

(I can honestly say that intelligence wasn't a factor in ruling out potential jurors....)

couldn't someone with a boss have problems as well,just in a different capacity? maybe even moreso?

replacements come easily,perhaps.

work could pile up.one could get behind pretty quickly.those could be worrisome problems.

and not all places will make up the difference between what you lose being on jury duty.worrying about loss of income and how one is going to pay the bills could certainly interfere with the duties of being a juror,as far as where your mind is.

just some thoughts.

[JesusFightClub]

But jury selectors don't know you are an exemplary SAHM who will prioritise your jury service above everything else. What they do know is that you've declared yourself to be a "stay at home mother" and it's reasonable to assume from that that stay at home motherhood is your goal.

It's not particularly complicated. If you are worried about being judged for your SAHM-ness, there are other ways to phrase it. It's also nothing to do with your smarts - we didn't know how intelligent anyone was who applied to us. You've just told jury selectors that you have an issue which makes you unsuitable for jury service. That creates problems for them.

[lilwriter85]

Stay at home moms can end up on juries. If they make it to questioning they will be asked further about their situations. My cousin ended up on jury when her daughter was a toddler because my cousin was asked if she had other childcare options in place. She said yes because she was living in the same area as several relatives who used to babysit for her whenever she needed it.

[sacrilicious]

THAT. So much that. And in this artifical "war", nobody mentions any middle ground. I raised mine while working part time; the part time gradually added days back (as the space became available at my places of employment, of course) such that I was full time when they were in high school. I frequently felt like, as a part timer, I was in some no man's land. Not a SAHM, but also at work, having the less desirable slots that the full timers rejected, and having given up options for professional advancement for the time being.

But - it worked for us. Without my pay, we just plain would not have made it financially, even with very frugal living. My husband has always been a worker, even working overtime when the kids were younger and I was working fewer days so that I could meet my kids' needs at the time. But, no, he didn't bring home 6 figures. And there were setbacks related to companies "outsourcing" and "downsizing".

Anyway - we made it. Maybe not easily. And we still don't fit into anybody's slot. What's with all the slotting, anyway?

Well, put me in the same slot, then. ;) I work part time, and sometimes it feels like the best of both worlds and sometimes the worst of both. Maybe it's the nature of my job(s) (I've had a few different ones over the years) but my schedule always changes so I have really never been able to socialize with other moms at play groups or have any kind of routine. I've also had to turn down better job opportunities because I need a flexible schedule, or miss days when the kids were sick or I couldn't get a babysitter and I don't get sick or personal time so it's a loss of money and potential business. Overall I do feel fortunate that I have a degree that allows me pretty good pay for the number of hours I do work, and a family member who can watch them part time, because I can't afford daycare on what I do make.

By the way, I also used to wonder why more SAHM' s didn't work when their children went back to work, and then my oldest started school and I realized how short the day really is. It can be done with the right type of job, spouse with flexibility, or help from family or access to programs like extended day, but that's a lot of variables that have to be perfectly aligned.

[Whipple]

I don't know what other women do while their kids are at school, but I spend my time tutoring math in a middle school, serving as our neighborhood action coordinator, volunteering as an adult literacy tutor at the public library, chairing an organization that supports women running for local public office, teaching financial education courses for low-income people interested in starting small businesses, organizing voter registration and information campaigns, serving on the city transportation planning commission and on the board of the local housing authority. Seems like my days are usually pretty full.