OK, OK...time to delurk...Jeubs, Maxwells, and more

[Lalabee]

I'm a long time lurker ~ can't even remember how I found the board. Have read on and off for a year or two.

 

I'm a former Conservative Christian homeschooler (basically a fundie wannabe). My religious and political beliefs have changed enormously in the past five years or so. I alternately chuckle and am stunned when I read the interpretations here of the Fundie world.

 

I started out as a Christian who wanted to homeschool and cut my teeth on the Pearls. I'm very surprised they aren't mentioned more often here on FJ. Then I moved on to Gentle Spirit (Cheryl Seelhoff) and An Encouraging Word. My idols were the Maxwells...I've followed them since the beginning. Mary Pride, Joyce Swan, Vision Forum, the Bluedorns...this was my world for several years.

 

And to top it off my family personally knows the J*ubs. I've been at their house, emailed, telephoned, babysat, etc. And yes, I clearly remember the whole Alicia episode.

 

I have purchased and read nearly everything put out by the Pearls, Maxwells, and J*ubs.

 

Interestingly, I know very little about the Duggars. We don't have cable so I've never watched their show. I've seen snippets here and there in the media and visited their website. If they want to have a bazillion kids, so be it, but they are so clearly exploiting their children and getting paid big bucks!! It makes me sick to see their gorgeous house, etc....all paid for by TLC, I presume.

 

So why am I delurking? Apparently, I'm very naive. As I read through their blogs daily, I was surprised to see so many positive comments. When I would be particularly aggravated by their ignorance, stupidity, unreasonableness, or lack of common sense, I would think "Why can't anyone else see through this???" By reading here, I found out that these Fundie bloggers delete comments that oppose their views. I was furious. I can see deleting comments that have vulgar language or are just mean, but to delete comments just because they disagree with you?? To make you look better to the other readers?? So you don't have to explain yourself? Grrr...

 

So here I am...any questions?

[Guest Anonymous]

What was it about the Maxwells that you found attractive? They seem so joyless to me, I've always wondered what made people think they were doing it right. You said you started out as a conservative Christian homeschooler, have you left all of that behind?

Last but not least, welcome!

[Justme]

Welcome!! (I'm pretty new myself.)

What happened with Alicia after she was kicked out? I hope she and her child are happy. Does she have any contact with her Mom & step-dorkdad?

[debrand]

Welcome. On the old board, we discussed the Pearls a lot.

Why did you leave the letter e out of the name, Jeubs? What was your inside view of their relationship with their oldest daughter?

[nutella addict]

Welcome indeed, and tell us more, please! I love insider views :) I'm new too, and seem to be posting way too much for my own good. I'd love to know how these families actually work, how good or bad the homeschooling is or what the standard/variation is with SOTDRT, what you think of all the "spare the rod, spoil the child" stuff and if they actually do hit <1 year olds, what you mean by "former", and how poor Alicia is doing. Or just you know, anything you want to share :)

[lilwriter85]

HI and welcome to FJ.

[doggie]

we have talked about the pearls and figuratively beaten them to death or at least tried too.

[ladypuglover]

we have talked about the pearls and figuratively beaten them to death or at least tried too.

:lol: ain't that the truth.

Welcome Lalabee! Remember to read the TOS and don't poop on the rug. ;)

[AlexIsAwake]

Welcome, Lalabee! Please share more of your story. What attracted you into the lifestyle initially? How long and how deeply were you involved? Do you have a lot of kids? And most importantly - how did you start to see through it all and what exactly were the problems you started spotting? Are you married and if so, is your husband on board with your new way of thinking?

Looking forward to hearing more from you!

[emmiedahl]

The Pearls? What did you think about it?

(prepares to back away slowly)

[luckylibrarian]

Welcome. I'm curious to know how you found FJ. What do you think of the Pearls, Maxwells, and Jeubs now?

[SunnyAndrsn]

Welcome, I hope you realize that there are a lot of us who are going to want more info, as much as you can provide without hurting anyone, on the Jeubs.

I'm also curious why you were attracted to the Maxwell family. I'm fascinated by them, but there is nothing in their joyless lives that I find personally appealing.

[Lalabee]

Ugh...just lost a l-o-n-g post. :(

Quick answers:

-I was drawn to the Maxwells through MOTH. I am a very concrete sequential person. I love schedules and routines. MOTH was worth every penny and I found it extremely helpful. I know I'm in the minority around here. :) The Maxwells seemed so...well...perfect! They floated through life on their schedules and they didn't seem to have any real problems. Hey, I was a SAHM with four children...maybe I was desperate?

-Alicia is in a long term relationship. She's had another child. She's an extremely ambitious person and a very loving and attentive mother.

-I was dresses only, tried to grow my hair long, toyed with being quiverfull, contemplated homebirth, tried to start a homechurch, and was as legalistic as the day is long. :(

-This was my thought pattern with the Pearls: You mean I do whatever you say and I'll have perfect children? People will think I'm a fantastic mother? Switch your kids when they're babies and you'll never have rebellious teenagers? I'm in! I know, I know...

-In the interest of full disclosure, I still consider myself a Christian. My relationship with God is the most important thing to me. I just have a different perspective than I did five years ago. I say this not to preach or make people uncomfortable, I just want to be honest.

[Guest Anonymous]

-In the interest of full disclosure, I still consider myself a Christian. My relationship with God is the most important thing to me. I just have a different perspective than I did five years ago. I say this not to preach or make people uncomfortable, I just want to be honest.

There's lots of Christians here, so no worries on that count. As long as you don't crap on the rugs you'll be fine.

[Bookworm89]

Lalabee, I can kind of understand the drawing of the Maxwell's. When I first started reading their blog (and other fundies) I was drawn to them because of the stability and perfectness of their lives. Then through watching my sister I realized their lives could not possibly be that perfect so the "rose glasses" were taken off so to speak.

[treemom]

Why do I feel like rug shitting will happen soon? And why couldnt this happen when I was in Alaska?

[emmiedahl]

-This was my thought pattern with the Pearls: You mean I do whatever you say and I'll have perfect children? People will think I'm a fantastic mother? Switch your kids when they're babies and you'll never have rebellious teenagers? I'm in! I know, I know...

quote]

Except that it doesn't work that way at all for the Pearls. Their kids are unemployed losers. Children have died when their parents followed their method to the letter. And there is no excuse for child abuse. I hope you are being flippant and not implying that you actually beat your infants.

I do attachment parenting and my kids are awesome. Everyone who knows them thinks I am a great mom. I know lots of nonspanked kids who are amazing. Ironically, I know a lot of switched kids who obviously have some issues.

[tehgoobster]

Hi, and welcome! :) What lead you to start questioning the Pearls' and the Maxwells' teachings? Have you ever met them? If so, what are they like in person?

[formergothardite]

Please tell me you didn't actually switch your babies. :-(

[debrand]

Was leaving the letter e out of the name, Jeubs accidental?

I used to be fundie-or at least borderline fundie. My oldest daughter is very spirited. In order to make her into the image of a fundie child, I would have had to abuse her and I refused to do that.

I wore long dresses, tried to submt to my husband and grew my hair long. Luckily, the stage didn't last more than three years but it almost destroyed my marriage and my self confidence.

[Lalabee]

Way back when, I thought the Pearls were the greatest thing since sliced bread. The fear mongering was so damaging. "If you don't spank your child the first time he tells a lie, he'll be a drunken, drug addicted humanist by age 18" (paraphrased, of course) Over and over and over I heard that if I didn't act NOW, I was setting my children and myself up for a lifetime of misery.

Another aspect of the fundie world is that every is encouraged to feel superior to those around them. Everyone wants the MOST kids, everyone wants their child to be the BEST BEHAVED, everyone wants their children to be the SMARTEST. It is soooo competitive. Fundies LOVE when other people make mistakes. I could give you so many examples of this kind of stuff.

I've never met the Pearls, but I was on their mailing list for years and own all their books. Yes, even Created to Be His Helpmeet.

The pressure is *enormous*. Thankfully, I was able to one day realize the ridiculousness of it and walk away.

I'm putting an asterisk in J*ubs because I don't want them to stumble across this post and try to figure out who I am, my ISP, etc. I dont' really want a nasty email from Chris, ya know?

[luckylibrarian]

Lalabe:

This was my thought pattern with the Pearls: You mean I do whatever you say and I'll have perfect children? People will think I'm a fantastic mother? Switch your kids when they're babies and you'll never have rebellious teenagers? I'm in! I know, I know...

So how "in" were you exactly? Did you give up the Pearl method before having kids or sometime as they were growing up?

[Koala]

Lord have mercy :( What on earth made you believe them?

And as usual, I agree with everything emmiedahl says.

I practiced attachment parenting as well, and my kids are some of the kindest people I know. People often comment on their good manners and behavior.

Most times, children learn what they live. If you instill kindness and self confidence in them, then you will see it reflected back. If you instill fear and self loathing in them, you will see that reflected back.

[Rhetorica]

Welcome, Lalabee. I can relate to your wanna-be-fundie status. :) I was raised Amish Mennonite, and used to drool over the perfect, pulled-together look of ATI. And I wasn't even a mother of four at the time--just a deadly earnest teen who was saddled with too much responsibility too early.

To those of you who are ready to jump all over Lalabee for being attracted to fundamentalism, please try to apply just a bit of your pluralism and open-mindedness here. It is not just crazy whackos who are attracted to the predictability and promises of fundie-dom. The snake-oil salesmen target people who are sincerely wanting to do the right thing, and willing to sacrifice themselves and their desires in the process.

Furthermore it's too easy to assume that as soon as someone leaves fundie-dom, they should automatically switch to thinking and behaving and speaking normally (because there's only one definition of "normal," right?...and it's definitely mainstream American. Gotta be.).

And lest anyone think that I am somehow endorsing fundamentalism and its myriad abuses, let me say for the record that I am a feminist graduate student who will be writing a dissertation on women in fundamentalism. In other words, I am dedicating the next three years of my life to exposing problems of fundamentalism. I'd just like to see a little bit of compassion rather than automatic suspicion from "liberated" people towards former fundamentalists. You have no idea how confusing and frightening the road out can be.

[Koala]

Welcome, Lalabee. I can relate to your wanna-be-fundie status. :) I was raised Amish Mennonite, and used to drool over the perfect, pulled-together look of ATI. And I wasn't even a mother of four at the time--just a deadly earnest teen who was saddled with too much responsibility too early.

To those of you who are ready to jump all over Lalabee for being attracted to fundamentalism, please try to apply just a bit of your pluralism and open-mindedness here. It is not just crazy whackos who are attracted to the predictability and promises of fundie-dom. The snake-oil salesmen target people who are sincerely wanting to do the right thing, and willing to sacrifice themselves and their desires in the process.

Furthermore it's too easy to assume that as soon as someone leaves fundie-dom, they should automatically switch to thinking and behaving and speaking normally (because there's only one definition of "normal," right?...and it's definitely mainstream American. Gotta be.).

And lest anyone think that I am somehow endorsing fundamentalism and its myriad abuses, let me say for the record that I am a feminist graduate student who will be writing a dissertation on women in fundamentalism. In other words, I am dedicating the next three years of my life to exposing problems of fundamentalism. I'd just like to see a little bit of compassion rather than automatic suspicion from "liberated" people towards former fundamentalists. You have no idea how confusing and frightening the road out can be.

I haven't really seen anyone jumping all over her, and I'm certainly glad she is "out" of the fundie lifestyle, however, my "open-mindedness" does not extend to the Pearls, or those who endorse their "methods" of child training.

I am glad that she doesn't seem to follow the Pearls anymore.