Flash back Friday

[VelociRapture]

1 hour ago, princessmahina said:

I don't think they'd let me have a table up there-- I'd be getting married in a Catholic church-- and I'm iffy on the "giving away thing." My inner feminist rails at the idea of being "given away" by my father like I'm chattel.  Those are really good suggestions though.

Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and I should suck it up and do it anyway lol. 

Don't you do anything you don't want to do missy! If you don't want a wedding party then don't have one. You could always hand the bouquet off to your father or mother or a sibling before you reach the altar (even if you don't do the whole giving away part.)

And if you don't want anyone giving you say then don't do that either. You may want to explain to your father - if you're close and you feel he may want to. 

This wedding is about you and the person you're choosing to spend your life with. The only responsibilities you have are to make this wedding meaningful to the two of you and make sure any guests you invite are comfortable (and by that, I really mean let them know if dinner will be served or if you're doing a cake and punch reception, etc. That way people can plan accordingly and not turn into hangry monsters. )

[princessmahina]

17 hours ago, VelociRapture said:

Don't you do anything you don't want to do missy! If you don't want a wedding party then don't have one. You could always hand the bouquet off to your father or mother or a sibling before you reach the altar (even if you don't do the whole giving away part.)

And if you don't want anyone giving you say then don't do that either. You may want to explain to your father - if you're close and you feel he may want to. 

This wedding is about you and the person you're choosing to spend your life with. The only responsibilities you have are to make this wedding meaningful to the two of you and make sure any guests you invite are comfortable (and by that, I really mean let them know if dinner will be served or if you're doing a cake and punch reception, etc. That way people can plan accordingly and not turn into hangry monsters. )

These are all good points, thank you  I'm glad that at this point it's all speculation and aimless planning- we intend to get engaged soon, but there's no telling how long that "season of life" (lol) will last. I'll be sure to keep all this in mind though.

And as for the hangry monsters, we want to have a couple of food trucks at our reception-- all paid for by us, of course. No melted root beer floats in a parking lot for our loved ones! 

[Percy]

I like the food truck idea, everyone gets to choose what they would like rather than the beef/ chicken thing.  

Pour wedding was very traditional but it was 26 years ago.  We I'd not kiss at the altar though.  The pastor was very traditional Lutheran and did not believe in public displays of affection at the alter 

[enigmata]

On ‎02‎/‎07‎/‎2016 at 6:50 PM, princessmahina said:

These are all good points, thank you  I'm glad that at this point it's all speculation and aimless planning- we intend to get engaged soon, but there's no telling how long that "season of life" (lol) will last. I'll be sure to keep all this in mind though.

And as for the hangry monsters, we want to have a couple of food trucks at our reception-- all paid for by us, of course. No melted root beer floats in a parking lot for our loved ones! 

I really didn't want my Dad to 'give me away'.  I didn't have any bridesmaids or maids of honour (I just held my bouquet myself - it was only a very small one). 

My Dad got a bit upset about it all so I agreed he'd walk me up the aisle and all parents would answer the question 'who comes to support Enigmata and Mr Enigmata'.

I truly agree that you shouldn't feel forced to do anything - I know I had to compromise a bit (would have preferred things even smaller) but ultimately I was happy with our happy day.

[sansan]

On 7/10/2016 at 4:47 PM, enigmata said:

I really didn't want my Dad to 'give me away'.  I didn't have any bridesmaids or maids of honour (I just held my bouquet myself - it was only a very small one). 

My Dad got a bit upset about it all so I agreed he'd walk me up the aisle and all parents would answer the question 'who comes to support Enigmata and Mr Enigmata'.

I truly agree that you shouldn't feel forced to do anything - I know I had to compromise a bit (would have preferred things even smaller) but ultimately I was happy with our happy day.

My parents were divorced but friendly so I had we had my parents and his parents walk down the aisle before us, then the small wedding party, then my now husband and me. Our priest walked behind us, telling us short jokes. It was fun, nobody gave me away and everybody said they have never seen an entry like that before or since. Kinda proud of that. It was 44 1/2 years ago too. 

[QuiverDance]

There was no who gives this woman away bs at mine. My dad lifted my veil, gave me a kiss, shook groom's hand, and sat down. 

I much prefer the walk down the aisle characterization to the "give away" one, but really... I guess they are both gross. I am pretty traditional, but the older I get the more sensitive I become to patriarchal bs

[Shouldabeenacowboy]

My dad walked me down the "aisle" (in quotation marks because it was an outdoor wedding), kissed me on the cheek, handshake to my husband, and that was it - no giving away or other comments. Worked for us.

Now, to kick this thread even more to the off-topic curb   - my dad was very, very sensitive to me wanting to give up my maiden name and take my husband's last name. Verging on really hurt, actually. He's a pretty "happy-go-lucky", relaxed dude, and I have very rarely seen him be so stuck about something. My mom never took his last name for various reasons, among which she was well known in her profession by her maiden name, and he said it is an outdated custom anyway, and for him it's about not reneging/maintaining our family heritage, culture, identity, etc. through the name. 

I like having the same last name as my husband and potential future kids, and I prefer to take my husband's last name. In order not to offend my dad, we are thinking that, since I currently do not have a middle name, I could legally change my name to have my current last name as middle name, and my husband's last name as last name. Although not 100% happy, my dad seems somewhat appeased by this solution. My husband does not particularly care if I take his last name or not. 

What does everyone else think?

[VelociRapture]

30 minutes ago, Shouldabeenacowboy said:

My dad walked me down the "aisle" (in quotation marks because it was an outdoor wedding), kissed me on the cheek, handshake to my husband, and that was it - no giving away or other comments. Worked for us.

Now, to kick this thread even more to the off-topic curb   - my dad was very, very sensitive to me wanting to give up my maiden name and take my husband's last name. Verging on really hurt, actually. He's a pretty "happy-go-lucky", relaxed dude, and I have very rarely seen him be so stuck about something. My mom never took his last name for various reasons, among which she was well known in her profession by her maiden name, and he said it is an outdated custom anyway, and for him it's about not reneging/maintaining our family heritage, culture, identity, etc. through the name. 

I like having the same last name as my husband and potential future kids, and I prefer to take my husband's last name. In order not to offend my dad, we are thinking that, since I currently do not have a middle name, I could legally change my name to have my current last name as middle name, and my husband's last name as last name. Although not 100% happy, my dad seems somewhat appeased by this solution. My husband does not particularly care if I take his last name or not. 

What does everyone else think?

I think you have a good compromise. If you want to change your name that way, then I say do it. But it has to be what you want - you're the one who is going to carry that name through life, not your dad or husband or anyone else. So make sure it's what you really want.

[Casserole]

1 hour ago, Shouldabeenacowboy said:

My dad walked me down the "aisle" (in quotation marks because it was an outdoor wedding), kissed me on the cheek, handshake to my husband, and that was it - no giving away or other comments. Worked for us.

Now, to kick this thread even more to the off-topic curb   - my dad was very, very sensitive to me wanting to give up my maiden name and take my husband's last name. Verging on really hurt, actually. He's a pretty "happy-go-lucky", relaxed dude, and I have very rarely seen him be so stuck about something. My mom never took his last name for various reasons, among which she was well known in her profession by her maiden name, and he said it is an outdated custom anyway, and for him it's about not reneging/maintaining our family heritage, culture, identity, etc. through the name. 

I like having the same last name as my husband and potential future kids, and I prefer to take my husband's last name. In order not to offend my dad, we are thinking that, since I currently do not have a middle name, I could legally change my name to have my current last name as middle name, and my husband's last name as last name. Although not 100% happy, my dad seems somewhat appeased by this solution. My husband does not particularly care if I take his last name or not. 

What does everyone else think?

I think my dad might also be your dad. He had no sons, and only has sisters whose children took their fathers' name... meaning our last name ends with me. He has encouraged me since I was like 5 that I should keep my last name. Lucky for him, I am established in a career as Dr. "Casserole" and you can't just up and become Dr. "Tater tot" overnight without some confusion and if, by chance, I ever get married I won't be changing it. Depending on the length of future husband's last name, I'd also like to hyphenate my children's last names (unless it's a long name, because it can get ridiculous.) 

[QuiverDance]

On 10/12/2016 at 11:27 AM, Shouldabeenacowboy said:

 

Now, to kick this thread even more to the off-topic curb   - my dad was very, very sensitive to me wanting to give up my maiden name and take my husband's last name. Verging on really hurt, actually. He's a pretty "happy-go-lucky", relaxed dude, and I have very rarely seen him be so stuck about something. My mom never took his last name for various reasons, among which she was well known in her profession by her maiden name, and he said it is an outdated custom anyway, and for him it's about not reneging/maintaining our family heritage, culture, identity, etc. through the name. 

I like having the same last name as my husband and potential future kids, and I prefer to take my husband's last name. In order not to offend my dad, we are thinking that, since I currently do not have a middle name, I could legally change my name to have my current last name as middle name, and my husband's last name as last name. Although not 100% happy, my dad seems somewhat appeased by this solution. My husband does not particularly care if I take his last name or not. 

What does everyone else think?

 

I did this the first time I was married.  I didn't want to change my name, but my ex was INSISTENT that I do so.  That should have been a red flag... but I digress.  Anyway, it was fine, but changing it back has been a pain in the ass post divorce, and his stupid name still follows me around three years later.  

I am getting remarried next year.  The man I'm marrying doesn't want me to change my name at all.  He says I should stay who I am.  He likes me with my own name.  

[candygirl200413]

My twin brother is the only male on my dad's side that can pass on the last name. Me and my sister have already decided we are keeping our maiden names if we choose to get married. I have an already hard to pronounce (unlike my first name which is easily pronounced phonetically my last name has a silent letter before it that I can see can throw people off). My dad could really care less based on the vibes that I've gotten over the years but ever since I learned about marriage and last names and all of that I was like "duh I would totally keep my name!" and seeing that I want a PhD in the near future I would love it to be with my last name.

[freedom_for_all]

On 10/12/2016 at 7:17 AM, QuiverDance said:

There was no who gives this woman away bs at mine. My dad lifted my veil, gave me a kiss, shook groom's hand, and sat down. 

I much prefer the walk down the aisle characterization to the "give away" one, but really... I guess they are both gross. I am pretty traditional, but the older I get the more sensitive I become to patriarchal bs

 

I don't know how they worded it but at my parents wedding my dad's parents walked him down the aisle and then my mom's parents walked her down the aisle. I think it's sweet to have it that way and might do that at my wedding one day.

[grandmadugger]

On 7/1/2016 at 5:16 PM, princessmahina said:

I don't think they'd let me have a table up there-- I'd be getting married in a Catholic church-- and I'm iffy on the "giving away thing." My inner feminist rails at the idea of being "given away" by my father like I'm chattel.  Those are really good suggestions though.

Or maybe I'm just reading too much into it and I should suck it up and do it anyway lol. 

The pastor who married us didn't believe in the giving away the bride. Instead he asked my husband's side if they would accept me as one of their own and the same for my side. 

[PennySycamore]

My youngest daughter wants to retain her maiden name when and if she gets married. We only had daughters and my husband only has sisters so my daughter will get to carry on the name.  

[WhoompThereItIs]

On 10/28/2016 at 0:02 AM, candygirl200413 said:

My twin brother is the only male on my dad's side that can pass on the last name. Me and my sister have already decided we are keeping our maiden names if we choose to get married. I have an already hard to pronounce (unlike my first name which is easily pronounced phonetically my last name has a silent letter before it that I can see can throw people off). My dad could really care less based on the vibes that I've gotten over the years but ever since I learned about marriage and last names and all of that I was like "duh I would totally keep my name!" and seeing that I want a PhD in the near future I would love it to be with my last name.

My friend in grad school didn't want to get married before she got her PhD because she wanted it with her maiden name. Sure enough, her boyfriend popped the question a few months after her defense.

[GoddessOfVictory]

When I was a kid I always wanted to keep my last name as I figured my brother would never have kids and I would be the one to pass the name on. Now that I'm all grown up I really wish I could get married and change it. It's not that it's a bad last name, and I still love my family just as much, but I just don't have a sentimental attachment to it. It's just a name for me, and right now it feels like a vestige of childhood that says "Yes, I'm STILL single". Plus, should I ever have kids, it does not pair well with a lot of the names I like.

Also, since we're on a similar topic, I've been wondering. If two people who have hyphenated names get married, what last name(s) do they use for their kids? I'm sure it would be different for everybody but I just imagine John Anderson-Smith marrying Mary Jones-Johnson and their kid being Sally Anderson-Smith-Jones-Johnson.

Btw, my brother did have a kid - a daughter (though he might have more kids in the future).

[SweetFellowshipper]

I changed my name to my husband's, I just want one name for us and our future kids. I hated my maiden name though, nobody could pronounce it. If I'd loved it, it might have been different! 

[SamiKatz]

I'm very unlikely to get married, but if I did I would keep my last name.  I like it, and it goes well with my first name.  

When my niece and her group of friends got married, they all changed their names, which I found interesting.

[Karma]

By the end of this year I'll have had my married name longer than my maiden name.  Even if I was to divorce, I wouldn't want to go back to my maiden name - I feel no ties to it, plus with two former sister in laws in the same area with that name, I really wouldn't want to draw attention to any relationship with them.  Guess I'd better stay married!

[CrazyCatLady]

I changed mine when I got married. Even though I'm divorced now I've kept his name. My entire professional identity is built on it and I'm too lazy to deal with changing it back!

[JesSky03]

I have an unusual maiden name and grew up having to pronounce it several times and then of course spell it (along with my first name which is gaining popularity but still not common). When I met my husband I literally laughed and almost didn't believe him when he told me his last name- it's a very very common one. I had no hesitations whatsoever taking his name- except now I work in healthcare and anytime I go into someone's chart with the same last name as me I have to tell someone I was in there and am not related which gets annoying, especially when I forget. 

My mom still has my dad's last name even though they've been divorced almost 15 years. Personally I like her maiden name better but she wanted to keep the same name as me and my sister back then. 

[nokidsmom]

On 1/1/2017 at 7:03 PM, Karma said:

By the end of this year I'll have had my married name longer than my maiden name.  Even if I was to divorce, I wouldn't want to go back to my maiden name - I feel no ties to it, plus with two former sister in laws in the same area with that name, I really wouldn't want to draw attention to any relationship with them.  Guess I'd better stay married!

This topic made me realize that I have had my married name longer than my maiden, in fact way longer, for some reason I didn't note this several anniversaries ago.

If I was to divorce, I would not go back to my maiden name, not just for professional reasons but I will admit that I hated my maiden name.  I know it sounds terrible but I hated it.  It's a very unusual name and my FOO celebrates that fact to the point that it's annoying.  One of my cousins just changed her middle name to that same maident name which is certainly her right but frankly I was glad to get rid of it when I got married.  

My inner feminist did briefly consider keeping it when I got married but that was when I realized how much I really didn't like it and went for changing it anyway.  

[ModestisHottest]

I went back and forth a lot about names but I ended up hyphenating my name.  My husband is from Portugal where the normal is to just add your husband's name to the list of last names you already have (most people have 2 or even 3 last names at birth) so it was normal for him that I just add to my name.  I go by just his last name socially but I like that legally I still have both names.

[SamiKatz]

On 1/12/2017 at 0:44 PM, JesSky03 said:

I have an unusual maiden name and grew up having to pronounce it several times and then of course spell it (along with my first name which is gaining popularity but still not common). When I met my husband I literally laughed and almost didn't believe him when he told me his last name- it's a very very common one. I had no hesitations whatsoever taking his name- except now I work in healthcare and anytime I go into someone's chart with the same last name as me I have to tell someone I was in there and am not related which gets annoying, especially when I forget. 

My mom still has my dad's last name even though they've been divorced almost 15 years. Personally I like her maiden name better but she wanted to keep the same name as me and my sister back then. 

 

One of my former roomies had a Swedish last name that she consistently and constantly had to spell out for people, and she happily changed her last name to her husbands - Browne.

[lumpentheologie]

I fully intend to keep my name if I ever get married (and I might marry the bf in a few years). It's a bit strange to me how many of my friends have changed their names...when I was a kid it seemed like it was a dying tradition, at least among feminist-leaning people. But now it seems to be the default again.  As for being able to pass it on, I don't see why kids should get the father's name -- bf and I have agreed that if we have kids at least some of them would have my name.  I knew a few families when I was growing up who gave their kids different last names and I always liked that.