Things Not to Tell Moms with Lots of Kids

[RR88]

A friend of mine posted [link=http://blogs.babble.com/kid-scoop/2012/03/20/15-things-you-should-never-say-to-the-mom-of-a-large-family/?utm_campaign=babbleeditors&utm_content=post&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=facebook.com&pid=4665#slideshow]this link[/link] to Facebook last week, and while some of the questions in the article are truly rude, some of them seem fine to me.

Who do you think faces more hatred and rude questions: women with many children, or women who have chosen not to have any children at all?

[fluttershies]

Women who choose not to have kids ABSOLUTELY have it harder than women who have many children. And I say this as someone who wants kids.

[lilwriter85]

I think the "close your legs" and "were they planned" comments are rude. I agree the rest are ok.

[RR88]

Women who choose not to have kids ABSOLUTELY have it harder than women who have many children. And I say this as someone who wants kids.

I tend to agree. I'm not sure I want to have children. There was a time when I was certain I didn't want any, and my then-fiancé expressed a desire to have them with me someday. I explained to him that any child we might have would be parented by both of us (and not just me), and he swore up and down that he'd be an involved father. When he refused to have anything to do with any small child or baby we came into contact with, though, I knew I would never have his babies. That's a decision I made even when I was still planning to marry him.

[Glass Cowcatcher]

I have multiples and they are absolutely conversation pieces. I'm just of the opinion that it's better not to comment on other people's kids in public if you don't know them.

Most people are well meaning. A lot of people who are or have multiples come up and talk, which is always nice, but some of the questions are rude/redundant. I can't count how many times I've been told "You have your hands full" or asked how they are told apart.

The worst was when they were infants and I would take them shopping in a multiple stroller. Some people would plant themselves in front of us and oggle at the babies, apparently forgetting that shopping with one kid is like shopping with a tiger on a leash, when all I wanted was to get in and out of the store. The worst were the ones who, apparently, felt like it was OK to touch the kids when they were babies, without asking just because there was more than one.

So, putting myself in a mother of many kid's shoes, I would just not say anything and let them get on with their lives.

[Jessica]

I don't understand why people get so wildly offended by "You sure have your hands full!" It's just an observation. If you've got 4+ small kids trailing behind you in a store, you're going to have your hands full. Heck, *I* have my hands full with just one toddler boy. I don't see "You've got your hands full" as any different than saying about a toddler, "Boy he sure is busy!"

[Glass Cowcatcher]

I don't understand why people get so wildly offended by "You sure have your hands full!" It's just an observation. If you've got 4+ small kids trailing behind you in a store, you're going to have your hands full. Heck, *I* have my hands full with just one toddler boy. I don't see "You've got your hands full" as any different than saying about a toddler, "Boy he sure is busy!"

I don't offend it i just get tired of hearing it, I swear someone says it to me every.single.time. i go to the store with kids in tow.

[RR88]

I don't understand why people get so wildly offended by "You sure have your hands full!" It's just an observation. If you've got 4+ small kids trailing behind you in a store, you're going to have your hands full. Heck, *I* have my hands full with just one toddler boy. I don't see "You've got your hands full" as any different than saying about a toddler, "Boy he sure is busy!"

And often (though not always), people will get annoyed if you *don't* bring up their martyrdom as they endure the challenges of parenting several small children. You can't win...

[MadameX]

Women who don't want children are at worst monsters and at best unnatural or unfeminine so, yeah...

[RR88]

Women who don't want children are at worst monsters and at best unnatural or unfeminine so, yeah...

:lol:

[CanadianHippie]

Well, the only one I don't consider rude is the first one. There is nothing rude about acknowledging someone is busy before you bring up a request or an invite. It lets them know that you understand if they have to say "no".

[SealFan1963]

People can be so judgmental and rude. Our oldest has red hair and if I have to hear, "where did the red hair come from" one more time I might scream in that person's face. My daughter's best friend when she was around 4 years old was Chinese, when I would take them places together, I always heard. "Oh is she adopted? My best friend has bi-racial children that she gave birth to and an adopted son. I can't tell you how many times she has been asked if she is their "real" mother. My 13 year old daughter got told she was a whore today because of her shorts, which were fingertip length. Last week when she took the 6 year old neighbor boy to the park she got asked is she was his mother. Another friend who has 7 kids has heard it all including being accused of being a welfare mom with a different father for each kid. She has been married for 16 years and all the kids have the same dad, and she is not on welfare.

Nothing that people say or do surprises me anymore, which is really sad.

[Conuly]

Another friend who has 7 kids has heard it all including being accused of being a welfare mom with a different father for each kid. She has been married for 16 years and all the kids have the same dad, and she is not on welfare

And even were it true, it's not anybody's business but her own.

[muffynbear]

As an unmarried woman with no children, I do get rude questions about it A LOT. A list of rude questions that I've been asked:

"So what do you DO all day?" As if my entire life is rendered worthless because I don't have children. I guess that means I do nothing all day. I guess being childless means I serve no purpose at all and I have no goals. It's like I have some type of disease because I don't want children.

"Why don't you just marry your boyfriend already?" Because I don't feel marriage is necessary. If it ain't broke don't fix it.

"You should have children by now! Children are precious jewels! Your poor mother must want grandchildren." Yes, someone actually said this shit to me. My response: My mother has plenty of grandchildren thankyouverymuch.

"Oh, I know why you don't have kids, it's because you don't want to bring children into this fucked up world. I totally used to feel that way.." Um, no. I just don't want children. Period. Why is that so hard for people to understand? Why is my choice to be child-free a guessing game for people? I really don't get it. I don't want to have a child because I value my sleep, my freedom, and my sanity. I would NOT be a good parent. Just because I can have a child doesn't mean I should.

[CrazySister]

I would NOT be a good parent. Just because I can have a child doesn't mean I should.

Took the words right out of my mouth. If only the fundies accepted the truth of this! Yes, Michelle, that means you.

[Shana]

Similar to the above poster, as a mom of twins I get lots of rude, personal or tired old questions. It's like a script playing out when I'm talking with someone in a store or whatever. But the thing is, I come to expect it, yes they are twins and they are interesting to others bc they don't see twins every day. Just like you don't see families with a whole mess of kids out every day. So passers by will notice you and will likely comment.

[Tator Tot Tubby]

It's incredibly rude to make judgements about a woman based on the number of children she has whether it's 19 or 0. That's her business. Unless of course she preaches that every woman should be doing what she's doing and doesn't raise/mother her own children. If Michelle were a normal woman with a lot of kids, I'd have no real issues with her. It's the belief system and the fact that she doesn't care for her children that makes me judge her. But a woman having no children due to fertility problems or by her own personal choice does not determine the kind of person that she is. And a woman with many children isn't necessarily crazy. And it's not anyone's place to ask her why she has the number of children that she does.

[Sunnichick31]

As an unmarried woman with no children, I do get rude questions about it A LOT. A list of rude questions that I've been asked:

"So what do you DO all day?" As if my entire life is rendered worthless because I don't have children. I guess that means I do nothing all day. I guess being childless means I serve no purpose at all and I have no goals. It's like I have some type of disease because I don't want children.

"Why don't you just marry your boyfriend already?" Because I don't feel marriage is necessary. If it ain't broke don't fix it.

"You should have children by now! Children are precious jewels! Your poor mother must want grandchildren." Yes, someone actually said this shit to me. My response: My mother has plenty of grandchildren thankyouverymuch.

"Oh, I know why you don't have kids, it's because you don't want to bring children into this fucked up world. I totally used to feel that way.." Um, no. I just don't want children. Period. Why is that so hard for people to understand? Why is my choice to be child-free a guessing game for people? I really don't get it. I don't want to have a child because I value my sleep, my freedom, and my sanity. I would NOT be a good parent. Just because I can have a child doesn't mean I should.

Since getting married 5 months ago, I've been asked 4 times when I'm having kids. For whatever reason, people don't get why I get offended by that question. It's none of their damn business!

ETA- Three of those times it was the same person.

[FlorenceHamilton]

I had my twins when my son was 2. For a few years, it was very hectic... Joyously hectic for the most part because I have the temperment to enjoy motherhood. (And a really high maintenence career.) Even though I only have three children, I was still young enough to have more when the three were toddlers and I did get lots of questions. Of course, there is the whole twin thing as some previous posters mentioned. I was never offended by the attention to the twins, except that I had to make a point of making my son feel special if folks did not pay mind to him. Sometimes it was inconvenient to get stuff accomplished. When people mentioned that I had my hands full, I appreciated the comments because I did have my hands full. I got all of the comments that were listed in that article.

That said, there was one time that I got so overwhelmed and upset that I had to go home. We went to the zoo. I was standing at an exhibit of twin tigers who were recently born. There was a fairly large crowd gathered to look at the baby tigers. Then one ofthem gasped, "Oooooh, but look at THESE twins!" And the whole crowd was looking at us. I totally got weirded out and said we had to leave.

[Conuly]

"Oh, I know why you don't have kids, it's because you don't want to bring children into this fucked up world. I totally used to feel that way.."

So now she feels "Ah, screw the kids! By the time they realize how fucked up the world is that they're stuck in they won't be cute anymore and I won't care!", is that it?

[slickcat79]

Well, the only one I don't consider rude is the first one. There is nothing rude about acknowledging someone is busy before you bring up a request or an invite. It lets them know that you understand if they have to say "no".

Yeah...and I can't imagine actually saying any of that stuff to anyone. I definitely don't want to see or touch anyone else's children, and I'm perfectly happy to let them go about their business with zero input from me :?

When I tell people I don't want to have kids, I sometimes get no reaction but it's generally a patronizing, "You'll change your mind" :roll:

[nomi]

I got irritating comments when my two were young because they were pretty close in age, not amazingly close, but I did have two under two for a couple of months. It was annoying.

That said, my friend is pregnant with her fifth baby. She has four boys and since her second son everyone has been making all sorts of comments, most of them along the lines of "trying for that girl?" and of course the required, you know what causes that right?

If someone told me something like that when I was pregnant, they'd be lucky to get out of the situation with their teeth intact.

[ilovetchotchkes]

I'm pregnant now and if I hear one more time "oh ho ho! you're going to have your HANDS FULL" i'm going to scream. Because yes, i have a toddler who is enmeshed in a conspiracy with the dogs (he will feed them out of the fridge) and baby #2 on the way but its hard for a while and then it gets EASIER, its not like, they're toddlers and eating everything they can cram into their mouths (crayons, playdoh et al) FOREVER.

[SayNoToMullets]

"So what do you DO all day?" As if my entire life is rendered worthless because I don't have children. I guess that means I do nothing all day. I guess being childless means I serve no purpose at all and I have no goals. It's like I have some type of disease because I don't want children.

So much this. Let's see - I work, I'm in grad school, I dance . . . I must be so bored without kids.

[1CrazyMama]

Just today I was in the grocery with my 3 children, 5 and under. I got the normal "You must be so busy" type comments, 1 "They grow up so fast, so enjoy them" and, the most bizarre "Oh, she's the oldest" pointing at my middle child. I said "No, she's the second" and the guy argued with me!

Seriously I had to pull out birth dates to convince this man that my second child was actually younger than my oldest.

People confuse me.