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"Mom of Many," mother of 15 children (13 adopted). Writes about being hated by her children.


Rachel333

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http://momofmany.net/

I'm just curious what you all think about this. She writes a lot about having a negative relationship with her children (apparently some have publicly written about how much they hate her, and some don't even acknowledge her as their mother) and how many of them are on the "ROAD TO DESTRUCTION."

"When Your Child Publicly Hates You"

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Do you have a child that publicly hates you?

Do they tell everyone around them stories of cruelty, abuse or favoritism? Do they post nasty comments about their upbringing on Facebook to try to garner sympathy and the “Aww, you poor thing, no wonder your life is a mess.” comments? Do they paint you as a monster that got joy from making their lives miserable? Do they desire to hurt you because their bitterness drives them to it?

In case you are one of many parents experiencing the hate that children who have become adults often dish out, I want to offer you hope. This is a temporary situation and one day they will, with God’s help, have their eyes opened and reconcile those deep seated conflicting emotions.

In this old post she writes,

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I have no doubt that when I get to the point of this posting, I will experience much public dishonor from the child that has chosen to dishonor her mother by pouting online when she should be repenting in private. But I also believe that much good can be accomplished by avoiding the “mamby pamby religion” of the world by addressing a sin pubically that has been committed publically. (“Them that sin rebuke before all, that others also may fear.” I Timothy 5:20) Although this doesn’t say the sin must be a public one before we rebuke publically, I try to stick with the advice I was once given, “Praise publically, rebuke in private.” The Internet has complicated relationships by exposing the world to private concerns by those who do not have the wisdom to keep “private” things “private” (that’s why they’re called “private”).

I have some children whom I have adopted that are not living for God. We as parents set the right example, told them of our wonderful God and His provision, love and care, advised them against evil and helped them in every way we knew possible to live clean, God pleasing lives. We were successful with some and with others, not so successsful. Though I know we are only called to be faithful and rely on God for the results, we have had many a broken heart over some of our children’s choices to live for themselves.

Some of these children had hearts that were tainted before God took them out of the world and planted them into our family. They had experienced sin in a way as small children that haunted them throughout their days with us and on to adulthood. Though we showed them a loving, healing God, the time in our home apparently was not enough to bring a complete transformation. We were tough disciplinarians for we knew we were obligated to address each and every sinful behavior in order to keep our house in order, but we also provided loving acceptance – not of their sin, by any means, but of them as a person. Unfortunately, the bitter, wayward ones only remember the discipline and assign responsibility to us for it, but that is only a sinful, immature response to their own guilt and consequences for their sinful choices.

In this post she says,

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If you have adopted, stop feeling guilty, disappointed or abandoned if your child has not met your expectations. You are the top 1% of humanity! 

She doesn't believe parents should ever apologize to their children.

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Occasionally we will run across someone that felt offended or was hurt unintentionally and they will harbor feelings of ill will. If they are not mature enough to put it in the past and leave it there, then is when you say, “I had no intention of offending you, but I’m sorry if you felt that way.” If it was over a good decision that they didn’t like, add, “But I stand by my decision.” This can be applied to our children as well.

If you’ve done your best as a parent because you wanted the best for your child, then don’t apologize. It’s simple. Don’t enable your child if they cling to a corrupted memory of the past. They don’t always remember correctly or may be searching for an excuse for their poor behavior (probably both). If you apologize for good parenting, you only enable their immature thought process and undo all your past work.

It’s amazing the growth you can see in a person when they stop blaming others. Stand firm by your conviction that you were/ARE a good and faithful parent. Make them see the truth through the boundaries that you set – by your confidence in your parenting.

She includes an article from Hephzibah House (which has been horribly abusive to "wayward girls") on parental authority. It's all about how you shouldn't believe "rebellious' children who say they've been abused.

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Rebellious sons and daughters are capable of giving slanted news to whomever they can find who would have a sympathetic ear. A fallen nature in rebellion toward God-given parents will have great creativity in describing the weaknesses and failures of their parents, but will be strangely silent about their own failures. Anyone listening to a youngster describe the faults of his parents needs the sagacity and perspicacity of Solomon!

Our fallen nature is quick to "choose sides" and be offended at supposed injustices suffered by a son or daughter at the hands of "tyrannical parents." In our pride, we believe we could have done better with this child, and find ourselves unwittingly playing the part of Talmai (Absalom's grandparents) rather than following Scriptural principle.

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We expect the unregenerate of this Satanically dominated world to undermine parental authority. In fact, it is happening in a pervasive way today via the educational system, welfare authorities and other social agencies. 

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God has established the various organizations of authority in this world: family, human government and the church. It is a clear violation of his mandated lines of authority to undermine a parent by siding with that child against his parents. To take up the cause of a child in rebellion against parental authority is to implicitly say that God has made a mistake in giving those specific parents to that child. What pride and audacity to suppose I can improve on the family circle God has established!

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It is no excuse that a rebel has sought you out for help. In fact, if a rebel seeks your assistance, it is very likely you yourself are a rebel because rebellious hearts have "rebel radar," and will instinctively seek out those with whom they have a compatibility.

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By your very interference with and supplanting of God-ordained parental authority, you may be the very tool Satan uses to prevent this youngster from coming to true repentance.

As a disclaimer, I don't doubt that many of her kids did/do genuinely have some serious issues, and I do think that good parents can have some of the issues she describes, but I really don't get a good vibe from her.

She also has a much more active DIY blog: http://lovemydiyhome.com/

And she and her husband are cofounders of a holster company. http://www.adarkholsters.com/about-us/

Their bio:

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Mark and Val Frania, co-founders of Adark Holsters make up the "ark" in Adark Holsters. Once the Constitution came under attack the Franias felt it their duty to exercise their Second Amendment rights. It seemed a contradiction to voice concern over losing a right that they had not yet exercised. Hence, firearm training became a priority. Mark is Adark's creator and marketer of the leather goods. Val is the graphic designer and webmaster for AdarkHolsters.com.

 

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33 minutes ago, Rachel333 said:

We were tough disciplinarians for we knew we were obligated to address each and every sinful behavior in order to keep our house in order,

Crux paragraph......

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What an absolute and utter gem. I'm sure someone as reasonable as her was never cruel to any of her "interesting" (wtf, lady?!) children. 

Nice of her to also use Hepzibah House to undermine abused & traumatized children and their right to speak their truths.  Right up there with, "I knew it was godly because Michael Pearl told me it was!"

/sarcasm

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58 minutes ago, Rachel333 said:

To take up the cause of a child in rebellion against parental authority is to implicitly say that God has made a mistake in giving those specific parents to that child. 

These are adopted children right? So presumably her deity screwed up with the parents they were born to, why not again with the ones the State then gave them to?

1 hour ago, Rachel333 said:

In fact, if a rebel seeks your assistance, it is very likely you yourself are a rebel because rebellious hearts have "rebel radar," and will instinctively seek out those with whom they have a compatibility.

That is actually freaking terrifying. Don't believe a child who comes to you for help, don't act on information because that will prove you are a rebel? 

1 hour ago, Rachel333 said:

If you have adopted, stop feeling guilty, disappointed or abandoned if your child has not met your expectations. You are the top 1% of humanity! 

So the couple where they drove themselves and their adopted kids off the clifftop were paragons of humanity. Yeah, right.

I love how some of these people use a one size fits all approach, and are apparently surprised when it fails on them.

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Ohhh I don't know if I can read this woman's stuff. Just reading the quotes made me feel weird all over. I've been told I don't remember things correctly from my younger days. That I was too sensitive. That I was rebellious. And this bitch says you shouldn't help "rebels" if they come to you? She sounds like a slave-owner in the South who wants her runaways back so she can whip them some more. 

I don't even know if what I just typed made sense. One of the worst feelings is coming to someone, telling them what the problem is that you have with them, and having it turned back around so that it's your fault. This woman sounds like a gaslighter and control freak. Those poor kids.

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She is utterly abominable and clearly and loudly the worst kind of "Christian." In this post, she mentions her son's writings about his missionary times in Uganda...you know, where LGBTQIA+ are now persecuted horribly: http://momofmany.net/when-your-child-hurts-you-parenting-tip-45/  

Spoiler

My first son and I have something very in common. We write our best articles when we feel passionate about something, especially if that something hits us in our emotions. Yep. We’re emotional beings and occasionally another being will hit our emotional nerve and cause us to sort things out until we feel we sufficiently understand them or can at least put it behind us.

(If you’d like to see his writings about refugees and his newest adventure in Uganda working with communities go to AndrewFrania.com. You will be blessed.)

So, if you’ve gotten this far and plan to continue reading, I’ll get specific and to the point. 

Let’s break it down and then I’ll address my topic.

(1) One of my adult kids just spent 2 days attacking me via text. Blindsided me actually. Out of the blue. I still have no idea why. It just happened. One minute I was holding my new grandson for the first time while out of town visiting him and his family and the next I was looking down at a text that totally obliterated my “new grammie feeling.”

For just a moment. A millisecond actually. I chose to compartmentalize that moment and willed myself to take myself back to that moment of bliss, blocking the cruel punch to my grammie bubble.

It’s something I’m learning and am getting pretty good at. Most of the time. For the most part. OK, sometimes I’m able to do it.

After our “grammie meeting new baby” trip was over, I questioned the texter as to the why of the attack and it just spiraled to an all out “beat up mom for no reason” texting extravaganza. I decided it was going nowhere, so I asked my DH to handle it for me. He’s such a good doobie. I seldom ask him to step in, but I was getting nowhere and just wanted it to stop. It was ruining my day and just adding to the mound of stress I already had been battling.

It continued into the next day – one text after another. This time it was at work and I needed to focus on my job, not this ranting from the abyss. I warned that it must stop and gave my ultimatum: be kind and respectful or I would block any communication using that handy, “block caller” check box. I’ve never done it before. But sometimes “ya just gotta do what ya gotta do.”

Are you like me? Do you check your texts in between your busy moments to see what’s going on in your little world and then get a sick, heart turning upside down, kinda feeling when you read something negative? What if you kept getting negative, mean or spiteful messages every time you looked at your phone for two days straight?

How long do you let it go on? Do you thrive on derision? I don’t.

I am happy to help someone in trouble, lift someone up that’s down. I thrive on meeting needs and encouraging others. But sometimes you just can’t help. Sometimes people are just hell-bent on destroying others because they themselves are unhappy. I don’t get it, but it does happen. That is the case here. I came to realize that whenever something negative or hurtful or disappointing happens to this individual, they immediately text and dump on me. Most of the time I can take it. Most of the time I can talk them through it and find out what happened and help them navigate their way through it.

But this time it was different. I was their emotional punching bag. Right. Mom always loves you. You can do whatever you want to her and she will always love you. Well, yes, this is true. BUT…

This time it was different because no reasoning worked. No questions were answered as to why the attack. There was no foundation for the spewed hatred being typed into words via text. The rant just kept coming. All day. All night. The next morning. So I blocked said attacker. I warned. It continued. I blocked. But that’s not the end of the story. It yet has to play out.

 

Now let me tell you what happened after that moment when the attack stopped (on my end, probably not on their end). But I couldn’t hear it because I checked that little box, “block caller.” Sometimes you just have to remove yourself from the path of destruction for your own safety.

But it gets better. At least it did for me. I mentioned I talked to 8 more of my kids that day. I suppose I am more blessed than others because when one hurts me, I still have 14 others that I can look to. And good percentage of those 14 are kind and loving toward me, consistently.

That's not even the entire post, but her ability to forgive herself while simultaneously blaming adult children for their own trauma is pretty amazing. This woman is incredible in all the worst ways.

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21 minutes ago, Lisafer said:

One of the worst feelings is coming to someone, telling them what the problem is that you have with them, and having it turned back around so that it's your fault. This woman sounds like a gaslighter and control freak. Those poor kids.

Is she related to the mother? 

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OK, I just read the entire "When Your Child Publicly Hates You" post and have a couple of thoughts:

1. Ironic that she says that her "interesting" children blame others and never accept responsibility for their own problems when that is EXACTLY what she is doing.

2. Why the HELL did this woman and her husband keep adopting troubled children after their first experience? The normal, loving parents' response to a traumatized child in the home is to focus on how best to help *that child*, not on bringing in as many more equally traumatized children as will fit in the house. 

3. This post must be read to be believed. She is utterly, completely unable to see her own behavior from the outside. Choice quote: "There has not been another mother in history that has had as much patience or forgiveness for a child as I have, nor has there been another that has given as much." http://momofmany.net/a-knee-jerk-response/

Edited to add #3. Hard to type with my jaw on the floor. 

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Just wondering who held the gun to her head and forced her to adopt all those “interesting” children.

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She wrote this in a comment on the "parental authority" post:

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The thing that really took the pressure off of us as parents was when they turned 18; if they messed up, were disrespectful or causing others in the family to be at risk, then we could just tell them they had to move out. If you boot out a child under 18, then the Social Services dept. could make your life miserable. Our youngest just turned 18, so we have been liberated from the whole parental responsibility thing.

The comment about social services making your life miserable if you kick out a minor child is weird. It sounds like she would have done that if it were legally an option.

She basically compares herself to Jesus in this post, "What if my kids go astray."

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Adoption is like salvation; we picked them up out of the pit, dusted them off, and set them on their feet on the Rock. That Rock is Christ. Some of them have stepped back into the pit; some have stayed on the Rock. Some are making their way back to the Rock; some are making plans to jump off the Rock.

Some of her children think she's "abusive and evil." From this post:

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You will find some who are critical and accuse you of not being fair to your kids, but you still must decide what is right and follow through. They won’t have to answer for your parenting, you will. So do your best to train them, meet their needs and tailor your discipline to their personality and abilities. You might even have children who think you were abusive or evil because you insisted on proper behavior and disciplined them for disobedience. They only remember the pain of the discipline, not what they did to warrant it.

She shares a "funny story" in this post:

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Funny story (though I didn’t think it was funny at the time…a couple of my “interesting children” would complain in anger that I yelled at them about something they had done. Looking back I knew I had not yelled, yet that is how they termed that moment when I called them on their behavior after they were caught disobeying. It took me a couple of times of being accused of this to realize that they processed my stern look and verbal chastising as “yelling at them”.

In reality, they were describing the feeling they got when they were being called on the carpet for their wrong doing. I knew I had not yelled, yet it translated in their brains as “yelling.” This was amusing to me because I had made a concerted effort NOT to raise my voice. Years later I also realized that some children who have emotional issues have a hard time processing the emotions that are running through them in times of stress (especially when caught doing wrong), so they mislabel them and often accuse others rather than looking inward. Sadly, some are still doing this as adults.

 

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Aside from being a totally self-absorbed mother, she's awful at DIY.  Her "redone" furniture looks worse than the before.  She buys secondhand, decent wood furniture.  Instead of taking the time to strip and refinish the pieces, she just slaps on coloured paint. Its so lazy and the results are so cheap looking.  Yuck.

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Per this post, she does have one good adopted daughter, so that's nice.

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Many have asked me, and I have asked myself, “Why do you adopt kids that are a risk?” Well, I guess if I just had children by birth, I would have an easy life, yes, but if I take in kids who have no one and laiden with problems, perhaps a good work could be done through us by God.  Of course there are the exceptions. I have one adopted daughter that was a blessing from the first minute we laid eyes on her. From her very first moment of understanding she wanted to know and serve the Savior. We look at her as a gift from God – kind of a pre-reward for what He was going to ask us to do in the future and to sustain us through the tough times. 

That same post starts out:

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The Jewish people were supposed to walk in faith as a testimony to God’s grace and greatness, but instead they were prideful and lifted themselves up as “The Chosen of God.” 

 

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1 hour ago, VVV said:

Why the HELL did this woman and her husband keep adopting troubled children after their first experience?

I think that's answered by:

27 minutes ago, Rachel333 said:

 I take in kids who have no one and laiden with problems, perhaps a good work could be done through us by God

Expecting gratitude from children is.. a poor approach shall we say. 

A better question would be why the hell she was approved to adopt so many children, particularly from high risk backgrounds - I cannot see that she could possibly be able to give them the kind of attention needed. Up to 4 or 5, maybe, but double digits no way.

30 minutes ago, Rachel333 said:

I guess if I just had children by birth, I would have an easy life,

And she can fuck right off. Hey lady, maybe your God didn't want you to have children because you were an abusive arsehole. Get off your martyrdom hill and get some self-awareness already. If so many of your kids are having issues with you then perhaps it's time to wonder if you are in fact the problem.

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Oh wow. In this post she outlines the three types of kids with FASD she's raised. Type 1 is "frustrating to live with" and "empty and sinful." Type 2 lives life "with a careless abandon" and is "very  shallow" and "very self-absorbed." But Type 3...

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The third category of FASD children is the type that is causing adoptive families to fall into peril. I believe Satan is priming his Last Day’s army using this third type. They are the ones with no conscience. They can stare you in the face and tell you they didn’t do something even though you are holding the evidence right in front of them. They set people up to get hurt and enjoy watching the pain they’ve inflicted. They are right and everyone around them is wrong. They will keep going in their self deceit until either they, or the one standing in their way of what they want falls and they really don’t care which one it is – them or you. They can rise to any occasion and put on any face that will get them what they want. They think they are tougher than everyone else and are in perfect control of their actions when it suits their needs. They truly believe every false word that comes out of their mouth. 

The moment this child realizes their physical dominance, the end has come in the parent’s ability to control this child’s behavior. There is no pliable heart that can be won. These are the kids who may eventually be labeled “sociopath” and will probably end up in jail. The Bible calls these children, “scorners.”  In their mind,they are the center of the universe and everyone ought to serve them. All of their bad behavior is written off as justified because they believe they have been unfairly treated. They only remember the discipline, not their behavior that warranted the discipline. Not only will they tell others they were abused when they were not, but they will gloat to others that they “got Mom and Dad in trouble.” These children are very good at twisting the truth and telling it  in a believable manner. They are very confused and deluded individuals who can be a danger to anyone that gets in their way.

In this post she talks about a weekend boot camp she sent her son to. He wrote:

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I guess I can start out by saying God is good. For the past 6 months I have not been doing too well. I have been doing bad things and have been going down hill since. I’ve been disrespectful, disobedient, rebellious, etc. to my parents and thinking I was the only one that was right. I have been a fool, doing the same things over and over again and getting in trouble for it. This is where every thing changed. My mom was talking to a lady and found out about a camp called Midcourse Correction Challenge Camp – it was just like a boot camp and it was hard for me physically but I made it. I passed and I graduated during the process.

I was there and God spoke to me. I learned to listen to authority, not be disrespectful, and not be a fool, so in the process I learned a lot. Most importantly, my eyes were opened and I got saved. I am a totally different person. I’m a newborn Christian and I’m the most excited person ever. I’m so glad I went and I encourage you from my heart – if you are one of “ME” or what I used to be, or if you know someone like that, I strongly encourage you to go to Midcourse Correction Challenge Camp. It will change your life just like it did mine, but it’s your choice, so choose God and your life will be totally different.  ~ Jonathan

I googled the camp and found this recent review on Yelp

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READ FIRST !!!! Hi my name is Jack and I went to bed course when I was only 15. you guys want an honest review I'm not going to give you some saying it was great were everything to give me the full on Spectrum. To understand why I went there I was actually pretty good it's just I just use tobacco  and Mild disrespect.  which I wouldn't think it's that bad. 
Mid-course Corrections is basically a legal way to abuse your child your kid will get hurt and some way if that guy broke his arm there and had to be sent home I see with my own eyes. your kid will get mentally scarred and verbally abused and physically abused if you want your child to get hurt abused have nightmares after 2 weeks after it then I think it's a great place to send them I'm being sarcastic you don't want your kid to be hurt abused or any kind of discomfort you go to bed at 2 a.m. and wake up at 4:30 I mean seriously .Sleep deprivation and constant pain I was sore  so bad took me a week to recover I couldn't even stand up out of my chair after it I had to get assistance with my parents just to get out of my chair. if you love your child and you want your child back get a psychologist to help them understand why are they doing that instead of yelling at them it's a lot cheaper. If your child has to get sent back there they have to wear a backpack full of lead it's at least 50 lb I never wore the backpack but this one kid had it was sleep with it and go wherever he went I feel bad I feel so bad for him. 
in conclusion don't send your kid here if you wanted to get hurt cuz they will get hurt

And on google reviews:

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My friend went there in January and told me everything. My is the most honest person the only bad thing is did was have some vodka when we went squatting had a cigarette. It is gopnik culture. His parents overreacted and thrown into a boot camp there my friend was abused forced to do horrible acts he vomited from all the exercise And forced labor. Starvayshion Going to bed at 2:30 in the morning and waking up at 4:00 a.m. so sleep deprivation extreme labor. I am writing review so people make the best Best decision in boycott this camp of abuse depression PS my friend struggles with depression and suicide thoughts from this camp.

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My experience was very traumatic. To this day i am still struggling to cope with the PTSD this camp gave me. I’ve been through a number of different places that help me get reduce this trauma, but so far none of them have worked. I don’t think it is possible to get rid of the trauma from this camp, which is why I would never consider sending your child here. This trauma affects my everyday life and everything I do- all I get is flashbacks. No more good grades, no boyfriends, just flashbacks. I’ve never experienced something worse in my life.

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My 15 year old sister went to the Otisville location this past weekend. We were called from the camp on Sunday morning at 7 to let us know she was vomiting blood and that we should probably come get her. They did not allow her to take a drink of water or anything. We proceeded to take her to the hospital, she was swollen from head to toe could not walk because her joints were so swollen. The doctors are saying that this happened in the span of TWO days of intense shock to her body. I know it was our choice to send her here but we thought they would teach her how to handle her anger, not to put her straight to the hospital...she will never be going back there, and you can bet I will do everything I can to let others know they are not what they say they are.

 

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I have no doubt these children were extremely challenging. I’ve know children like this. Their behavior is very difficult to handle. And I imagine dealing with it for years takes a toll. With that being said, “why the fuck did you keep adopting one after another after another?!?!” Part of why it was so difficult for you is because you had SO MANY. Even having 15 children without special needs would be too much! You brought this on yourself! And I’m disturbed that you would be allowed to adopt this many. 

I admit that I looked around the blog and agreed with some stuff she said. It’s weird. I will be reading and thinking, “yes, I agree.” And then boom! She pulls the savior godly bullshit and I’m like wtf?! It seems she may have 10 or 11 children she still has a relationship with and 4 that never communicate with their parents. Basically cutting them off. 

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9 hours ago, Rachel333 said:

You might even have children who think you were abusive or evil because you insisted on proper behavior and disciplined them for disobedience. They only remember the pain of the discipline, not what they did to warrant it.

What is it about this woman that makes me think a LOT of physical "discipline" child beating is involved?   And notice what produced the discipline: disobedience.  Did she mention being rebellious as well?  All fundy buzz words that "require"  beating children. 

And yes, there is an essential oils tab (YL) on her website. 

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I remember reading an article about a family that had 2 bio kids and adopted like 18 others.  Most of those kids had very little chance of ever being adopted. 3 were very medically fragile and weren’t supposed to live until adulthood. There was a group of like 5 teens no one wanted. So basically this family knew they were may be taking on too much, but they felt like they had to since no one else would. They also admitted to making a lot of mistakes. But I don’t think any of their kids hate them. Although one is in prison and some others are leading hard lives. 

Its a stark contrast to this woman. Who has 4 children cutting off contact. This woman says all the children were adopted at age 9 and under. I’m sorry but they were not the last resort for some of these kids. I understand less people are willing to adopt older children, but I highly doubt no one was willing to adopt the littler ones. None were medically fragile and none were past age 9. It’s possible some of these children could have found another family that would have been a much better fit. It really makes me wonder why they allowed these people to adopt so many. 

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18 hours ago, Lisafer said:

Ohhh I don't know if I can read this woman's stuff. Just reading the quotes made me feel weird all over. I've been told I don't remember things correctly from my younger days. That I was too sensitive. That I was rebellious. And this bitch says you shouldn't help "rebels" if they come to you? She sounds like a slave-owner in the South who wants her runaways back so she can whip them some more. 

I don't even know if what I just typed made sense. One of the worst feelings is coming to someone, telling them what the problem is that you have with them, and having it turned back around so that it's your fault. This woman sounds like a gaslighter and control freak. Those poor kids.

I still hear, to this day, that MY memories are faulty from my childhood.  And that I was (and still m) too sensitive and rebellious.  You are not alone there.  And I also agree with your take on her.  My mother was very good at gaslighting

 

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Time for one of my all-time favorite quotes:

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You listen to me. You say you don't want to tell me how to live my life. So what do you think you've been doing? You tell me what rights I've got or haven't got, and what I owe to you for what you've done for me. Let me tell you something. I owe you nothing! If you carried that bag a million miles, you did what you're supposed to do! Because you brought me into this world. And from that day you owed me everything you could ever do for me like I will owe my son if I ever have another. But you don't own me! You can't tell me when or where I'm out of line, or try to get me to live my life according to your rules. You don't even know what I am, Dad, you don't know who I am. You don't know how I feel, what I think. And if I tried to explain it the rest of your life you will never understand. 

1

When you choose to have kids, you OWE them your best. That includes apologizing to them whenever appropriate. You don't get to then bitch about how you were this amazing savior and they don't appreciate you. Nope. Because if you did your damned job right, they WILL appreciate you.

Remember the saying that if everyone has a problem with you, then the problem isn't them: It's you? Sure, good parents can have terrible kids (and vice versa, btw). But when you're publicly griping that multiple children hate you and tell similar tales about their upbringing, I'm going to guess that it's not your kids who are the terrible ones. 


 

26 minutes ago, CelticGoddess said:

I still hear, to this day, that MY memories are faulty from my childhood.  And that I was (and still m) too sensitive and rebellious.  You are not alone there.  And I also agree with your take on her.  My mother was very good at gaslighting

 

Please, please read "Toxic Parents." It was life-changing for me.

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17 hours ago, Rachel333 said:

(Quote from Mom of Many, not Rachel333!) The thing that really took the pressure off of us as parents was when they turned 18; if they messed up, were disrespectful or causing others in the family to be at risk, then we could just tell them they had to move out. If you boot out a child under 18, then the Social Services dept. could make your life miserable. Our youngest just turned 18, so we have been liberated from the whole parental responsibility thing.

My three kids are 23, 21, and 17. The 23-year-old has launched, but the 21-year-old and the 17-year-old require appropriate amounts of financial and emotional support. We're still their parents. I cannot imagine kicking an 18-year-old out on the street for what--disrespect? There are ways to handle that before going straight to the nuclear option. The only circumstance I can imagine under which we might ask a young adult child to move out would involve substance abuse and/or physical risk to others in the household.

She seems to think of a child's 18th birthday as her get-out-of-jail-free card.

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7 minutes ago, VVV said:

My three kids are 23, 21, and 17. The 23-year-old has launched, but the 21-year-old and the 17-year-old require appropriate amounts of financial and emotional support. We're still their parents. I cannot imagine kicking an 18-year-old out on the street for what--disrespect? There are ways to handle that before going straight to the nuclear option. The only circumstance I can imagine under which we might ask a young adult child to move out would involve substance abuse and/or physical risk to others in the household.

She seems to think of a child's 18th birthday as her get-out-of-jail-free card.

I haven’t read a lot of her stuff but it is possible one of their children was physically violent. That’s not actually unheard of with children who were abused and neglected for years and have special needs (she’s said her kids were diagnosed with a lot of different things like FAS, RAD, ODD, ADHD, APD, and many others. So if she was afraid the 18 year old would get physical with the siblings or parents, I can understand. I really don’t like this woman, but like I said in my prior post, I hate that I can agree with her on some things and think she’s an asshole in the next sentence.

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1 hour ago, polecat said:

Time for one of my all-time favorite quotes:

When you choose to have kids, you OWE them your best. That includes apologizing to them whenever appropriate. You don't get to then bitch about how you were this amazing savior and they don't appreciate you. Nope. Because if you did your damned job right, they WILL appreciate you.

Remember the saying that if everyone has a problem with you, then the problem isn't them: It's you? Sure, good parents can have terrible kids (and vice versa, btw). But when you're publicly griping that multiple children hate you and tell similar tales about their upbringing, I'm going to guess that it's not your kids who are the terrible ones. 


 

Please, please read "Toxic Parents." It was life-changing for me.

I'm going to check that out.  Thank you!

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39 minutes ago, JermajestyDuggar said:

I haven’t read a lot of her stuff but it is possible one of their children was physically violent. That’s not actually unheard of with children who were abused and neglected for years and have special needs (she’s said her kids were diagnosed with a lot of different things like FAS, RAD, ODD, ADHD, APD, and many others. So if she was afraid the 18 year old would get physical with the siblings or parents, I can understand. I really don’t like this woman, but like I said in my prior post, I hate that I can agree with her on some things and think she’s an asshole in the next sentence.

That's why I said "physical risk to others in the household" was one of the few reasons I could imagine asking an 18-year-old to leave. But the Mom of Many's quote seemed to imply that if she felt her adult child was behaving "disrespectfully," she would kick them out for that, which is what I found horrifying. Honestly it reminded me of the old version of Lisa at the Penningtentiary, only worse--Lisa didn't kick her adult children out; she just treated them like younger children by grounding them for such misbehavior as missing a 7:30 AM breakfast.

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