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Never ever think of pink elephants! (or Every Man's Battle)


JaChelle Sugar

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Stupid purity culture. I'm reading Fred Stoeker's Every Man's Battle. This is even dumber than the last book I tried to read (Josh Harris's Not Even A Hint) and posting chapter by chapter, paraphrasing the fundyspeak into honestyspeak. Exact quotes will be in italics.

This book says that God demands perfection in the 'area of sexual purity'. I know you depraved man brutes out there just can't help yourselves and your wandering eyes and hands, but God demands perfection! Perfection means never ever thinking of pink elephants sex outside the context of marriage. This journey will be long, it will be hard, possibly bigger than you've ever taken on, and you cannot cut corners in your journey toward getting an Instant Kill Switch for your sexuality! But you'll get there if you buy my shit. I and my manly friends have achieved the IKS.

If you don't try, scary things will happen and not because of the unhealthy messages that the purity culture peddles, oh no, feeling shame for things like masturbating or accidentally enjoying a flash of cleavage is normal. You filthy sinner you. Except I was a filthier sinner than you! But I fixed myself relationship with God. You can't feel God's love if you're still sinning. God won't really accept you the way you are--he may not actually punish you, but he'll sure give you the silent treatment until you change for him. And remember, God's relationship with us is the model for our romantic relationships too, so pay close attention.

P.S. Ladies! I haven't forgotten you exist in relation to these pervs! I'm including a helpful paragraph at the end of every chapter to help you attempt to wrap your naturally-chaste, non-visual minds around the long, hard task your man faces every day! I know you can't ever really understand and you will definitely be shocked at the things you read about us sexual creatures known as men. But helping him, understanding him, giving him a hand in his daily wrestling match with his own penis lust is all that matters to you, amirite? Plus you need to pay attention so you notice when I tell you how to dress.

eta: riffles

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Stupid purity culture. I'm reading Fred Stoeker's Every Man's Battle. This is even dumber than the last book I tried to read (Josh Harris's Not Even A Hint) and posting chapter by chapter, paraphrasing the fundyspeak into honestyspeak. Exact quotes will be in italics.

This book says that God demands perfection in the 'area of sexual purity'. I know you depraved man brutes out there just can't help yourselves and your wandering eyes and hands, but God demands perfection! Perfection means never ever thinking of pink elephants sex outside the context of marriage. This journey will be long, it will be hard, possibly bigger than you've ever taken on, and you cannot cut corners in your journey toward getting an Instant Kill Switch for your sexuality! But you'll get there if you buy my shit. I and my manly friends have achieved the IKS.

If you don't try, scary things will happen and not because of the unhealthy messages that the purity culture peddles, oh no, feeling shame for things like masturbating or accidentally enjoying a flash of cleavage is normal. You filthy sinner you. Except I was a filthier sinner than you! But I fixed myself relationship with God. You can't feel God's love if you're still sinning. God won't really accept you the way you are--he may not actually punish you, but he'll sure give you the silent treatment until you change for him. And remember, God's relationship with us is the model for our romantic relationships too, so pay close attention.

P.S. Ladies! I haven't forgotten you exist in relation to these pervs! I'm including a helpful paragraph at the end of every chapter to help you attempt to wrap your naturally-chaste, non-visual minds around the long, hard task your man faces every day! I know you can't ever really understand and you will definitely be shocked at the things you read about us sexual creatures known as men. But helping him, understanding him, giving him a hand in his daily wrestling match with his own penis lust is all that matters to you, amirite? Plus you need to pay attention so you notice when I tell you how to dress.

eta: riffles

My mind went to the bad place when I read the bolded. Forgive me.

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Too funny this topic came up. My hubby and I are moving and in the mist of packing I found 2 copies of said book. I was like why the heck do you have 2 copies of the book. He was all I ended up taking the class twice and it came with the class materials. My response because I am such a smart ass most of the time I was like why the hell did you take it twice if the first time it didn't take. He was all I don't know and I think he was a little embarassed and annoyed at the same time. His old church was notorious for these make yourself fill like crap and take a class to make something normal seem bad and wrong. I only took one class at his former church and it was the "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" seminar which we both found to be all kinds of annoying. If anyone has time it makes for great snark material. The guy made me and my husband want to :angry-banghead: and we were both annoyed we paid for the series. Of course they never make it easy to get a refund and make you think you are :cray-cray: if you don't love the sterotypical annoying crap they are trying to brainwash you with. Sorry for the side rant just wanted to share.

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This journey will be long, it will be hard, possibly bigger than you've ever taken on,

I see what you did there.

Tell us more about this uplifting, fullfilling, turgid, throbbing book.

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I see what you did there.

Tell us more about this uplifting, fullfilling, turgid, throbbing book.

Because I have the mind of a 12 year old boy, my first thought was that's what she said.

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It's really quite cruel what the fundie mentality does to preteen boys too. These poor hormornal boys can't even get release from Rosie Palms and her 5 friends. No wonder they are so sexed up all the time.

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It's really quite cruel what the fundie mentality does to preteen boys too. These poor hormornal boys can't even get release from Rosie Palms and her 5 friends. No wonder they are so sexed up all the time.

How do they know who they are attracted to if they never allow themselves to think about sex? Some of these young men might not find out that they are asexual, bisexual or homosexual until they are married. There was a time in my adolescents when it felt like all I did was wonder about sex. Masturbation kept me from flunking out of highschool. :lol: :?

Some of these young men have parents who went to public school, dated and grew up doing evil things like trick or treating. They want to remove options from their children in the hopes of creating super Christians who never do anything against their faith because they don't have a chance to go against mom or dad.

They base the belief that a person should never ever ever think a dirty thought on Jesus's words in the gospel. These people understand that Jesus used a lot of hyperbole and yet they don't see his entire statement about never lusting after a woman as hyperbole

You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell." - Matthew 5:27-30

None of them cut off their arms or gouge out their eyes and yet they believe that their god really wants them to do the impossible when it comes to thinking sexy thoughts.

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  • 3 weeks later...
It's really quite cruel what the fundie mentality does to preteen boys too. These poor hormornal boys can't even get release from Rosie Palms and her 5 friends. No wonder they are so sexed up all the time.

teenage boys are pressured to not masturbate ever ever until their married and maybe not even then (depending on who you ask). and yet after a lifetime of (at least trying for) no masturbation, after marrying suddenly sex becomes a 'need'. makes zero sense.

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Snort!! Giving him a helping hand in the wrestling match with his penis? Bahahahahaha did he really say that?

sadly no, sorry i was unclear, i'm paraphrasing almost everything to make it more truthful, not to mention more entertaining. i don't mean to make the book sound more entertaining than it is.

i put actual quotes from the book in italics but now i realize whenever anyone quotes a post here on FJ it's all in italics so I'm gonna put my quotes from the book in boldface. does that make sense?

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How do they know who they are attracted to if they never allow themselves to think about sex? Some of these young men might not find out that they are asexual, bisexual or homosexual until they are married. There was a time in my adolescents when it felt like all I did was wonder about sex. Masturbation kept me from flunking out of highschool. :lol: :?

Some of these young men have parents who went to public school, dated and grew up doing evil things like trick or treating. They want to remove options from their children in the hopes of creating super Christians who never do anything against their faith because they don't have a chance to go against mom or dad.

They base the belief that a person should never ever ever think a dirty thought on Jesus's words in the gospel. These people understand that Jesus used a lot of hyperbole and yet they don't see his entire statement about never lusting after a woman as hyperbole

None of them cut off their arms or gouge out their eyes and yet they believe that their god really wants them to do the impossible when it comes to thinking sexy thoughts.

In mainline Protestant world and not-crazy Catholic world, that passage is used to teach people that you should not objectify people as merely existing for your own sexual use/pleasure.

I heard a Jesuit priest speak about such issues once. He said that he tells people who claim to be fundamentalists that they are lying because they still have both eyes and all their fingers, toes, and limbs. :lol:

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silly louisa, taking Jesus's words so literally. if you were REALLY 'in the spirit' you'd understand those passages ACTUALLY mean 'if you feel tempted to think dirty thoughts you're a dirty person for even feeling temptation but a MILLSTONE should be hung around the neck of the person who forced you to feel that temptation'. and you would understand this if you studied the greek/hebrew/understood the historical context/insert scholarly thing here.

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Blasphemy! How can you even think of taking guidance from anything other than the inspired Word of God itself, that is the KJV?!

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  • 2 months later...

Chapter 1. You most be perfectly sexless outside marriage and inside it except for your wife. Now I shall describe in lascivious detail a jogger I perved on once. I was visually unfaithful and that's the problem, not that I was objectifying women.

A hint will separate you from god! Never mind the verses saying otherwise. If you enjoy lingerie ads, you have a monster in your life. Same goes forhinking of or enjoying double entendres. Premarital sex will lead you to juggle multiple girlfriends at the same time, lying to all of them! You're hopeless but there's hope because Jesus.

[b/]

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Aaah, The every (insert gendered group here)'s battle. We had to look into the young woman's battle thing when I was in high school. Did you know that masturbation is a sure fire way to be a big ol slut before you get married, and afterwards, you'll never find sexual fulfillment in your marriage? According to this book, its true! :roll:

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Stupid purity culture. I'm reading Fred Stoeker's Every Man's Battle. This is even dumber than the last book I tried to read (Josh Harris's Not Even A Hint) and posting chapter by chapter, paraphrasing the fundyspeak into honestyspeak. Exact quotes will be in italics.

This book says that God demands perfection in the 'area of sexual purity'. I know you depraved man brutes out there just can't help yourselves and your wandering eyes and hands ...

This is the kind of crap that made me -- a woman -- insanely insecure for a good chunk of my life. After all, men can't help but have all the mind sex (which is just the same as actual cheating, don't you know) every time they encounter an attractive female.

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Aaah, The every (insert gendered group here)'s battle. We had to look into the young woman's battle thing when I was in high school. Did you know that masturbation is a sure fire way to be a big ol slut before you get married, and afterwards, you'll never find sexual fulfillment in your marriage? According to this book, its true! :roll:

Ooops, missed that in high school. Will now tell my husband of 15 years that I'm actually unfulfilled.

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This journey will be long, it will be hard, possibly bigger than you've ever taken on,

I'm really sorry, but this made me giggle. :D

ETA: I see I wasn't the only one. :D

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I don't think masturbation is the reason I'm unfulfilled. I think it has more to do with being promised that Jesus was coming before I grew up. Then... He didn't. Now I have to live my life, and I don't know how.

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I don't think masturbation is the reason I'm unfulfilled. I think it has more to do with being promised that Jesus was coming before I grew up. Then... He didn't. Now I have to live my life, and I don't know how.

:(

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They base the belief that a person should never ever ever think a dirty thought on Jesus's words in the gospel. These people understand that Jesus used a lot of hyperbole and yet they don't see his entire statement about never lusting after a woman as hyperbole

None of them cut off their arms or gouge out their eyes and yet they believe that their god really wants them to do the impossible when it comes to thinking sexy thoughts.

A Jesuit priest speaking to a workshop for Catholic school teachers I was once at said that whenever he meets someone who claims to be a fundamentalist Christian, he asks why they still have both eyes and hands. :lol: Predictably, he reported that they never get the point of that question.

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I think of pink elephants only when I drive by the former site of Pink Elephant Liquors on US 113 in Dover, DE. It was a cinderblock building that was painted yellow and pink elephants painted around the building.

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Chapter 2: impurity was the reason I knew nothing about treating women right. I spent a year in marriage class learning about women. Bit the thongs I learned only applied to Christian women, not any of the girls I dated. I didn't date for a whole year! After that god awarded me my future wife. We didn't have premarital sex but we [strikethrough]kissed[/strikethrough] engaged in lip smacking. Mmmmm. Then we married and our sex life was awesome because we waited. Bit I wasn't perfectly sexless outside my marriage and so I and everyone was paying a price. I was paying a price, my wife was paying a price, my church was paying a price, my children could be paying a price. Yes, [strikethrough]I[/strikethrough] am that important. But there's good news! I applied more Jesus and he installed my libido kill switch. I no longer feel temptation to perv on so much as a single sexy picture of any woman not my wife! I don't have to fight because there are no desires to fight--and you too can acquire a libido kill switch too. Just apply more Jesus! Also read the rest of this book.

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I don't think masturbation is the reason I'm unfulfilled. I think it has more to do with being promised that Jesus was coming before I grew up. Then... He didn't. Now I have to live my life, and I don't know how.

OMG, you too?

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