Never ever think of pink elephants! (or Every Man's Battle)

[singsingsing]

Aaah, The every (insert gendered group here)'s battle. We had to look into the young woman's battle thing when I was in high school. Did you know that masturbation is a sure fire way to be a big ol slut before you get married, and afterwards, you'll never find sexual fulfillment in your marriage? According to this book, its true! :roll:

Erm, wouldn't it be the opposite? If you're masturbating you're getting sexual fulfillment from something other than sex, and then in the mean time you're getting to know your own body and what works, and thus are more likely to have a satisfying sex life with your husband (or whomever) later on. Oops, logic!

[Trynn]

OMG, you too?

Wait, really? I thought I was the only one... Did you also grow up seventh day Adventist?

[JaChelle Sugar]

Chapter 3 pt 1:

sexy thoughts make you feel bad, very bad. As they should. They are bad! They make me feel bad! Don't they make you feel bad too?

Sexual immorality is all around you! It's pervasive in the culture.

Forrest gump is unsuitable for children because of the sexual content. Not to mention if you see a sex scene you will most likely replace your wives face with the actresses face and unfavorably compare your wife to her. You'll at least be tempted which is almost as bad.

Normal teenage masturbation is actually sex addiction. You have every right to get enraged at women who don't dress to your standards, and though its wrong wrong WRONG to only see women as collections of curves, its because you're lusting, not because you're objectifying and dehumanizing those women.

[JaChelle Sugar]

Chapter 3 pt 2:

Here's a man whose horrifying addiction is that he has sexy dreams about the athletes he pervs on. Heres another man who just can't help watching hotel porn. And yet another man who loves exercise shoes, who is "compelled to watch, to cat h the closeups of the buttocks, breasts and especially the inner thighs, and I lust and lust and lust."

These men with these terrible problems are all around us.

[Marianne]

Sexual immorality is all around you! It's pervasive in the culture.

Forrest gump is unsuitable for children because of the sexual content. Not to mention if you see a sex scene you will most likely replace your wives face with the actresses face and unfavorably compare your wife to her. You'll at least be tempted which is almost as bad.

Seriously, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm in love with my girlfriend, she's beautifull, but hey, it's so much better to imagine that you are having sex with Kaya Scoddelario/JLaw/Rose Leslie !

[JaChelle Sugar]

Chapter 3 pt 3: (Exact quotes underlined.)

If you experience strong sexual cravings, you probably have a sex addiction. Now don't get us wrong there's a difference between sex addiction and sex drive. Sex drive is when you want married missionary position sex with the lights out. Sex addiction is any other form of sexual expression or desire.

Men, you must fight your penises desires daily! This is the part where we lump pedophilia in with masturbation, sex work or being gay. You are addicted to sex and sex stuff! Really!

Time for more positively lecherous descriptions of how you and me and lots of men lust after women (never other men). Maybe it's true that when you and a woman reach a door simultaneously, you wait to let her go first, but not out of honor. You want to follow her up the stairs and look her over. Maybe you've driven your rental car to the parking lot of a local gym between appointments, watching scantily clad women bouncing in and out, fantasizing and lusting--even masturbating--in the car. Maybe you can't stay away from Sixth Avenue, where the prostitutes ply their trade. Not that you'd ever hire one. Or maybe you don't buy playboy at home, but when you're on a business trip, you just can't help yourself. This is ONLY to help you fight your lust! There's no way these descriptions could fuel that terrible awful feeling in your pants. Are you aroused right now? That's so WRONG! You are in a sexual prison! Don't you feel it? Sin separates you from God, never mind those verses that explicitly say otherwise! You don't want to be like Rick who goes out of his way to admire the secretary's cleavage, or Sid, who 'races home' in order to peep on and masturbate to his sunbathing neighbor, do you? Do you? And remember, if you admire another woman's attributes, you are dragging problems into your marriage!

Now, ladies, aren't you just SHOCKED? Of course you are! None of you have anywhere near this level of sexual desire, not based on visuals anyway. You all get aroused by touch, and emotions, and relationships. Not like us beastly men, who lustfully take advantage of you in our dirty dirty minds. Yes, ladies everywhere are SHOCKED when they hear how lustful men are.

[Rescinded and Mended]

Chapter 3 pt 3: (Exact quotes underlined.)

If you experience strong sexual cravings, you probably have a sex addiction. Now don't get us wrong there's a difference between sex addiction and sex drive. Sex drive is when you want married missionary position sex with the lights out. Sex addiction is any other form of sexual expression or desire.

Men, you must fight your penises desires daily! This is the part where we lump pedophilia in with masturbation, sex work or being gay. You are addicted to sex and sex stuff! Really!

Time for more positively lecherous descriptions of how you and me and lots of men lust after women (never other men). Maybe it's true that when you and a woman reach a door simultaneously, you wait to let her go first, but not out of honor. You want to follow her up the stairs and look her over. Maybe you've driven your rental car to the parking lot of a local gym between appointments, watching scantily clad women bouncing in and out, fantasizing and lusting--even masturbating--in the car. Maybe you can't stay away from Sixth Avenue, where the prostitutes ply their trade. Not that you'd ever hire one. Or maybe you don't buy playboy at home, but when you're on a business trip, you just can't help yourself. This is ONLY to help you fight your lust! There's no way these descriptions could fuel that terrible awful feeling in your pants. Are you aroused right now? That's so WRONG! You are in a sexual prison! Don't you feel it? Sin separates you from God, never mind those verses that explicitly say otherwise! You don't want to be like Rick who goes out of his way to admire the secretary's cleavage, or Sid, who 'races home' in order to peep on and masturbate to his sunbathing neighbor, do you? Do you? And remember, if you admire another woman's attributes, you are dragging problems into your marriage!

Now, ladies, aren't you just SHOCKED? Of course you are! None of you have anywhere near this level of sexual desire, not based on visuals anyway. You all get aroused by touch, and emotions, and relationships. Not like us beastly men, who lustfully take advantage of you in our dirty dirty minds. Yes, ladies everywhere are SHOCKED when they hear how lustful men are.

Um, yeah. This guy has bigger problems than worrying about porn, masturbation, or people having sex outside of marriage. He sounds like he's done terrible things to women, or at the very least, wants to try.

Now I can't help but wonder where this guy lives, and if there are any unsolved sex crimes in his area potentially involving him that should be investigated.

[JaChelle Sugar]

Chapter 4:

Our maleness brings us a natural vulnerability to sexual sin. You will NEVER outgrow your sexual sin, and marriage will not cure it! My friend Mark thought he would be free from Satan's evil temptation boners once he got married. Because obvs after you get married you get to have sex whenever you want. But nope, years later he complained that he has 'unmet sexual desires' and his wife didn't want to do some things he wanted to do because to her they were embarrassing or 'immodest' or even (horrors) 'kinky'.

Marriage is no sexual nirvana! Partly because Satan, and partly because men and women are just sooooo different, especially when it comes to sex. Men, you see, receive love from sex. Women receive love from girly stuff like touching, communicating and feelings stuff. The frequency of sex is less important to women than to men. Men are like 'SEX! I MUST HAVE THE SEX!' while women are like 'Eh, sex is nice sometimes, but I'd rather talk about our feelings'.

And sometimes, after you get married you might discover there's something wrong with your wife preventing you from getting teh sex you NEED. Your wife might have something wrong with her vagina, she might be sick for months, or she might be a manipulative career bitch uninterested in giving you sex when you want it, where you want it and as often as you want it. But despite you NEEDING sex, you aren't allowed to masturbate. Ever. And if you are masturbating while reading this book you are a disgusting pervert and marriage will DEFINITELY not fix you.

Remember, jerking off or eyeing hot babes or any of those sex things will mess up your relationship with God! Yeah, he loves you as you are, but you sure aren't gonna get his best if you're not perfect! Because perfection is God's standard. Never mind that our own holy book says that only Jesus was perfect. You have a sin nature, but you are still CHOOSING to be 'impure' and you can choose to be perfect too! Remember Lampwick in Pinocchio? He knew he was evil so that little shit deserved the lifetime of pulling coal as a donkey. Likewise you know you choose to be rebellious against God's standards of perfection, and you'll deserve the price you'll eventually pay too.

Don't mix God's standard and your standard! Remember how it turned out for the Israelites when God told them to completely genocide the Canaanites, and they didn't completely genocide them? The terrible consequences were that they mixed with the pagans and blended the cultures a little. Then they ended up losing the Promised Land anyway. The point of this story is this: you might lose your salvation if you aren't perfect! When we entered the Promised Land of our salvation, we were told to eliminate every hint of sexual immorality in our lives. Since entering the land, have you failed to crush sexual sin? Every hint of it? If not, have you coe to the point of loathing yourself for that failure? If that's where you are, there's hope for you. Because if you can't be perfect (and you better be perfect), you should at LEAST have some serious self-loathing to partly make up for your lack of perfection.

Now I will throw lots of Bible verses at you that seem to support what I'm saying. I have no idea what historical or literary context is, and of course I haven't looked up the Greek! What do you think I am, one of those edumacated types who thinks too much?

Look, God will get mad if you have unauthorized boners, he made your body only for married sex, you don't want to be like pagans in passionate lust , you should shun any Christian who doesn't adhere to your God's standards, and if you do things like initiate a makeout session in the backseat of a car, Jesus has got a boner to pick with you!

[JaChelle Sugar]

Also that bit about masturbating in the gym parking lot is suspiciously specific. Methinks its a true story? Ick Ick Ick.

[JaChelle Sugar]

Chapter 5: pt 1

Excellence is not good enough! You must be perfectly obedient. For example you must never tell white lies. Even to your wife who is insecure about her post-baby body. Or like, my church has an awesome music program and massive attendance, but most congregant's didn't want to come to 7 straight nights of prayer. Or that time we had an intercessors group meeting where we interceeded.

It's really not good to fit in socially. You don't want to look like the unsaved masses do you? Of course you dont. It's better to hang out with those nonchristians than the Christians because the Christians are too much like the nonchristians. Got it?

Now lets talk about the Right Response. Something something about josiah and how he was a good godly king who did as he was told. Now, your right response is to make a covenant! Free Libido Kill Switch with signup! Reading this book will eliminate all lust in your life! No more fighting a daily battle.

Teenager James would not make this covenant. He said "there are too many unforeseen situations out there for me to make such a promise." Isn't that terrible?

[karen77]

Chapter 2: impurity was the reason I knew nothing about treating women right. I spent a year in marriage class learning about women. Bit the thongs I learned only applied to Christian women, not any of the girls I dated. I didn't date for a whole year! After that god awarded me my future wife. We didn't have premarital sex but we [strikethrough]kissed[/strikethrough] engaged in lip smacking. Mmmmm. Then we married and our sex life was awesome because we waited. Bit I wasn't perfectly sexless outside my marriage and so I and everyone was paying a price. I was paying a price, my wife was paying a price, my church was paying a price, my children could be paying a price. Yes, [strikethrough]I[/strikethrough] am that important. But there's good news! I applied more Jesus and he installed my libido kill switch. I no longer feel temptation to perv on so much as a single sexy picture of any woman not my wife! I don't have to fight because there are no desires to fight--and you too can acquire a libido kill switch too. Just apply more Jesus! Also read the rest of this book.

Is Jesus like a face cream or something? Preparation H?

[Trynn]

I WISH there existed a libido kill switch

[Rachel333]

I don't think masturbation is the reason I'm unfulfilled. I think it has more to do with being promised that Jesus was coming before I grew up. Then... He didn't. Now I have to live my life, and I don't know how.

Jesus hasn't come yet, so neither should anyone else?

I do actually know the feeling, though. As a kid when we'd talk about future careers and plans it would often be qualified with "if Jesus hasn't come yet." My 84-year-old grandmother still refuses to make any plans for the future because she believes Jesus will come back before she dies.

I WISH there existed a libido kill switch

SSRI's work quite well for this...

[eightykatie]

This is a fabulous way to experience this bizarre book. I just wish this thread came with every copy!

[Magdelope]

As entertaining as I find this, it's also very worrying and dysfunctional. :/

Ick, ick, ick.

Especially all his examples. O.o

[Trynn]

Jesus hasn't come yet, so neither should anyone else?

I do actually know the feeling, though. As a kid when we'd talk about future careers and plans it would often be qualified with "if Jesus hasn't come yet." My 84-year-old grandmother still refuses to make any plans for the future because she believes Jesus will come back before she dies.

SSRI's work quite well for this...

Every single SSRI I've tried also makes the room spin. Granted I've only tried 3 of them, but it's still not a food track record.