Another re-homing blog story

[chrysalis]

devinrose.heroicvirtuecreations.com/blog/2013/11/13/a-bittersweet-adoption-story/comment-page-2/#comment-441905

Hope I broke the link. Put in a www. in front.

[tigerchild]

I appreciated the fact that they emphasized that "consider adoption" should not be a mandate, that they advocate for preserving birth order/NOT adopting when you plan to pop out a bunch of babies right afterwards, that you cannot just blindly trust that a 'non special needs' adoptee will not have unique needs. And that they're not blaming everyone but themselves.

Oh, and that no, adoption is NOT just like having bio children. I also like that according to them they're maintaining contact/go on visits/ect.

Now, they could be lying or whatever, but frankly, this seems to be a 'best outcome' for a crappy situation, unlike some of the other stories on here of children being thrown away, pimped out on Christian message swap and shop boards, or thrown into a facility that has no professional staff on it with no contact with their sibs.

[dianapavelovna]

I agree. I have some misgivings, but I always do when I read stories like these. The fact that they had the children adopted through proper legal channels, as well as the fact that they maintain contact with the children, speaks well of them.

I'm assuming that the "severe mental illness" he keeps referring to is RAD. I am always skeptical of RAD diagnoses because so many adoptive parents use it to label kids and throw them away. Since the kids are now reportedly thriving, it sounds to me that it wasn't RAD - it was the birth of the bio child interfering with the attachment of the adopted kids.

[dianapavelovna]

from the comments:

Mike says:

November 19, 2013 at 10:27 pm

My name is Mike. My wife and I have 2 adopted children. The youngest is 8 and is a healthy, beautiful, thoughtful, smart, caring, loving boy that I love with every ounce of my being. The oldest is 12. He was 5 months old when we had the opportunity to adopt him. We learned that his Bio mother had been the victim of a violent conception followed by her husband leaving her when she decided to carry the baby to term, leaving her pregnant and with another small child. We did not understand and were not told of the possibilities that surrounded him both mentally and physically. I turned out that he had no physical challenges, but the mental side of the equation has destroyed our lives. It soon became apparent to my wife that there was a problem. Melt downs, screaming, putting hole in the walls,..etc..etc..etc. We took him to Cook Childrens Hosp in Ft Worth where the had us put him in an Intensive Outpatient Program at another facility, to get his medication stabilized to control the moood swings et al. THey kicked us out of the program when he returned due to the high med levels he was put on. Neighbors called Child Protection Services on us, and life continues on this path to nowhere. He was 7+ before we were able to find competent mental health help after moving to Denver. Then he was diagnosed as having Bi-polar Disorder, strong ADHD, a significant cognitive disorder, and ODD (Oppsitional/Defiant Disorder). When the Psychatrist saw the reports defining all this, his response was “OMG, His challenges place him in the 95th percentile for the most difficult children there areâ€. He takes about 17 pills a day which gets him throught the school day but mornings and evenings are often hell. It is almost non-stop. In the last 6 months he has broken his brothers arm and bitten my wife hard enough to leave a 4″ diameter black and blue bruise. We are prisoners to this child. When we decided to adopt my wife knew and stated that she could not deal with a special need child, yet here we are. Family doesn’t really understand because they don’t see the real behaviors. Even I did not believe or understand the severity of things for a long time, because I “get to go to work each dayâ€, while my wife suffers. My wife suffers from PTSD and has spoken of suicide, I battle depression daily and have a great deal of guilt for what this has done to her/us. We do not know where to turn. We are slowly dying. The state has a residential care program but the “family portion†of that care is $700+ /month which we can’t do. The only other state option is to attempt to give him to the state, part of which requires that were are officially declared “negligent parentsâ€. If I knew where to begin I would try to find him a family that can give him what we can’t. A happier life. I Love my son, and I hate my son. GOD What a horrible place to be.

Am I to understand that this kid is taking seventeen psychotropic drugs? That's absurd, and will hurt him more than help him, IMHO. There's a lot going on here, and of course changing his meds alone is unlikely to solve the problem, but I couldn't get past that. Medicating the snot out of difficult kids really gets me going, especially when it's not even fucking working.

[GawkingToo]

from the comments:

Am I to understand that this kid is taking seventeen psychotropic drugs? That's absurd, and will hurt him more than help him, IMHO. There's a lot going on here, and of course changing his meds alone is unlikely to solve the problem, but I couldn't get past that. Medicating the snot out of difficult kids really gets me going, especially when it's not even fucking working.

It said he's taking 17 pills, not 17 different drugs. Some of those drugs he might take more than one pill of, in order to get the right dosage. Some he might be taking more than once a day. And some might not be psychotropic at all, but instead might be intended to alleviate the side effects of the psychotropic drugs. And who knows, that might be including supplements too. I take about 7+ pills a day when you include all the supplements my psychiatric nurse practitioner has me taking, but only 3-4 of those are psychotropic prescriptions. (The number isn't exact because when I'm taking samples from the psychiatrist's office, I take two of a lower dose, but when I get my pills from the pharmacy I take one of the higher dose.)

Which isn't to say that 17 pills is nothing. Just to put it into perspective and clarify a bit.

TLDR: The guy wrote that his son takes 17 pills a day, not 17 different psychotropic medications.

[salsa]

I do believe that their hearts were in the right place and I do understand their difficulties.

... however ...

despite the presumption that their biological children would not have such issues because they were born without drugs and alcohol, and that their biological children would have had a stable and nurturing home from the start, if it were one of their biological children that had severe issues, would they give him/her up?

When he said the twins' behavior affected his bio son, it made me wonder if there were a preference. If his bio, neuro-regular, son was also adopted, would he feel the same way?

If this difficult, special-needs child were born to you in the regular way, would you give him/her up?

[dianapavelovna]

It said he's taking 17 pills, not 17 different drugs. Some of those drugs he might take more than one pill of, in order to get the right dosage. Some he might be taking more than once a day. And some might not be psychotropic at all, but instead might be intended to alleviate the side effects of the psychotropic drugs. And who knows, that might be including supplements too. I take about 7+ pills a day when you include all the supplements my psychiatric nurse practitioner has me taking, but only 3-4 of those are psychotropic prescriptions. (The number isn't exact because when I'm taking samples from the psychiatrist's office, I take two of a lower dose, but when I get my pills from the pharmacy I take one of the higher dose.)

Which isn't to say that 17 pills is nothing. Just to put it into perspective and clarify a bit.

TLDR: The guy wrote that his son takes 17 pills a day, not 17 different psychotropic medications.

All true. The kid could also have a separate medical condition that requires medication. The wording - "he takes 17 pills to get him through the school day" - made me think they were all targeted at mood/behavior/etc. I did think that perhaps he takes some meds twice a day, but even halving to 7 or 8 is too many psych meds, again assuming they all mind-altering. Who knows.

[Kat-rat]

They live in CO and should look into the cannabis plant "Charlottes Web". The oil will not get anyone "high" but controls rage, autism and seizure better than any medication. They just need to get a card and a doctor to prescribe.

What a horrid situation for them.

[Mama Mia]

They live in CO and should look into the cannabis plant "Charlottes Web". The oil will not get anyone "high" but controls rage, autism and seizure better than any medication. They just need to get a card and a doctor to prescribe.

What a horrid situation for them.

It's certainly worth a try. But Cannabis, like any medication, has different effects on different people. I'm not at all against medical cannabis, I know several people it has helped immensely, including young people with mental health issues, but it isn't anymore a cure all for everyone than anything else...natural or chemical. The large advantage of course is that side effects are not going to be fatal.

And like any other medication there is often trial and error needed with type, dosage, etc.

[chaotic life]

Honestly, it is clear that the oldest child has problems. She reminds me of an autistic child NOT a RAD child. When I read stories like this, I always wonder....what would these people do if the child in question had been born to them? Would they still consider rehoming an viable option? Adoption, particularly from the foster-care system where at risk families reach a crisis point requiring the state to intervene has a high risk of children with mental health issues, not because they have RAD but because those with mental health issues are more likely to be in crisis situations where forcible removal of children comes into play. (Go read Denise Richard's letter to the court for Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen's twins if you think it's about poor people or adoptees only.)

I really do believe that far too many adoptive couples confuse mental health issues with adoption. The two are commonly associated but are not guaranteed to go together. Mental health issues are mental health issues, and the mental health system in this country is HORRID and it's even worse for children than for adults. The mental health system in this country is the most at-risk population. Parents of children with mental illnesses are JUST AS AT RISK regardless of how those children entered their home.

I've had three children with mental health issues. My oldest biological child has significant mental health issues, despite having a charmed life. Mothering that child has EVERYTHING to do with why I never confused mental health issues with adoption issues with my other kids. Yes, it so happens that two of the four adoptees have had mental health issues. Both of their issues were exacerbated by the chaos and abuse they suffered, but both would have had mental health issues regardless of the adoption.

That said, there are times and places when children and families cannot work through the issues. There is a right way to face that dilemma and there are a lot of wrong ways. What breaks my heart is when a family that did everything "right" reaches that point, they align themselves with those who callously abandon children. This family sought out YEARS of therapy and support. When they finally decided it was time, they carefully screened the families, they moved them in a positive way, they waited for the children to be ready and they have remained in those children's lives as a peripheral support so the children did not fully lose them.

That is NOT how the vast majority of children are moved. It is not the mere idea of rehoming that I deplore, but the treating children like chattel and giving up rather than fighting for them.

[anachronistic]

Chaotic Life - I completely agree with you that the kid sounds autistic, not RAD. The line that cinched it for me was that he doesn't behave that way around extended family, only immediate family, so the relatives don't know how hard it is. Autistics are often able to keep it together for a short period of time but then lose it from the stress and strain of trying to conform in front of others, but only lose it in front of people they trust. Autistics also respond *very* differently than 'regular' people to psychiatric drugs. We get side effects that nobody else does - if it's in the '5% of people get X', we'll be in that 5%, every time. Poor kid..........

[bucherwurm]

Such a sad story. I wonder if things would have been better if they didn't end up adopting the older sister. Not that it matters now. I hope those kids are happy where they are.