Children and Divorce

[Feberin]

My stepmother thinks it's very rough for kids. She made a comment once that the reason I never had my stepbrother's problems with drugs is because I was lucky enough that my mother died instead of my parents divorcing. At the time I disagreed with her because I would love to have my mother alive. But I did have two parents who loved each other very, very much and one of my strongest memories from when she died is how upset my father was about loosing her. Perhaps it's not the divorce but all the stuff leading up to a divorce that causes issues. I think everybody responds to changes in their lives in their own ways. For some people a divorce or death or big move or any number of things that happen in our childhoods might be the start of major issues and depression. Others will take it in stride.

[Jinger Jar]

My husband was legally separated from his first wife while she was pregnant with their daughters; the divorce was finalized while the girls were toddlers. They have zero memories of their parents being married, but 10 years on they're still in therapy to help them deal with their mother's attempts to maintain a relationship with their father through conflict and drama. Unfortunately, she's a master at using her children as weapons. It cost my husband tens of thousands of dollars in attorney and court fees and the girls immeasurable amounts of fear, anxiety and distress before the judge was convinced that she's very, very mentally unstable and ordered limited, supervised visitations with their mom.

So it wasn't the toxic marriage or the divorce that threw my stepdaughters for a loop; it was how their parents coped with being divorced that's harmed them.

[Phoebe]

I was 5, my sister 3, and our brother 1 when my mom and dad divorced due to dad's cheating with my now-stepmom. I was devastated (a lifelong "daddy's girl" who didn't take the loss of day-to-day life with Dad very well at all). My sister and brother weren't affected by the divorce as much as the "children as weapons deployed to hurt the other parent" bullshit that my parents (all three of them) pulled.

It's been 30 years and it just keeps going...

[Wolfie]

My stepmother thinks it's very rough for kids. She made a comment once that the reason I never had my stepbrother's problems with drugs is because I was lucky enough that my mother died instead of my parents divorcing.

So, why does it explain that my cousins with the biggest drug problems also have fathers who had drug problems. I'd be more curious if your stepbrother's dad had drug or alcohol problems before I'd consider divorce at all a cause. (FWIW, neither of the cousins with drug problems had their parents divorce as children. One had his parents divorce after he was an adult, the other's parents never divorced, but my uncle died about 7 or 8 years ago. Both the divorce and death occured AFTER the cousins had started using drugs.) Now, my cousin who grew up with divorced parents, may be pretty immature, but he has no drug or alcohol problems.

[Dark Matters]

So, why does it explain that my cousins with the biggest drug problems also have fathers who had drug problems. I'd be more curious if your stepbrother's dad had drug or alcohol problems before I'd consider divorce at all a cause. (FWIW, neither of the cousins with drug problems had their parents divorce as children. One had his parents divorce after he was an adult, the other's parents never divorced, but my uncle died about 7 or 8 years ago. Both the divorce and death occured AFTER the cousins had started using drugs.) Now, my cousin who grew up with divorced parents, may be pretty immature, but he has no drug or alcohol problems.

Interesting. My sister and BIL have never had substance abuse problems (unless you consider cigarette smoking a form of substance abuse) and yet all three of their kids ended up with addictions or emotional problems. All three dropped out of school (earning their GEDs later) and none can seem to hold onto jobs. I have been living in an apartment in their home for the last four+ years so I hear all the fights between BIL and the kids, between BIL and Sis and all I can think is if they had gotten divorced fifteen years ago, when my sister was first thinking about it, they would have all been a lot happier and maybe those kids wouldn't be so screwed up today.

[Feberin]

So, why does it explain that my cousins with the biggest drug problems also have fathers who had drug problems. I'd be more curious if your stepbrother's dad had drug or alcohol problems before I'd consider divorce at all a cause. (FWIW, neither of the cousins with drug problems had their parents divorce as children. One had his parents divorce after he was an adult, the other's parents never divorced, but my uncle died about 7 or 8 years ago. Both the divorce and death occured AFTER the cousins had started using drugs.) Now, my cousin who grew up with divorced parents, may be pretty immature, but he has no drug or alcohol problems.

Nobody else in the family has had problems. However he did turn his life around and now has a successful career. Of course she made the comment back when he was at a very low point. I'm not sure if his parents divorce caused his issues or not but I think my stepmother liked having something to blame for it.

[alba]

It seems like the current trend is to do 50/50 custody of the kids. I'm not a big fan of that arrangement, I think it's unfair to have kids bouncing back and forth between houses every week. Imagine if you as an adult had to live out of 2 homes. That has to be rough. My son has a friend whose parents are divorced and do 50/50 custody, to further complicate things the mom has a boyfriend and he has kids. So basically the kids live out of 3 homes--because Mom takes the kids to "live" over at boyfriend's house on her weekends. At some point it just becomes insane. I think kids need stability, and they need one place to lay down their head and call home. If I ever got divorced I would not seek 50/50 because I don't think it's fair to the kids. I think sometimes what's best for the kids get lost amongst what's fair for the grown ups.

Apparently Jon and Kate Gosselin's kids live in the family home with the parents switching every week. IMO this makes far more sense than the kids going to different houses (though would be complicated if either parent remarried and had more kids), and could even be more financially feasible for "normal families" for each parent to get a small apartment and split one mortgage than to pay for a family-sized house each.

That said, the 50/50 in the same house isn't without problems. If one parent is strict and the other is more laid-back, the kids have one week where they're being nagged to do their homework and the next where they're watching TV till midnight, and they need stability in more ways than just where they call home.

[Flossie]

When the divorce was first announced that is what Kate said in interviews, but it never happened. Actually, Jon isn't allowed on the property. There was a big issue when someone with a camera was waiting at the gate that stopped people from driving down her driveway when Jon came to return the kids after a visit. He drove up and pressed the intercom button and said something to someone, then opened up the sliding side door of the van to get in and say goodbye to the kids. One of them was screaming that they didn't want to go and several of them were crying. Jon got a bit testy with them, presumably because he didn't want camera's to catch that scene. Then a woman arrived and opened the gate, came out and got in the drivers seat and drove away with the kids, closing the gate behind her. The scene ended with Jon walking back down the road a bit and getting in the passenger side of a car that one of his friends was driving. Then they drove off together.

Kate also said that they would be trading off on who had the kids for holidays, but so far she's had an excuse every holiday to keep them for herself.

[alba]

When the divorce was first announced that is what Kate said in interviews, but it never happened. Actually, Jon isn't allowed on the property. There was a big issue when someone with a camera was waiting at the gate that stopped people from driving down her driveway when Jon came to return the kids after a visit. He drove up and pressed the intercom button and said something to someone, then opened up the sliding side door of the van to get in and say goodbye to the kids. One of them was screaming that they didn't want to go and several of them were crying. Jon got a bit testy with them, presumably because he didn't want camera's to catch that scene. Then a woman arrived and opened the gate, came out and got in the drivers seat and drove away with the kids, closing the gate behind her. The scene ended with Jon walking back down the road a bit and getting in the passenger side of a car that one of his friends was driving. Then they drove off together.

Kate also said that they would be trading off on who had the kids for holidays, but so far she's had an excuse every holiday to keep them for herself.

Ah, OK, my bad. I don't follow the Gosselins and haven't ever seen their show, so I was just going off something I read somewhere. Kate sounds like a rather unpleasant person who's not all that interested in her children's wellbeing, though.

[Trynn]

Im not sure I believe that statistic. My parents are still married, and I struggle with drugs. My cousins parents... Well, they forgot to divorce, but her dad went to jail, which ended he romantic relationship, so it's really the same thing. Anyways, my cousin stays far far away from drugs.

Her problems come less from the divorce and more from what her father did to her, anyway.

[desertvixen]

My parents divorced when I was 3. My mother and stepfather will have been married for 30 years this summer. I have always considered myself to be lucky to have three parents who supported me and didn't drag their issues into everything. I was never put in the middle of their disagreements, and my father never once tried to stiff my mom on child support.

My ex and I are (obviously) divorced. I would say our relationship is neutral, but distant. (We are stationed in different areas, too far away for a one-day car ride.) He is not really involved with our daughter, but he does pay child support like clockwork.

It's definitely about how the parents act AFTER the divorce. My best friend is divorced from a pattern-card of the "manipulate my children and ex wife and her new husband" variety, with a tinge of racism (BF's new husband is Cuban, she is white as is the ex, and I think this plays a HUGE role for the ex's animosity.) and just hate. Luckily, the girls are beginning to see that their father is a manipulative SOB, and unfortunately for him, when they're adults and don't have to deal with him, they won't.

Now I'm 26, my brother is 25, my first sister is 12, and my youngest sister's 10th birthday is at the end of this month. My father is currently hooping it up with his mistress and divorcing my stepmother (the sisters' mother), which will probably force her out of her house. I'm having to face a lot of truths about how my father treats women, my own parents' divorce, how my father's misbehavior has affected myself and my siblings (particularly my brother, who sadly seems to be like my dad in just about every way), and what family really means.

When this all first began, which was a few years ago, I hated divorce in general and tried to place equal blame. However, I realized as it panned out that my dad is just a dickbag of a partner (and not all that much better of a father). I realized that my mother is finally happy with her partner (my stepfather). I realized that my stepmother, whom I've loved since I was eight, will always be family whether it's legal or not.

This. I love my father, but I'll be honest: He should never have married my mother. And seeing as how he's never remarried or even seriously dated in 30 years, I don't think he should have married at all. He has issues that he tries to fix with alcohol. I couldn't have stayed married to him either, in my mom's shoes.

[clicker dies]

Mine divorced when I was a year and a half, and my mom, stepdad, and I moved nearly a thousand miles away when I was six. That was the worst part, travelling back and forth 6 or 7 times a year. I don't remember wanting them back together, but I always, in the worst way, missed my dad (saw him on alternate holidays and most of summer. I counted down the days, cried for days before and after I had to go home, had meltdowns in airports until I was about 12. Really dignified). Then I learned why they divorced (adultery on his part) right around the time I became a teenager and sort of evened my keel when it came time to end stays with him and go home.

Also, home has always been where my mom lives. I even referred to her and my stepdad as my parents for years before I realized that my dad and stepmom (his former mistress) do too. Then I stopped saying home and parents altogether while with them :|

[Avalondaughter]

My brother and his wife are miserable together, but are staying together for the sake of the kids as well as for financial reasons. They are trying to work things out, but my SIL is miserable. She hates her life and resents the kids she couldn't wait to have. My 10yo niece struggles in vain to please her mother while my 7yo nephew is belligerent and acts out all the time at home (although he is fine at school). My SIL tells her kids openly that there are so many things she would be doing if she didn't have them.

My parents divorced when I was 5 and my bro was 10. I dealt pretty well with the change because I was so young. My brother wa devastated and I don't think ever recovered. My father was in our lives and he wasn't mean or abusive. He really just didn't know how to bea father an didn't put out a full effort in the early years. I think that also had a profound effect on my brother.

I didn't wish for my parents to be back together because I knew they really weren't good for each other. I hated being the only kid in school with divorced parents. My childhood was kind of miserable due to many factors and I sometimes dreamed of a do-over. I thought if they had never divorced my childhood would have been more normal.

[Rosa]

You know what makes for a bad, bitter divorce that's bad for your kids? Not believing in divorce except as a "last resort" or "for cause" and staying married until you really, really hate each other, and then fighting over who's "fault" it is and having to paint the other parent as a bad person to "justify" your divorce.

Seriously, how many churches tell women that unless he cheats or hits her, they have to stay? Way to make sure every divorce is a horrible messy blowup. No leaving while things are amicable but trending downward, wait til things are really really awful first. And then blame the divorce for how your marriage effected the kids.