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Worst Fundie Husband/Wife


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Just something for fun, but what fundie husband or wife would you hate to be married to?

Mine would be Daddy Botkin because how high he ranks on the ick factor and because he is willing to sacrifice his family at the expense of living out his "vision".

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The Jeubs, Chris in particular... pompous ass.


Lady Lydia because her idea of foreplay is to play with pink glitter and I don't need that fuckery near my vajayjay.

Doug Phillips because he's totes gay. My college fiance ended being a registered "anaconda hunter" so I just can't go through that emotional trauma again.


So many to pick from.

For chicks, although there are bloggers I dislike more on a personal level (Drinking Housewife, Kelly Crawford, Zsuzsu)... I'll go with Lady Lydia because she'd ruin my house with her doilies. You know you'd wake up one day in lace pepto hell, all your old clothes having been burned and replaced with ill-fitting gingham bullshit that would make Ma Ingalls shudder.

For dudes, I'll go with Gabe Anast.

ETA after reading Gizmola: I'd rather be married to gay Doug. I'd blackmail him into letting me get some on the side.


I would die over having to be married to the pissing preacher.


Probably the Pissing Preacher; he's straight-up crazy, hateful, and mean. Daddy Bot is weird and creepy, but I don't get the same nasty/demented vibe from him. Dougie would be impossible, but it would be fun to laugh at him behind his back.


Yeah, actually, I take my dude vote back. I'd be afraid the Pissing Preacher would kill me in my sleep.


The Chad.

Just because he uses his children to manipulate his wife. That's just dirty.


Mrs. Anna T. would never support herself no matter what, and the nagging guilt trips? I'd go insane. Male, I'd have to pick Michael Pearl. He'd disapear, and I'd have one hell of a tomato patch - or we'd be on the eleven o'clock news...


lindsay says

If I was a male, I would hate to be dna married to emily. She is manipulative and highly controlling over a man who, while he may not be the brightest, definitely cherishes her and respects her opinion. In return, he gets fed concentration camp rations and has to conform to Emily's obsession with whatever it is she may be up to that week. She would drive me insane.

There are so many men to choose from it's hard to pick just one. I think because of recent activity I have read I would say The Chad, for kind of similar reasons to why I wouldn't want to be in dna's shoes. He makes me want to kick him in his teeth. I really don't understand why Jessica gives him the amount of praise that she does for being employed or whatever bare minimum standard he has conformed to.

Edited for terrible spelling.

Last Edited By: lindsay says 05/31/11 14:42:11. Edited 1 times.


Oh, oh, OH NO! I seriously can't make up my mind on this one. But... Taliban Tony.

Especially for you older, Real Adults. Imagine being married to that pompous little boy.

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The Pissing Preacher. My god, I'd want to punch him in the face after thirty seconds stuck with him with his crazy-ass views, and that beard is damn ugly.


shirleymaclaine, TT wouldn't be the worst 'cause if he annoys you all you have to do is throw some made-up Hebrew sounding words at him to confuse and distract him.


God, would ANY of them be bearable?


Steve Maxwell, hands down. It's a house of gloom and doom. Perpetual talk of death, living in fear of everyone and everything, complete isolation from the rest of the world , and living weeks on end in the fail bus. Hell, the man couldn't even spare a few hours to go to the grand canyon when there is ministry to prepare for!!


Matt Chancey and Chris Jeub would both be completely out of the question--I can't even stand the sight of those two pompous pricks, so I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to be married to them.

The Pisser is also a huge NO, because I truly believe that he's going to completely lose his shit one day and hurt/kill someone or multiple someones in a violent rage.

Honestly, if I had to be married to one of the fundie men, I'd have to pick Dougie or Peter Bradrick, because they're always gone. I would actually encourage them to go on MORE manly romps just to keep them out of my hair--and my bagina.

ETA: As for the fundie women--I'd rather become the crazy cat lady that lives alone. Not that I feel pity for the men or the women in patriarchal marriages, but it seems like it would be exhausting to be the man in the relationship and have to make every. single. decision.

Last Edited By: thisolgirl 05/31/11 15:06:36. Edited 1 times.


Steve and ZsuZsu

Marian the Librarian #17



None of them would make it would make it with me. End of story.


The pissing preacher, I would anaesthetise him immediately, I cannot listen to his shrill voice and watch the insanity in his eyes.


Michael Pearl. I'd be afraid for my dogs and baby.
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Well you are all jealous according to Bobbin Aubins:

The saddest thing to me is they sure like to pick on our Hubby's and call them "controlling" and "creeps". They are most likely jealous they don't have a real man! I pity them:-(

Well, now you all know what your problem is.

My response:

Really? Jealous?

Define a real man, what exactly do you mean?

More body than brains perhaps, a man I have to submit myself to?

An uneducated sod who cites bible verses by heart?


^^ I'm going to inform my boyfriend of this fact tonight.


And urge him to be more man?? Creepy and controlling, citing bible verses? Man him up girl!


HA. I'm going to tell that to DougKaboom (long-distance boyfriend). I'm sure he will love being called a "fake man."


'I really like you, but you're just not creepy and controlling enough. I really want this relationship to work. Do you think you could start quoting some scripture out of context?'

Lainey.digestioninform... :happy-jumpeveryone:


DAN! not only would i be married to some who is very nasty and mucj too frugal, i would also be mentally challenged. and have to work at wal-mart.

Doomed Harlot

Well, obviously being married to any of them would be awful. But I have to say Doug might not be so bad. As his wife, you wouldn't have to worry about finances, you could be the queen bee among the fundie women, and you could go on some really cool trips. And I doubt that you'd actually have to sleep with Doug that often.

The absolute worst fundie husband would have to be one of the Bayly brothers -- all the misogyny with none of the perks!


I will also inform my BF, who is currently undergoing a sleepless week as part of his army training, that he isn't a real man because he doesn't play dress-up and hunt anacondas while cherry picking from the Bible.

treemom #30

Any of the many men who still have sex with their wives when pregnancy could kill them, so the lock woods, the alexanders and the chad
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how strange! So my is my husband an elaborate figment of my imagination? Or created by holograms?

Hmm as for spouses I'd say Herr Jeub for his pure pompus prickitude. Or Jim-Bob because I hate the smell of aqua net.

It would be hard to for me to figure out the woman who I'd least like being married too. Probably Emily since I'd waste away on her horrible food. Or Kelly C/Zsu zana who are so freaking smug and bitchy.


Gabe and Rebekah Anast. She's as bad as he is, for not telling him to get off his pious ass, get a real job and find a way to get the family out of the hovel they live in.


Pfftt...I wouldn't take her husband if she rolled his ass in gold, and served him up on a silver platter. Jealous dream on lady, dream on....


I think if it came down to i would vote jimboob as the worst fundie husband. And Kelly as the worst fundy wife.


If I were a man and stuck with the Lazy Organizer, I would take the kids and run away from that crazy. I would also feed them a lot of protein and turn them lose in a toy store.


The Pissing Preacher. He scares me.


It would never work out with me and the Pissing Preacher or (Pa)Zuzu. It just wouldn't work. I get along with most people in the real world.

Doug has the most potential artistically/financially speaking. He's not my type physically, (and I'm sure I'm not his) and he's a bit talkative, but I'll take the money, thank you. I would make it into a mission to corrupt him....parties...alcohol...liberalism....

Looks wise, I'll take his redhead sidekick. Just as long as he doesn't say anything or make me read any essays.

This fundie spouse swap would be great entertainment.


Jimbo Duggar


I totally agree! I could deal with Doug, LOL.

I think Gabe Anast would be the worst. I'm just imagining myself starving, pregnant, and running around to keep warm and such.

I think Jessica would suck to be married to, just because even the way she writes annoys me, so imagining hanging out with her all the time would suck! That's just a shallow opinion.

RE: the "real man" thing--they do realize that not all women like MEN, right? Do they think even lesbians are jealous of their husbands? As if!


Pissing Preacher, hands down. I'd honestly be scared for my life. ZsuZsu on the other head might not be so bad, once you command her (as her headship ) to shut the hell up about the Bible.

I'd actually pick Jessica if I had to. She's an annoying twat but I can see her flourishing under some gentle encouragement (ie, far, far away from The Chad) - if somebody close to her actually called her on the stupid shit she says, I think she might learn.

Woman that I would rather die than be married to? The Stinking Asswipe. She would murder me cheerfully before long, though.

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Do you think you could take the Stinking Outhousewife in a fistfight?


Gabe Anast for making his children suffer along with his unemployed ass. Fundies talk about a "real man" who supports the family? For super, duper reals? If this is a real man I will take my husband who has crawled, scratched and worked his ass off for the career he has that enables me to stay at home with the kids (I also run a business from home when I am not playing with pink glitter and plumbing line).

Emily wins the wife award for reasons that are too numerous to mention without crashing the site.


I find it very interesting the thread for Worst Fundie Husband/Wife is much longer than the thread for Best Fundie Husband/Wife.


The Pissing Preacher, hands down. He's the only one I've seen so far who advocates murder (says that the "government" should execute gays--not that he'd EVER do such a thing himself; nosiree bob. It's right there on his website).

And the gals? The Lazy Organizer is a special breed of crazy I can't get behind. And the Stinking Lousewife just needs to STFU.

However, I can always fantasize about being the "headship" of one of those byatchezz, and straightening her out...


Oh I suspect many of our fundies would want gays executed...I mean even the rather mainstream Rick Warren ran afoul of people over Uganda...


i really wanted to say that gabe anast would be the worst, and there's so much about him to loathe, but as far as day-in-day-out life, there's no way i could be with stevie anderson. he's violent and scary. despite gabe's whacked-out life and views, i don't get the feeling that he is violent or abusive, and stevie just RADIATES violence.

wives? thinking housewife or lady lydia, for different reasons, both equally untenable.


Any of the Phelpses from Westboro Baptist Church. Say what you want about them, but they are clever, educated and KNOW the law. I'd hate to try to divorce out of that family. Not to sound arrogant but I'm a lot smarter than most fundie-men so even though I'd be chronically annoyed I could survive being married to a run of the mill quiverfull fundie guy.


Nobody said Gregg, he who knows anything and everything about science? Imagine the pillow talk in that house! Plus, they don't eat bacon. I wouldn't want to live a life without bacon just for the sake of being fake Jewish creationists.


I definitely agree that ol' Emily would be the worst fundie wife ... girl has some serious baggage (and I don't just mean Brad and Therese). I think the worst husband would be Papa Smith (of Smith/Morton fame). So smarmy and with a horrendous pot belly. And that VOICE!


UGH. I'm not sure any of the dudes would be bearable. Michael Pearl, Gabe Anast, and Pissing Preacher are three of the scariest, though. I can't imagine being with a man who would beat the hell out of my kids.

As for the wives - honestly I wonder if some of them would be salvagable. Living with another woman who respected them and encouraged them to use their talents, maybe let them go back to school, loved and helped out with the kids ... they might flourish in that kind of environment. Plus copious amounts of emotional intimacy, orgasms, and oral sex. I get the feeling that fundie husbands don't go downtown. As an added bonus, not being knocked up all of the time would have to improve their moods. Maybe a gym membership and walking, jogging, and working out together. Cooking together in the kitchen, shopping for stylish clothing and getting cute haircuts. Heck, if I was single I'd be tempted to try it. Fundie ladies! Call me!

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Sounds like you could have a useful mission here, Lissar. Perhaps you should appeal for funds and plenty of fit and tempting volunteers to "minister" to those fundie women?


Cap'n Bret all the way.


All of this made me laugh, but I especially love the mentions of Brad, Therese, and the horrendous pot belly.

I don't get the Smiths. They basically look normal, but Cap'n Bret is a super extremist.


Oh, God, THIS. Evil + intelligent = the worst possible combination. (As many of us can attest, it's much, much harder divorcing a smart man than a stupid one.)


Gabe Anast and Lady Lydia would make me sew up/cut off my "special purpose", gender based, if I had to marry them


This should be a poll. I'd like to see the results.

I kind of want to nominate Andy Vawser. I didn't even read his whole blog (I say this because I am sure there are more personality-revealing gems on it) but the fact that he:

1. paid for wife (symbolic and shit, whatever)

2. sits on his lazy butt while hugely pregnant wife cooks him a big meal

3. refuses to take laboring wife to the hospital because "that's not what she really wants" and denies proper contact with her family

...makes him the world's worst husband in my books.

But then of course we have those who are social activists for their hate, such as the much-mentioned Pisser. He's really in a category of his own.

I don't think JimBoob is among the worst at all. At least he takes Michelle to the hospital. If he could just keep his pecker in his pants, he wouldn't be that bad a husband.


I think the majority of the men and women would be the worst, but there are a few that I could sleep with both eyes closed.


Hmm, you may be right, maybe I should change my answer!


You guys are so damn funny today.


Doug could be either one of the best or one of the worst. I could ee him being kind, funny, and a great dad, but I could also see him being patronizing, sarcastic, and long-winded.

JimBoob seems like one of the more dim-witted fundies. I couldn't stand someone who doesn't read books.

For the women, Nancy Campbell. She scares me.

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I vote for Gabe Anast in the male category, and the Lazy Organizer in the female category. If they were married to each other it would be either a. their dream union or b. We would be hearing about them on the 11 O'Clock News.


I could handle Doug, provided I had a bottle of Xanax or alcohol and the ability to zone out. Those long dinners with interns and such, sound like all patriarch talk. I could probably handle it with drugs. Then the hubby would be gone a lot, or I would be on one of those great trips. Something tells me he doesn't want a lot of sex with his wife.

Gabe Anast is probably the least bearable because of the living conditions. If you don't have food and warmth, it's hard to deal with anything else.

As for females, a lot of them are fairly good looking, so if you could just use your power of headship and tell them to shut up, you could probably bear it. Kendal is probably one of the worst, simply because she doesn't have the basic ability to think of anything for herself coupled with serious enjoyment in controlling and beating her kids. I just don't think I could live with that and I don't think you could love someone like that enough to reach a point of better behavior.


I think a lot of these folks could be redeemed by people not encouraging their bullshit. Even Gabe Anast - if there were actual consequences to his behavior, he would probably change.

But not the Pissin' Preacher, or his wife. They found their soulmates in each other, I think.


For the men, probably Chad. What a manipulative ass.

For the women, ZsuZsu. I think she's filled with rage and loathing on a level that is beyond even the Pissing Preacher. He doesn't scare me, but ZsuZsu does. It's not because I fear her Godly prayer warrior powers, or because she makes me question my beliefs - it's because she's demented and INTELLIGENT and is deliberately instilling hatred into her children, and claims it's justified by the bible. She's as evil as some of the serial killers I study at school.


For women, I'd say Emily (the newest one) or Kendall.

For men, Michael Pearl. Not only for the things he promotes but for raising his daughter in a way that she thinks it's a good thing to be married to an asshole like Gabe Anast - my dad would have told him to get his shit straight, threatened him if the crap continued, and then helped me get away from him. Also, I really wonder what Debi Pearl would have been like if she had married a semi-normal guy who was not a religious extremists - she seems like she was really naive when they met and she was pretty spirited, with a hippie streak, and that reminds me of a lot of women I know who are pretty awesome.


Peter Bradrick would be worst because he'd expect to be worshipped like a prince, he'd want a new baby every year, and he doesn't appear capable of holding down a real job. Plus, he's just a tool. I originally thought that Dougie wouldn't be bad, since I'd get lots of time alone while he was away on trips. Plus, I might get to go on some of his cool "missions" to exotic, fun places, which are financed totally by his flock. Since he's gay, I wouldn't have to have sex with him. But then I'd also have to attend services at Boerne Christian Assembly all day on Sunday. Women are literally not allowed to speak in church or even sing hymns.

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For the guys: Michael Pearl. He is beyond creepy.

Runner-up is Botkin.

I might be off-base, but I kinda think Doug has a sweet side to him (*ping!*). I wonder that if he'd stop overcompensating whether he could actually be a decent guy.

Lady Lydia would do my head in. But how can I not mention Zsu Zsu and the latest find, Emma from 'A Strong Quiver'?

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Would have to be Gabe Anast, The Pissing Preacher, or any of The Pearls. I wouldn't last long in a fundie marraige, I'm way too independent and outspoken, I'd tell them all right where to shove their submission !!

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I could handle Doug, provided I had a bottle of Xanax or alcohol and the ability to zone out. Those long dinners with interns and such, sound like all patriarch talk. I could probably handle it with drugs. Then the hubby would be gone a lot, or I would be on one of those great trips. Something tells me he doesn't want a lot of sex with his wife.

Gabe Anast is probably the least bearable because of the living conditions. If you don't have food and warmth, it's hard to deal with anything else.

As for females, a lot of them are fairly good looking, so if you could just use your power of headship and tell them to shut up, you could probably bear it. Kendal is probably one of the worst, simply because she doesn't have the basic ability to think of anything for herself coupled with serious enjoyment in controlling and beating her kids. I just don't think I could live with that and I don't think you could love someone like that enough to reach a point of better behavior.

You are so right. All Be All needs is Xanax and wine and she can get through those dinners when he is home. Being married to Dougie comes with servants to clean your house and watch your children. Be All is probably laughing herself silly. Who knows, maybe they don't even have sex. Maybe she does IVF so Dougie can save himself for his interns and former interns. :shock:

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